Broke no contact, now extremely paranoid and can't stop thinking of her **Updated**

[nolanola]

@PunishedEx, you know what else helps me sometimes? Because I've been NC for about 6 months now and it's been very up and down. The downs are getting better, but they still happen and sometimes they're really bad. When that happens, I think about my emotions and how I feel like waves. Sometimes I'm at the top of the wave, feeling good and strong. Sometimes I'm in the trough and feeling really low. But I always know that if I'm in the trough, I will come up on top of the wave again, I just have to wait. Usually if I either do nothing (just sit in the feelings or feel what I need to) or do something to boost my mood (talk to a friend, go for a run, watch a funny tv show that I love) I'll feel better shortly.

 

The other thing that helps me too is something that my Dad says: feelings aren't facts. Just because you have a really negative thought about yourself or how you feel - doesn't make it true or real. It's just how you feel in that moment. That helps me a lot when I start to go to a bad place.

 

Best to you. It's kind of a weird thing, but weighing in on other people's problems actually helps me feel better. I suspect others are the same.

[PunishedEx]

@nolanola

 

Ive noticed this too! (Although only very recently unfortunately). I've fonally started to open up to friends and family about my problems with college and my dad's health issue and I've noticed my feelings have subsided about the breakup quite a bit. But I'm still hit wihh those waves. I went to get dressed and I noticed my brothers phone today upstairs while he was downstairs. I ha that feeling again where I wanted to check her snap story through his profile (I still really hate doing that) but this time I didn't feel so helpless. It felt familiar, liked I'd been in this situation before and had made a mistake before. So I just walked past it. Didn't want to know (well I did but I know it'd be awful). So I walked past it. Seems like a silly small thing but was a big deal for me. It sucks I broke nc a few days back but now when I'm faced with the prospect of doing something dumb like updating myself on her life I feel like I've a bit more experience of what could go wrong if I give in. It's a shame that so many people here could of and absolutely have told me it would be a bad idea, but I really did have to live it to know.

 

One thing I noticed too is, I've been like this before with a girl. Well not exactly. Met a girl when I first started college and was insanely into her. Unfortunately for me she was like a 9/10 figure skater and I was basically going through every embarrassing phase you could imagine a teenager would be going through (even though I was 18-19).long story short we were very close friends but when she got a BF she just totally stopped talking to me. Really upset me, would think about her a lot for months. She crossed my mind yesterday and I only thought "Oh yeah she was really cool, shame we're not friends anymore". The infatuation was gone. And I know it'll be the same with my most recent ex,eventually.just gotta stay busy and everything will fade.

 

Just ride out them troughs!

[Redhead14]

No contact is not about punishment or pettiness, etc. No contact is a tool to promote mental and emotional healing and for both parties. It's a matter of maturity -- acceptance of a reality and then moving forward so that you can move forward with your life without distraction and triggers.

 

You do, however, need to allow yourself to grieve but do it in little bits. Give yourself a block time each day for a while, say half an hour, to sit with your feelings -- cry, scream, journal. At the end of that time you force yourself to stop and focus on something productive, something you enjoy, something you've been letting slide, etc. It also helps sometimes to redecorate your place. Move your furniture around, buy new curtains and accent pillows, change some pictures around, etc. Channel some energy to something positive. After a while you will find that you need less and less time for that block of time.

 

Try it. You have nothing to lose because what you've been doing isn't working.

[PunishedEx]

Right after the breakup in March I decided to return some of the gifts my ex gave me for Christmas. The gifts were antique newspapers from WW2 she got off her mam. I decided it would be unfair of me to hold onto them since they meant a lot to her mam so I sent them back to her mam with a little letter. It only arrived a few days ago. I had been in NC with her for a few weeks and was doing well but she called me when her mother received the newspapers. I was caught a bit off guard and we just chatted for a bit. Ended with her asking if we could hang out and play games again. Some friends said it sounded like she was looking to get back together.

 

Anyway long story short for a few days we were in this weird sort of talking and being friendly thing on Fb but I knew it was just messing me up. So today I decided to point blank message her saying something along the lines of "you're not looking to ever be romantically involved again right? I think it's too soon to be friends atm. Just confusing for me and we shouldn't be talking"

 

She replied "Yeah man sorry didn't mean to give you mixed signals. Think it would be a bad idea sparking things up again"

 

So I basically just said we needed to make it a clean break. If we ever gonna be friends, it's gonna be years in the future.

 

Really sucks. I know NC is all about moving on. But I was afraid if I went NC without messaging her I'd still have this idea that she might be missing me. I feel like it was the right call to send the message and just get the honest point blank "I don't want to reconcile" to remove that lingering hope. But as everyone that's broken NC knows it's set me back. Feel like I just went through the breakup again, but at least this time I'm doing NC without the false hope now.

 

Sounds lame but just feeling a little alone atm. Anyone able to reassure me I made the right call? Or advice on how to shake dwelling on it when I'm in bed at night?

I've taken up some hobbies and during the day I can fill my time and I'm alright, it's just in my downtime. When I'm in the shower or laying in bed I need to find ways to stop my mind defaulting back to thinking about the relationship, or what she's doing now etc.

 

Thanks guys <3

[d0nnivain]

You did the right thing all the way around. Returning the papers was very gracious of you due to their sentimental value. Being polite when she messaged was good but establishing your own boundaries was a wonderful form of self preservation. If her platonic presence in your life was hurting you, it had to stop

[emeraldgreen]

I hear you, man. Clean break is a tough call but its blessings are numerous.

[The Outlaw]

You did the right thing. It's better to know than not, because the thought of 'What if' is more than enough to set you back, when you should be moving forward.

[nolanola]

I know it hurts to be in the first phase, when you've cut off contact, but I 100% think you did the right thing. AND I think you handled yourself really well. You didn't call her names or say something mean. You walked away with your dignity and that will help you sleep better in the months to come. I know a lot of us wish we had done things differently in our breakups, when harsh things were said at the end. Take some solace that she will probably think of you positively as a result of the approach you took. And you got the answer you were looking for, even though it hurts a lot.

 

Walk away, let her live her life without you in it and focus on healing. It's not easy, but NC does get a bit better as you get some distance and time.

[fromheart]

You completely did the right thing. If she's giving you mixed signals, that's out of order. If you want her back, tell her to contact you if she feels the same, but your not interested in friendship at this point, because that's not what you want.

 

Then complete NC. No social media, not a thing. The quickest way to heal and move on.

[Fekenaws]

You did the right thing 100%. I messed up and only started doing what you just did just the other day, 8 months after the relationship ended. Your future is much brighter now by drawing a line in the sand like you did and telling her not to cross it. Breakups are rough, so why drag it out?

[PunishedEx]

Hey LS,

 

I was posting a bit back in March and April about my LDR that fell apart. Took me about 2 months to make myself WANT to feel better. Been improving my life in as many ways as possible. Gotten my licence, in a new and better job, back to working out regularly, reading books as opposed to wasting time playing games or watching YT, quit smoking.

Even though all of this is really good, and my confidence is much higher, it's had a strange effect.

 

I don't know the real reason that my ex wanted to breakup, and I accept I'll never know. But since I've started turning my life around and been feeling a whole lot more comfortable in my own skin it's in some ways made me want to reconcile even more. I've been around LS long enough that I know the general advice is to leave the past in the past, exes are exes for a reason, but now since I've turned things around in MY life at least, I can't help but regret and wish for a chance to be with her again in this new light.

 

I think the whole time I was with her I was dealing with some form of depression. It's only in the last month or two that I've actually felt like myself again, ever since I broke my leg about 3 years back and was forced to repeat college. I'm at the point where I don't think I'm waiting for her and put my life on hold. I am open to a relationship if the opportunity presents itself, but in truth when I ask myself what I'd want most, it's to be with her again now that I feel like I can be the real me.

 

It's only been about 3.5 months so of course I'm not fully recovered. If I heard she had gotten into a new relationship it would sting, but I don't think it would derail me anymore. I would just give it the full NC, it was nice knowing you, best of luck in the future treatment.

But, part of my newfound confidence has caused me to be less passive about stuff (And this is the part where LS regulars will start disliking this post, sorry guys), so I broke NC and asked if we could catch up. The chat was really nice, I filled her in on all the cool stuff I'd been up to, we reminisced a bit.

