Would YOU leave your partner over this?

[whattodo23]

Hi, my boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. I'm his first gf ever. He's 33 and I'm 34. Before me he had never dated, kissed or had sex with anyone.

 

Here's the issue, before me he was hanging out with a high school friend of his for about a year off and on and started developing feelings for her. It really seemed like he was in love with this girl although he denies it. He liked her but she never liked him. She used him to take her out and pay for dinner and stuff.

 

Ok so he and I start talking and I notice maybe a month after us talking and after our first date he unfollows all the half naked models he was following on Instagram. BUT he is still following the high school friend and they were still friends on Facebook at this time as well. Btw...they weren't close in high school, never spoke, just saw each other in passing so I thought it was weird that he'd wanna keep her around.

 

After a few more dates, he asks me to be exclusive. I agree. Then about a week into our relationship I notice he unfollows the high school friend he liked on Instagram but they're still friends on Facebook. (I took note of all these things without mentioning that I even knew who this girl was or that I even noticed he deleted the models)

 

A couple of days pass and we're having dinner and talking and somehow the subject of the past comes up to which he made a comment about how something from his past stung and then he met me and it didn't sting anymore. I knew he was referring to this girl. I got pretty upset initially bc I felt like I was just being used to get over her. But he said that wasn't the case and that it was the sting of rejection yet again (that's all he's used to) and told me that he unfollowed her from Instagram and limited what she could see on his Facebook. I asked why he didn't just delete her from Facebook instead and be done with it if there were no more feelings. He said he doesn't know. Phasing people out is just his process of dealing with things. But he also said that he limited her so she couldn't see that he found someone and that he was happy. But why would he care? After that argument, he finally deleted and blocked her from Facebook as well but had it never come up, it might still have her around with lingering feelings.

 

So till this day, over a year later, we still have fights about this. Now some of my friends tell me to just let it go, it's the past but other friends say that it was very suspicious of him. I don't know. I hate feeling like I was just a rebound. Even though they technically weren't together I know he had feelings for her and since she was really the first girl that ever hung out with him and showed him attention, I was afraid he couldn't let that go and that threatened my relationship with him. And even though she's long gone now and blocked, it still bothers me.

 

What do you think?

 

Thanks in advance

[Blanco]

Eh, I can see how it might bother you, but I've been in his shoes where meeting someone new I was interested in helped me finally get over someone else. It was never that I used that person. More like, "Hey, I'm interested in this person and I'm suddenly not really thinking of the other person."

 

The fact that you're still bothered by this a year after he tried to appease you by deleting/blocking her from Facebook shows that this isn't really about him or his behavior. It's about you.

 

We cannot erase our past, and it sounds like this guy has tried to do what you've asked of him regarding this matter. He's pretty much a blank slate because of his total lack of dating/sexual experience prior to meeting you, so I'm really not sure what more you want. Would you like if he held over your head your previous relationships/sexual partners, even though you've shown you're committed to him? Probably not.

[GTR King]

I wouldn't leave my g.f over this...

 

He basically said he is tired of being rejected that's why he said it then blocked/deleted her to keep you happy...

 

He hasn't dated anyone before you..

 

We all have old partners/friends that's sometimes we still talk to...

 

So can you get over this? If not you need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel

[Blanco]

So can you get over this? If not you need to talk to your boyfriend and tell him how you feel

 

It sounds like she already does talk to him about it. I'm not sure what else her boyfriend can do. I say this with all due respect: It's not his responsibility to pander to her irrational insecurities. He's done what was asked of him by her and we're seeing now that it wasn't enough, because this isn't about the girl. It's about the OP's own insecurities that she needs to deal with.

[kendahke]

She used him to take her out and pay for dinner and stuff.

 

Which apparently he was very happy to do, otherwise he wouldn't have done it. She didn't make him do anything, so don't run her down for something he willingly participated in--it makes you look petty. Every human understands the meaning of the word "no" by 18 months and at any time, he could have told her "no", but he didn't so she didn't use him for anything.

 

What do you think?

 

Thanks in advance

You need to either let this mess go or bounce if it bothers you that much. IMO, this ain't the hill to die on.

 

I think you wrongfully went off on him for being vulnerable with you on how he felt his past experiences impacted him but here's the thing: he's not ever going to open up to you again and be vulnerable because you can't be trusted to not weaponize that information and fling it back in his teeth.

 

Since they were just friends who liked each other's company but not each other's physical intimacy and you were the first woman he'd ever had sex with or kissed, I"m not getting the over-the-top reaction about this girl. Has she been interfering in his relationship with you or something? Is he still chasing what will never be with her? You said he limited what she knew and she didn't know about the relationship then he deleted her to appease you, so ?????

 

I think your actions are way too extreme for the situation at hand a year after the fact. There comes a time when you either poop or get off the pot.

 

 

Bottom line; you reject something about him but are using this chick as the excuse when she's not.

Edited May 11, 2019 by kendahke

[whattodo23]

I appreciate the advice and no, I wouldn't like it if he held my past over my head. But I also didn't bring my past into our relationship.

