Woggle Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I will admit that my wife is drop dead gorgeous but I just can't see in a million years preferring a cheap thrill with somebody I just met over sharing some intimacy with a woman I know will have my back through almost anything. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 That's who I am too. I have always been monogamous... meaning having sex with only one partner at a time even as a single person. BUT.... As a single person for so many years I really struggle with this... not only because I am monogamous but because it has been so hard for me to even get to that level with a guy. I have a hard time understanding this whole ONS concept until you meet the right person. It bogs my mind. I have even googled things like... how do you have sex with a complete stranger. lol... but all I get porn! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 l'm really glad you know it about yourself , l do of myself too, wouldn't want it any other way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
snowboy91 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I feel that the whole thing of monogamy vs. non-monogamy can be viewed the same way as whether people are gay. Some are, some aren't - and we don't have to necessarily understand how the feelings of being gay (or non-monogamous) works - just that it's a thing. Power to those who are confidently monogamous. I always know I will notice other women. However I consider cheating a massive breach of trust in a relationship that should be monogamous - and I understand that most people I would want to be in a relationship with expect monogamy. Thus as long as I'm in the relationship I consider it expected that I remain faithful - if I were to cheat I'd be so paranoid of being found out that it would destroy the relationship anyway. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 Part of what got me past cheating was non-monogamy. Another part of it was becoming a mother. Both things keep me busier than I would have been with a single partner. I can really respect someone who is up front about what makes them tick. It sounds like you have been able to reach that point. I really wish more were like that. I know it can take a while sometimes for someone to learn that monogamy isn't for them, but I think it's such a jerk move for someone to know he or she isn't cut out to just be with one person but then pretend otherwise. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author pepperbird Posted May 30, 2019 Author Share Posted May 30, 2019 I am perfectly happy being monogamy minded, but I know that's not for everyone. I didn't really "learn" that, it just is what it is. It's almost as if that part of my brain that notices guys shuts off somehow when I am with someone. I only have eyes for them. I can't get my head around being with more than one person at a time, but I know others feel differently. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I'm a monogamist and proud of it. Always have been and always will be. Even multi-dating has often felt like a bit of a struggle at times. I've had countless opportunities to cheat while in my relationships and haven't so much as even thought about cheating never mind going through with it. To be honest, I don't really get it. If you want to f*ck around then stay single. Seems simple enough but whatever. Personally, I don't care what you are or what your preference is - I just wish people were upfront about it and took ownership of who they are rather than pretend to be something they're not. At least then you know what you're dealing with and can make an informed decision to move forward with that person or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
skywriter Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Pepperbird, I can't get my mind around being with more than one person at a time either.Even in my high school years I didn't want to date more than one guy at a time. I've always preferred being exclusive. To each his own though. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I think that some cheaters enjoy the cheating aspect. There is no law saying that you have to be with only one person if you don't want and there are many people who want open situations so why not find them? Why take somebody who though they were your one and only and betray them? Not only do you damage them but you also destroy their trust in the opposite sex and in people in general which might affect how they treat others. It has a big ripple effect. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Tantrum Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) I was a gal who saved my virginity for the man I married, with the intention for him to be my one and only forever and ever. Got pushed into "consensual nonmonogamy" (swinging, open marriage, polyamory) about four years into the marriage when we were having a rough go of things and he (now Ex) dangled it like a carrot - "I'll be the husband you want if you do this with me." He managed to sell me on the idea that sexual variety would help him grow up and fix our marriage. Lol nope. Downward spiral of misery. I hadn't wanted to get involved with other men, but it was pretty much part of the culture, a weird tit-for-tat thing where my equal participation was expected for him to not be ostracized by the social circles he wanted to get in on. Of course this was all pitched as "liberation." Messed me up really good in the head for a while. Under very particular circumstances I could see myself being content in a polygynous marriage (being one of multiple wives), but *I* only want to have sex with one man, full stop. Edited May 30, 2019 by Kitty Tantrum 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 To be honest, I don't know if inclination towards monogamy or lack thereof is the main reason for cheating. Sure, there are people who cheat because they were never meant to be in a LTR to begin with. But there are also monogamous-inclined people who cheat (emotionally or otherwise), because they have lost interest in their relationship. So in their hearts they are not actually "with" the person they are with anymore, even if they are still with that person for various reasons (kids, house, etc). Obviously, I'm not condoning cheating at all, nor is there any excuse for it. I just don't think the reasons why people cheat are as simple as monogamous vs not monogamous. I think it's very much a self-control, ethics, and personality thing, rather than an expression of a sexual preference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 For me personally, it's not as much about monogamy (though I've always been a monogamist) as it is about the cheating and dishonesty involved with having any type of affair (EA or otherwise) behind your partner's back. The betrayal is a deal-breaker for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Under very particular circumstances I could see myself being content in a polygamous marriage (being one of multiple wives), but *I* only want to have sex with one man, full stop. I used to tell my first husband (of 32 years) that I needed a stay at home wife to take care of the house and kids while I was at work (as the main breadwinner.) I was only half kidding. In hindsight, think I could even have dealt with them being intimate and her bearing children (because I love kids.) I think it would have been much easier to handle than finding out he had an affair with my best friend while I was 7 months pregnant with his child. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 I can be very content in a monogamous relationship if that is what is called for and agreed to. Otherwise, I prefer polyamorous relationships such as the one I'm in presently (for the past 19 years). Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 For me personally, it's not as much about monogamy (though I've always been a monogamist) as it is about the cheating and dishonesty involved with having any type of affair (EA or otherwise) behind your partner's back. The betrayal is a deal-breaker for me. Does this mean you'd somehow have been OK with the affair had it been disclosed to you in real time? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 (edited) Obviously, I'm not condoning cheating at all, nor is there any excuse for it. I just don't think the reasons why people cheat are as simple as monogamous vs not monogamous. I think it's very much a self-control, ethics, and personality thing, rather than an expression of a sexual preference. It’s about self interest I think. People tend to do what’s in their self interest Both cheaters and monogamists do. But on the topic of cheaters as to why they cheat is simply down to their own self interests. It just so happens that their self interest at whatever time they choose to cheat doesn’t line up with the self interest of the faithful partner. The person does not want to be faithful with whoever they are with for reasons that serve them (which is fine I have no issues with this decision). Yet they hold on to the person who wanted/expected monogamous relationship/marriage for reasons that also serve them at least temporarily (where I take major issue). To be fair the monogamous partner doesn’t always let go of the known cheater either which is their own issue ; whether the person was a cheater from the start or became that way isn’t my personal gripe. It’s when they hold on to the faithful partner pretending they are not cheating or that they won’t cheat again that I really can’t stand. Edited June 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Monogamy for me was like going to high school, entering the service or going to college. I never gave one thought to the idea that I might not graduate. Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Does this mean you'd somehow have been OK with the affair had it been disclosed to you in real time? Mr. Lucky I know this wasn't directed at me, but I imagine if this would've happened in my own case, at least I would have found it easier to trust (them and myself) after. The lying and being fooled really is a whole extra thing imho. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Self interest is a good answer. We live in the me era when many people only care about themselves. Nobody seems willing or able to build something with another person anymore. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
major_merrick Posted May 30, 2019 Share Posted May 30, 2019 Under very particular circumstances I could see myself being content in a polygynous marriage (being one of multiple wives), but *I* only want to have sex with one man, full stop. That's exactly the setup that I've got. I only have sex with one man - my husband. I've never been with any other guy but him, nor would I want to. But monogamy can't give me something else I need - sex with other women. When I tried having a monogamous relationship with my husband when we dated years ago, I found quickly that I couldn't give up female contact. For me, cheating while in a monogamous relationship was mostly about the sex. I felt bad about the deception, but my sex drive overrides that. Without a way to keep my sex drive in check, I will have my clothes off for a new girl before my brain catches up. I can't do open relationships. Tried and failed. I have to have the security of commitment, but also the flexibility of having more than one person for emotional and sexual contact. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 im celibate outside of a relationship because i dont believe in sex before marriage....as far as cheating goes i cant say that i would never cheat ...i will say that its against what i believe in and that if i were to cheat that i would take the consequences and come clean immediately and if i were to cheat it wouldnt be planned...i could never have an affair on any guy i was or would be with...i kissed a guy once and it went no further than a kiss.....when i was in a relationship and even though i was told not to tell ...i did.....i couldnt look at my ex bf and be open and honest and not tell...i value honesty and openness..... so it is unlikely i woudl cheat on a guy......but...if i were too..its not something i would hide or not admit too...i would be ashamed and devastated myself.....because cheating...is a horrible thing to do to someone you love and care about...to hurt someone i am with.....would hurt me..........deb 1 Link to post Share on other sites
vla1120 Posted May 31, 2019 Share Posted May 31, 2019 Does this mean you'd somehow have been OK with the affair had it been disclosed to you in real time? Mr. Lucky Not particularly. However, if he had communicated with me that he was unhappy with me, or I was not enough, or he was interested in another woman, or many other women, or whatever - I might have handled that better than coming home from a 14-hour work day and having my 5-yr-old daughter tell me she "saw daddy kissing (insert best friend's name here) like they were married in the movies." That was devastating - not to mention they involved my innocent child in their deviance. I totally get that passion fades, life becomes monotonous and boring, some people gain weight and are not as attractive as when their partner first met them, etc. What I don't understand is using any of that as an excuse to stray from the person you vowed to be faithful to until death do you part. If you cannot rely 100% on the person you married as your life partner to stand by you, support you, and be faithful to you, who can you trust in this world? When I married (both times), I was "all in." Maybe my problem is actually having chosen the wrong man, not once but twice. Ugh. That begs another question. How do you know for sure? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 Most believe in serial monogamy - one mate at a time. Monogamy is one mate for life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kamani Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 I am a monogamist pushed to be a polygamist. 1 relationship, 1 long term marriage who is my husband. I love him to death. Found out he is bisexual and he admitted physically cheating on me with men (no emotional attachments) which he has done throughout our marriage. I still wanted him and 'only him'. But once I approached late thirties to forties I got hopelessly horny and he couldn't give 100% to me. He started saying he wanted to have sex with men on and off and persuaded me to have sex with other men. He gets horny for me thinking about it which is exactly what I wanted. We are in a open marriage now with ups and downs, but I am happier now, with less fights with him. I have lost trust in love and marriage but I still love him very much. I never thought I could do 'polygamy', but now I want it. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted June 1, 2019 Share Posted June 1, 2019 How do you know for sure? I wonder if there was some way to completely lock-down our partners (app-enabled chastity belt ?), would we have more of a tendency to become lazy in a relationship? Maybe a little creative tension is a good thing, makes us work harder... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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