He is already in a new relationship after we broke up 2 weeks ago!

[themagicgirl]

Urinary tract infections aren't sexually transmitted, so if he was sleeping with anyone else, it didn't cause this.

 

I maintain that putting a new relationship on FB doens't mean they are committed. It truly is possible to set too much store in social media. In his case, it's more likely to mean rebound.

 

I'm sure you had something really good while it was in it's prime and that would have been real - but given the on again off again of recent times, it sounds like the relationship had reached it's end.

 

Well to me when you put the status on Facebook that you are in a relationship with someone, for family and friends to see and comment, that means you are in a serious commited relationship with that person.

 

Even his new girlfriend's mom commented and he responded saying he looks forward to meet her. To me that means commitment.

 

Yes you are right about our relationship. It was very intense and honeymoon like in the beginning, then it started to go south and this was the end.

 

Maybe we just deal with break-ups differently. I need time on my own to process and heal and be open to love again. Maybe the way he deals with it is by starting a new relationship asap.

 

I can't understand it, but is none of my business and I just need to shift the focus to myself and move on.

[healing light]

Sorry to hear this, I can imagine how painful that can be. You're on the right track--it won't help you in any way to keep tabs on him with this new woman. It would also have me questioning his authenticity in our relationship, but some people cope by bouncing from relationship to relationship. I think they likely end up grieving their unprocessed losses much later down the line.

[basil67]

Well to me when you put the status on Facebook that you are in a relationship with someone, for family and friends to see and comment, that means you are in a serious commited relationship with that person.

 

Thing is, this isn't a universal rule...just as my assumption about rebound isn't a universal rule. Why my daughter broke up with her ex, he put a new 'relationship' on FB shortly after. And it was gone again in a week.

[Blanco]

I know some people who are or were in multi-year exclusive relationships who never made it "Facebook official." Similarly, I've seen plenty of people go Facebook official and then it's over within a matter of weeks or months.

 

Point is, tough as it is right now, you can't over-analyze too much what the nature of their relationship is based on what you've heard about their social media habits.

[themagicgirl]

Thing is, this isn't a universal rule...just as my assumption about rebound isn't a universal rule. Why my daughter broke up with her ex, he put a new 'relationship' on FB shortly after. And it was gone again in a week.

 

Yes that can be right, but you know what? It really doesn't matter anymore. It was a shock for me to see that, but it just shows me how he is and that he is ok with getting involved with a new person when he just broke up with someone he said he loves 2 weeks before.

 

I think that is tremendously egoistic in regards to the new person too and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know about it, that's why he blocked me on social media too.

[themagicgirl]

Sorry to hear this, I can imagine how painful that can be. You're on the right track--it won't help you in any way to keep tabs on him with this new woman. It would also have me questioning his authenticity in our relationship, but some people cope by bouncing from relationship to relationship. I think they likely end up grieving their unprocessed losses much later down the line.

 

As I said on my previous post, that is very egoistic to do even in regards to the new person who must completely oblivious to what happened before with him. I'm pretty sure he didn't tell her, that's why he blocked me on social media too.

[themagicgirl]

I know some people who are or were in multi-year exclusive relationships who never made it "Facebook official." Similarly, I've seen plenty of people go Facebook official and then it's over within a matter of weeks or months.

 

Point is, tough as it is right now, you can't over-analyze too much what the nature of their relationship is based on what you've heard about their social media habits.

 

To be honest, I don't care anymore what is the nature of their relationship. To me it's ridiculous and he is using her to move on. And I don't want a man like that. Good luck to him.

[basil67]

I'm so glad to her that him moving on doesn't matter to you anymore. It's a big step in moving forward.

[themagicgirl]

I'm so glad to her that him moving on doesn't matter to you anymore. It's a big step in moving forward.

 

I think it's because I just realized this is not him moving on. This is him using another woman to avoid the pain of dealing with the break-up and the loneliness.

 

Most probably she doesn't even know about it.

 

And that shows me the type of man he is.

 

So, this is a sign for me to move on and focus on me and start dating again when I'm ready.

[themagicgirl]

Hi guys, I can't stop thinking about this and is driving me crazy.

 

Not the fact he is with someone else or moving on, but the possibility that he was already involved with her/talking to her when we were still together, trying to make things work and him saying he loves me and etc...

 

It just makes me feel like a fool and I'm considering the idea of sending him a message asking this.

 

I know is not the right thing to do, but the truth is I would like to know if the thing with this new woman started before we break up.

[SophieG]

I know is not the right thing to do, but the truth is I would like to know if the thing with this new woman started before we break up.

 

Honestly, at this point, what difference would it make?! Make you sadder or angrier at him? What do you think you’d achieve by asking him this question?! I don’t see the point at all... let him be with this new person and that’s it! You should just move on

[themagicgirl]

Honestly, at this point, what difference would it make?! Make you sadder or angrier at him? What do you think you’d achieve by asking him this question?! I don’t see the point at all... let him be with this new person and that’s it! You should just move on

 

I know. I'm just so pis*** off from finding out about this. That basically while I was investing in him for months and trying to make the relationship work, he was playing me all this time and talking to this other woman (or women) and maybe even went on dates with them.

 

It just makes me want to message this new girl and tell her all about it. I just feel like a fool for believing in him for so long.

 

I remember a friend of mine telling me like 2 or 3 months ago that I should go out and meet other men, and I told her no because we were in an exclusive relationship and that's not being honest.

 

I know what he did is a reflection of who he is and not who I am, but I just feel stupid that's it.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are very unlikely to get an honest answer out of him at this point, OP. Don't bother messaging the new girlfriend either. You won't get the results you want.

 

I think it's rather significant that he had actually broken up with you first. Something was bothering him enough to want to end the relationship. Whether that's when he met her or had legitimate concerns about proceeding with you anyway, he chose to walk away. I realize he came back a couple weeks later, but that's a tough bell to unring.

 

Remind yourself of the reasons why you then chose to walk away yourself. It sounds like you had valid concerns and did what was best for you. Two break-ups usually mean the couple is just not a good match and should not go back for Round 3.

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

What were the events in your mind that led to the break up. Why did you break up with him?

 

- Beach

[themagicgirl]

You are very unlikely to get an honest answer out of him at this point, OP. Don't bother messaging the new girlfriend either. You won't get the results you want.

 

I think it's rather significant that he had actually broken up with you first. Something was bothering him enough to want to end the relationship. Whether that's when he met her or had legitimate concerns about proceeding with you anyway, he chose to walk away. I realize he came back a couple weeks later, but that's a tough bell to unring.

 

Remind yourself of the reasons why you then chose to walk away yourself. It sounds like you had valid concerns and did what was best for you. Two break-ups usually mean the couple is just not a good match and should not go back for Round 3.

 

Before he broke up with me, I considered breaking up too. Because he was the type of guy that when everything is as he wants and all is well, he's great, but when I tell him also what I want and he doesn't like, he withdraws, become aloof and distant, and he once even turned his back on me and left.

 

All because I told him I would like to do stuff together, go to places, etc, feel like we are together in a relationship and not just netflix and chill. His response was "whatever". So I considered breaking up but I didn't.

 

Then later on we had an argument about it and that's when he broke up with me, saying I should be with another type of man who can give me all I deserve (totally agree with him).

 

NOW it all makes sense. He just wasn't in it 100%. Although he said we were exclusive and serious (I even met his parents and he met mine), he really wasn't.

 

He was just playing the field and talking to other women and probably was grooming this one for when we break up for good.

 

I did have valid concerns to break up and now I can see what is that my intuition was telling me about him.

 

I'm just pis*** off for the time I wasted with this guy.

 

I could even see his new girlfriend's mom commenting on their Facebook photo, and him responding to her saying how beautiful her daughter is and so looking forward he is to meet her mom!

 

That is exactly what he did to me... This is absolutely ridiculous. It's like he's shooting everywhere seeing which one will bite and stay, but he has no real connection with anyone because is only concerned about himself.

 

I wouldn't want to contact him and ask him if he was already with her when we were together, but it would be fun to just contact him and say congratulations on your new acquisition after only 2 weeks. Since he apparently doesn't want me to know, that would be fun to do. lol

 

But you guys are right, that would be another waste of my time and energy and breaking up with him was the only thing I needed to do. I just feel heartbroken but it will heal after a while.

Edited May 23, 2019 by themagicgirl

[themagicgirl]

Hey OP,

 

What were the events in your mind that led to the break up. Why did you break up with him?

 

- Beach

 

Please read my previous message, I explain that. Thank you

[Beachead]

Hey OP,

 

Okay I read it.

 

I am sorry for what you went through. I was in 2 relationships with women who were both half-committed for their personal reasons, so I know the anger you feel there when you realized the truth. That's time, energy, resources invested. Trust. Loyalty. That's a difficult thing to accept.

 

All in all, this guy created the crappy situation that forced you to have to break up, although you didn't really want to. It ends up making the breakup far harder on you than it does for him. Even though you're the dumper, you're really just a dumper that was forced to do so...so your grief is more dumpee.

 

I think the key for you is to remember that most often than not, there's really no way to know someone or a situation until you know. If you hadn't taken the chance, you would have wondered "what if" for the rest of your life and that would have eaten away at you. At the time, based on all you knew, it was a decision that made sense. Getting past this is will be more about forgiving yourself and not letting your ego hold you back.

 

You're seeing him for who he is now which is a good thing because it's going to help get you out of those weak moments and push you forward.

 

- Beach

[themagicgirl]

All in all, this guy created the crappy situation that forced you to have to break up, although you didn't really want to. It ends up making the breakup far harder on you than it does for him. Even though you're the dumper, you're really just a dumper that was forced to do so...so your grief is more dumpee.

 

I think the key for you is to remember that most often than not, there's really no way to know someone or a situation until you know. If you hadn't taken the chance, you would have wondered "what if" for the rest of your life and that would have eaten away at you. At the time, based on all you knew, it was a decision that made sense. Getting past this is will be more about forgiving yourself and not letting your ego hold you back.

 

You're seeing him for who he is now which is a good thing because it's going to help get you out of those weak moments and push you forward.

 

OMG I haven't thought about it that way! You're absolutely right, he did set things up for me to break up and in reality I was the dumpee, that's why is hard for me to see all this now.

 

Because I wanted to make it work, not breaking up, and he was always with one foot out of the door all the time.

 

He actually admitted once that he did a few things on purpose to push me away... what kind of man does that to the woman he says he loves?

 

Yes there's no way to know a situation or someone until you know, but there were red flags in the beginning that I ignored.

 

I do have a problem in setting up boundaries in the beginning, I'm very accomodating and accepting, even if I don't like something, and then the guy just thinks I'm very submissive and passive, but then it escalates and by the time I put my boundaries I'm so fed up that I just lash out all at once and they get very surprised because they didn't know this side of me.

 

I have to put boundaries in the beginning and realise that when a guy is ignoring or pushing my boundaries that's a huge red flag.

 

Lesson learned and I'm gonna work on that with myself.

Edited May 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[Beachead]

That's a good attitude to have. I like how you've pinpointed your weaknesses. It shows, you're emotionally intelligent and a self-aware person. That's going to do you a lot of good going forward.

 

But I don't think you're wrong or to blame for not noticing the red flags. Sure, you can see them clear as day in hindsight because you have all the information available to assess what happened accurately. But back then, you didn't know all that. When you're in it, and you care about the person, and you're invested in a future with them, you tend to pass off possible warning signs as nothing because you search for solutions, instead of problems. You naturally forgive them, you show compassion and patience to them. You support. You hope things will improve and you work towards that improvement. So what might be a red flag may be passed off as just a bad day or a personality flaw. This is what love is. You loved him.

 

So don't be too hard on yourself. I had trouble establishing boundaries in the past myself and just like you, things would escalating because a lot of people out there naturally take advantage of it..and then I'd flip out. Then I looked like a lunatic. I found it to just be pointless. When it comes to any kind of relationship including friendships and familial relationships..set those boundaries up and stay disciplined behind it right off the bat so it doesn't get to that excessive point.

 

Overall, it's good to set up boundaries but also be accepting and giving in your relationships as you have been. That is a strength. Not a weakness. For you and I and many like us, I'd say finding a good balance between both is the key.

 

Stay strong. You'll be fine

 

- Beach

Edited May 23, 2019 by Beachead

[themagicgirl]

That's a good attitude to have. I like how you've pinpointed your weaknesses. It shows, you're emotionally intelligent and a self-aware person. That's going to do you a lot of good going forward.

 

But I don't think you're wrong or to blame for not noticing the red flags. Sure, you can see them clear as day in hindsight because you have all the information available to assess what happened accurately. But back then, you didn't know all that. When you're in it, and you care about the person, and you're invested in a future with them, you tend to pass off possible warning signs as nothing because you search for solutions, instead of problems. You naturally forgive them, you show compassion and patience to them. You support. You hope things will improve and you work towards that improvement. So what might be a red flag may be passed off as just a bad day or a personality flaw. This is what love is. You loved him.

 

So don't be too hard on yourself. I had trouble establishing boundaries in the past myself and just like you, things would escalating because a lot of people out there naturally take advantage of it..and then I'd flip out. Then I looked like a lunatic. I found it to just be pointless. When it comes to any kind of relationship including friendships and familial relationships..set those boundaries up and stay disciplined behind it right off the bat so it doesn't get to that excessive point.

 

Overall, it's good to set up boundaries but also be accepting and giving in your relationships as you have been. That is a strength. Not a weakness. For you and I and many like us, I'd say finding a good balance between both is the key.

 

Stay strong. You'll be fine

 

- Beach

 

Yes you are right about looking for the solutions and giving support and etc, but because I don't put those boundaries up from the beginning, I tend to attract the wrong kind of men - the ones that are going to take advantage.

 

If I put those boundaries up from the beginning, I wouldn't even go past date one or two with all the guys I have been involved with over the past 3 years.

 

I dated 3 guys in these 3 years:

 

- First one was a past boyfriend of 14 years ago that came back and right off the bat invited me to go camping with him and sleep together in the same tent (we never had sex before). I found that too much too soon but instead of telling him to f*** off, I told him ok let's get together and see what happens: ended up dating him for 5 months.

 

- The second one asked me what I wanted to do for the second date, I told him, he said yes ok but then on the day he completely ignored it and we went doing what be wanted instead. I should have told him no, I want to go doing what I told you and you agreed: ended up dating him for 2 months.

 

- The last guy was this one, he said I love you on the first week we met and that I was his soulmate and he finally found me. This should have been enough to make me run for hills, but instead I wanted to believe in him: ended up dating him for 8 months.

 

All of these situations ended badly, with them crossing my boundaries, taking advantage and me getting to a point of fliping out and breaking up.

 

All situations I could have avoided if I had put boundaries from the start. I could be right now with the right man already.

 

All this to say that sometimes my "support" is a bit of people pleasing. I want to be liked and loved. Then of course I was emotionally invested already so I wanted to make it work.

 

I want to break this pattern and be loving and supportive yes, but with a normal guy in a healthy relationship.

[emeraldgreen]

Why is it your business how long he waits or how available he is to you on social media? This is just your bruised ego because you wanted him to be all cut up and mourning you.

[Beachead]

I want to break this pattern and be loving and supportive yes, but with a normal guy in a healthy relationship.

 

You are able to be critical of yourself and acknowledge your hand in these things and because of that, you are able to figure out your weaknesses and where they stem from. Once you do that, you're able to correct them.

 

So I have absolute confidence that this will happen for you. Continue to work on yourself. The rest is just finding that guy who's a good catch.

 

- Beach

[themagicgirl]

Why is it your business how long he waits or how available he is to you on social media? This is just your bruised ego because you wanted him to be all cut up and mourning you.

 

I don't think you got the purpose of my post. I don't give a shyt how long he waits or how available he is to me on social media or if he is all cut up and mourning me. I broke up with him so couldn't care less.

 

The purpose of this post is the fact that he is in a new relationship after only 2 weeks, which makes me think he was cheating on me BEFORE we broke up or already talking to this other woman and grooming her for when we broke up for good.

 

That's my point in here. That I was wasting my time with this guy.

[themagicgirl]

You are able to be critical of yourself and acknowledge your hand in these things and because of that, you are able to figure out your weaknesses and where they stem from. Once you do that, you're able to correct them.

 

So I have absolute confidence that this will happen for you. Continue to work on yourself. The rest is just finding that guy who's a good catch.

 

- Beach

 

Yes I hope so. I am reading a good book on healthy relationships and intimacy, understanding the dynamics of healthy dating and relationship, and brainwashing myself on that, so anything that appears in the future that is toxic it will be very evident quickly.

[emeraldgreen]

I don't think you got the purpose of my post. I don't give a shyt how long he waits or how available he is to me on social media or if he is all cut up and mourning me. I broke up with him so couldn't care less.

 

The purpose of this post is the fact that he is in a new relationship after only 2 weeks, which makes me think he was cheating on me BEFORE we broke up or already talking to this other woman and grooming her for when we broke up for good.

 

That's my point in here. That I was wasting my time with this guy.

 

The purpose of your post is muddled because, after you guys were done, you went to his social media and found that "the date went well". It was after.

 

I just think you're bummed by him replacing you easily - if that's even what it is. He might well just be trying to push through the process while getting back out there, which doesn't always work. He'll find that out but it won't be your concern.