My honest read of the situation is I don't think she would be interested in reconciliation. On one side she said when she uses the cologne I left in her place it "gets to her", on the other hand there was mention of a "guy" that she was texting. Could be a friend, could be more.

 

Just want feedback. Is this a good approach if I wanted reconciliation to happen? Stories of it happening? Stories of it backfiring?

 

TL;DR:

Got dumped in LDR of 8 months about 3.5 months ago. Not sure why, she drifted. Turned my life around in some big ways, more confident, open to new relationships but still would prefer if I could get back together. Don't think I'd be devastated if it didn't happen. Started talking to her again and she'd be up to chatting, playing some games, catching up. If reconciliation is the goal, is this a good way to go about it? Exes may be exes for a reason, but I think my passivity and lack of confidence during the relationship was a big one that I've since changed. I know there are no true answers, everyone is different. I'd just like some feedback

[PunishedEx]

False alarm guys

Realized I thought I was in control and feeling awesome, then realized even though I felt good, I had dedicated (and wasted) a large chunk of my day thinking about my ex

 

Im not bummed out, or sad. But I realized that this could have been a slippery slope. Unfortunately some damage has been done. I did break NC, I don't think it has set me back too badly. I'm not upset or wallowing or even feeling bad. I told her we'd talk and catch up more and I hope she doesn't think I'm playing games with her. I won't be messaging her anymore, and if she does message me and want to chat I'll just politely tell her I can't or won't be able to.

Like I said I don't think she will, she's mostly indifferent to me I feel so I don't think it'll upset her.

It's more to explain to anyone reading this that might think I'm playing mind games. I'm not, I just sort of had a moment where I was convinced since I'm feeling so much better that I could get her back.

 

The road to recovery is a long and windy one I guess. I am glad I can catch myself a little sooner before I get too deep into trouble.

 

Side note, weirdly when I decided I was making a mistake opening up the communication with my ex and that I should stop I got a random text from a nice girl I met in a club last weekend. Seems like a sign

[Highndry]

She cheated on you and dumped you. What makes you think she wasn't serious about ending things, to the point where you wanted to contact her about getting back together?

 

Worse, why would you settle for such a low quality woman? What is going on with your self-respect and self-esteem where you'd think that's the best you can do?

[MINAKO]

Hello, sorry for my English. I am going to share my similar story except fast forward to the break up part. My long distance ex did the same, left out of the blue. He just "meet a girl" on a trip though he claimed it was nothing serious, though I am sure it's a part of it. It was still all out of no where. I know how you feel. It was in the middle of my exams and honestly, my heart cracked. I cried all day in bed, all night, and when I was in class, it took every ounce of strength to not break down. It was so bad, that during a break, I broke down at a coffee shop line up and the girl behind me had to ask what happened. It was brutal. Very extremely tough time. It felt like I was going to die. I know it sounds silly to some people, but when you truly believe you have found the one, it can be absolutely soul-crushing. I could not handle it... Even after I blocked him, I unblock him. I messaged him frantically again, begging for him and telling him how we are meant to be. I felt worthless, depressed, and as if I would never find anyone better. I know you have not done these particular things, but the experience and feelings is comparable.

 

You do not see it now, because you are blinded by good memories at the moment, but let me tell you, each time you beg for a person to come back, you are lowering your self respect. You do not deserve to cry oceans for someone who does not even care enough to give you a chance, especially someone who has the ability to break up so easily for no big reason. Deep in your heart, you know this person does not have feelings for you anymore, but it is very painful to accept. However, trust me, that you will heal from this.

 

Let me tell you what happen when I continued breaking the no contact rule over and over many time. I kept trying and one day, I ended up convincing my ex to get back with me. Finally happy, right? Yes, until the next year when he did this again for no real reason again, just vague excuses. I once again broke down, so much that I almost burst out crying at my salon appointment after mentioning the recent break up. But again, I crawled back to my ex, begging for him and trying hard to convince him that there is not anything better than us and that I loved him to pieces. We got together again and things were beautiful until, you guessed it, he left again half a year or so later. This time was different. A part of me had honestly died. I remember this so vividly. I said to myself, "not again, never again." I was so emotionally exhausted from the roller coaster of a battle between 'I am leaving this mess' vs. 'I miss them so much' (and I know you know what I mean). When things were good, they were perfect. When things were bad, it would cut life a knife.

