shydad Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it I have seen posts from both men and women who feel rejected and unloved when their partner ignores them sexually. This is a real problem which is serious. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Yes but nothing she is doing or more pertinently not doing, is actively destroying it. His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family. Hence why his family remains intact after 15 years of no sex. By filing for divorce, he would be actively splitting it apart. I disagree. She destroyed it by neglecting a major part of the marriage...sex...you know the part where children come from. She failed to water the garden so to speak and it took 15 yrs to die a slow death.... she neglected and destroyed the marriage first, not him. He did his best in keeping married peacefully in the best interest of the children until they were old enough to deal with a divorce. This is what happens when spouses put other things first in their lives besides their marriage. In this case it was the wife putting the children first...a guaranteed recipe for divorce. "His desire for sex is immaterial to the well being of the general family" is such an egregious statement it almost funny. I say good luck to any spouse in their marriage that believes that one. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 OP, make her watch this video: It's amazing and commendable that you are still there. She needs to know the enormity of the sacrifice you've made to stay with her and conserve your family despite receiving no sex. That is no mean feat and is indicative of an amazing capacity for love. I applaud you. But it's time. Tell her. Show her what an anomaly you are. She should be appreciating you in a time where people leave for far less. Give her the opportunity to appreciate YOU. And if she can't... then perhaps it is time for difficult decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 OP, are you sure your wife hasn't had sex in 15 years or just not sex with you in 15 years? For all we know his wife could have a lover on the side. Just because she hasn't had sex with her husband in 15 years does not mean she's lost her sex drive. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 OP, make her watch this video: The gist of the video is for the person not wanting sex is to "Just do it" for love and for the good of the marriage. The one "withholding", has to give in, in the hope that they somehow then enjoy it and all is hunky dory. But after 15 years of entrenched views and no doubt a lot of fighting about sex, then I doubt the wife here will be in any mood to "give in", that is the issue. Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 The gist of the video is for the person not wanting sex is to "Just do it" for love and for the good of the marriage. The one "withholding", has to give in, in the hope that they somehow then enjoy it and all is hunky dory. And this brings up a whole 'nother issue. Is it fair for either partner to operate this way? Is "faking it" (desire) fair to the one doing the faking AND to the partner who wants to be desired? What IS the answer if you believe in "for better or for worse?" Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I think there is the hope that the one "Just doing it", shifts their perception somewhat, in that they are doing it to make the other feel better and are providing "care" for the other, as opposed to thinking they are being bulldozed onto doing something they do not want to do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I'm sure that's true, but many people also really need to feel desired, like the other person can't keep their hands off them, and the actual feeling behind the act can't be fabricated and some become resentful simply for not being desired even if the physical act of sex is there. What's to be done in this situation? I guess a compromise. The high sex drive partner has to accept the act of sex as a "favor" of sorts, and the low sex drive partner has to be willing to "just do it." Pretty unsatisfying for both. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I suppose the real trick is compatibility. BUT I think in the heat of early passion, I think some over estimate the desire one has for the other. The high sex drive partner p;lunges forward and the low sex one complies, later the high sex drive person starts to get annoying, and the low sex drive person starts saying no... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 (edited) And this brings up a whole 'nother issue. Is it fair for either partner to operate this way? Is "faking it" (desire) fair to the one doing the faking AND to the partner who wants to be desired? What IS the answer if you believe in "for better or for worse?" Just dealing with a sex life that wasn't as satisfying as it used to be. How about when a partners health declines to the point where sex cannot happen..ie prostate cancer, uterine cancer, surgery, car accidents...etc? That is the "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". IMHO, when people get married, they sign a contract and swear and oath in front of God, family, and friends, and where I come from a sworn oath means a lot. This is why you are obligated to make the marriage work, and this includes sex. The OP and his wife should communicate more on this subject. For example, he should ask her what he needs to do to make him more desirable to her, and she should honestly answer and he should work towards that goal. If he or she doesn't want to take the half step towards each other, then that party has abandoned the marriage. Edited April 16, 2019 by standtall grammar 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Just dealing with a sex life that wasn't as satisfying as it used to be. How about when a partners health declines to the point where sex cannot happen..ie prostate cancer, uterine cancer, surgery, car accidents...etc? That is the "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". IMHO, when people get married, they sign a contract and swear and oath in front of God, family, and friends, and where I come from a sworn oath means a lot. This is why you are obligated to make the marriage work, and this includes sex. The OP and his wife should communicate more on this subject. For example, he should ask her what he needs to do to make him more desirable to her, and she should honestly answer and he should work towards that goal. If he or she doesn't want to take the half step towards each other, then that party has abandoned the marriage. What if one of them has just completely lost libido altogether? A man could get Viagra I suppose (but does that affect libido/desire?), but what's a woman supposed to do aside from dabble in expensive experimental supplements? "Tell me what you need from me so you desire me more" isn't always going to solve the problem. Maybe sometimes it would. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I suppose the real trick is compatibility. I'm not sure is 100% down to compatibility... to me it's more loss of attraction and little issues over the years that lead to a drop in desire. For example, myself and my wife have been highly compatible for 10 years. Slowly, sex has dwindled. I still wanted it a lot, she didn't. Now that we are separating, she keeps saying that we were not compatible. How come? We were very compatible. But she doesn't want to hurt me by saying she is not attracted to me anymore or even she is fallen out of love with me. Because, to me, this is the real reason. She cares about me, but she doesn't love me. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I'm not sure is 100% down to compatibility...... She cares about me, but she doesn't love me. I meant sexual compatibility actually. Maybe she cares for you and loves you but just doesn't want to have sex with you. Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 I meant sexual compatibility actually. That's what I meant too... we were sexual compatible and I believe we still are. It's always been great sex. It's a shame my wife had to resort to such a silly excuse to "dump" me... I don't really see how you can go from being highly compatible (sexually) to not compatible at all... can you "delete" sexual compatibility from your marriage? You can decide you don't want to have sex with somebody anymore, but don't tell me we were never compatible... If sexual compatibility existed in the first place, the reason is something else... Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 If sexual compatibility existed in the first place, the reason is something else... Affair? Loss of libido due to medication or age? Lost physical attraction to you? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Affair? Loss of libido due to medication or age? Lost physical attraction to you? I know the reasons... there's more than one. Empty nest syndrome, OCD, ADs, menopause, her upbringing AND sexual incompatibility... the last one is BS... she doesn't love me anymore, but she'll never admit that. She has no libido, but that's been going on for the last 15 years... she can have sex, she doesn't want to. Not anymore. Rather disappointing she is not telling me the real reason, but I can't make her tell me... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Empty nest syndrome, OCD, ADs, menopause, her upbringing AND sexual incompatibility... ADs - what is that? Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 ADs - what is that? Antidepressants... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
standtall Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 What if one of them has just completely lost libido altogether? A man could get Viagra I suppose (but does that affect libido/desire?), but what's a woman supposed to do aside from dabble in expensive experimental supplements? "Tell me what you need from me so you desire me more" isn't always going to solve the problem. Maybe sometimes it would. If the partner loses libido, basically it's tough s***. They have to do at least some other maintenance activities, muscle through it, or they risk losing their partner. Sorry to say, sex is a big part of the vast majority of marriages until the couple naturally ages out of it. Keep in mind were talking about human sexuality, so there are no absolutes. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Antidepressants... Thanks. Well, antidepressants are well known libido killers. Depression by itself can also kill libido. Link to post Share on other sites
norudder Posted April 16, 2019 Share Posted April 16, 2019 Thanks. Well, antidepressants are well known libido killers. Depression by itself can also kill libido. Also, while compatibility of *any* kind can be there in the beginning and be great for a long time, people grow, change, etc. and that can impact the initial compatibility. It's unfortunate if a spouse tries to rewrite history or say it was never there instead of acknowledge the change. Does it really matter in the end though? Whether she claims it was ever there or not, you know and define your own experience. Not that it changes current circumstances. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 But after 15 years of entrenched views and no doubt a lot of fighting about sex, then I doubt the wife here will be in any mood to "give in", that is the issue. Agreed. And the withholding partner justifies this because the spouse didn't take unilateral celibacy willingly, ultimately become resentful as the OP initially posted. The starved partner's "anger" becomes the focus, not the one-sided decision that led to the stand-off... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Well, antidepressants are well known libido killers. Depression by itself can also kill libido. Correct... you probably don't remember my thread... but the use of antidepressants is not due to depression but to a form of OCD that can be cured with CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). This was the bone of contention... she knew that her lack of libido due to the ADs was killing our intimate life and therefore she decided to try therapy. After a few months of stalling, she said she had changed her mind and that she wasn't going after all. That was it. After a massive meltdown, I resigned myself to seldom sex, totally on her terms. This lasted for 10 years. She has now decided it's time to retire sex altogether, quoting the reasons I gave you before. Was I right to get a bit upset at the time and even now? We are 55. I have accepted it, but it hurts to know that she wasn't even prepared to try therapy to save the marriage. Therefore, we are separating. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 What it really boils down to is that one person for whatever reason decides they do not want to have sex with the other. This is no blip, it is a permanent choice. I guess it is not usually a decision made lightly. Personally, I can imagine little is worse than to be "forced" or emotionally blackmailed or guilt tripped or threatened or "therapied" into having sex with a man I have no sexual interest in whatsoever. Nor would I want to have sex with a man who was only having sex with me due to obligation or to avoid my wrath... So, there are only two moral choices I see. Accept the sexless marriage, put up and shut up, stop the haranguing and pouting and get on with your life. No point in making everyone miserable. Sometimes you have to accept, life just isn't fair. or Accept the marriage for you is over, stand by the courage of your convictions and get a divorce. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 17, 2019 Share Posted April 17, 2019 Accept the marriage for you is over, stand by the courage of your convictions and get a divorce. Can I just point out that I didn't force anything on anybody? She recognised the problem and decided it was time to sort herself out for good. She changed her mind. Fair enough. I think I was entitled to be disappointed. Infrequent sex wasn't a problem, because we still had that connection. Without sex, I can't function because I desire my wife too much and it's torture. So, it's divorce. She knows this. She probably thinks all I'm interested in is sex, but then I would ask her to have an open marriage, not a divorce. She's already said I can get sex somewhere else. But I'm only interested in sex with my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
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