Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) t's a bit odd that you wanted him or he felt the need to delete IG models to appease you or as proof of his interest in you. But i'll tell you why he was easily able to do it: because he doesn't know them and his h.s. friend is a living, breathing person who he knows. Let it go. And stop stalking what he does on social media. I didn't ask him to delete the Instagram models. He did it before we even became official. He never told me he did it I just noticed his count went down and they were gone. But SHE was still there. He said he deleted the models bc he didn't want me to think I had to compare myself to them. But why leave her? Especially if there's still feelings there. If there's no feelings, it's fine. But why possibly put yourself in a position where you now finally gave a gf for the first time in your life, what you've always wanted and you're gonna keep around a girl that you deem as a horrible person. Just doesn't make sense to me Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) You're self-sabotaging here. Explore why that is. Thank you. I appreciate your advice. Some of my friends tell me the same thing. But then some others tell me that he's a scumbag and he should've deleted her. So I get torn. All I know is that it does bother me and since my advice IRL is split, I thought I'd come here Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) My problem is if those feelings existed while we were together. And even if they did, again I don't blame him. He's human. I just think the right thing to do is acknowledge you have feelings for this person, realize nothing will come of it and since you are now seeing someone else, get rid of that person and move on. Why keep them around? What makes you think that he has feelings for this woman? Sure, he had a crush on her once. But really, what if there is nothing to acknowledge - that he hasn’t already acknowledged. I am Facebook friends with my childhood crush. I’m Facebook friends with a guy I once dated. The guy who was my first boyfriend is now my niece’s hockey coach... lol. It doesn’t mean that I still have feelings for any of them. And my boyfriend could care less... You were his first - girlfriend, kiss, and lover... that means YOU hold a special place in his heart. Why do you not accept that and why do you insist that he has unrequited feelings for this other woman? Edited May 11, 2019 by BaileyB 1
Blanco Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 OP, it sounds like your boyfriend has shown no real indication that he's still into this woman. Be honest with yourself: Him saying, "OK, OK, I was still kind of into her when we started dating, but I'm past that," would not make you feel any better. 1
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Be honest with yourself: Him saying, "OK, OK, I was still kind of into her when we started dating, but I'm past that," would not make you feel any better. It would fuel the fire of insecurity... This may be a case of - be careful what you wish for... 1
Versacehottie Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) .....He said he deleted the models bc he didn't want me to think I had to compare myself to them. But why leave her? Especially if there's still feelings there. If there's no feelings, it's fine. But why possibly put yourself in a position where you now finally gave a gf for the first time in your life, what you've always wanted and you're gonna keep around a girl that you deem as a horrible person. Just doesn't make sense to me So there's one thing: your boyfriend also "gets" you and knows who he is dealing with and will take preventative measures. The question you should REALLY be asking yourself is not why he left this friend on IG or FB, but how much longer will he put up with this irrational and annoying stuff from you? You are giving too much weight (and somewhat undervaluing your boyfriend) to the fact that because he never had a gf before that he will always be the same person that you started off with. As he becomes more accustomed to being in a relationship and growing in being comfortable with what that brings etc, at some point he will evaluate the ACTUAL relationship with you or or feel that he can do better than this treatment from you. To be honest, if you can't let stuff like this go, I'd hope that for him. The scrutiny is unbearable and your way of behaving indicates a never ending pit of insecurity. People usually get fed up with feeding their partners insecurities--even if they've never had a gf before. You are not better than him because of this fact. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you need a wake up call before you lose what sounds like a great guy. P.s assuming you are here today because of another recent fight about this. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 What makes you think that he has feelings for this woman? Sure, he had a crush on her once. But really, what if there is nothing to acknowledge - that he hasn’t already acknowledged. I am Facebook friends with my childhood crush. I’m Facebook friends with a guy I once dated. The guy who was my first boyfriend is now my niece’s hockey coach... lol. It doesn’t mean that I still have feelings for any of them. And my boyfriend could care less... You were his first - girlfriend, kiss, and lover... that means YOU hold a special place in his heart. Why do you not accept that and why do you insist that he has unrequited feelings for this other woman? Bc if he didn't then why keep her around? Why go on Instagram and delete the models but not HER? Why go on Facebook and limit her so she couldn't according to him "she that he was happy" - doesn't that strike you as a bit odd? I mean if he were still friends with her on social media and DIDN'T delete the models and DIDN'T limit her then I could look at it as an oversight, maybe even a good sign as to he doesn't even remember she's there. But he DID remember she was there bc he had to see her on Instagram when he was deleting the models. But still he kept her. And he knew she was there when he limited her on Facebook but still he kept her. Doesn't that show that there were still feelings there? He not only intentionally kept her around but he made it so she couldn't comment anything "stupid on his page" again according to him. But I guess I just don't see the logic behind that. Bc if someone runs the risk of ruining your first and only relationship why not get rid of them? And if someone is as horrible as he says then again, why not just get rid of them? Doesn't add up
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 OP, it sounds like your boyfriend has shown no real indication that he's still into this woman. Be honest with yourself: Him saying, "OK, OK, I was still kind of into her when we started dating, but I'm past that," would not make you feel any better. It would bc then keeping her around would make sense. Then the square peg would fit into the circle hole in my head. Granted, I'd feel hurt that he knew he still had feelings for her and kept her around and would wonder why he would do that if he's now in a relationship. But I think I'd feel more relieved to put that missing puzzle piece to rest in my head
Blanco Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) Bc if he didn't then why keep her around? Why go on Instagram and delete the models but not HER? Why go on Facebook and limit her so she couldn't according to him "she that he was happy" - doesn't that strike you as a bit odd? Why does it really matter? You're manufacturing problems based on your own insecurities. You need to stop nurturing these thoughts about this issue, because again, this isn't really about that woman. It's about you. Have you been this insecure in your other relationships? Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 2