 

Let me tell you. These types of characters, they never change. One day I finally realize I was worth more than to be treated like I can be ditched so easily. Think of the future. Do you really want to be with someone who just up and leaves you so easily? You know she is fine with all of this. Do you want to be with someone who can take off and be easily happy about that? If you marry them, and they ends up breaking things off? If they can leave you now with such lame excuses or even no real reason, after all this time, then what makes you think they will not do this again in the future? These types of relationships always have patterns and believe me, it gets worse each time. Just like when you break your NC rule, it gets worse and worse.

 

My main message to you is that I promise you, even as a stranger, that you will be perfectly okay if they never come back. In fact, you will be better off. But more importantly, time is the best healer, and a year from today these thoughts will not be on your mind. Even if she does come back somehow, her past actions can never be erased and you will always have in your mind that she can easily leave like it is nothing to her, just like before. Please do not spend the the youngest and best years of your life being miserable over someone like that. You have to open your eyes. And do not feel bad for someone who cannot maintain friendships, that is their decision. She also had the decision to stay and work on whatever problem she had in the relationship with you, but instead she picked to just end it. Even now, she has chosen to stand by her decision. It all comes down to choices. Her life, her behaviour, her actions, it is a choice.

 

I will copy and paste something I wrote in my private blog when I was going through what you're going through. It really helped me. I wrote, "seems like everything, every detail, is giving me anxiety and stressful pressure. From this day forward though, slowly, very slowly, but surely, I will start feeling ok again. and then eventually, I will feel whole again." Please remember that. As each tear, each day, each week that goes by, as painful as it is, you are getting closer and closer to healing and being yourself again. And as a side note, I did find someone better, much better actually. Back then I thought I never would, but it was indeed possible all along. You will meet the right person too, but please do not spend all your time and energy on someone that is capable of ruining your happiness for their own. Especially when you paid extra for more flights for her, and how she repay you once the trip was over? By leaving you. She clearly cares more about her own needs, and so should you. Good luck. And remember, speaking from all of my experience with this again and again, give it one year to fully be over her permanently. In the mean time, please learn to live for yourself again, and I mean that from my heart.

Edited July 6, 2019 by MINAKO

[PunishedEx]

My main message to you is that I promise you, even as a stranger, that you will be perfectly okay if they never come back. In fact, you will be better off. But more importantly, time is the best healer, and a year from today these thoughts will not be on your mind.

 

Hi MINAKO, thanks for the reply. You're so right. This is something I've known for some time but what's frustrating me and annoying me is that what I understand and want are in competition. I knew that we probably weren't meant to be. I knew that she wasn't right for me in the long run. But now that it's over I've done a lot of self assessing and improving and it's killing me knowing that if I were to do it all over again I think I could have made it amazing. I think in the end she had enough problems and faults that would have meant it wouldn't have worked out still. And that fact is some comfort.

 

It's just annoying when I'm sitting around with not much to do, I'm thinking about her. And I KNOW that she's not doing the same. She saw the end of the relationship coming months in advance so she already had a new group of friends, places to be, things to do set up. So she had something there to move on to. Unfortunately for me I was simply left with a hole in my life that I'm now trying to fill. Things are good for me, but it hurts knowing things are better for her. She doesn't sit around pining for me (I know this). She has other guys that she is with. I just hate that even knowing ALL this, what I dream for is to get back with her.

 

I'm sure time does heal. My life had been relatively boring before I met her. Then when I was with her I would travel to her country, like entering a new world for me. On my own, just me and her. Now it feels as if I'm just back in the mundanity of my old life. Worst part is I've idealized parts of her now after the relationship that make it harder to let go. I'm a LOT more serious about moving on now. I still don't want to, but I'm going to make myself.

[MINAKO]

I think in the end she had enough problems and faults that would have meant it wouldn't have worked out still. And that fact is some comfort.

 

Exactly. Deep down in your heart, I believe you know she did you wrong. Does not have anything to do with you being your best self or no while you dated. What she did, was wrong. How fast she moved, is not normal. Just a matter of time before you too openly feel that way and will not miss her.

 

Worst part is I've idealized parts of her now after the relationship that make it harder to let go. I'm a LOT more serious about moving on now. I still don't want to, but I'm going to make myself.

