Author finna Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 I went back and read your first post here.... And keeping his t shirt? C’mon - it’s not high school... Really? You want to give me crap about the shirt? It’s a small sweet thing that has meant a lot to me and something that became a tradition for us. The fact that he out of the blue apologized for forgetting to “recharge” it for me is actually a big WTF in my mind because he most certainly did not have to go there at all. I’m not looking to read more into it than warranted - and I’m sure you’d say it is a manipulation tactic - I just don’t know why he would bother though if he’s done. Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 Wow this thread took off. I haven't read all of the posts between mine and current. But to answer your question - he would flip out. Get insanely possessive. And would probably - for the first time - genuinely think about leaving his wife. Up until now it was all talk and just what he had to say to you to keep the thing going. That's my guess. That’s definitely a different perspective than I’ve heard so far. Can you tell me a little more about why you think it would happen that way? I know others will give their strong opinion on this but I am curious. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Really? You want to give me crap about the shirt? It’s a small sweet thing that has meant a lot to me and something that became a tradition for us. The fact that he out of the blue apologized for forgetting to “recharge” it for me is actually a big WTF in my mind because he most certainly did not have to go there at all. I’m not looking to read more into it than warranted - and I’m sure you’d say it is a manipulation tactic - I just don’t know why he would bother though if he’s done. Reminds me of the coffee mug my exH got from his OW who wanted to “sneak something into our home”. When I found it in the cupboard I took it out and smashed it against the house with as much force as possible. That told him what I thought of what they were doing to me/the marriage. He met her for lunch later that day and broke it off. He didn’t want her all the time - just sometimes at his convenience. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 (edited) That’s definitely a different perspective than I’ve heard so far. Can you tell me a little more about why you think it would happen that way? I know others will give their strong opinion on this but I am curious. Yes, please tell us all more about why he might become jealous and consider leaving his wife to be with OP... We are all wanting to know more... This is encouraging news... OP, you are pretty transparent. But, that’s ok. I shouldn’t be sarcastic. I would say that one the reasons why he would reconsider leaving the marriage, IF he is going to reconsider leaving the marriage, is because you will show him that you have the self respect to not allow yourself to wait around and be available to him... It is always more attractive to a man when a woman has the self respect to live her life and set boundaries in a relationship - neediness and grovelling are not particularly attractive qualities in a mate. But then again, if you go out and find yourself a date this weekend to make him jealous with the hope that he will leave his wife it proves what we have been saying... you are being manipulative with the hope of “encouraging” him to do exactly what you want. Just saying... Edited June 4, 2019 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 Yes, please tell us all more about why he might become jealous and consider leaving his wife to be with OP... We are all wanting to know more... This is encouraging news... OP, you are pretty transparent. But, that’s ok. I would say that one the reason why he would reconsider leaving the marriage, IF he is going to reconsider leaving the marriage, is because you will show him that you have the self respect to not allow yourself to wait around and be available to him... It is always more attractive to a man when a woman has the self respect to live her life and set boundaries in a relationship - neediness and grovelling are not particularly attractive qualities in a mate. But then again, if you go out and find yourself a date this weekend to make him jealous with the hope that he will leave his wife it proves what we have been saying... you are being manipulative with the hope of “encouraging” him to do exactly what you want. Just saying... I’m not looking to be anything but transparent... when a radically different opinion pops up I do want to know more. I could t agree more regarding neediness being a turnoff and I learned from my mistakes on that one. Why is it so you think that essentially giving a guy the message that one is not available is advantageous? The thrill of the chase? I would think that it would possibly further promote inaction if they thought there was little hope. Straightforward communication seems less like game playing. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 The more you bend and twist to make yourself fit into his life - the more you will lose track of who you actually are. Sad really. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Why is it so you think that essentially giving a guy the message that one is not available is advantageous? The thrill of the chase? I would think that it would possibly further promote inaction if they thought there was little hope. Straightforward communication seems less like game playing. I would agree. The thrill of the chase is game playing and it’s not my thing. I would much rather go about my business with confidence, fully engaged with life, not allowing myself to settle for anything else than I deserve - a partner who is available and wants to be in my life. I personally think this is attractive... more attractive than a woman who is needy and wanting. I also think he uses you because you allow him to do so. He knows you are waiting by the phone for his next text. He knows you are not going anywhere. What is there to respect about a woman who doesn’t have the self respect to walk away, who chooses to stay and allow him to continue to take advantage. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
heartwhole2 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Why is it so you think that essentially giving a guy the message that one is not available is advantageous? The thrill of the chase? I would think that it would possibly further promote inaction if they thought there was little hope. It's not about advantage or promoting action. You are not available because *you* want better for *yourself.* 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadMeOverABarrel Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Asaysno, really? Anyway, I come from a different place than some who post in the OW/OM forum. When I first came to LS it was from a place of despair that my 'friends' who are all married had abandoned me after my husband passed away. My late husbands' best friend told me in the week of his death that he and his wife couldn't spend time with me anymore because quote 'I'll get in trouble with my wife.' It was beyond disturbing in the months that followed that I was suddenly no longer invited to dinner parties and get together's; I was shunned. I get that some of that was from awkwardness and I was sad, no doubt. I was informed by one kind (enough) girlfriend that I was no longer a 'safe' person to have around married men as their wives worried that I would be so desperate/lonely as to husband poach. I am sorry you had this experience. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 (edited) Why is it a rough place for you? You know the truth - that’s more than his wife knows. Think about the reality - when she sees him for his anniversary they will have sec... and she will have no idea he may have had sex with you just a few hours prior. Edited June 4, 2019 by S2B Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Thank you HadMeOverABarrel. It's crass but it is a real thing and I can't apologize to OW for telling what is the truth of how many people really and truly think and act. I do not speak for everyone, of course, but my former friends are well educated, open minded and lol, feminist. It was a shocker. I do appreciate that life is a journey and challenges are a given. I will not be a hypocrite, no person should throw a stone. Asaysno is in the middle of herself, literally. Former OW will give her a flashlight so she can find her way out, maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 (edited) While I definitely agree that men absolutely love the challenge of the chase, and that dating somebody else might force some men's hand, I sincerely doubt that this applies to the vast majority of married men, who are too complacent and too used to getting what they want from the OW without much effort. Sure, he might make marginally more effort to keep the OW in the fold, but it certainly wouldn't be enough to make him leave a marriage that he up to then had been unwilling to leave. Edited June 4, 2019 by Aloha123 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRising8 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 And if he's like my xMM, he'd tell her monogamy is important to him lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrin Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 That’s definitely a different perspective than I’ve heard so far. Can you tell me a little more about why you think it would happen that way? I know others will give their strong opinion on this but I am curious. Caveat: I went from page 2 to 20 without reading anything in between. That being said, the way you initially described him struck me as a dude who is enjoying this little side fantasy with you. He gets to play make believe. Romance. Great sex. Road lifestyle. Hotels. Restaurants. Strange cities. There's no house to clean. Laundry to do. Bills to argue about. It is just a really fun fantasy. He's probably gotten really attached and that's why he can't go cold turkey with you. Keeps grooming you for your next trip together... And that's exactly what he is doing. Grooming you. If that sweet thing he has going on to be completely threatened by another man I think the dude would snap. You would be gone and he would be stuck with his boring life with his wife. God knows how long it would take to get another sweet situation like he has with you. That sort of thing takes time and has risks. Queue midlife crisis. I think it would cause him to snap. Get really possessive and probably actually consider leaving his wife. And that's NOT a good thing for you. He'd be snapping for all the wrong reasons. And if he did leave his wife for you he probably wouldn't stay. Once he had his freedom he would use it. I am a fellow road warrior and I've seen this scenario play out several times and the result is always the same. If you really do want a future with him - leave him. Leave him to go through this midlife crisis. Let him leave his wife because he decides it is the right thing for him. Not the thing he needs to do to keep you. Let him go out and F his way through an econo-pak of condoms. Then once he's done and divorced, maybe then you can try to rekindle a relationship. Just my two cents. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 I think he's in love with his wife and they haven't been able to properly care for their relationship because of all the travel he does. I think he loves her more than he realizes but that he knows he, at the very least loves her some. And that the relationship with you is bright, shiny and new and a diversion for him from dealing with the tough job of reconnecting with a woman he's sidelined for years which has resulted in animosity building up between them. As for your ex, seems to me he may want a little revenge by, what seems to me to be, encouraging you in this relationship with MM. Most people would have to see that it's going to end badly for you and MM. Surely your ex can see this. I'm so sorry for you, being involved in this; even though it was selfish of you to do it. I'm sorry because you had no idea when you began this, how awful it would turn out for you. I'd say, cut your losses and keep your dealings with this guy on a professional level only. The sooner you do it, the better off you're going to be and also the more this man will respect you. But, more importantly, the more you'll respect yourself. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Cornputer Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 It's fascinating how one can follow a laid out script and be in denial about it. There is no good ending to this, OP. Better off pulling yourself together and waking up now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 (edited) Thank you - I really appreciate all the thoughts and explanation. Caveat: I went from page 2 to 20 without reading anything in between. That being said, the way you initially described him struck me as a dude who is enjoying this little side fantasy with you. He gets to play make believe. Romance. Great sex. Road lifestyle. Hotels. Restaurants. Strange cities. There's no house to clean. Laundry to do. Bills to argue about. It is just a really fun fantasy. He's probably gotten really attached and that's why he can't go cold turkey with you. Keeps grooming you for your next trip together... And that's exactly what he is doing. Grooming you.............. Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 (edited) I think you have hit on a lot of truth with MM/BS. As for my ex - he’s a good guy and is by no means encouraging this. He is in a good place and is a good listener and encourages me to carefully think through things and do what is ultimately going to make me happy. Most of his predictions about the relationship have come true in the last couple of weeks and I value his opinion. I think he loves her more than he realizes but that he knows he, at the very least loves her some. And that the relationship with you is bright, shiny and new and a diversion for him from dealing with the tough job of reconnecting with a woman he's sidelined for years which has resulted in animosity building up between them. Edited June 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 The suggestion to find someone else isn't about trying to lead the MM to do one thing or another, it's genuinely the best thing you can do for yourself. As it is you're putting your romantic life on hold while you wait for him to decide he wants you more even though he's told you he loves his wife and is going to work on his marriage. What is the point? Why would you settle for so little? From what you've posted there's no indication that this is anything other than the typical affair where a married man wants action (sex, romance, excitement, fun stuff) in addition to his domestic life with the wife he loves (family, intimacy, love, friends, community). Men like this are willing to say whatever it takes, hence the term "future faking", to keep an affair going, but when it gets too real they bail. They were never looking to replace their wife in the first place. I'm not an OW or BS but this board is full of people who have been in very similar situations. You can see people here who have waited months, even years for their affair partners to make a choice that ultimately never comes. He's not being forced to stay away from you. He's not trapped in his marriage. Bailey's post on the very first page of this thread---he is where he is because he wants to be there---really says it all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 (edited) You are absolutely right- and at this point I’m just trying to figure out how to work through and handle all of it. Edited June 4, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Cornputer Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Perhaps you should “figure it out” in a quicker manner and inform the betrayed wife. Then see how he reacts + you’d most likely find out the truth about her. Right now, you are just stalling. On purpose. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 You're looking in the wrong place (affair) for what you want (relationship). Affairs are for sex on the side and "say anything" statements/words with no meaning behind them. If that's not what you're after, you are looking in the wrong place. That doesn't sound like what you want, so, I would suggest moving on. Your story is told by 100's of posters here (OW), almost word for word. Men have a "script" they follow to keep APs hanging around and you're just a character in the play who doesn't realize that, except for the sex, everything else is make believe. I'm sorry you find yourself here. But if you don't get away from this relationship, you'll find yourself stuck here indefinitely. And, if he does D his wife, you're chances of getting into a "legitimate" relationship with him are very low; your chances of getting married to him lower still, and, if you do get married, your chances of getting a D very high. It's playing Russian Roulette with 5 chambers loaded, it's a game that's almost certain to end badly for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author finna Posted June 4, 2019 Author Share Posted June 4, 2019 Perhaps you should “figure it out” in a quicker manner and inform the betrayed wife. Then see how he reacts + you’d most likely find out the truth about her. Right now, you are just stalling. On purpose. Why would I do that? There’s a chance we may all get through this without her knowing and living through that. Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Perhaps you should “figure it out” in a quicker manner and inform the betrayed wife. Then see how he reacts + you’d most likely find out the truth about her. There are 2 general suggestions I give, this is on of them. Tell his wife. That will likely be the last time you see him because he'll drop the A like a bad habit and spend his time repairing his relationship with her, but, at least you know where you stand. The other suggestion, perhaps even better, is tell him "no more sex/BJs until I see divorce papers". That will also likely be the end of your relationship, but, again, as least you'll know where you stand. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted June 4, 2019 Share Posted June 4, 2019 Him: My marriage is a mess. I should never have married her. YOU: You poor thing Him: You are so kind, beautiful, sexy and interesting and my wife doesn't understand me. YOU: I understand you. Him: I love you YOU: I love you too... Him: I want to be with you forever. YOU: Me too. When are you leaving your wife? Him: Soon but not right now, the timing needs to be right. YOU: (6 months later) When are you leaving your wife? Him: Soon but not now, as I said when the timing is right. I love you, we will be together, just not right now... YOU (2 years later) I can't do this any more. Him: OK, I get it. YOU: (3 years later - January) This time I mean it, we can't carry on like this... Him: I will definitely file in September. YOU: I really do love you.... Him: Love you too, babe. YOU: (4 years later) It's me or her... Him: It's always you sweetie, you know that. But it's the kids, it's the baby, it's the wife, it's the house, it's the job, it's .. YOU: (5 years later)I have now wasted years of my life waiting for you. Him: (Silence) YOU: I can't live without you. Him: Meet you on Saturday, my wife will be out of town for the weekend. YOU: OK. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts