Monogamy anyone?

[pepperbird]

I just wish people would be honest about it. If you aren't suited to being with just one person, then say so. If you discover this about yourself after some years of marriage, be honest with your spouse.

[major_merrick]

Pepperbird, I suspect that monogamy is so ingrained as an ideal in Western cultures that most people strive for it until they absolutely fail. That's how it was with me, anyways. Trying to stick with one person either male or female, and then failing miserably because my sexual or emotional needs weren't being met. It was my GF#1 who broke me out of it and brought GF#2 into our bed. In spite of my cheating in past relationships, and in spite of my many hundreds of sexual partners, you'd probably be surprised that I was scared to bring in GF#2.

 

Looking back, it was silly. Polygamy is a valid and excellent choice. I don't know how we could create a society more open to people finding who they are earlier in life, rather than wandering around like I did for years. Not everybody is monogamous. That's ok. Many people want one partner and only one partner for life. That's great too. To be honest with other people, you first have to be honest with yourself. I think that's the hardest part.

[Prudence V]

I’m not naturally monogamous, but my H is. If his previous M had been anything but a shell, there’s no way I’d have been able to convince him to engage in a R with me.

 

Yet since we’ve been together - more than a decade and a half, now - I’ve had absolutely no desire for anyone else. Just not interested.

[pepperbird]

I’m not naturally monogamous, but my H is. If his previous M had been anything but a shell, there’s no way I’d have been able to convince him to engage in a R with me.

 

Yet since we’ve been together - more than a decade and a half, now - I’ve had absolutely no desire for anyone else. Just not interested.

 

 

I don't think I could do this. It wouldn't matter to me how unhappy I was, as I'm just not suited to being with more than one person. I also find it to be extremely unethical, unless everyone in the situation knows the while story and is okay with it. For some, that's the type of relationship that works for them, and so long as all are honest and open about being with other people and everyone is on board and happy with the situation, then good for them. Enjoy.

 

It's not the having multiple partners that I see as the issue. It's the deception.

 

When I've been in relationships that aren't working out, I plucked up the nerve to leave. It was really hard sometimes, but it would have been harder to lie to myself.

[Prudence V]

I don't think I could do this. It wouldn't matter to me how unhappy I was, as I'm just not suited to being with more than one person.

 

He wasn’t with “more than one person”. They had been separated, and he eventually yielded to her begging and allowed her to move back in on several conditions, which she rapidly broke. Although he didn’t throw her out because of the kids, they had not lived “as man and wife” since the separation. They lived separate lives, though nominally shared an address. If there had been even the merest vestige of a marriage, I’d have had no luck with him. He’s very much a one-woman man.

[pepperbird]

He wasn’t with “more than one person”. They had been separated, and he eventually yielded to her begging and allowed her to move back in on several conditions, which she rapidly broke. Although he didn’t throw her out because of the kids, they had not lived “as man and wife” since the separation. They lived separate lives, though nominally shared an address. If there had been even the merest vestige of a marriage, I’d have had no luck with him. He’s very much a one-woman man.

I don't think you can understand the idea that monogamy isn't predicated on what your spouse is doing/ not doing, as monogamy isn't your mindset. It's not based on external conditions, it's an inner personality trait.

 

Not everyone is suited to this. It's just as difficult for me to understand the mind of someone who is happy being with more than one person. That doesn't make what they are doing wrong, so long as everyone is above board and honest. Otherwise, it's just cheating and dishonesty, which is a separate issue.

Edited June 3, 2019 by pepperbird

[Logo]

I can’t stand when people who use those who value monogamy and the relationship as a source of consistent love, affection, sex, resources, loneliness cure, boredom cure, or whatever benefits one gets with having a main girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband but know damn well they are not the monogamous kind or at the least no longer monogamous towards their partner.

For some who are not into monogamy, appearances often count. It can be either social pressure, peer pressure or family. The non-monogamist wants to keep up the appearance that his or her life is stable and that s/he can be a "decent" and "good" person like everyone else. Women, especially, are afraid of the "slut" label, while it doesn't seem to phase men to be called a "player".

 

 

It's another reason why people keep their boyfriend, girlfriend, wife or husband and go on to cheat. Society, in general, also looks down on people who can't maintain longterm relationships. So cheaters try to keep the appearance of being relationship material. They want to fit in and appear normal.