 

It is alright, you are not alone in this. Everybody, even myself, have romanticize the best parts of a hurtful relationship and tend to forget all the bad things that happened. The good thing is, you recognize that, and so slowly I am sure you will be able to truly see how the relationship really was, to the point where you will no longer crave it. Do your best to not idealize her, and do your best to not villainize yourself. And exactly. You do not want to move on, but you have to, because you can never start looking forward to your future if you spend all your time looking at the past.

[nolanola]

OP, You CAN be the person you were with her, but by yourself. She introduced you to a new world and that is fantastic, but there is nothing that says you can't travel by yourself and do those new things. Sometimes when I feel low, I think about trying to make myself into the best version of myself I can be. I won't lie, sometimes it's because I hope that my ex might see it and be impressed. But as more and more time goes by, I'm impressed by myself and the things that I have been able to do. Imagine how impressive you will be to the next woman you date when she finds out about the traveling you've been doing - you will have so much to talk about!

 

@minako, I wanted to say that I LOVED your post upthread about how you healed from your relationship. It made me feel a lot better too.

[PunishedEx]

I've posted a thread about my breakup. First romance. Long distance. Intense for the first 6 months and then she seemed to drift and lose interest in the final 2.we 'technically' made 8 months but she was clocked out for the final 2,im sure of this.

 

I had notice she had been way less interested after the new year (she dumped me in March). My recovery is going okay I guess. It still annoys me that during any downtime I'm still thinking about her. The fun times, the good. The end was a bit rough but nothing awful.

 

Recently I got overconfident, thought I was totally over it and broke NC. Had a nice talk with her, mentioned we should hang out ands play some games or something sometime. Soon realized my error when I noticed that she would never really try continue conversations. Would talk and reply but would never seek out a conversation. Noticed talking to me maybe just felt like an obligation. She doesn't hate or dislike me,but just doesn't have much interest in really communicating with me anymore.

Think that sucks more honestly. It's well known around here that indifference is the true opposite of love, not anger. Breaking NC (don't worry, learned my lesson for the last time now, never again) unfortunately made me see that she's at this stage, probably has been since before the breakup.

 

During our last weekend together we were patching up a big fight (two weeks later she pulled the trigger and broke up, told me she never really did get over the fight), and while I was apologising for the wrongs I had done (become jealous, overly paranoid, said somethings out of anger). After I apologized she said "It really annoys me that you don't think I have done anything wrong". Not sure what to think of this, the only explination I have been able to come up with for this is maybe she had been intentionally mistreating me and was annoyed that I was apologising instead of getting angry about it and breaking up with her, which is what she might have wanted.

 

I'm committed to moving on. I know it's the only path available now but I still really have to make the effort. Thoughts of her are still very intrusive. I always wake up thinking of her and if there's nothing in particular going on at any given moment its my default to think about her and the relationship. And I'm just hoping that so long as I resist checking up on her and reaching out it'll just start to stop. I'm not going to lie, even almost 4 months on I'm still secretly hoping she reaches out and asks to reconcile. I'm honest with the fact that I want this, but I'm also honest that I don't want to want it anymore.

 

Anyway, the point of the threads is. How do you stop wanting answers? In the fatal break of NC we talked just like old times. She was laughing, said how when she uses my cologne it 'gets to' her. Said she really misses coming over and spending time with me. How do I stop wanting answers? Im aware I'd never get an honest one anyway, and if I did it'd probably hurt. There are things I know I sucked at. I wasn't that awesome at turning her on, I was decent in bed but would never initiate. Which annoyed her. Sometimes I could be very passive about what we were going to do for the day, just let her make the call, which was usually just watch TV. There are more, and all these things could be reasons but I am really struggling with not knowing how someone can go from being so interested to barely even willing to have a conversation.

 

I've never experienced that. She used to get annoyed if I didn't reply to hher within 20 minutes of getting a message. Then around the breakup, after asking why I could never get a reply for days at a time, she literally told me "I only sort of message you now just to keep you happy".

So like I said, she achieved indifference before the breakup was even official. I don't know anyone that just flips their opinion of someone that extremely for no reason. So to me there must be something.

 

How do you deal with wanting to know the reasons so badly? I'm aware of a bunch of things I'd done that could have turned her off me. Nothing mean or abusive, just passivity, lack of initiative etc. But then I also don't want to just be blaming myself. She even said, after talking to her mam just before the breakup, that her mam said she doesn't think she's very good at relationships.

 

I know that none of it matters now. And getting the answers would either just hurt or bring up more questions. But that's something that has me stuck on letting go. What went wrong? What happened? Unanswered questions are the hardest thing to accept. Maybe someone on here could answer some of my questions. Was she immature? Afraid of commitment? I can't ever assume these things because it could just be me trying to blame her, and I don't want to think ill of her out of bitterness.

 

Edit: Sorry, I don't want to be giving the mods more work. I always feel like when I'm asking a question I need to give context to my situation and current thinking thinking so my posts just seem like rehashes of my breakup story.

 

TL;DR

Have not fully moved on but am trying. Still struggle to forget and accept the good times are gone. But more importantly, unanswered questions, the "Why? " she just lost interest so completely is making letting go hard. Not knowing is the most annoying and difficult thing to "just accept"

Edited July 10, 2019 by PunishedEx

[Reading_Josh]

I can feel your pain and I can relate myself to elements of what you say.

 

What I will say is that 5/6 months isn’t long-term generally, but it is usually the point where people start to look and evaluate the relationship, like a pit stop of sorts. The initial flame, the initial spark and raging hormones have subsided and we begin to think more long-term.

There's not much I can say to comfort you, but I will say that if she had any doubts and was starting to get fidgety after the initial months then it's probably best it was ended sooner rather than later, for your sake and her sake. As hard as it feels now, it would have felt a whole load harder if she’d strung you along over years.

 

There isn't always a specific reason as to why this happens, sometimes it's just a realisation that long-term you can't see how you are compatible as a couple. So don't lose confidence in yourself or beat yourself up, this was clearly a choice she made for her own reasons.

 

Sometimes whilst we are physically attracted to each other, the initial burst that gives us at the start can't last for ever. It sounds as if she's been decent about it and is clearly wary of hurting you or upsetting you - but I think you just need to accept that maybe you weren't compatible as a couple. And appreciate that she didn’t string you along any further.

 

In times like these, the best advice I can give is to be true to yourself. Focus on yourself, take care in yourself. As long as you feel good about yourself and you have a strong feeling of self-worth, the people we are compatible with will be drawn to us like magnets.

 

It's time to forget this one and move on - go out, socialise, be positive and look after yourself first and foremost - someone gave some great advise on here recently, don't do any of this for anyone else - just do it for you.

[Blanco]

Big picture, eight months isn't a long time, especially if it was long-distance. LDR are harder, but they can also be stretched out artificially because the physical time together is usually so sporadic that it's almost like a vacation. My point is, it's likely that if you two had been in the same area and seen each other more often, this relationship probably would've sputtered out even sooner.

 

I know it's hard because it's your first relationship. Subsequent relationships don't necessarily mean you won't have lingering questions after they end, but they can help create perspective that a relationship ending isn't always an indictment on who you are.

 

It's easy to drive yourself up the wall seeking answers for why something didn't work. And it's easy for someone to say, "You may never know, so don't let that keep you stuck." But it's true. You may never know. And it probably won't make a difference, either, because the end result of you two not being together is still the same. Often, when people who have been dumped seek answers from their ex, they're subconsciously looking for something they can fix in the hopes that it will bring the relationship back together.

[Flame Aura]

When I broke up with my ex, it wasn't the best circumstance and it left her with a lot of un answered questions. I tried to keep it NC for her benefit, so she could get over me/move on but she was unable to keep NC.

 

 

After about 6-8 months she called me again and this time I called her back as I knew we needed to have one more conversation. She asked a lot of questions about why everything happened how it did, and I tried to answer as honestly as possible, so she could finally have her closure. She off course was hoping we could still get back together. Was probably the hardest phone call I've ever had in my life, all the emotions came back and tears were flowing from us both. But it allowed her to have the closure she needed so she could move on.

 

 

I guess my point is, if you need the answers so you can move on, contact her and tell her you need to have one more conversation (no small talk, get straight to the point) so you can have your closure.

[PRW]

I've posted a thread about my breakup. First romance. Long distance. Intense for the first 6 months and then she seemed to drift and lose interest in the final 2.we 'technically' made 8 months but she was clocked out for the final 2,im sure of this.

