Blanco Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Your therapist is doing you no favors by feeding into your insecurities. Just break up with the guy. I think your real problem is that you don't respect his failure to launch, and that's totally understandable. This isn't going to work. 3
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) I was secure in the knowledge that he loved me. I’m also secure in the knowledge that if he wants another woman - he is welcome to it... We will be done, and my life will continue on.... Wow. I wish I had that strength. It would destroy me. Always has in the past. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote edited
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Your therapist is doing you no favors by feeding into your insecurities. Just break up with the guy. This isn't going to work. Totally. Besides - it doesn’t matter why he would stay in what could be considered an abusive relationship - that’s his problem to solve, not your OP. If your therapist didn’t tell you that, you need a new therapist. And, if you don’t like his choices, you have a different choice of your own to make... 1
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 ...But he still refuses to leave home. This is too much, you have got yourself involved with a child. Concentrate on the therapy and get your self a real adult man. 1
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 "If he wants another woman, he is welcome to it. We will be done and my life will continue on" Wow. I wish I had that strength. It would destroy me. Always has in the past. When you have lived life, suffered loss, watched your parent die in front of your eyes... you find that you have a certain strength and resiliency that you never knew you had when you were younger. I now know my worth, I know what I bring to a relationship, and I know what I expect in return... I know not to sweat the small stuff like “Facebook friends” and I know that creating problems where none exists is an absolute waste of time and emotional energy. He is in my life because he brings something special and I want him in my life. But if he doesn’t want to be in my life, I will be sad but it will not destroy me. My life is full in many ways and it will continue very happily without him... If I may, that is what you need to work on... rather than clinging to a relationship, fearful that he may leave at any given moment. 1
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 No, because it's not a rational request. It's not rational to expect my partner to be into ME and only ME? I'm honestly not trying to be a hard ass, I'm genuinely curious
Blanco Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 It's not rational to expect my partner to be into ME and only ME? I'm honestly not trying to be a hard ass, I'm genuinely curious Of course it's a rational request to ask that your partner be only into you, but that is not what you posted.
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 Maybe, possibly, potentially, perhaps, on Tuesday’s, when it’s raining, and he’s tired... You don’t know that he has feelings for this woman. This could all be a figment of your imagination... it more than likely is a figment of your imagination. Why are you sabotaging your relationship - do you want this relationship to fail? Would that ease your anxiety? What would happen if you continued to date this guy, you broke up, and... you lived through it? Would you still be ok? I would be ok eventually. But it would be hard at first. And honestly, I don't think it would be hard bc of losing HIM specifically. But for losing someone I got attached to if that makes sense
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) Well, that’s a different issue. That’s the real issue. How do you plan to have a long term relationship with this guy if he doesn’t intend to leave home - assuming that you have no plans to move in with his parents. I know. We've talked about it and he said he's trying. But before me he was just content to live at home for forever possibly. Or until his parents "left him the house" he said. I mean, I have seen some progress. He did get a better job, open a savings account, and got rid of the hernia. All bc I stayed on top of him about it. I don't know if he would've done it on his own. It's almost as if he was waiting to meet someone before his life started. But when I bring it up to him he tells me that he's trying and that it's hard to get his own place bc it's expensive. He lives in New Jersey and I'm in NYC so I know how expensive it is. When I first met his mom she told me how irresponsible he was. But I thought she was just saying that bc I'm his first gf and she was afraid of him leaving home. I don't really get along with her. That's a whole other issue there too that he doesn't see she again, I wonder if it's me. He tells me that when he mentions moving out she'll guilt trip him into staying with things like "oh it's so horrible living here" but then she tells me he's irresponsible and she wants him out. I don't get it Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 Of course it's a rational request to ask that your partner be only into you, but that is not what you posted. You don't think him INTENTIONALLY keeping her around indicates he still had feelings for her?
Blanco Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 OP, the problems run much deeper than this FB friend thing. Now that you've added details, I think the real issue is that you're dating a man-child who's been enabled by a mother who won't let go. Of course she doesn't like you. She clearly sees that in many ways, you're a replacement for her!
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Ok, so you have a guy who you wouldn’t be too disappointed to lose, his mother tells you he is irresponsible, he has yet to actually demonstrate the ability to support himself independently, has extended family that you do not like and have an unhealthy family dynamic... tell me again why this is a good relationship for you? Do you really want a life partner who you have to parent?
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 This is too much, you have got yourself involved with a child. Concentrate on the therapy and get your self a real adult man. I tell him this but he says he's trying. He's one of those people that thinks love conquers all. That regardless of his situation, I should stick by his side and love him like he does for me when I question him endlessly. On one hand I don't wanna leave him bc he does treat me SO well but we just got into an argument over it again a couple of days ago. We were looking at apartments together bc I thought we were ready to take that next step but he blindsided me with "I'm not ready to leave my family. I don't want them to think I'm abandoning them or choosing sides" - but I thought it was normal to move away from family and try to start your own. Especially at our age. But he says he doesn't think we're financially ready yet and he's worried about if one of us loses our jobs what would we do. Also, I try to be understanding bc I live with a roommate in NYC so it's not like I'm on my own either. But lately I've been feeling like I wanna live on my own. Unfortunately in NYC, I can't do I brought up us living together. At first he was on board but then the above conversation happened and it threw me off
Blanco Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) ...but I thought it was normal to move away from family and try to start your own. Especially at our age. But he says he doesn't think we're financially ready yet and he's worried about if one of us loses our jobs what would we do. He's about my age and I would rather jump off a building than move back home. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Ruby Slippers Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 OP, the problems run much deeper than this FB friend thing. Now that you've added details, I think the real issue is that you're dating a man-child who's been enabled by a mother who won't let go. Of course she doesn't like you. She clearly sees that in many ways, you're a replacement for her! Spot on. Do you want to get married? Have children? This guy is a terrible bet for either of those. Youth is a major asset for a woman, your time is ticking, and every day you spend dragging him along is another day lost. Men who makes good husbands and fathers are planning for it and working toward it all along. They show up in your life ready to make it happen. They're most definitely not 33, living with Mommy, and making endless excuses for why it's too "hard" to grow up and be a man. These days, with our degenerate culture and so many broken homes, there's an epidemic of mama's boys who will likely never make much of anything of themselves. Sad but true. 1
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 I tell him this but he says he's trying. He's one of those people that thinks love conquers all. That regardless of his situation, I should stick by his side and love him like he does for me. Regardless of what people like to believe, love is not unconditional. Healthy relationships have strong boundaries. He does not have any boundaries with his parents. He attempting to push your boundaries the same way his mother does to him - with guilt and emotional manipulation. The best relationships are those where two emotionally healthy, financially responsible, and independently self-diffident people come together to form a partnership. That’s not what you have here.
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 Ok, so you have a guy who you wouldn’t be too disappointed to lose, his mother tells you he is irresponsible, he has yet to actually demonstrate the ability to support himself independently, has extended family that you do not like and have an unhealthy family dynamic... tell me again why this is a good relationship for you? Do you really want a life partner who you have to parent? No I don't. But in some ways I feel like I can't get any better. Like yea maybe I could get a guy that lives on his own and pays his own bills but he may not treat me as well. He may not get me flowers for every MONTH that we've been together. He may not listen to me vent for hours on end, he may not be as patient with my constant questioning, he may not make me a sweet book telling me how much he loves me or send an email to a guy from a TV show I love asking that he send me a video telling me how much my bf loves me or asking my favorite musician to give me a birthday shout-out bc he knows how much it means to me. He may not order me food and have it delivered to my house bc he knows I'm hungry and broke lol, he may not make me an Easter basket filled with my favorite candy and makeup, he may not sing terribly to me in the car but do it anyway bc he knows it makes me laugh, he also may not leave his job which is over an hour away bc I need to go to the hospital, he may not spontaneously kiss my hand or forehead, buy me cards expressing his love for me. Spend hours making a memory box to be filled with little memontoes of our journey together. And lastly he may not spend the day rushing around to find a church to light a candle for my late brothers birthday (which also happens to be his mom's birthday and therefore took him away from time with her) ... So maybe I just think what he lacks in drive and independence he makes up in treating me so damn well. Maybe I came off cold hearted in this post. I'm hurt yes. It bothers me, yes. Him keeping her around and him not wanting to leave home just yet. But he's honestly the best man I've ever had. And what he lacks in ambition he certainly makes up for with his love for me. And he never takes a day off with showing me how much I mean to him. So can I let THAT go? Is there better than THAT? 1
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) Kindly, I would suggest that he is very good at making romantic gestures which clearly shows that he has a good heart and he is a kind human. When choosing a life partner and a father for your children, it is generally important to look past the romantic gestures for a man who is hardworking, dependable, reliable, and responsible enough to support both himself and his family. I have a good friend who dated a nice guy who could not afford to live independently, didn’t manage his money well or know how to budget, and depended on her to lead the way in so many ways... They dated for three years until she ended it only because, she did not want to parent him anymore. She had tried to motivate, encourage, teach him how to budget, and make him accountable for his decisions for three years... She ultimately decided that it would ruin her financially if they moved in together (as he wanted to happen, but there was a significant difference in assets, debts, and income). So sure, he is a good boyfriend in that he sends you flowers every month and emails a tv personality to tell you how much he loves you, but that won’t mean as much if you get him to move out of his parents home and you are bearing the burden of financially supporting your family, parenting your children, and having to parent your partner as well. Edited May 11, 2019 by BaileyB
OnlyHonesty Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) He also appears to love the bones of you, yet you seem determined to ruin it over some high school chum of his... I don't get it. You don't get it because you think that's what women really want. For the most part, it's not. Although the majority of them will say it is, as will the media and most other people. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
OnlyHonesty Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Yes he's been a great boyfriend. Very attentive and romantic. I don't know, I guess I just feel like I wish he would've gotten rid of her right away bc it makes me feel like he was still holding out hope for her. And maybe that's normal? But I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel like I'm not good enough This is the deal. If it wasn't this causing a problem, it would be something else. You are sabotaging this and will not stop until it's over. This makes me wonder about your past. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Loser mama's boys can be amazing at romance and sex, as they know they don't have much else to offer - and I speak from experience, as I wasted time with one in my 20s - but eventually, you will get completely fed up with his lack of maturity and responsibility. That's when you'll realize that you've wasted a lot of precious time in a relationship that's going nowhere. 1
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 That's when you'll realize that you've wasted a lot of precious time in a relationship that's going nowhere. That’s when you will realize what’s most important in a life partner.
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) When choosing a life partner and a father for your children, it is generally important to look past the romantic gestures for a man who is hardworking, dependable, reliable, and responsible enough to support both himself and his family. I understand what you're saying. I think if he and I lived together I wouldn't bare all of the financial responsibility. He does work and has maintained his job for over 8 years now. He's just switched to a much better position within the same union. He did that after we were together. So again, I do see progress. I just feel like he keeps making excuses. We looked at a couple of apts together in the city. The first one was nice and it was something we could both afford. But then he realized that the parking there was no existent and that getting too and from work wouldn't be feasible. Next place was too small, etc I don't think he'd leave me with all the financial burden. As it is now, he pays for everything. All of our dates and even when we're out and I see like a cute top or a pair of shoes I want, he'll step in and buy them for me. I tell him not to but he insists on it. His latest excuse now is that he doesn't wanna live together and have it be awkward if his family comes over for the holidays bc I don't get along with them. His mom especially. She drinks too much and is very brash. The last time I had dinner with his parents she kept insisting I try the calamari. I kept refusing (I'm vegetarian) but it went on and on and eventually she called me retarded. My bf said something to her but it definitely wasn't delivered with as much passion as I would have preferred. I felt humiliated. From then on I decided I didn't wanna be around her anymore bc every time has been like that. He's even admitted that he, his brother and father don't like going out with her when she's like that. But he expected me to subject myself to that in the name of "loving him" and "compromise" all bc he doesn't wanna feel awkward around the holidays. He tells me it's not as bad as I think it is and that I need to try harder. But I kinda feel like I'm at the age where I shouldn't have to appease his mom and I shouldn't have to put myself in a position of feeling berated and uncomfortable. Am I wrong for this? Bc he seems to think I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Versacehottie Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Bc don't I deserve all of that AND someone that doesn't keep around someone they possibly still have feelings for? Why should I settle for the sake of being "lucky"? Besides, he's not all THAT great. He still lives at home and has no plans of moving out This is kind of disgusting of you to think this and shows the depths of your insecurity and lengths you will go to satisfy it. If you don't think someone is that great, you don't date them--unless you have "issues". In your case, it sounds like you pick people who you believe are LESS THAN you and that should, in theory, be grateful for your presence. Coupled with the fact that he had never had a gf before you, you are now fully going in on the person you believe who can knock down your crown. I don't know what lengths you need to go to to believe in yourself---this is really ridiculous though. I would suggest (and i don't mean this in a mean way) that you need counseling. 99% of people have a past. If you really believe that she has this power over him or that he has settled for you (which to be fair, you are sure acting like it), then in effect, it is exactly as you believe. But not because of the past, but because of your current behavior. All I can say for the way you have a comeback for every rational thing people are saying to you is your boyfriend is quite the saint--even if he does live at home! Have you ever considered the fact that your own thinking patterns and beliefs about him, yourself and this situation drag you down and don't let you be the best you guys could both be? This is insufferable. I'm going to guess maybe he is not deleting her now because he is rebelling against your controlling manner and sure maybe he wants a backup person. He blocked her from making comments so he doesn't have to endure these crazy arguments from you--that is an obvious one! 1
Author whattodo23 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Posted May 12, 2019 (edited) 99% of people have a past. If you really believe that she has this power over him or that he has settled for you (which to be fair, you are sure acting like it), then in effect, it is exactly as you believe. But not because of the past, but because of your current behavior. All I can say for the way you have a comeback for every rational thing people are saying to you is your boyfriend is quite the saint--even if he does live at home! No he deleted her from Instagram about a week into our relationship. Then the issue of Facebook came up a couple of days after that and he deleted and blocked her since then. That's been over a year. So with all due respect, he kinda didn't know of my "crazy" and securities until AFTER she was done and blocked but by then I felt like the damage had been done. I'm not trying to belittle the guy. I'm just bringing up things that have bothered me about him. As other posters have uncovered here, the deeper issue is him living at home. I've defended him on it though and I don't believe living at home makes you a loser or anything. Especially if you're making steps to get out. But I just feel like he's making excuses and he's a little too comfortable at home. That's my concern. Don't misunderstand, I do think he's a nice guy and has great qualities but the living at home and keeping her around is what bothered me. But to clear things up, shes been deleted and blocked for over a year now. As far as having a comeback for every rational response here it is as I said to another poster earlier, I'm really not trying to come off like a hard ass or anything. I'm just getting all my thoughts, insecurities and any retorts that my mind may come up with later in response to someone's response. I wanna make sure I cover all my bases so that when these thoughts get the better of me I can attempt to quiet them WITH the rationale that a lot of the posters have written here. I hope that makes sense. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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