Would YOU leave your partner over this?

[emeraldgreen]

If you didn't stalk his social media and regularly take stock of who he followed or unfollowed, and based the quality of your relationship solely on how he treats you, would any of this even matter? You don't own the thoughts in someone's head when you date them.

[whattodo23]

Wait....what? Over a year ago, he took 11 days to delete someone he once had a crush over. And you're completely fixated on it now?

 

She hasn't really, to be honest. She agrees with me that he should've deleted her BEFORE we got together regardless of the 11 days.

 

And yes, I'm currently in the market for a new therapist. Not that easy to find a good one.

Edited May 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whattodo23]

If you were ever planning to leave your partner over this, the time to do so was a year ago... what a waste of time and energy.

 

I know. I honestly should've left him then when I realized I couldn't handle it. But at the time I guess I thought I could. But it kept nipping away at me and the more questions I asked, the more details I got which lead to more of this obsessive thinking. I get the vicious cycle, I do.

 

It's kinda like knowing your house is in shambles but not having any idea how to repair it.

 

Then that gets jumbled with the intrusive thoughts of "but why DID he keep her around?" "DID he still have feelings for her?" - and while part of me can rationalize that in the grand scheme of things it really doesn't matter bc he's with ME now, those thoughts consume my mind and almost take on their own identity (not a split personality) but that's the best way I can explain it I guess.

Edited May 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whattodo23]

It was evident quite a few pages ago that the real issue here is the OP's low self esteem. She's already in counseling, which is a good first step, but I think the focus in those sessions needs to be on her and not some red herring problem.

 

I agree. But when I go and talk to my therapist about my relationship she agrees with me that he should've deleted her before we even got together so I walk away feeling confirmed in my thinking, like HE'S the problem.

 

And whenever we address MY personal issues and anything to do with ME, she just focuses on me going back to school. That's her biggest concern with me, back to school, back to school. On one hand I'm happy that she sees potential in me but on the other I'd rather take school of the table, at least for now or maybe forever, and focus on my mental help bc what good am I anywhere if I'm not emotionally stable?

 

It gets to the point that I don't even show up for sessions anymore bc I know 'going back to school' is going to be mentioned and I feel like I'm disappointing her.

[whattodo23]

If you didn't stalk his social media and regularly take stock of who he followed or unfollowed, and based the quality of your relationship solely on how he treats you, would any of this even matter? You don't own the thoughts in someone's head when you date them.

 

I know. Fair enough. I guess all I wanted was to be the focus of his attention from start to finish. To know that whatever feelings he had for her were dead and gone by the time he and I got together. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish just never had it

[emeraldgreen]

I know. Fair enough. I guess all I wanted was to be the focus of his attention from start to finish. To know that whatever feelings he had for her were dead and gone by the time he and I got together. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish just never had it

 

I get the temptation to keep track, but it does no one any good. I've been in his place and had to let an otherwise great but insecure girl go recently because she wouldn't stop making social media a conversation in our otherwise fine relationship. Issues can easily be created where they need not be.

[Veronica73]

Yeah, I hope you can find a better therapist. If she encouraged in anyway this weird obsession about the Facebook friend, I personally, don’t think she has been serving you well.

[whattodo23]

Yeah, I hope you can find a better therapist. If she encouraged in anyway this weird obsession about the Facebook friend, I personally, don’t think she has been serving you well.

 

I know. I agree. I haven't seen her in awhile. I just feel bad bc in other areas, she's great. Almost see her as a mother figure in some ways.

 

It's hard to find a therapist that I have a connection with.

[BaileyB]

I guess all I wanted was to be the focus of his attention from start to finish. To know that whatever feelings he had for her were dead and gone by the time he and I got together. I'm sorry if that sounds selfish just never had it

 

That may have been exactly the case though.

Edited May 13, 2019 by BaileyB

[whattodo23]

That may have been exactly the case though.

 

 

But how could it be if he intentionally kept her around? How could there NOT have been feelings there?

I'm seriously NOT trying to be a pain in the ass.

I get that the point ISN'T whether or not he did or didn't have feelings for her. I know it's my obsessive thinking. But maybe if I had reassurance (from an outside perspective) than I could let it go?

 

I don't know. I'm just lost I suppose

Edited May 13, 2019 by whattodo23
Typos

[Veronica73]

Honestly, I really, really, really don’t understand why you are making a big deal about the Facebook friend thing. I have people who are facebook friends who I haven’t communicated with individually for years. I don’t think I’ve even culled through my facebook friend list in over a year. Probably people have blocked me on Facebook and I haven’t even noticed. It’s meaningless. And outright blocking someone kind of makes it seem like the person is actually MORE important than someone you just put on a sort of “acquaintance” status. Actually blocking someone is actually pretty passive aggressive, and give’s them more importance than the average acquaintance who you just ignore. I mean, I think I’m a lot older than you... but... I think it seems really really bizarre and crazy that you are making such a big deal about this.

[Blanco]

But how could it be if he intentionally kept her around? How could there NOT have been feelings there?

I'm seriously NOT trying to be a pain in the ass.

I get that the point ISN'T whether or not he did or didn't have feelings for her. I know it's my obsessive thinking. But maybe if I had reassurance (from an outside perspective) than I could let it go?

 

I don't know. I'm just lost I suppose

 

At this point, I'm convinced you're just using the FB friend as a proxy for the more complicated, challenging issues you face.

 

You aren't comfortable with yourself and you weren't comfortable in this relationship, so to simplify those feelings, you've fixated on something that you think would change those feelings. You know that even if he had deleted this person before you started dating, you would've found something else to obsess over, because the real issue, your low self worth, is still there.

[Veronica73]

Or trust issues?

[whattodo23]

And outright blocking someone kind of makes it seem like the person is actually MORE important than someone you just put on a sort of “acquaintance” status. Actually blocking someone is actually pretty passive aggressive, and give’s them more importance than the average acquaintance who you just ignore.

 

Yes!!! I've had this thought as well. But he blocked her from Instagram first (before I even knew who she was and he didn't tell me) then when I DID find out who she was, he told me he removed her from Instagram but only LIMITED her on Facebook. Why block and remove from one but not the other? It'd be different if he kept her on both unblocked. I'd actually feel better. Like he had nothing to hide and she was a mere oversight. But to METICULOUSLY limit her on Facebook while we were together and before I even knew who she was just doesn't make sense to me

[whattodo23]

At this point, I'm convinced you're just using the FB friend as a proxy for the more complicated, challenging issues you face.

 

You aren't comfortable with yourself and you weren't comfortable in this relationship, so to simplify those feelings, you've fixated on something that you think would change those feelings. You know that even if he had deleted this person before you started dating, you would've found something else to obsess over, because the real issue, your low self worth, is still there.

 

Yes I agree that I do have issues with self worth and self sabotaging/obsessive thinking patterns.

 

If I didn't feel this way would I still be fixated on this issue? can't say obviously bc this is the brain I have.

 

I guess I just find it odd is all.

 

It's also hard when your biggest flaw is that you can't trust your own judgement and you have to go to other people (even strangers) to help you decipher moments of "is this wrong?" "Was that inappropriate?" "Is it valid to feel this way?" - at my age it sucks having no grip on my own discretion and feeling lost.

 

It makes it even harder when I read all the posts here and I get it, I'M the problem here. It's MY obsessive thinking. But then I read other threads with very similar situations and I see comments telling the OPs to run and never be anyone's second choice or fall back option. Even a situation where the guys gf had a crush on another guy but chose her current bf instead bc the crush didn't want her. I saw comments telling him to run, that he's just a fall back option. Then what's the difference here?

 

It kinda makes me lose credibility with the advice given here; and as someone that is struggling with deciphering my own thoughts/decision making, can't you see how that can be even MORE confusing?

 

I don't know. Maybe I'm just rambling. At the end of it all, I do appreciate everyone's advice here and never intended to annoy or offend anyone.

[basil67]

I spend far too much time here and off hand, I can't think of any posts telling OPs to run and not be a second choice. I mean, I'm sure there must be some, but they are hardly as ubiquitous as you're making out. Thing is though, every situation is different. Perhaps in those posts, the first choice on was still part of the scene....where as in your situation, your BF ditched her as a FB friend eons ago. It's all past history now.

 

The thing I think is most disturbing about this FB situation is that you continue to pick fights over it. The past can't be changed, so what do you hope to achieve by doing this? Serious question. Why do you do it?

[MaleIntuition]

This is all very dysfunctional. Retroactive Jealousy OCD huh?

 

You are confusing a lot of terminology. Every single person in the world will have had crushes throughout school and so forth, technically you will never be anyone’s true first choice at your age. It simply will not happen - and also it’s a stupid goal.

 

Most people simply don’t delete old romantic interests from social media just for the sake of it. Especially not high school friends...

 

How would you ever be able to date a grown up with a true romantic past unless you fix your issues? For example. Most people have been unwillingly dumped by people they at one point were in love with. How would you handle such a fact?

[BaileyB]

The thing I think is most disturbing about this FB situation is that you continue to pick fights over it. The past can't be changed, so what do you hope to achieve by doing this? Serious question. Why do you do it?

 

Exactly. Let’s say the responses is, “Yes, I had feelings for her and I was holding out hope for a while that she would want to date me. But, I’ve now decided that it isn’t going to happen and I’ve focused more on you...” Then what? You’ve gotten the answer you wanted - the answer you were most afraid to hear - so then what?

 

This is cognitive behavioural therapy - let’s say the worst case scenario happens, how does it feel and what would you do?

[Versacehottie]

OP, I know you want the answer to why he made some insignificant minute IG and FB choices over a year ago---the far more important and bigger question as basil said is why do you continue to pick fights over this issue? That is a far more damaging and significant and should be weighted as such, issue.

 

You sound like a nice person whose brain is going a little haywire. I don't think your therapist is helping at all--sounds actually counterproductive and borderline incompetent TBH. I think you should find a new one immediately. I know you said it's hard but if you could only hear how you sound making a lot of excuses for everything. If something this small is eating you up this much and taking up so much brain space,it's a priority. It sounds like you are at a crossroads about so many things and as you said, i don't see how you can go forward to make your life the best it can be without addressing it in a healthy way with the helpful professional. I'm glad if you've found this thread helpful in ANY way though actually it doesn't seem like much is getting through. At this pace, your life will pass you by without some calm and happiness that i know you can find if you address this swiftly and correctly. Good luck

[olivetree]

I think you're looking at the wrong person for answers.

It sounds to me like you're stuck on this because his answer doesn't make sense to you and so you think he lied to you.

 

So what has your bf said to you when you asked him "Why did you not want her to see you happy when you limited what she could see on FB?"

Have you ever actually asked this question?

 

I'm also going to guess that you do not trust his reasons for not wanting to move out either.

Perhaps you suspect that he is just not ready to move forward with you / believes in your relationship but can't come out and say it and so makes excuses.

 

Basically you do not trust him, and you are so focused on the small FB issue because it signifies your lack of trust in him.

 

Do you not see your bf as a straight shooter and that is something you want/need?

I'm not suggesting he is NOT honest btw, as it seems he is to me, but rather your perception of him.

[whattodo23]

The thing I think is most disturbing about this FB situation is that you continue to pick fights over it. The past can't be changed, so what do you hope to achieve by doing this? Serious question. Why do you do it?

 

 

I guess I do it bc in my mind it just doesn't make sense. It's like trying to jam a square peg into a circle hole and it's just not fitting bc his "version" of the truth doesn't make sense. In my head, if you are unfollowing people on Instagram and intentionally skip over a particular person and then limit that same particular person on Facebook that indicates there had to be SOME feelings there. And my fear is being second best/a fall back option

[whattodo23]

How would you ever be able to date a grown up with a true romantic past unless you fix your issues? For example. Most people have been unwillingly dumped by people they at one point were in love with. How would you handle such a fact?

 

Yes I understand and I get it. I would just hope that by the time they're dating me, they would have worked past those feelings. Otherwise, I think it's unfair to drag me into that

Edited May 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[whattodo23]

Exactly. Let’s say the responses is, “Yes, I had feelings for her and I was holding out hope for a while that she would want to date me.

 

It would hurt to feel like his second choice BUT I would be relieved that it makes sense in my head and I'd wonder why he denied it all this time

Edited May 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[olivetree]

I would just hope that by the time they're dating me, they would have worked past those feelings. Otherwise, I think it's unfair to drag me into that

 

He didn't drag you into anything.

You went willingly.

 

Plus, it really was nothing.

It was a crush on an old "friend".

It's not like he just got out of a long-term relationship and was still entangled with an ex.

Hell, people are often dating other people when they meet and he wasn't even doing THAT.

 

If you trusted him and believed in what you two have together, then this whole FB thing would be a non-issue.

[whattodo23]

OP, I know you want the answer to why he made some insignificant minute IG and FB choices over a year ago---the far more important and bigger question as basil said is why do you continue to pick fights over this issue?

 

I know it may not seem like it, but it is seeping in. My mind DOES go haywire and I'm just trying to cover all of my basis when I ask all these "what if this" scenarios.

 

I know it's annoying and I really don't intend for it to be. I just can't seem to shut my brain off at times. Most of the time lol... These thoughts pop in my head and it's a continuous downward spiral of "OMG, he still had feelings for her", "I'm not good enough" and so forth and so forth until I've exhausted, myself, him and probably all of you lol

 

On a serious note though, besides the obsessive thinking, which is my biggest problem, I also think my biggest problem is that I don't have the skills to sit back and say "ok, let's say he DID have feelings for her, so what? Is this ok? Is this normal? Is this something that I can deal with?" - and hence it piles up, I go to him, my friends and random forums online to determine whether or not this is "normal and acceptable" behavior when I wish I could do that all on my own.

 

One of the things that my therapist DID teach me though, she isn't all bad lol, is that I personalize everything. I make everything about ME. He kept her around for a bit so that means he didn't like ME, want ME or was into ME, is using ME.

 

I think another big factor is that I have trouble humanizing him, as he has told me. I guess with him having been a virgin at his age I saw it as he was "safe" and I had no real threat. But in turn that placed him on an unrealistic pedestal so if ever he should slightly deviate from that, it's Armageddon. And at this point, there's no way I can actually decipher a small human error from an actual offense. Everything becomes a catastrophe bc that's all I'm used to I suppose.

Edited May 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator