Would YOU leave your partner over this?

[whattodo23]

I think you're looking at the wrong person for answers.

It sounds to me like you're stuck on this because his answer doesn't make sense to you and so you think he lied to you.

 

I have asked him that and he said bc she didn't deserve to see him happy. I don't really know what that means. Again, why care?

 

I do NOT seem as a straight shooter at all. He's very much a people pleaser and I KNOW he'll say anything to appease me and to avoid these thoughts.

 

He's lied about things pertaining to her (little details I've asked about their Hangouts that I know I shouldn't have)

He said it was bc I obsess over it and it means nothing so he didn't want me to worry over nothing. But I told him to lie about it makes me worry even more. Since then he's claimed to be completely transparent no matter how I'll take it. But the lies have set me back even more.

Edited May 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Orokotikki]

I spend far too much time here and off hand, I can't think of any posts telling OPs to run and not be a second choice.<snip>

 

I read the thread assuming the posts encouraging her to leave him were written with an eye towards mercy on the guy.

 

Good luck OP, find that new therapist.

[whattodo23]

He didn't drag you into anything.You went willingly.

 

 

I know but it just seemed like he was in love with this girl. This was the first girl that's ever spent time with him one on one and made him feel wanted and accepted. At his age that's gotta be big.

 

How can he have been over it already?

 

Btw... For reference. They stopped hanging out/ talking 4 months before he and I started talking. Supposedly. But I think there still could've been some feelings there

Edited May 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whattodo23]

I read the thread assuming the posts encouraging her to leave him were written with an eye towards mercy on the guy.

 

Good luck OP, find that new therapist.

 

Ok that's not nice but it did make me chuckle lol

[smackie9]

OK my take on this...here's a guy that is a total procrastinator, low confidence, possible anxiety sufferer. It would explain him still living at home, only had one GF before the OP, and was slow at deleting past girl on social media. Guys a closet emotional creature..they hide it and often have trouble expressing themselves. So when he was put in the hot seat, he got anxious, and fumbled making the OP nervous. Sometimes guys are a little thick headed and things come out wrong getting themselves in trouble. This is all due to his development...he's immature in the relationship department...not a inconsiderate guy the OP is making him out to be. The poor guy tried hard, but it was like him running through a room of loaded mouse traps, everywhere he turn he was stepping on another one setting it off.

 

 

 

This relationship was not meant to be. He can't be with someone that is so insecure, and obsessive. I wonder if he slept with one eye open at night.

 

 

 

OP find a new therapist because this one is only telling you want you want to hear which enables your insecure tenancies. Makes me wonder if they are just doing this to keep you showing up to keep the reassurance that you so need to feed on. They are not doing you any favors. BTW If I was your therapist I would tell you to get off social media so you will stop monitoring/stalking people. It's a sickness. You need to learn to trust. If you can't trust, you can't have a normal happy relationship or friendship with anyone.

[Versacehottie]

Ok that's not nice but it did make me chuckle lol

 

It's accurate, unfortunately. Nice or not doesn't really come into play. You need some help (including decent professional help not someone who is feeding your mind loop). Coming here, we are giving you advice as we can. I like that list of questions you just had for yourself--which at least makes it seem that you recognize the direction in which you should point yourself to get better.

 

I hope you can see that every time someone has a comment that pertains to the FB/IG/that girl situation, you just want to dive deeper, analyze some more and have a whole new set of ruminating to go with. THAT is why your bf doesn't want to discuss with you and minimizes it--YOU have a never-ending pit of that. He knows, as we do, that you are not going to stop. In other words, no answer he ever gives you will suffice (much like it hasn't here either). As someone said, you do need cognitive behavior therapy. It's your mind-patterns going awry is what needs fixing, first. I can see why you would become indecisive about your bf (or school or whatever) when on some level your mind understands that it is being irrational. I hope you just put ONE simple item on your to-do list this week: find a new therapist. You don't need one that will discuss your boyfriend situation with you--you need one that will work on your thinking patterns with you. (potentially using the boyfriend scenarios occasionally as examples to work through but mainly keeping you focused on healthier self-esteem and thought patterns).

[whattodo23]

OK my take on this...here's a guy that is a total procrastinator, low confidence, possible anxiety sufferer. It would explain him still living at home, only had one GF before the OP, and was slow at deleting past girl on social media.

 

 

Yes, I feel like this advice is spot on and you've analyzed him quite well. He DOES suffer from anxiety and has told me that he feels like he's being interrogated or waterboarded so he retreats to blurting out whatever will get me off his back and you're right, in turn it makes me MORE nervous bc it leads to even more questions.

 

One thing I do wanna note though is that she wasn't his gf, they were friends since high school but this was there first time hanging out one on one as adults.

Edited May 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whattodo23]

It's accurate, unfortunately. Nice or not doesn't really come into play. You need some help (including decent professional help not someone who is feeding your mind loop). Coming here, we are giving you advice as we can. I like that list of questions you just had for yourself--which at least makes it seem that you recognize the direction in which you should point yourself to get better.

 

Yes this is very true. I have done CBT before and even some DBT. It was actually really effective but unfortunately, it was only a 6 month course.

 

I will devote more time to focusing on myself and my thought patterns. Specifically getting back into CBT or DBT as I have found them to be the most effective in the past.

 

Thank you for your advice

Edited May 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

It would hurt to feel like his second choice BUT I would be relieved that it makes sense in my head.

 

In other words, you would feel relieved because you would get reassurance for your irrational anxiety.

Edited May 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[smackie9]

Yes, I feel like this advice is spot on and you've analyzed him quite well. He DOES suffer from anxiety and has told me that he feels like he's being interrogated or waterboarded so he retreats to blurting out whatever will get me off his back and you're right, in turn it makes me MORE nervous bc it leads to even more questions.

 

One thing I do wanna note though is that she wasn't his gf, they were friends since high school but this was there first time hanging out one on one as adults.

In his eyes it was a date, but in her's just friends. So what if he likes her. You are very unrealistic to think you should be the one and only in his head space. Guys and people in general will think about someone other than their so, think about having sex with someone else, have feelings for someone else, have crushes on coworkers, fantasize about someone else while masturbating, dream about someone else, find someone else attractive, etc. It's perfectly normal human behavior. Whatever goes on in one's head is nobody's business. So to say you should be the only one he desires or thinks about...you are in fantasy land. No one is ever going to do that for you...ever. That's reality.

[whattodo23]

In other words, you would feel relieved because you would get reassurance for your irrational anxiety.

 

Yes!!

 

But bear in mind, I didn't know if it was irrational or not. Hence me coming here. But I see that it is. I've had some friends tell me it IS irrational and some that tell me it's NOT and agree that he should've deleted her BEFORE he and I got together and that I have every reason to be concerned.

 

It all goes back to not being able to discern rational from irrational thinking as stated in some of my previous posts.

 

I've just spent the last hour looking online for a new therapist. I've found a few that seem to be in network with my insurance. Tomorrow I'll begin the phone calls and hope I find something that helps.

 

Thank you for your help.

 

All of you. I'm glad I've found this forum.

[Versacehottie]

I'm impressed. You really took action for what is better for you. That's exciting. I hope & feel pretty sure that it will be the beginning of things getting much better for you.

 

Like you said CBT therapy worked well for you before so I think you are motivated and pointing yourself in the right direction!! Congratulations for doing something good for yourself today. I think if you can put as much time and attention to your progress and work with that as you have with this overthinking and ruminating, you are going to do very well

 

Hang in there. I would also say that with regard to one of your most recent posts on here is that (the one where you say some friends say xyz and others say abc) it's like your brain is searching for an exact perfect answer like there is a formula for getting things "right" in order to get the perfect or "right" outcome & then your mind goes into overdrive with all those possible variables and conflicting advice, treated as if something must be gospel and the "right" answer. I think once you start learning how to manage your thinking patterns and anxiety you may have in regards to all this thinking, you will hopefully get more comfortable with the idea that sometimes there is no perfect or black and white/yes-no answer. There is only the one answer you need to commit to for in a given moment in order to progress. Life happens in a lot of the grey zone, you know. Once you are more comfortable falling back on just yourself and knowing you will be able to handle things and that in given moments you make the best decision for yourself (and sometimes everyone makes mistakes). Once you feel better about yourself and your capabilities, the answers will be much clearer even if they are never perfect. Good luck. Let us know about the new therapist.

[BaileyB]

I really hope all goes well with the new therapist. It’s a good decision. Best wishes.

[whattodo23]

I'm impressed. You really took action for what is better for you. That's exciting. I hope & feel pretty sure that it will be the beginning of things getting much better for you.

 

Thank you so much! I'm excited too. I'll be honest, I found myself drifting back to negative thinking like "what if I don't like this therapist?" "What if there's no connection?" "Do I really wanna have to start over new and tell another complete stranger my whole life story?' - but I'm trying to focus on the positive and take it one step at a time.

 

That's part of the reason I got the names and numbers of more than one therapist so I can shop around and see what works best for me.

 

You are very right with the black and white thinking/looking for the perfect answer or what "makes sense." Funny enough, when looking for a therapist and reading through their synopses, I was especially drawn to one in particular that seems to specialize in my particular needs so I'm hoping he accepts my insurance.

 

Either way, I'm excited to start this new journey to better mental health.

 

Thank you so much for your help and kind words. It means so much to me.

Edited May 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whattodo23]

I really hope all goes well with the new therapist. It’s a good decision. Best wishes.

 

Thank you so much!

[olivetree]

I have asked him that and he said bc she didn't deserve to see him happy. I don't really know what that means. Again, why care?

 

Did you ask him what he meant by "she didn't deserve to see him happy"?

 

Sometimes anxiety in relationships is a combination of our own issues and our partner being the wrong match for us.

 

If he tells lies to keep from upsetting you, someone who doesn't trust easily, this is probably not a good match for you.

Add to that his failure to launch from the nest at 34, the fact that you seem to be dating him because you thought he was "safe" because of his virgin status.

Being safe has a lot more to do with trust in the present (honesty being a big part of that) rather than who he may or may not have had a crush on when he met you.

 

I hope that makes sense to you.

Edited May 14, 2019 by olivetree

[Versacehottie]

Thank you so much! I'm excited too. I'll be honest, I found myself drifting back to negative thinking like "what if I don't like this therapist?" "What if there's no connection?" "Do I really wanna have to start over new and tell another complete stranger my whole life story?' - but I'm trying to focus on the positive and take it one step at a time.

 

That's part of the reason I got the names and numbers of more than one therapist so I can shop around and see what works best for me.

 

You are very right with the black and white thinking/looking for the perfect answer or what "makes sense." Funny enough, when looking for a therapist and reading through their synopses, I was especially drawn to one in particular that seems to specialize in my particular needs so I'm hoping he accepts my insurance.

 

Either way, I'm excited to start this new journey to better mental health.

 

Thank you so much for your help and kind words. It means so much to me.

 

Love that you are going to focus on the positive and take it ONE step at a time. I think it's relatively normal that you have worries and a slew of new questions and debates in your head about picking a new therapist. Combined with the fact that it is a vulnerable thing and it matches with the overthinking you tend to do. I hope the one you feel most confident about takes your insurance etc and if what you need & want. I think one way to look at the positive and try to stop the black and white thing/all or nothing talk going on inside your head is to think that while you've learned some things from your current therapist, you would like another perspective so you have more tools to fall back on and another perspective. Basically it's your life--which you have every intention of maximizing

 

Feel confident that you handle whatever positives or negatives are thrown your way by trying out a new person. And try to stick with it even if you are a little uncomfortable. If you are sure that you don't like him/her, you found a list of people to try in less than 12 hours--you can do that again and try another new person. If you are just a little uncomfortable because you are scared, try to stick with it. One thing about weathering difficult or tough moments of ANY sort is that it strengthens your mental muscle of "oh I got this, I can handle anything". I think the stronger you get that part of your muscle/mind the easier EVERYTHING will be for you. The ruminating is what is getting you "stuck".

 

Try to think of this as less of "starting over" but BUILDING upon your current knowledge and shoring up your emotional fortitude. I think while the questions are normal enough for this situation just try to keep yourself in check by a) you don't need to tell your life story--you can be helped with current and relevant examples, no need to tell the whole life story, so cross that worry off the list. b) while it will be a complete stranger, your current therapist was at one point and you made it through that, you've been telling us and we are "complete strangers", therapists are trained to deal with this apprehension and after one time you will probably be over this part.

 

The most interesting & exciting part if you choose to look at it this way, is this is about YOU. I have a feeling the more you put attention onto yourself which subsequently should have you feeling more comfortable taking control of things over which you do have control and letting go of those which you do not. Good luck & let us know how it goes

[Normm]

Why the heck would you continue to fight over this a year later?

 

 

He ultimately blocked her, he sort of acknowledged as honestly as he was capable of, that he had some feelings and was rejected, there's no indication he cheated on you so what are you after at this point?

 

 

Clearly he isn't the one bring it up, so what happens exactly? After a nice dinner you suddenly say "let's talk about that other girl you partially blocked before you completely blocked her. What's the real story?" And you wait for some sort of revelation that he was truly in love with her and kept his true feelings from you and you will forever hold it against him until he confesses?

[whattodo23]

Did you ask him what he meant by "she didn't deserve to see him happy"

 

Yes I have. He just says that she wasn't a good person.

 

I understand everything else you're saying about anxiety in relationships. I can see that he and I are not a good match. I don't think he's a bad person just simply a case of incompatibility

[whattodo23]

so what happens exactly? After a nice dinner you suddenly say "let's talk about that other girl you partially blocked before you completely blocked her. What's the real story?" And you wait for some sort of revelation that he was truly in love with her and kept his true feelings from you and you will forever hold it against him until he confesses?

 

Sadly, that's how it was, yes. But I'm working on that now.

[whattodo23]

Love that you are going to focus on the positive and take it ONE step at a time. Good luck & let us know how it goes

 

Thank you for all of your help. I was able to get an appt with the therapist I was hoping for (he's covered under my insurance and I'm seeing him this Friday. I didn't think I would get an appt so soon but I'm glad I can finally go see a professional about this asap.

 

I will take your advice and just focus on the relevant issues I face today with some back story if he sees fit. He specializes in CBT AND DBT so I'm optimistic.

 

Again, thank you so much for everything

[Versacehottie]

Thank you for all of your help. I was able to get an appt with the therapist I was hoping for (he's covered under my insurance and I'm seeing him this Friday.

 

Wow, i'm really impressed. So many times on this forum, we see people who stay in the same situation, repeat the same mistakes over and over or don't take advice that is coming in as a landslide, or simply fail to TAKE ACTION. Taking action is EVERYTHING, in every part of your life, romantic, business, whichever. Even viewing the choice of letting something go is an action as you are the creator of your own life. If you continue to take this path (one of action, making your own choices), you're really on your way and things should start to fall in place. I don't mean they will be magically perfect, I mean that you will make the progress you hope, enjoy life more and weather storms better.

 

Try to look less at where you are outcome-wise, i.e. comparing what you "have", but that you are CAPABLE and enjoying your life more on a day to day moment. Typically this is the kind of stuff that snowballs into life getting better for you--internally, which is the most important, and externally, i.e. the outcomes/end goals will typically look more like you imagine. It will probably turn into a positive cycle for you/people who can do this: getting closer to your goals by your own volition, has you feeling better about yourself and your day to day, which in turn brings you closer to your goals and so on and so forth. Very happy for you!

Edited May 16, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator