JEG88 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Has he explained why he has to see her, now that he has you? Have you thought about asking him to cut off that tie with her? That emotional attachment would be unacceptable for me, especially given that he visits her when he's out of town and you can't be there. Link to post Share on other sites
I'veseenbetterlol Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Agree with Curious. There's no way I'd accept this. Yes, you can't tell him what to do. You can only control what YOU do. And if I were in your shoes, what I'd do is move on. Whether he's banging her or not (which does seem very likely), he's certainly not ready to be in a new relationship because he's still got his foot in the door of his old one. Yep second that opinion. Unless they have kids together (which they don't), there should be no reason for them to be associating w/each other. I've had too many experiences w/the guy's exes and now I believe there should be no more contact. Tell him you are not comfortable w/this situation and would like for him to cut all contact. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 He hasn't given me reason not to. Huh... what? He has done PLENTY of extremely shady things! Just read your posts, they are like lists of reasons that you should not trust him! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 She has children with her absentee husband. I have to conclude they would have been together by now as boyfriend had been single for a number of years and she is on her second marriage so it's not out of the question they would have found a way to be together by now. I think I will just wait it out and see if any new signs appear. Did both of these marriages happen after she & your guy broke up? Hopefully for the sake of her kids, she's not cheating but still if you have concerns & you know that she will always be in his life, why are you continuing to wait? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Who says they need to be together? Doesn't mean it is not a sexfest every time he goes up there to meet her... People regularly conduct long term affairs An old friend with a absent husband makes a great OW... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Scarlett.O'hara Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I then wonder why he even introduced us if they have something to hide. It wasn't necessary meaning I didn't ask to meet her so why put himself in a situation that could expose a secret if he really disnt have to. Thinking back, he was complimentary to me in her presence. Maybe she still has a thing for him but not reciprocated. Just trying to see it logically now that I have had time to see it less emotionally based. It would make perfect sense if they were doing it to prove a point to her husband though. If he had an issue with his wife meeting up with her ex (who comes to visit her out of town, while he isn't there) it would be the best way to show him that there is nothing to worry about. "See, he has a girlfriend." Nothing to see here. Also, he might be a good and attentive boyfriend, but does that mean he is less likely cheat? Unfortunately, no it doesn't. Plenty of cheaters behave like that to their partners. Just not when they are going to visit their ex out of town. If they weren't loving partners, they wouldn't be able to have their cake and eat it too. Hypothetically, if he has been engaged in a long term fwb type affair, that wouldn't preclude him from having a girlfriend back home. After all she can't complain, she's married. Even if he had wanted more, she has children and family commitments that are not easily broken. That doesn't mean that they are finished with each other. Perhaps I've just heard these types of stories too many times. At a minimum this is crossing way too many boundaries to be acceptable. He is in a relationship with you, and has no business going to see a married woman out of town while her husband is away. It would be a good idea to start thinking about what your boundaries and deal breakers are moving forward. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author tinkerbell16 Posted June 19, 2019 Author Share Posted June 19, 2019 (edited) @Scarlett.O'hara.... I see your points. This issue is the only thing I have been unsettled with since we starting dating. I had put it to bed (punn not intended) until most posters are saying it is likely they are hiding something. it not at all possible that he could simply be friends? He seems so infatuated with me. He cannot go a day without talking to me. He calls me when anything happens during his day. I don't feel neglected in any way. I just see this, if it were an affair, very out of character for what I experience with him daily. Although that doesn't negate an affair possibility, it does make it hard to assume that is the case and blow up my relationship based on suspicion alone. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
OatsAndHall Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Doesn't matter if it's shady or not....you are not comfortable with it. You shouldn't have to put up with it. This is why we date...to find out what they are really like. For me this would be an instant deal breaker. I wouldn't have made it past the first date. Same here; I make it clear early on that I won't date someone who has unnecessary contact with an ex. There's four realities behind the situation; 1) they're truly friends, 2) your BF still has feelings for her, 3) the ex still has feelings for him, 4) they both have feelings for each other. So, you have a 25% chance of it not being a difficult situation. For me, it's just not worth rolling the dice. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 (edited) I don't feel neglected in any way. I just see this, if it were an affair, very out of character for what I experience with him daily. Although that doesn't negate an affair possibility, it does make it hard to assume that is the case and blow up my relationship based on suspicion alone. I don't think they have a secret affair. I think they are just friends. It makes no sense to have an affair while starting a new relationship with you. People bored in their relationship have affairs, she'd be more the type to stray, not your boyfriend. Also, if he had an affair he'd play it safe by not mentioning this friend living away. He could easily see her regularly when out of town and completely hide her existence to you. He has not done that. You cannot control a person to not cheat on you. If one day he cheats then you'll deal with it then, for now I see your boyfriend has been honest and transparent about his friendship with an ex from years ago. Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I do not trust her. She was the dumped one; he says he was too young, meh, she couldn't hold him... no way can you trust her now... sorry girl, but you would be overly naive to do so... Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I do not trust her. She was the dumped one; he says he was too young, meh, she couldn't hold him... no way can you trust her now... sorry girl, but you would be overly naive to do so... The boyfriend is his own man and more than capable to reject her if she hits on him. Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 . I think I will just wait it out and see if any new signs appear. Don't invent things out of thin air just so you can be right about your ex's. If he actually does something that justifies your judgement of him, then leave the relationship. You aren't forced to be with him. You can be right and be alone. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 The boyfriend is his own man and more than capable to reject her if she hits on him. Like he is really going to reject her... Yeah sure! She was not terribly friendly to me... I wonder why? ... they acted like strangers in front of me and her husband. I wonder why? I think you would be foolish to assume there is nothing going on here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 (edited) The boyfriend is his own man and more than capable to reject her if she hits on him. just because you think you are capable not to get burned doesnt mean you should play near fire a man who is capable not to cheat is what we all have expectations of when we enter into a relationship where cheating is deal breaker but its unwise for a woman to enter into a relationship/stay with a man who puts himself in questionable positions to either cheat or look like he is cheating even if he is not. or at the least its unwise for her not to have boundaries or communicate boundaries against certain actions he does imo Edited June 19, 2019 by Curiousroxy86 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 (edited) just because you think you are capable not to get burned doesnt mean you should play near fire..... If he wants to cheat with the ex he will, boundaries or not. Right? Those boundaries would be to appease OP, not to secure her boyfriend won't cheat on her, nothing can secure a bf won't cheat. OP: When he sees her how do they meet? Do they meet in a restaurant? Does he visit her home? Is he transparent about his whereabouts? Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 He has what they call "unfinished business" with his ex and that is never a good situation to be in as his gf. Research showed that the top reason men keep in contact with exes is potential or actual access to sex. Be careful. Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 (edited) If he wants to cheat with the ex he will, boundaries or not. Right? I agree that her boundaries wont stop a man from cheating. a man is going to do what he wants to do anyway. but stopping a man from cheating is not the reason I encourage Op to have boundaries. I encourage Op to have boundaries so she wont have to tolerate any guy who does cheat or choose actions that seems emotionally unsafe. so yes it would appease Op that is the point. we can only control ourselves. not the guys actions. you wont find any advice from me insinuating such Edited June 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 OP, the most telling thing is how when both couples were in the same room it was not casual and open but secretive and tense. You can't be friends with someone when either party is still carrying a torch. Even if both couples are happily coupled up, that has little bearing on What er the man would welcome variety sex. It also has no bearing on if there's a hiccup who they run to. there's no reason to think they are just friends because they weren't just friends when they stopped seeing each other. he just decided he was too young which really just means he wasn't ready to be committed. I would make it a rule that anytime she's around you're around. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 I don't think they have a secret affair. I think they are just friends. It makes no sense to have an affair while starting a new relationship with you. People bored in their relationship have affairs, she'd be more the type to stray, not your boyfriend.. True but I couldn't help but wonder if OPs BF is dating because his EX is married. He might have been the OM in her marriage & is dating because she's married, sort of to even the score Obviously all of this is speculation Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 they weren't just friends when they stopped seeing each other. he just decided he was too young which really just means he wasn't ready to be committed. And we all know that means he was not ready to commit to HER. If boyfriend would have been THAT into her he would have married her. When we're in love we don't start having doubts about if we're ready, we just do it. He would have never been ready to commit to her because she was not the one. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 True but I couldn't help but wonder if OPs BF is dating because his EX is married. He might have been the OM in her marriage & is dating because she's married, sort of to even the score She married twice since college. If they wanted to be together they would be. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 She married twice since college. If they wanted to be together they would be. d0nnivain is talking about the ways of extramarital affairs not simple dating. If true it will not be about "being together". Link to post Share on other sites
The Outlaw Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Out of respect for you, he needs to keep his distance from her. She's an ex fiancé, not a current one. And it more than warrants concern. They should be finished. Done. Kaput. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted June 19, 2019 Share Posted June 19, 2019 Let's see... you said your bf's ex has children with her hubby. And he goes over to see her, and the kids, and her husband is not usually home... are you sure one of those kids wasn't fathered by your bf? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted June 20, 2019 Share Posted June 20, 2019 This is why I always advise men and women who have a partner who sees their ex or some "just a friend" privately to invite the person into the fold... Nope. I'm just not open to the whole "exes as friends" thing period. Seen enough of that noise to know that I never want that in my life. I'll happily find a woman who doesn't bring that baggage and bs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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