Edited June 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Curiousroxy86]

basically still goes back to that persons self interest

 

this is one of the main reasons why I am a fan of finding out who you are truly compatible with before getting into a relationship especially a marriage. unfortunately even then you wont know everything

Edited June 4, 2019 by Curiousroxy86

[major_merrick]

The social pressure toward monogamy and fidelity is pretty strong. And when you give up monogamy, everyone assumes that you've also given up on fidelity, which is NOT necessarily the case. Christianity has been a dominant force in the United States up until recently, and the assumption has always been that "real" Christians are monogamous. Once we shed the idea of a society run by religion, or once we shed some of the misleading notions about that religion, then the stigma is reduced.

 

My husband remained monogamous mostly due to social pressure, and it messed up our early relationship. When his Wife #1 came along, he joined her community and that relieved the pressure. Same thing for me - I had to be drawn into a poly relationship by my partners. I could cheat and have FWB's all day long, but to be known as having multiple partners by the whole world was a bit much. Now I'm "out" and I don't care.

 

Once you're able to shed the social pressure, you can find out whether you're really monogamous, or just wanted the appearance.

[Curiousroxy86]

Major you make a great point about social pressure. That will explain a big part why those who are not monogamous “play that role”.

 

But for me personally I genuinely want/prefer/desire to be in a monogamous relationship/marriage. I have zero desire to have multiple husbands.

 

I am all the more adamant in dating about not pushing men to do what they don’t want to do and letting them have their autonomy. I need to see what a guy is really about before I decide to be with him for a lifetime

[heartwhole2]

I am highly unlikely to cheat. I am risk averse and reserved. I expect to be adored by my mate and would never tolerate competing for him. But that said, saying that I could never cheat in the right circumstances is being overly confident. I'd call it arrogant.

 

It's like saying that you're completely, 100% not a racist in any circumstance. Only a person who is not aware of their subconscious biases could make such a statement. The least racist people are the ones who admit the ways in which they have judged, dismissed, or dehumanized others and make efforts to be more aware and more empathetic. They are aware of common thinking traps and have strategies for overcoming them.

 

Because I want to be monogamous I practice good boundaries. I don't put myself in situations where someone I'm attracted to has access to me or where secrecy can flourish. I don't develop emotional intimacy with "affair-able" people. If the right person said the right things to me at the right time, I might get carried away with the excitement of it all. Probably not, because I'm very ethical. Even our MC said I am more ethical than most people. But I'm also a human who is emotional and sexual.

 

I see a lot of BS say that they could never cheat. I wonder if when you have been knocked so low by your spouse's infidelity, that clinging to the moral high ground is the only solace you've got. I may have been deceived and betrayed and devastated, but at least I'm better than this cheater because they did something I could never do . . . It's understandable why someone would take comfort in this thinking, but it also prevents the BS viewing the WS (or the AP) as a complicated person with some redeeming qualities. And if we can't view them as humans who took part in all too familiar human drama, then we might remain stuck in our righteous indignation.

[Woggle]

I am stubborn to a fault and I hate being told what to do but I am also extremely loyal to people I care about and I like to tell my wife with a clean heart that she is my one and only and mean it. I have my faults but being disloyal has never been one of them.

[pepperbird]

I But that said, saying that I could never cheat in the right circumstances is being overly confident. I'd call it arrogant.

 

 

This may be true for you, but it's not for me. Like I said, me being monogamous is not predicated on anyone else's behavior. It comes from me.

 

btw...I am a BS myself. I have had ample opportunity to cheat ( and some might say justification) , both in my marriage and other relationships. It's just not who I am. It's not about being arrogant, it's about knowing yourself.

 

This is why I can be confident that I am monogamous. It is what it is.

Edited June 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Orokotikki]

Just like I can say "I 100% wouldn't knife my buddy for his wallet, even if I was broke" and mean it.

 

There is no "right circumstance" unless your world view allows for such a thing to exist.

To me there is no 'circumstance' of significance, there is just me and my decisions from which my actions follow.

[vla1120]

Because I want to be monogamous I practice good boundaries. I don't put myself in situations where someone I'm attracted to has access to me or where secrecy can flourish. I don't develop emotional intimacy with "affair-able" people. If the right person said the right things to me at the right time, I might get carried away with the excitement of it all. Probably not, because I'm very ethical. Even our MC said I am more ethical than most people. But I'm also a human who is emotional and sexual......

 

In the same respect, I think some cheaters use the "we are not monogamous by nature" as an excuse for cheating. I can say with 100% certainty that I would never rob a bank (I did steal a candy bar once from the corner store when I was a kid), and I will not cheat on my partner. It is a choice. If I lost interest in my spouse/partner, I would approach them with the issue rather than look outside of our relationship for comfort. It's only fair.

Edited June 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator