Odd FWB situation

[mark clemson]

Well, here is my personal opinion:

 

 

Obviously it's your decision. The person who this is most unfair to is presumably his wife. Do you know if he's told her or at least told her that he's only staying for the kid and wishes to see other people? I would think/hope he owes the mother of his child at least that. Leaving her if he really wants you would be the right thing to do.

 

What tends to happen from what I understand is that you slowly become more and more emotionally attached to the MM until it starts to become genuinely painful to not have them fully in your life. At which point the affair becomes not worth having. This may happen on his side as well. This is the general trend, but it may take months for some vs years for others. Possibly your attachment to your new baby may shield you from this somewhat.

 

At any rate, being emotionally attached to him but not having him fully as a partner almost certainly will interfere with you forming a (presumably) healthier relationship with someone else. And will very likely become difficult emotionally. So, IMO it's in YOUR best interest to either insist he divorce and be with you or move on so you can have a real relationship with someone else.

 

Of course, you would be breaking up a family and he will always need to be in touch somewhat due to the child - so you need to consider whether you can live with that. It does sounds like their marriage might be on its last leg with or without you in the picture. However, he's staying for now, so you'd be the one insisting he put the final nail in the coffin (if he agrees).

 

That would be my take on it. I'm sure others will differ. IMO the wise thing would be to walk away now. A new relationship would have less baggage.

[stillafool]

Yes. It’s just fun given that it’s been so long since I hooked up with anyone with whom there was actual chemistry. And I really have feelings for this person.

 

But you said in your earlier post that he knows you won't have sex with him while he's still married. So why are you worrying about sex when he's still married and not pressing you for it?

[Gb83]

But you said in your earlier post that he knows you won't have sex with him while he's still married. So why are you worrying about sex when he's still married and not pressing you for it?

 

Oh... we have so much chemistry even with a simple kiss. With the way we talk and interact. It’s not just that he comes over every night... I want him there to end my day

[mark clemson]

Yeah. See this is how it is. You get emotionally attached and then it's harder to walk away. But will he leave his wife for you? Who knows. Plus you're breaking up a family.

 

This is the slippery slope we were trying to warn you about in your other thread. It's why I and many other folks around here advise people to walk away from these things early on if they can.

[Gb83]

Good advice. It’s probably healthiest for me to not even worry about giving him an ultimatum and starting to see other people. One thing I’ll admit is that I’m so attracted to him that I also just want to have sex with him to scratch the itch.

[mark clemson]

Yeah, he may be aware of that at some level if he is good at reading people. Probably is...

[Gb83]

I don’t know, it just gives me pause that I’ve made it clear I won’t sleep w him while he’s still married and yet he spends every night w me when he’s here, talks to me every day when he’s with his family in California, tells me to just be patient, etc. I’ve dated a lot and it just seems like a lot for someone who could get actual sex elsewhere and more easily. And to continue on for 6 months?!

[Dandelioness]

Some guys think single moms are desperate and easy. You just had a baby so he's waiting until you're physically capable and assumes you will sleep with him when he pushes for it.

 

(I didn't read all the responses.)

[Gb83]

I don’t think this because he instead tells me to be patient for when we agreed it can actually happen ie both people no longer with spouses.

[Dandelioness]

He may be saying that so 'you' don't date other people "just in case". He wants to keep you as his side.

[Gb83]

Hm. I just doubt I come off as desperate when I make 6 figures, ended my marriage largely because I didn’t want a spouse trying to freeload off me who wasn’t even affectionate or attentive or family centered... am in great shape, didn’t “let myself go” surrounding this whole childbirth event (guy used to tell me I looked hot /sexy at 9 months pregnant)... now happily care for my child as a single parent and have friends over, cook, clean etc.

 

This guy comes over every night but how many of those are me suggesting he come over? 0%. In fact some nights I have other plans and tell him sorry, but he’ll wait up for me to get back. And yes we do some things but do not actually have sex.

[mark clemson]

Yes, the situation is a little hard to get a read on. There are multiple possible reasons, but none of them seem to fully add up.

 

Does his wife actually know about you? She must suspect something with all of this.

 

You might consider asking him why he comes over so much (in whatever direct or indirect way makes sense to you to ask). Consider asking how much his wife knows as well. This may allow you to read his intent better.

 

What doesn't add up for me is he's telling you to be patient yet also that he's staying in his marriage for the kid. So are you supposed to be patient for on the order of 8-10 years?

 

Although I hate suggesting stuff like this, it seems to me if he doesn't like his wife anymore and really wants you to be together that much, he should bite the bullet and divorce so you two can be together (assuming that's what you want).

Edited May 27, 2019 by mark clemson

[Gb83]

Now he’s tossing around idea of taking a job at a firm 1 hour away, and he keeps telling me to come with him and try to get a job at that firm too if he does. And talks about how we are off to such a good start and things will unfold as they should. Confusing

[stillafool]

One thing I’ll admit is that I’m so attracted to him that I also just want to have sex with him to scratch the itch.

 

He know this.

 

I don’t know, it just gives me pause that I’ve made it clear I won’t sleep w him while he’s still married and yet he spends every night w me when he’s here, talks to me every day when he’s with his family in California, tells me to just be patient, etc. I’ve dated a lot and it just seems like a lot for someone who could get actual sex elsewhere and more easily. And to continue on for 6 months?!

 

This is why he waits too. You're convenient.

[stillafool]

Yes, the situation is a little hard to get a read on. There are multiple possible reasons, but none of them seem to fully add up.

 

Does his wife actually know about you? She must suspect something with all of this.

 

You might consider asking him why he comes over so much (in whatever direct or indirect way makes sense to you to ask). Consider asking how much his wife knows as well. This may allow you to read his intent better.

 

What doesn't add up for me is he's telling you to be patient yet also that he's staying in his marriage for the kid. So are you supposed to be patient for on the order of 8-10 years?

 

Although I hate suggesting stuff like this, it seems to me if he doesn't like his wife anymore and really wants you to be together that much, he should bite the bullet and divorce so you two can be together (assuming that's what you want).

 

See the problem with your post is you're just too logical and make too much sense.

[stillafool]

Hm. I just doubt I come off as desperate when I make 6 figures, ended my marriage largely because I didn’t want a spouse trying to freeload off me who wasn’t even affectionate or attentive or family centered... am in great shape, didn’t “let myself go” surrounding this whole childbirth event (guy used to tell me I looked hot /sexy at 9 months pregnant)... now happily care for my child as a single parent and have friends over, cook, clean etc.

 

This guy comes over every night but how many of those are me suggesting he come over? 0%. In fact some nights I have other plans and tell him sorry, but he’ll wait up for me to get back. And yes we do some things but do not actually have sex.

 

You don't understand. Desperation is being bothered with a MM in the first place. Women who think highly of themselves date eligible bachelors who pursue them.

[Gb83]

You don't understand. Desperation is being bothered with a MM in the first place. Women who think highly of themselves date eligible bachelors who pursue them.

 

I’m not desperate for him... when we met, I totally had that (the eligible guy who had pursued, then married me). But he was a workaholic with fear of intimacy and our relationship ship had issues. I also have other men pursing me even now which MM knows and hates/gets jealous.

[mark clemson]

Well if he's jealous then in his mind your "his girl" to some extent, marriage or no.

 

It sounds like he's bonded to you even without the sex. Or, playing the "insanely long game" as Elaine put it. At this point, he's sort of a married orbiter/EA. How is he with your kid?

 

Bottom line is, it's your life. What do YOU want to do with this guy (bearing in mind what he's doing to his wife)?

[anika99]

Yes, the situation is a little hard to get a read on. There are multiple possible reasons, but none of them seem to fully add up.

 

Does his wife actually know about you? She must suspect something with all of this.

 

You might consider asking him why he comes over so much (in whatever direct or indirect way makes sense to you to ask). Consider asking how much his wife knows as well. This may allow you to read his intent better.

 

What doesn't add up for me is he's telling you to be patient yet also that he's staying in his marriage for the kid. So are you supposed to be patient for on the order of 8-10 years?

 

Although I hate suggesting stuff like this, it seems to me if he doesn't like his wife anymore and really wants you to be together that much, he should bite the bullet and divorce so you two can be together (assuming that's what you want).

 

By reading the OPs first thread about this the MM works far from home and only visits his wife and child every couple of months. Strange because one the catalyst for the OPs divorce was that her husband wanted to work away from home and only come home to see her and the baby on the weekends. That made him deplorable in the OPs opinion but now she's all googly eyed over this new guy who sees his own kid even less. Her husband was a selfish jerk for wanting to abandon his family during the week, but the MM abandons his kid for months at a time and he's just wonderful.

 

Also there were serious emotional intimacy issues in the OPs marriage but what she doesn't understand is that her MM most likely also has serious issues with intimacy as his behaviour is really textbook for this. He works away from home to avoid intimacy with his wife. He behaves intimately with the OP only because he's safely married and therefore can't be expected to give all of himself to her either. In his marriage, physical distance is his buffer to being overwhelmed with demands for intimacy. In his affair his marriage is his buffer.

 

OP this guy just sounds creepy to me. I don't care how much money you make or how strong you think you are, anyone who just had a baby while they are currently divorcing is in a emotionally vulnerable state and needs space and time to grieve and heal. Instead this MM is trying to use your current situation to his own advantage. Your priorities need to be yourself and your baby. As I said in your last thread, if you think this guy is going to care about you and your baby more than he cares about his own kid, you are sorely mistaken. If he can abandon his own child and wife then he'd have no problem doing the same to you and your kid in a heartbeat. If by some miracle he did get divorced and wind up with you I can almost guarantee that it wouldn't be long before he'd put you in the same situation his wife and child are. He'd get you squared away at home, then work far away where he would get himself a new mistress who would think he's just the best ever, while ignoring the fact that he is a cheater and a horrible parent.

[Gb83]

Wow, that was a good post. I’ve thought about some of the issues you raised but not all. Certainly moving away (to a place that furthers career) is something I’ve done myself when relationships are floundering. I saw it as him knowing things weren’t working with his wife and starting to transition to a new life. I think the fear-of-intimacy point is interesting. He does sometimes tell me about his failed relationships /marriage and say maybe I will end up knowing everything that is negative about him like they do.

[mark clemson]

Yeah, good post Anika - this intimacy issue may indeed solve the puzzle of this guy's behavior as well as serve as a good insight for Gb83 about the MM.

[Gb83]

Very good. I understand a lot now. As soon as we started getting really close (kissed), he told me the same night about how he has been a failure in his marriage etc, and basically has expressed fear that I’ll eventually know everything about him and see the negative too.

[central]

If you approach this with open eyes and open mind, you can choose what works for you. YOU have agency, YOU can choose. Maybe it's just fun for now, which is okay, too. If this makes you happy, for a while, enjoy for now. When it no longer serves you, end it, and move on.

[Gb83]

If you approach this with open eyes and open mind, you can choose what works for you. YOU have agency, YOU can choose. Maybe it's just fun for now, which is okay, too. If this makes you happy, for a while, enjoy for now. When it no longer serves you, end it, and move on.

 

It’s good advice. My feelings are more like those of love, as thinking that he has fear of intimacy just makes me feel bad for him and want to get closer and let him know I’m not going anywhere.

[mark clemson]

It’s good advice. My feelings are more like those of love, as thinking that he has fear of intimacy just makes me feel bad for him and want to get closer and let him know I’m not going anywhere.

 

 

Apologies if it sounds like I'm beating a dead horse here, but - maybe he'll leave his current wife and family for you, BUT there's a decent chance he won't and you'll be stuck in the same OW limbo that so many of our posters end up in in that section.

 

IF that happens, well, for most it's apparently not much fun. This is the path you could have gotten off of several months ago. So, in that sense it's on you. It's your life, but really think you should have quite while you were ahead. Oh well, if it's what you (think you) want.