Author PunishedEx Posted July 19, 2019 Author Share Posted July 19, 2019 Yeah decided that I was going to try counseling. Problem is first and foremost that I still WANT to get her back. I need to figure out a way to not want it anymore. That's sort of my only aspiration at the moment in my life, is to get back together with her. There's nothing particularly interesting to do in work, when I get home I don't really have any interesting projects or hobbies. The only thing I desire during the day is to reconcile with her. I know it's bad, and I want to not want it. I know it really is over, I know I'm never going to see her in real life again since she lives abroad. But that doesn't stop my mind from drifting into these long fantasies of waking up to a message from her asking to get back together. Hoping that talking it out with a councilor will help, at the very least, get me out of my own head and figure out what I can replace the longing to get her back with 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PunishedEx Posted August 19, 2019 Author Share Posted August 19, 2019 My story is up here in another thread. Had a bunch of ups and downs since. Feeling empowered, over her, then sad and lonely. It's been 5 months now, reinitiated NC permenatly about 4 weeks ago. The hope of reconciling is well a truly dead now. My problem now is I know she's done and rarely thinks of me (confirmed this last time I broke nc and via mutual friends). I'm trying to reclaim my life tbh. All I desire is her though. I've tried casual dating, therapy, working out, finding new hobbies. It just hasn't been successful. Thoughts over her creep in at every moment. If I'm on a date, I remember her. If I'm practising guitar, I remember when she used to play it. When I'm with friends and they mention a girlfriend/girl in general, I think of her. I can only focus on something for about 20 minutes max before reminiscing begins. I don't enjoy much else, my job is very boring. I just don't desire anything except indulging in memories or fantasies with her. I know I'll never hear from her again but I'm still just thinking about her, there's like a masochistic pleasure, since I don't care for much else. I used to play a lot of video games but I have this compulsion to make something of myself. Right now it feels like I've lost her, someone special. I really want to make something of myself so maybe one day I can look back and think "Actually, I'm someone that's successful, interesting, living life well, and it was her that lost someone special". If I continue to just waste away my life doing **** all its hard not to think "well she's pretty lucky she didn't end up with a loser like me". I just can't seem to find a way to enjoy what I'm doing, it all feels boring or unmotivating and I find I just drop whatever I'm doing and stare off into space thinking about the perfume she used to wear or the cute way she used to smirk and call me a "goose". Link to post Share on other sites
Silver_star Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 You are romanticizing your past, and putting her on a pedestal. No one is perfect, and there are reasons you two broke up. Its take two people to have a relationship. Write a list of reasons in your phone why the relationship wasn't working. Your self esteem takes a hit in a break up. The more you move away from her the more you will start to enjoy things outside of her, and think of other things that make you happy. It truly just takes time. Plan a trip, sign up to do something new and exciting (take lessons in some new skill, or do something that scares you) plan something in the future that excites you, and you can try to focus your energy on that. It wont be easy, and some days/times you will think of her, but as time goes by it will be less and less. When your mind starts to go to her look at the list of reasons why it wasnt working. Remind yourself, and be grateful you are released from something that wasnt working. You are free to find someone new to love now. If you are only 4 weeks NC then more time has to pass without contacting her. Time goes on either way...do you want to be where you are 5 months from now mentally/emotionally? Probably not. Spend more time "just doing you" and building your confidence back up, and you will learn how to let her go in your mind. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 19, 2019 Share Posted August 19, 2019 Dispose of all her memorabilia. If you can't dump it then box it up and bury it under a pile of boxes. Move the furniture around in your rooms to help create a new environment. Put up some new pictures. Replace any furniture you cuddled on. Pick a bunch of new songs to learn. This is a good time to learn some Christmas carols for December. Want some new equipment? Start researching. Look into learning a new skill you can use at work. The idea is to reset your life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author PunishedEx Posted September 6, 2019 Author Share Posted September 6, 2019 Hey guys, not to bring this thread back from the dead but I'm unfortunately still just struggling back and fourth with how I'm feeling. I think my emotions have subsided quite a bit and I'm not as crazy bi-polar when it comes to how I'm feeling. But it's just settled on a "Man I wish I tried harder when we were together". I think I've identified a lot of the areas I was falling short and the reasons as to why I didn't make her happy. Most breakups neither party is faultless but after reflecting a lot I totally understand why she just wasn't happy in the relationship, largely due to my headspace and not making her feel desired. Even though I did love her I struggled heavily to show it due to stress and confidence issues. Therapy has helped me a lot to identify and work on these issues. Point of this post is: Is it terrible to plan to focus on myself, fix all the issues getting me down, sort out my studies and career, fix the issues on my end that caused her to become unhappy in the RS. And then, based on if she is single in a year, take a shot at reaching out and asking her on a date? Maybe in that time I'll cease to care. But right now I'm thinking that if we are both single around a year after the breakup, I'll just take a shot. Reach out to her and see how she is, and ask her if she'd be at all interested in going on a date. I'm sure (well hoping) by then my feelings will have subsided, but I just get the feeling she's gonna be the one that got away. I'm not really interested in dating anyone for the next while until I have my life sorted. But around next year when I'll have my studies finished and my career established, I'd like to think maybe enough time has passed that the awkwardness is over and she might entertain the idea of at the very least a date? Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted September 6, 2019 Share Posted September 6, 2019 ...Point of this post is: Is it terrible to plan to focus on myself, fix all the issues getting me down, sort out my studies and career, fix the issues on my end that caused her to become unhappy in the RS. And then, based on if she is single in a year, take a shot at reaching out and asking her on a date? Yes, it is. You can't go back, man, it's time to close that door and move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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