 

I guess another thing that bothers me about it too is that he keeps insisting that he didn't have feelings for her anymore when he and I started talking. But I just find that SO hard to believe with all the evidence. Intentionally stepping over her and getting rid of the models but not HER, limiting her on Facebook but not DELETING her? Doesn't that indicate feelings?

 

So it's now become less about whether or not he still had feelings for her (I'm 99% sure he did) but it's the fact that he keeps denying it that bothers me bc it feels dishonest and it's annoying. It's like trying to make the pieces fit in my brain and it just doesn't make sense when he says he DIDN'T have feelings for her anymore either all the evidence that says he did. Does that make sense?

[whattodo23]

I only say she used him bc that's what HE, my bf has said. He's said she's done this with his best friend as well (they all went to high school together). He's referred to as a leech and a horrible person for things that she's done. But again, he still CHOSE to hang out with her. I've asked him why would he if he knew this about her but he says I'm being judgemental about it. I'm just genuinely curious why he would hang out with and consider dating someone he considers a "bad person"

[Ruby Slippers]

Given that you're his first girlfriend and he's 33, I'm sure he really doesn't want to screw this up.

 

He had a crush on her (and probably many other women) long before you came along, and though it sounds as if he's giving you his full attention now, those old attachments don't just die overnight.

 

I think you should try to let it go. He's trying to do the right things to move on from his old feelings for her and give you his full attention. You can't ask for much more than that.

[whattodo23]

Sorry new here so not sure how to reply directly. First reply was to Blanco and the other to Kend

 

Thanks

[kendahke]

I appreciate the advice and no, I wouldn't like it if he held my past over my head. But I also didn't bring my past into our relationship.

 

Did he know you don't want to talk about the past or is this news to him? I mean, at any time you could have changed the subject.

 

I guess another thing that bothers me about it too is that he keeps insisting that he didn't have feelings for her anymore when he and I started talking. But I just find that SO hard to believe with all the evidence. Intentionally stepping over her and getting rid of the models but not HER, limiting her on Facebook but not DELETING her? Doesn't that indicate feelings?

 

 

What evidence? You haven't written anything that shows he's carrying a torch for her. His action, from what you've chosen to write, doesn't indicate romantic/intimate feelings. It indicates the esteem anyone would feel for any friend they're in contact with.

 

 

So it's now become less about whether or not he still had feelings for her (I'm 99% sure he did) but it's the fact that he keeps denying it that bothers me bc it feels dishonest and it's annoying. It's like trying to make the pieces fit in my brain and it just doesn't make sense when he says he DIDN'T have feelings for her anymore either all the evidence that says he did. Does that make sense?

 

So you want to be right more than anything, even if you're wrong.

 

You can be right--and be alone.

[kendahke]

Sorry new here so not sure how to reply directly. First reply was to Blanco and the other to Kend

 

Thanks

 

 

Hit the quote button on the bottom right of the message panel.

[whattodo23]

So you want to be right more than anything, even if you're wrong. You can be right--and be alone.

 

Thank you for showing me how to reply.

I can understand wanting to keep an old high school friend around. Even if he had feelings for her, I don't think it's wrong. I guess I just don't understand why he would wanna keep someone around that according to him "used him and was a horrible person" UNLESS there's still feelings there. That's what I don't get

Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Honestly, this is much ado about nothing...

 

Why you are not content to enjoy your relationship, and continue to bring this up after a year is beyond me... Has he been a good boyfriend to you this past year? Does that factor in when you are making the decision whether to leave your partner a year after whatever perceived slight occurred?

 

Kendahke is right - do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

[kendahke]

Thank you for showing me how to reply.

I can understand wanting to keep an old high school friend around. Even if he had feelings for her, I don't think it's wrong. I guess I just don't understand why he would wanna keep someone around that according to him "used him and was a horrible person" UNLESS there's still feelings there. That's what I don't get

 

 

I'll bet if she was standing in the same room with you and him and you said "boyfriend says you're a horrible person and used guys to pay your way in the past", he'd blanch say he never said/meant that and didn't think/mean that.

 

It could be he said that in order to let you know that you had no competition whatsoever from his friendship with her. I seriously doubt he said that to give you something to gnaw on and weaponize for a year.

 

Those feelings aren't there because romantic feelings aren't there for him, no matter how badly you need them to be there in order to be right.

 

If those feelings were there, he'd be going missing for hours/days at a time, he'd have spaces of time he won't account for or he'd be hiding his phone/computer from you. Are any of those things happening? Because that's how people who are involved, romantically, with someone outside of their relationship act.

[greymatter]

OP, I would break up with YOU over this (were I him).

 

Let.it.go. Work on your confidence and stop stalking your partner.

[whattodo23]

I'll bet if she was standing in the same room with you and him and you said "boyfriend says you're a horrible person and used guys to pay your way in the past", he'd blanch say he never said/meant that and didn't think/mean that.

 

It could be he said that in order to let you know that you had no competition whatsoever from his friendship with her. I seriously doubt he said that to give you something to gnaw on and weaponize for a year.

 

Those feelings aren't there because romantic feelings aren't there for him, no matter how badly you need them to be there in order to be right.

 

If those feelings were there, he'd be going missing for hours/days at a time, he'd have spaces of time he won't account for or he'd be hiding his phone/computer from you. Are any of those things happening? Because that's how people who are involved, romantically, with someone outside of their relationship act.

 

I'm not sure if he'd deny it in front of her or not. He'd probably be flustered. But I think it's true bc he's been consistently telling me this for over a year now.

 

Not sure what you mean by those feelings aren't there bc romantic feelings aren't there for him? You mean towards her? Well I guess not but it's only bc SHE didn't want HIM. Not the other way around. I took it as he kept her limited on Facebook as a way to keep her on standby in case he and I didn't work out but in the process she couldn't say anything that would potentially ruin it. Why would he worry about that if there was nothing to worry about?

 

No, he doesn't go missing or hides his things. He'll leave his phone on the table most of the time when he goes to the bathroom.

 

I know there's nothing going on now but honestly is it asking for too much to want to have been his one and only from beginning to end? I'm not taking away his past just don't wanna feel like a rebound or second best

[whattodo23]

... Has he been a good boyfriend to you this past year? Does that factor in when you are making the decision whether to leave your partner a year after whatever perceived slight occurred?

 

Kendahke is right - do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

 

Yes he's been a great boyfriend. Very attentive and romantic. I don't know, I guess I just feel like I wish he would've gotten rid of her right away bc it makes me feel like he was still holding out hope for her. And maybe that's normal? But I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel like I'm not good enough

Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. Here’s the thing, the person who is making you feel not good enough is not him - it’s you.

 

If he’s been a good boyfriend to you - attentive, kind, loving, and romantic... he is demonstrating to you on a daily basis that he loves you and want to be with you. Believe him or not - it’s entirely your decision...

Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Flame Aura]

Yes he's been a great boyfriend. Very attentive and romantic.

Take it from someone who has had a girlfriend who acted very similar to you. If your relationship ends it will be because of you, not him.

 

You come across very insecure and as you say feeling of 'not good enough'. If you are not happy with yourself, you will not be happy with someone else.

 

You need to work on your confidence and start looking to the future instead of the past.

Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

Your insecurities are making more of this then there is.

 

I became reacquainted with my actual HS BF at our 25 year reunion. I actually started talking to him again because I had become separated from my husband somehow & when I found him, he was talking to my HS BF. They had no idea who the other was. Obviously my EX BF knew my husband was not one of our classmates because it was a small school & he new my husband was somebody's date / husband he just didn't know DH was my husband. Anyway they both made a joke about me having good taste in men. The two of them are buddies now.

 

Calm down. It's FB for pete's sake. It's more meaningless then you realize. If he starts spending more time with her now IRL you can get upset but it seems like he's moving away from her. Just let him do that as his pace.

[darkmoon]

Is it so hard to press delete and end it?

 

 

 

I think he likes needling you. My brother does this to his wife, likes getting a reaction, so he announces a skewed opinion, knowing she'll tell him off.

 

 

Ha! I would just quietly delete it myself if I were you. He is supposed to love you - not torture you.

[Versacehottie]

Wow, your guy is patient. I agree with whoever said they would break up with YOU over this. It was over a year ago. Your boyfriend expressed a nice sentiment to you (even if it was a bit clunky how he did it) and you took the negative and have never let it go. I can understand why he didn't delete her on FB: because he doesn't want to create unnecessary drama. It's a bit odd that you wanted him or he felt the need to delete IG models to appease you or as proof of his interest in you. But i'll tell you why he was easily able to do it: because he doesn't know them and his h.s. friend is a living, breathing person who he knows. Let it go. And stop stalking what he does on social media.

 

Is this what it's going to be like to be married to you??!??!? Yikes

[Blanco]

I know there's nothing going on now but honestly is it asking for too much to want to have been his one and only from beginning to end? I'm not taking away his past just don't wanna feel like a rebound or second best

 

But you have been his one and only.

 

Sorry, but even a dateless virgin is going to have had crushes in their lives if they make it into their twenties and thirties.

 

I'm trying to be fair here, because if this was a guy lamenting that he was not his girlfriend's one and only, people would be calling out how twisted that sounds.

 

I just don't get why it's OK for you to feel so hurt by this when your boyfriend hasn't used your past relationships and experiences (that actually happened!) against you. Don't you see how unfair that is of you?

[Blanco]

Here's the thing: This is all about you and your own insecurities. And because of that, I can promise you that even if you resolve this matter, failing to address and work on your own issues is going to lead to more episodes of jealousy and resentment on your part.

 

You're self-sabotaging here. Explore why that is.

[whattodo23]

......

I just don't get why it's OK for you to feel so hurt by this when your boyfriend hasn't used your past relationships and experiences (that actually happened!) against you. Don't you see how unfair that is of you?

 

No I totally get your point of view, I do. I don't expect him to not have ever liked or even loved anyone before me. My problem is if those feelings existed while we were together. And even if they did, again I don't blame him. He's human. I just think the right thing to do is acknowledge you have feelings for this person, realize nothing will come of it and since you are now seeing someone else, get rid of that person and move on. Why keep them around?

Edited May 12, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator