Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 While your boyfriend has his issues, what is most important is what you could realize and work on about yours since that is all you have control over. I find it really interesting and frankly not at all surprising that you don't get along with his mom/family. You are here nitpicking about one old crush and remaining FB friend when you have these much larger issues at hand. I'm going to take a wild guess that he is dragging his feet about moving in with you because seeing that you cannot move past and let this FB friend/old crush issue go, he's worried about what living with you would be like and what potential you guys have together for the future. Also he might believe that for him personally it is a bit too soon and he'd need to feel more sure--i mean his history bears out that he is not a fast mover! I going to guarantee a big part of the reason he does not feel sure about you is these shenanigans (all his work to make you happy doesn't work because you are focus on nonsense and not even a ex-gf from his previous life before you) and realizing that you are alienating him from his family and that there will be more of that to come if you two move in together. He knows at his age it would be hard to move back in with them if you two fail and there will be a large financial output to make this move. Right now, based on your behavior and your interaction as a couple, he thinks this is much more of a risk than without enough of a belief that it will succeed or that he will want to stay in it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) No he deleted her from Instagram about a week into our relationship. Then the issue of Facebook came up a couple of days after that and he deleted and blocked her since then. That's been over a year. So with all due respect, he kinda didn't know of my "crazy" and securities until AFTER she was done and blocked but by then I felt like the damage had been done. Oh i understand the timing of him doing his deleting. I'm merely pointing out that the guy is perceptive about you and how you are. Probably didn't take him but one date. I'm glad you are getting your thoughts out but why do i have a feeling that this is not about truly accepting what most/everyone is saying about letting this go on the FB friend. No one needs the whole story to know that. The whole story is actually your thought patterns about it as it appears nothing new has gone on with her since 2 weeks into you two dating which was over a year ago. And he's been reassuring you about it for over a year!!! It's not reality--it's just your head going haywire. It doesn't appear that getting your thoughts out is helping that issue really. You've had a year and it's a minor issue at best. You need to be providing him with assurance that you guys will make it as a couple if you want him to move in with you. I don't think his timeframe is unreasonable (regardless of who his "roommates" are now). You could have used the last year to inspire that this would be a stable and progressing relationship or cast doubt. Looks like you are choosing the later. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) Oh i understand the timing of him doing his deleting. I'm merely pointing out that the guy is perceptive about you and how you are. Probably didn't take him but one date. I understand completely and I agree. But I can almost guarantee that he didn't limit her bc of me and my reactions bc he had absolutely no idea. And this is a guy who had no experience with girls so he isn't exactly good at reading behavioral patterns. And as far as his mom, she's been like this before we met and any of these thoughts/questioning began. She had an outburst on his brothers gf just bc she haleft some things over her house. She raged and was ready to call the cops. My bf had to calm her down. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) I decided I didn't wanna be around her anymore bc every time has been like that. He's even admitted that he, his brother and father don't like going out with her when she's like that. But he expected me to subject myself to that in the name of "loving him" and "compromise" all bc he doesn't wanna feel awkward around the holidays. He tells me it's not as bad as I think it is and that I need to try harder. But I kinda feel like I'm at the age where I shouldn't have to appease his mom and I shouldn't have to put myself in a position of feeling berated and uncomfortable. Am I wrong for this? No, you shouldn’t have to be around someone who berates you and makes you feel uncomfortable. And he shouldn’t expect that or allow his mother to treat you that way. The fact that she stomps all over people and none of the men are able to stand up to her and tell her that this kind of behaviour is unacceptable tells you that there are no appropriate boundaries in this family. This kind of family dynamic is long standing = unlikely to change. And, this woman is older and this is her personality, which means she is unlikely to change... That said, she is his mother. Spending time with extended family is generally expected when you are in a relationship and he is a loyal son. Telling your boyfriend that you will not spend time with his family will cause significant stress in your relationship... which begs the question - are you compatible if his family is important to him and you feel uncomfortable with his family? Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) Another example of Facebook detective work. I wouldn't break up with someone over having a past, unrequited love. He doesn't love her, it's just an ego investment that he has made. When he said you made that disappear, that was a compliment, not an insult. You made him forget about that pain, forget about her in that way. Maybe he likes to rub it in on her a little bit. That's at most what it is. If I were him, I would be a bit annoyed that you were stalking my social media looking for clues that I am cheating. Oh, and I just saw the part about him living at home. What exactly attracted you to this guy? He doesn't have looks (doesn't care about hernia), money (no savings account), or status (lives at home). He hits none of your hypergamous filters. Is it because you thought since he's had zero experience with women, you wouldn't have to deal with your jealousy problems? If that's the reason, sounds like you're using him just as much as you are imagining he is using you. Edited May 12, 2019 by TheFinalWord Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 whattodo23, it seems to me you don't respect this man in any way but that you enjoy the things he does for you. Do you believe it's possible that there could be another man out there who will find you attractive, interesting and will love you? Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) I'm not sure if he'd deny it in front of her or not. He'd probably be flustered. But I think it's true bc he's been consistently telling me this for over a year now I know there's nothing going on now but honestly is it asking for too much to want to have been his one and only from beginning to end? I'm not taking away his past just don't wanna feel like a rebound or second best You want to be right, so be right. Just let him go so he can do whatever and you can find another guy who reads your mind and tells you what you want to hear. Simple enough, no? Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Right! And that makes me worry that he'll never tell me if he still has feelings for her or possibly still does So knowing this, why remain with him? What do you expect for him to do if he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't? Winning is that important to you that you'll destroy an otherwise good relationship over nothing but what the voices in your head are insisting is right? You need a therapist more than you need a boyfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Whattodo, you have said a few times that he keeps her around. But from what I can see, she's just a friend on FB. Unless he's madly messaging her in private, this hardly constitutes keeping someone around. Refusing to delete a FB friend doesn't mean romantic interest. However it does mean that he will refuse to be bullied into doing something he doesn't want to do. He's got backbone when he needs to. Him not wanting to move in because of how you and his mother interact makes sense. I can't see how it would work. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) Maybe he likes to rub it in on her a little bit. That's at most what it is. If I were him, I would be a bit annoyed that you were stalking my social media looking for clues that I am cheating. How could he like rubbing it in if he limited her on Facebook so she couldn't see that he was happy according to him? Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 whattodo23, it seems to me you don't respect this man in any way but that you enjoy the things he does for you. Do you believe it's possible that there could be another man out there who will find you attractive, interesting and will love you? Stranger things have happened lol Link to post Share on other sites
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 Whattodo, you have said a few times that he keeps her around. But from what I can see, she's just a friend on FB. Unless he's madly messaging her in private, this hardly constitutes keeping someone around. Refusing to delete a FB friend doesn't mean romantic interest. However it does mean that he will refuse to be bullied into doing something he doesn't want to do. He's got backbone when he needs to. Him not wanting to move in because of how you and his mother interact makes sense. I can't see how it would work. It wasn't about keeping her around. It was about limiting what she could see on his Facebook when he and I got together? What was he so worried about her possibly saying? Also it just struck me as off that he'd wanna keep around someone he constantly referred to as a leech and horrible person Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Whew,... this is some dog with a bone sh*t. Sorry, OP, you really need to learn how to let go. Will it make you feel better if we were to confirm that he let her stay as a friend on FB but limited what she could see because he doesn't want to lose HER and wants to keep his chances open with her? You see how irrational your thinking gets. Even when it makes much much much more sense that he doesn't want unnecessary drama with another person by deleting them from his life (even his virtual one) or that he is holding onto one of the last shreds of dignity he has by refusing to be controlled by you, you want to latch onto that actual thing and dissect it to death. Whole new meaning to hard-headed. This is a single minor event in the face of a year of great treatment by this guy. I doubt any guy would put up with this for long, it's a bottomless pit. If you say his mother is difficult, you do realize that by committing to a serious/live-in relationship with you, he is just trading one controlling woman for another in his life, right? You need the jealousy forum....and a new therapist who will not pander to this nonsense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Stranger things have happened lol whattodo, this may be the crux of your problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) Sorry, OP, you really need to learn how to let go. Will it make you feel better if we were to confirm that he let her stay as a friend on FB but limited what she could see because he doesn't want to lose HER and wants to keep his chances open with her? Then if he would rather avoid unnecessary drama from a "bad" person over making me happy then he's not worth it anyway Edited May 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Then if he would rather avoid unnecessary drama from a "bad" person over making me happy then he's not worth it anyway My point is entirely lost on you I'm afraid:sick: The loop in your head is broken & winning, not really but i digress But to address above ^^^^ so if that's your thinking and you actually BELIEVE that, it's YOU that is at a crossroads. It's been a year, he's not deleting her, guess he's not worth it. What are you going to do? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 It wasn't about keeping her around. It was about limiting what she could see on his Facebook when he and I got together? What was he so worried about her possibly saying? Also it just struck me as off that he'd wanna keep around someone he constantly referred to as a leech and horrible person Strikes me as odd that you can’t get over this, after all this time and all the good advice that has been given. You continue to restate your original position. Also strikes me as odd that you would keep this guy around when you have so many issues with him, his facebook friends, his mother... Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Then if he would rather avoid unnecessary drama from a "bad" person over making me happy then he's not worth it anyway None of this is worth it, to be honest, unless you're addicted to drama. You're 34 years old. I'd expect this intransigence from a teenager or 20-something, not someone in her mid 30's with some life experience behind her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 My point is entirely lost on you I'm afraid:sick: The loop in your head is broken & winning, not really but i digress But to address above ^^^^ so if that's your thinking and you actually BELIEVE that, it's YOU that is at a crossroads. It's been a year, he's not deleting her, guess he's not worth it. What are you going to do? He deleted her over a year ago. I've been saying this for awhile now. The whole point of the post is why he kept her around until he deleted/limited her which was about 11 days into our relationship. I was just wondering what it meant that he kept her around THEN not NOW Link to post Share on other sites
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 Strikes me as odd that you can’t get over this, after all this time and all the good advice that has been given. You continue to restate your original position. Also strikes me as odd that you would keep this guy around when you have so many issues with him, his facebook friends, his mother... Yes it has been awhile since she has been deleted and blocked but I keep finding out different bits and pieces of the story here and there and it just doesn't make sense to me. Like the limiting her part. I didn't know he did it bc he didn't want her to see that he was happy/possibly try to ruin it. Why hide your happiness from your "friend"? Seems weird. I keep him around bc it's something to do and he does treat me well in other areas. I'll just wait till someone better comes along Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) I keep him around bc it's something to do . I'll just wait till someone better comes along Would you want a man to keep you around just to mark time til someone better came along? This screams you can't stand to be alone, which is something you need to hash out with a therapist. Edited May 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) Nah, I broke up with him. I'm just gonna wait till something better comes along. Edited May 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Blanco Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 It was evident quite a few pages ago that the real issue here is the OP's low self esteem. She's already in counseling, which is a good first step, but I think the focus in those sessions needs to be on her and not some red herring problem. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 He deleted her over a year ago. I've been saying this for awhile now. The whole point of the post is why he kept her around until he deleted/limited her which was about 11 days into our relationship. I was just wondering what it meant that he kept her around THEN not NOW Wait....what? Over a year ago, he took 11 days to delete someone he once had a crush over. And you're completely fixated on it now? Whattodo, can you see that your current obsession over this is not only fruitless but downright destructive? What strategies has your therapist given you to over come this thought cycle? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 It was evident quite a few pages ago that the real issue here is the OP's low self esteem. She's already in counseling, which is a good first step, but I think the focus in those sessions needs to be on her and not some red herring problem. This. It’s obviously unhealthy to obsess over something someone did over a year ago. I hope you find what you need in therapy because there are other issues that are so much more important for your personal growth and emotional well-being. If you were ever planning to leave your partner over this, the time to do so was a year ago... what a waste of time and energy. Link to post Share on other sites
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