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Sounds like you need to split up. I see no other resolution to this as it appears you are fixated on this other woman. You have managed to bag yourself a bonafide male virgin aged 33. NO dates, no kissing no sex, no FWB or a wife or a mistress to come out of the woodwork, no threesomes, no caddish behaviour with "the ladies"...zero, nothing, nada to get your knickers in a twist over. He also appears to love the bones of you, yet you seem determined to ruin it over some high school chum of his... I don't get it. 4
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 It would fuel the fire of insecurity... This may be a case of - be careful what you wish for... Right! And that makes me worry that he'll never tell me if he still has feelings for her or possibly still does
Blanco Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 This guy sounds like he's done everything, much of it proactively, to calm the waters, and you still seem determined to find a problem. 2
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) The question you should REALLY be asking yourself is not why he left this friend on IG or FB, but how much longer will he put up with this irrational and annoying stuff from you? When he deleted the Instagram models he didn't really have a grasp of my personality or that it would bother me. He didn't even mention that he deleted them. It wasn't till the argument over dinner that I mentioned I noticed he deleted the models but not her. So I really think he did that without knowing me not instead from seeing other relationships. He's very close to his family so like his mom/dad, cousins, etc... Maybe he gathered from that that following them would be inappropriate. I don't know. As far as everything else, yea he does treat me really well but it's this and another issue that I have with him. But I do still worry about whether or not he still had feelings for her when he and I got together. It just doesn't seem fair to drag me into that. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 As far as everything else, yea he does treat me really well but it's this and another issue that I have with him. What other issue?
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 Why does it really matter? You're manufacturing problems based on your own insecurities. You need to stop nurturing these thoughts about this issue, because again, this isn't really about that woman. It's about you. Have you been this insecure in your other relationships? Yes I have. Apparently I have this thing called retroactive jealousy
elaine567 Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Ok, we get it now. Have you been in therapy for your retroactive jealousy?
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Bc if he didn't then why keep her around? Why go on Instagram and delete the models but not HER? Why go on Facebook and limit her so she couldn't according to him "she that he was happy" - doesn't that strike you as a bit odd? Who cares? It’s facebook!! The guys I had a crush on and dated on Facebook wish me happy birthday every year - according to your logic, that must mean that they still want me... When I met my boyfriend, he talked about his ex-wife’s irrational jealousy. They have been divorced for 6 years now and she STILL texts him talking about the girl she he dated before her... She would become angry and jealous whenever he talked about/saw any of his female coworkers... It was insane. After we started dating, we met one of his female coworkers in the mall. I was genuinely interested to meet her and very friendly... When we said goodbye, he said to me “You are ok with this?” I said, of course... Why would I not be? I teased him about the fact that I knew I had nothing to worry about, because I had met other coworker (a guy)... I mention this story because, he was actually anxious about my response to his female coworker and I could see his relief when he realized that I didn’t care... I was secure in the knowledge that he loved me. I’m also secure in the knowledge that if he wants another woman - he is welcome to it... We will be done, and my life will continue on... If this relationship fails, it will be because you let your irrational insecurities take control of your decision making. Again, sorry to be blunt, but nobody can live with someone who makes problems where they don’t exist, can’t let things go, and holds things over their head for years and years to come... Either let this go or end it. 1
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) Sounds like you need to split up. I see no other resolution to this as it appears you are fixated on this other woman....... Bc don't I deserve all of that AND someone that doesn't keep around someone they possibly still have feelings for? Why should I settle for the sake of being "lucky"? Besides, he's not all THAT great. He still lives at home and has no plans of moving out Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 This guy sounds like he's done everything, much of it proactively, to calm the waters, and you still seem determined to find a problem. But honestly how can you say he's done everything? Wouldn't that have consisted of getting rid of her in the beginning? Before I brought it up, I mean
Blanco Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) No, because it's not a rational request. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 Bc don't I deserve all of that AND someone that doesn't keep around someone they possibly still have feelings for? Maybe, possibly, potentially, perhaps, on Tuesday’s, when it’s raining, and he’s tired... You don’t know that he has feelings for this woman. This could all be a figment of your imagination... it more than likely is a figment of your imagination. Why are you sabotaging your relationship - do you want this relationship to fail? Would that ease your anxiety? What would happen if you continued to date this guy, you broke up, and... you lived through it? Would you still be ok? 1
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 What other issue? He has no plans of leaving home. Before me he didn't even have a savings account, was working a dead end job for 7 years and had a hernia protruding from his belly that he was content to live with. Now he has a savings account, got the hernia removed, takes better care of his health and has a better job. But he still refuses to leave home.
Author whattodo23 Posted May 11, 2019 Author Posted May 11, 2019 Ok, we get it now. Have you been in therapy for your retroactive jealousy? Yes. My therapist agrees that he should've deleted her. He's come with me to a session before and she tried analyzing why he put up with what she referred to as abusive behavior from this other woman. 1
BaileyB Posted May 11, 2019 Posted May 11, 2019 (edited) He has no plans of leaving home.... Well, that’s a different issue. That’s the real issue. How do you plan to have a long term relationship with this guy if he doesn’t intend to leave home - assuming that you have no plans to move in with his parents. You want to talk about what you deserve? You deserve a man who isn’t content to move from his mothers house to your house - with his mother doing his laundry and then you doing his laundry... All this talk about a Facebook friend seems pretty ridiculous compared to the fact that you are dating a man who has never demonstrated the ability to function as an adult in this world. Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
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