smackie9 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 He seems to know a ton about her marriage (that they struggle, have issues) yet when we met they acted like strangers in front of me and her husband. Do I have reason to be concerned about him seeing her when he is out of town? OP did you address this with him? Does her husband know about him visiting her? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 Nope. I'm just not open to the whole "exes as friends" thing period. Seen enough of that noise to know that I never want that in my life. I'll happily find a woman who doesn't bring that baggage and bs. Agreed it is trouble with a capital T. Sooner or later... Link to post Share on other sites
rainbow12 Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 All because he has a fresh relationship with you, he's transparent about everything to you, he's not neglecting you doesn't mean he's not hiding something. I think it's likely he's having sex with her because he's sniffing around her like a dog on heat. Everything just a NO to me and to most of others. One thing I agree on is that he can be the pleasant person on earth towards you and still cheat. If table was turned and it's you travelling to see your ex....would he be okay about it? No, he wouldn't. They may broke up but they could still have sex because she's not happy with her marriage because her hubby is away doing military. You need to wake up and realise that what he's doing is clearly not right. He's not thinking about you when he goes to see her. He wanted you to know his ex gf exist because he wanted to cool down your suspicions so he could come down anytime to have a sex fest with her. People can break up and be in new relationships and then cheat on their new partners with their exs it may not make sense but it is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 21, 2019 Share Posted June 21, 2019 Transparency can be a trick, it is like leaving the secret papers open on top of the desk, no-one thinks to look for them there. ...he's sniffing around her like a dog on heat. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinkerbell16 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 Quick update. I talked to him about it and he put my mind at ease by saying if it makes me uncomfortable, he will not visit her when he is out of town if I am not with him. Fast forward to now... all else has been great. He is caring, thoughtful, we have a fabulous time together. I can't seem to shake one thing, he has a ton of female friends. Outside of this ex fiance, he has several other ex he sees around still. One he works with, one he has an ongoing business relationship with, one who is a family friend. These are exes. Add to this he has a ton of female friends. He even goes to dinner on occasion with a group of women from his gym after class. I know for a fact that he would not be ok with this if it were me. I cant ask him to switch jobs but I did tell him that him going out to dinner with a group of women friends is acting like he is single and it makes me uncomfortable. Like before, he tells me I am the most important woman to him and if I am uncomfortable he will stop going to dinner with them. Perfect answer right? Now I feel like a controlling "B". It makes me angry that he didn't make this adjustment on his own. Once we started getting serious I stopped going out with my single friends and definitely stopped communicating with my exes out of respect for our relationship. I am starting to pull back my heart. I hate that because like I said, everything else is great with us. When he does stuff like this he always says the right thing to put my mind at ease. I am just walking the line of believing him and staying and the urge to run. I dont want to deal with a lying cheater (again) but I am not sure I am being sensitive because I lived with a gaslighting, lying, cheating husband for half my life that I have lost all faith in men. Ugh... Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I can't seem to shake one thing, he has a ton of female friends. Outside of this ex fiance, he has several other ex he sees around still. So, he's put your mind at ease with the ex and now, you're going to go down your nitpick list of people you want him to cut out of his life because of your inability to trust? Who's going to be next? At some point, you've got to stop punishing him for the relationships choices you made in the past of your own free will and volition or else he's going to give you something to set your hair on fire over. Somewhere along your path, your man picker broke and you haven't taken time out to figure out how it broke and to fix it. Instead, you want this guy to do all your heavy emotional lifting, which should have been dealt with with a therapist before you got into yet another relationship where you're not confident enough in the fact that who are you is more than enough and if the guy can't see that, you cut him loose and set him adrift. Stop being so afraid of being out of a relationship and work on solidifying your confidence in who you are. No one outside of you can do that for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I can't seem to shake one thing, he has a ton of female friends. Outside of this ex fiance, he has several other ex he sees around still. One he works with, one he has an ongoing business relationship with, one who is a family friend. These are exes. Add to this he has a ton of female friends. He even goes to dinner on occasion with a group of women from his gym after class. I know for a fact that he would not be ok with this if it were me. This guy's a player. If you are not ok with this now, you never will be. You have already seen your future with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinkerbell16 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 (edited) Stop being so afraid of being out of a relationship and work on solidifying your confidence in who you are. No one outside of you can do that for you. That's the thing... I am not afraid of not being in a relationship at all. My life is great with or without a guy. That's part of why I am questioning, feel like ending it when these things come up. I have a full life. I am good on my own. Are you suggesting he or any man would be 100% correct if tables were turned? I doubt any man or woman would be 100% ok with their significant other going out to bars dinners with opposite sex friends. It is because if my poor boundaries ie broken picker, in the past that I am setting this boundary. Edited September 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited Link to post Share on other sites
damni Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I would never be with a man like that. It would drive me crazy. Too many red flags. Its like he surrounding himself with women so if your relationship breaks up...o he got his pick off single female friends lined up. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 (edited) Are you suggesting he or any man would be 100% correct if tables were turned? Wow, that conclusion is non sequitur. My trust issues are because I have been cheated on by other men. Which is exactly why I am so suspicious here. He has not done anything really.... He seems to be all in with our relationship. I'm suggesting, since you brought up the fact that your relationship record is abysmal, that if you don't get a handle on your past relationship failure issues and what you keep attracting to you with a therapist, you're doomed to keep attracting this "same character in different bodies" going forward until you do the work of resolving your past relationship issues. Go on youtube, look up and binge on Terri Cole videos. If his having these female friends is an "I will end this and walk" issue for you, then end it and walk. That's what you can control--you can't control him or who he hangs out with if he's still seeing that there's value for him in maintaining these connections. Edited September 10, 2019 by kendahke Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinkerbell16 Posted September 10, 2019 Author Share Posted September 10, 2019 Wow, that conclusion is non sequitur. I'm suggesting, since you brought up the fact that your relationship record is abysmal, that if you don't get a handle on your past relationship failure issues and what you keep attracting to you with a therapist, you're doomed to keep attracting this "same character in different bodies" going forward until you do the work of resolving your past relationship issues. Go on youtube, look up and binge on Terri Cole videos. If his having these female friends is an "I will end this and walk" issue for you, then end it and walk. That's what you can control--you can't control him or who he hangs out with if he's still seeing that there's value for him in maintaining these connections. Bit harsh... I will check out the videos. I am always eager to learn. Link to post Share on other sites
norealusername Posted September 10, 2019 Share Posted September 10, 2019 I personally wouldn't maintain a friendship with an ex unless I just wanted to bang her. This guy apparently maintains friendship with 4 exes. Maybe this guy is different but I wouldn't like it at all if I were you. Link to post Share on other sites
IslandSanctuary Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Different strokes for different folks. Some people defend opposite sex friends as "just friends, I'm allowed friends" and "I treat them just like my same sex friendships." - In an ideal world that would be nice, but we do not live in a Eutopia - we live in reality. The fact that they are the opposite sex, the sex he is attracted to makes them different from same sex friends, and statistics show it is a slippery slope. To some people this is normal and they see no problem continuing this behaviour in a relationship. Personally I feel uncomfortable alone 1 on 1 with a woman outside of the workplace, especially if I find her at least slightly attractive. So I do not put myself in those situations. I find it tough to find a woman that understands, it seems to be the norm these days to encourage opposite sex friendships and to see them as a right. I draw the line at regular contact with exes or even 1 on 1 time with an ex. Out of respect for your partner you shouldn't do this. Going out to dinner with multiple women without you on a regular basis? Women he sees at the gym too? He's dating them basically. The fact that he knocks it off is reassuring but it still wouldn't sit right with me that he ever found it acceptable. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Personally I feel uncomfortable alone 1 on 1 with a woman outside of the workplace, especially if I find her at least slightly attractive. So I do not put myself in those situations. Exactly. It's very awkward to be spending time alone with an attractive woman if you're in a relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted September 11, 2019 Share Posted September 11, 2019 Hanging out with exes and lots of girls all the time is not something I'd be comfortable with. Only you can decide if he is THAT trustworthy and worth it, and only he can decide if he's willing to give it up (without resentment) if it makes you uncomfortable. Just one question... why did you give up going out with your single friends because you're in a relationship? That seems over the top to me. Link to post Share on other sites
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