This is so extremely common with anything long distance that you just have to expect it to happen then just be amazed if it doesn't. If you want to minimize it then just no LDRs,...period. This stuff already happens enough even if she lives across the street from you,...so LDR is almost asking for it.

Anyway, the point of the threads is. How do you stop wanting answers?

A lot of the answer is in how you started out. You have to go into it right from the beginning not expecting answers if it fails.

 

 

"How do you keep falling off your bike?,...you keep riding it till you get better at it".

 

The next step is to start dating again without expecting a "relationship". The goal is to enjoy the date and have a good time,...that is it,...nothing else,...no expectations. Stop thinking each one you meet is "The One".

"The One" is a myth.

 

Beyond that a lot comes down to understanding the sociology and psychology involved with men and women interacting together. That could of course can fill books,...and it does fill books. But learning how things work and what to expect keeps you from expecting things you can never have. You said this was a first romance,...so that means in this area you don't really know much or have much experience.

[PunishedEx]

Hey forum

 

Sorta curious, last few days haven't been bad per say, but I feel like I've regressed a bit

Basically been 4 months since breakup. No contact for a lot of it, one bad break about a week back. There's a post I made

Was feeling good and a bit cocky, called her, chatted, went against all the advice (like a dumbass)

 

Problem is the talk was really nice, sort of reminded me of how nice things used to be, she was friendly, we laughed, talked about the things we missed. Breaking the NC had a delayed onset reaction where I felt super good and confident that I "thought" I'd move on and we could just be nice again(naïve I know).

 

Then the effects of it happened about 3 days after. Started checking her social media, random stuff on her accounts. Read a review she wrote for a game and used the word "craic", Irish terminology she picked up when we were together.

 

Started reading way too much into things. She messaged me with just a random question the other day. I didn't ignore it but I just answered and left it at that.

 

Now I feel like I've lost a bunch of progress. I know it's my fault, breaking NC was really dumb.

 

What's the advice for when you're back just sorta thinking about your ex all day, the nice things, the hoping they'll message again.

 

Do I really have to wholesale block her never to speak again? It's still such a crazy challenge, especially after "making up" or reestablish ING communication. I don't want to hit her with the "Nevermind my bad don't talk to me again I think I still have feelings for you"

 

Is there any advice for what I can do myself?

Thought exercises? Something that doesn't involve her. I really doubt she'll ever hit me up herself and after the loss of progress I will not be reaching out myself, no matter how much better I'm feeling.

 

It's just the false hope that never truly went away is back now as strong as it was a few weeks after the breakup. How do you stop yourself from wanting something you know you can't have? I'm literally back to having conversations with her in my head, ways to explain how we were good together, plans to visit other countries, really bad stuff for my head.

And I know it's bad, I know it's destructive,its just like a default mode my mind settles on

Eugh

[Silver_star]

Until you completely let go of hope that there will be a reunion with her in the near future you won't be able to live life for YOU and be in the moment.

Take her out of the equation when it comes to your happiness. You can't let happiness in life be tied to anyone other than yourself.

You need to do things for yourself that are not about her, or getting her back. Things with family or friends, go plan a trip with a friend, get out of town, leave your phone at home.

 

There were good memories and you can't stop yourself from thinking of that from time to time, but there were reasons it fell apart and didnt work.

It takes two people to want it to work. Remember the ways it wasnt working and know that some people just come into your life for a reason or a season, and not a lifetime.

 

It would be best if you don't message her again, because you cannot be friends with her right now, you want more than that. 3 days after you spoke you felt miserable, and empty because you don't have the relationship you used to have. Remember that next time you go to pick up your phone to message her. If she texts YOU friendly chit chat and you can not muster up the strength to ignore it I would recommend just keeping it very short, and not picking up a friend banter dialogue, she will either fade off as well, or she will ask why your texts are short and dismissive. Admit that messaging with her was probably not the best idea right now, and that you wish her the best. You need to let her go. It's really over.

[Marc878]

You are hooked on a hopium addiction and can't let go. This is on you.

 

You don't fix your weakness you'll just have a longer stay in self imposed limbo.

 

You got advice but ignored it. Realistically no one can help you.

 

You'd have to fix yourself.