I was too tired to give him a BJ, now he’s mad?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

My bet is this is the first time you ever denied him anything sexual. It not about saying no, it is about rejecting him.

 

But if she can't say no without him perceiving it as a personal rejection, it's going to be a big problem. She can't be responsible for validating him.

[Noproblem]

You did it once, been in an abusive relationship.

You know the drill, the more you forgive and delude yourself that things will get better, the more they get worse.

 

Get out get out get out. Life is too short to deal with selfish entitled abusive children.

 

and no he does not want a passionate gf, he wants a totally submissive gf that say yes to his every whim and request!

[Lotsgoingon]

OP, coming here and posting ... is a great step towards your new life of avoiding abusive relationships. Your alarms were going off about bf's treatment ... and you paid attention to those alarms!

 

So you have a functioning abuse-alarm system ... and paid attention to the alarm ... Now you're going to continue and develop more ability to respond quicker and more in your own defense--in the moment .... in real time ... But that's the hardest step and you can stay out of bad relationships without having that skill.

 

Posting here is a great forward step. Congratulations.

[TheFinalWord]

And how exactly do you KNOW this? Are you the OP's boyfriend by any chance?

.

 

And how do you? Are you the OP's boyfriend? Surely, you're more rational than to use red herring fallacies.

 

Like everyone on these forums, we can only go by the extremely limited, one-sided information we are given. You can't reduce a 1-year relationship into a "yes/no" and remove all context.

 

Like I said, if OP wants to provide more information, we can better tell if this is salvageable. But if she just wants an echo chamber, then by all means, confirmation bias will work just fine.

[healing light]

Yeah, this guy would get the boot from me.

 

He's being very selfish.

[Gretchen12]

I would just LOL in his face. But you lack the confidence. You even started questioning yourself. Unfortunately a lot of people push boundaries and test the waters. Yes you can keep ending relationships every time the guy does something selfish. But realistically, you need to have confidence and be able to handle him. Don't even take him seriously when he behaves like this. You can flirt and make it funny. But don't give in. Then he'll know he can't get to you.

[Els]

And how do you? Are you the OP's boyfriend? Surely, you're more rational than to use red herring fallacies.

 

 

I'm not the one who has the audacity to claim that I KNOW something or other that wasn't written by the OP. If you make a statement like that, the burden of proof is on you, not on those who are pointing out the ludicrousness of your claim.

 

 

 

 

Like everyone on these forums, we can only go by the extremely limited, one-sided information we are given. You can't reduce a 1-year relationship into a "yes/no" and remove all context.

 

 

This caveat applies to literally every thread on this forum, including those where you yourself have given advice on. Going by your logic, nobody should be able to give advice to an opening post, no?

 

 

 

 

Like I said, if OP wants to provide more information, we can better tell if this is salvageable. But if she just wants an echo chamber, then by all means, confirmation bias will work just fine.

 

 

Asking for more information is not mutually exclusive with reaffirming that the OP's boyfriend's behavior was indisputably wrong, nor does it mean that anyone who says he is wrong is insisting that she must leave immediately.

 

 

 

If you truly feel so strongly that the context matters, perhaps you might want to give concrete examples of situations that don't directly contradict the OP's statements where his behavior would be excusable. Personally, I don't really care if he's been without sex for a year (which, btw, the OP has clearly said is not the case), it doesn't excuse throwing a tantrum when someone declines to give you unreciprocated oral after having already given it once the very same night.

[TheFinalWord]

I'm not the one who has the audacity to claim that I KNOW something or other that wasn't written by the OP.

 

I asked for more information. You are the one that attacked me with a long-winded diatribe that blew my statement way out of proportion.

 

I don't care about your ad hominems and goofy faces you insert to back up your iron clad logical arguments. I'll address OP if she's so inclined, not you.

Edited April 15, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Highndry]

She's been with the guy a year and the women are screaming "dump him" over this one transgression? Please.... Was it a douchey move? Yes. Should she just end the relationship without having an adult conversation? Of course not.

[Els]

I asked for more information. You are the one that attacked me with a long-winded diatribe that blew my statement way out of proportion.

 

 

Really? Why don't you grow a pair, stop trying to backpedal, and own up to what you ACTUALLY said:

 

 

After a year of dating, I know his response is based on more than him just being denied a blow job.

 

 

 

 

I don't care about your ad hominems and goofy faces you insert to back up your iron clad logical arguments. I'll address OP if she's so inclined, not you.

Normally I would just let things like your post slide, but in this case the OP is a previous victim of abuse and her boyfriend has already gaslighted her plenty, AND she is demonstrating signs of being vulnerable to that. Not going to let you blame the victim and gaslight her further without at least letting the OP see that someone disagrees with you, sorry. Her well-being matters more than your hurt feelings.

[Els]

She's been with the guy a year and the women are screaming "dump him" over this one transgression? Please.... Was it a douchey move? Yes. Should she just end the relationship without having an adult conversation? Of course not.

 

 

Way to gender this unnecessarily. You do realize that Lotsgoingon is a man, right?

 

Personally I don't know if she definitely needs to leave without a conversation, but she does need to understand that his behaviour was 100% wrong and inexcusable, and that she deserves better. "Better" could either involve requiring a change from him, or leaving. IMO, people are unlikely to change, so leaving has much higher odds of success. But it's up to her of course. If he does apologize and promise not to do again, it may be worth giving him another chance, but I'm not seeing any of that happening.

 

I'm not sure why "one year" is bandied around as a defense. Actually, one year is often the end of the honeymoon phase and it's where people start to show their true colors. You should pay MORE attention to behaviour like this after one year, not less.

Edited April 15, 2019 by Elswyth

[littleblackheart]

officially in a relationship since months ago.

 

Seems like a very new relationship still; too early for this kind of behaviour, imo.

 

was that wrong?

 

No, it wasn't wrong of you to decline (for whatever reason, actually).

 

I’m quite annoyed cause he made me almost feel very boring

 

How did you react to this? Did you explain how it made you feel? Has he at the very least apologised since?

[elaine567]

I'm not sure why "one year" is bandied around as a defense. Actually, one year is often the end of the honeymoon phase and it's where people start to show their true colors. You should pay MORE attention to behaviour like this after one year, not less.

 

At one year he also should be showing more love, respect and understanding for his gf, not demanding she comply to his selfish and unreasonable needs in the middle of the night, after a long day. She should not have to put up with his "annoyance" either... In the cold light of day an apology from him was in order, not a nasty dig.

 

Douchey and jerkish moves are exactly why many women will dump men. Something like this hurts and is humiliating and is not the action of a guy who is in love with her, so why would any woman want to put up with that. It is not something many will forget in a hurry either...

[Els]

At one year he also should be showing more love, respect and understanding for his gf, not demanding she comply to his selfish and unreasonable needs in the middle of the night, after a long day. She should not have to put up with his "annoyance" either... In the cold light of day an apology from him was in order, not a nasty dig.

 

 

Yes, exactly. It's not even a men vs women thing IMO. On the rare occasion that we have one-sided oral, i.e. H goes down on me and brings me to O despite not wanting anything for himself (if he had a foreskin injury or whiskey dick for instance)... my only response is gratitude. I just can't imagine falling asleep, then asking him to do it again A FEW HOURS later, then throwing a tantrum when he declines because he's too tired, AND then still bitching about it the next day!!

 

I mean, what?? That's not even just "one" transgression, that's like four in one, lol. At any step along the way, he could have said "Sorry, I was a dick", but he didn't. Not even after waking up the next day.

 

The only reasonable conclusion to reach is that he didn't think he was a dick... and that's really worrisome.

Edited April 15, 2019 by Elswyth

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I just can't imagine falling asleep, then asking him to do it again A FEW HOURS later, then throwing a tantrum when he declines because he's too tired, AND then still bitching about it the next day!!

 

Haha, right? All one has to do it imagine themselves doing something like this to realize just how ridiculously awful it is.

[Redhead14]

So, he can have a manipulative, guilt-trippy tantrum that lasts through the next day, and she's supposed to just overlook it because it's just ONE little infraction? One time SHE didn't feel like blowing him so he should get over it. His attitude is demeaning and insulting. She should kick him to the curb. Either he wants a girlfriend or a sexual slave.

 

One little "infraction" . . . pfft. What an F-ing load of immature, mysogynistic, entitled crap to use as an argument . . .

[Lorenza]

First of all - so disrespectful to disturb your partner's sleep. Being awoken a couple of hours after falling asleep is the worst, since it's the REM phase. That's why the OP felt so tired. Throwing a disgusting tantrum is another thing. Nothing is a bigger turn-off for me than a man who feels entitled to sex and acts like a bratty child when he doesn't get it on demand. And especially after sex has been regular so far. But it applies to both partners. It's equally bad when a woman pouts when her guy doesn't get it up on demand, guys aren't sex machines either and I don't believe one bit the posters on here who claim they can have sex anytime, everyday. Nice story, bro.

So yeah, that would be a dealbreaker. Oh, and the "I need a more passionate woman" comment. Already making it sound like he needs ANOTHER woman. That's not the way to deal with it. And if his sexual drive is so high he can't sleep even after having a session - well, there are special devices for those extra cases, when you feel like getting a second BJ at 3 am

[darkmoon]

imagine having a baby with him and him angry while you are doing the every 4 hour feed... date him if you must, but ...

[preraph]

She's been with the guy a year and the women are screaming "dump him" over this one transgression? Please.... Was it a douchey move? Yes. Should she just end the relationship without having an adult conversation? Of course not.

 

One douchy move is enough. Still means he's a douche.

[Highndry]

Way to gender this unnecessarily. You do realize that Lotsgoingon is a man, right?

 

Personally I don't know if she definitely needs to leave without a conversation, but she does need to understand that his behaviour was 100% wrong and inexcusable, and that she deserves better. "Better" could either involve requiring a change from him, or leaving. IMO, people are unlikely to change, so leaving has much higher odds of success. But it's up to her of course. If he does apologize and promise not to do again, it may be worth giving him another chance, but I'm not seeing any of that happening.

 

I'm not sure why "one year" is bandied around as a defense. Actually, one year is often the end of the honeymoon phase and it's where people start to show their true colors. You should pay MORE attention to behaviour like this after one year, not less.

 

 

Seems like you're angling for an argument, as I've seen you engage in with others. I think I'll pass.

 

 

One douchy move is enough. Still means he's a douche.

 

 

Yeah, because people are perfect and never make mistakes. Yawn....

[Redhead14]

There would be an adult conversation . . . "I'm sorry, Xname, but that behavior is an absolute deal breaker for me. I have Zero tolerance for arrogant men who expect me to have sex with them no matter what and that they think they are entitled to that and then proceed to have a 24 hour tantrum that includes demeaning statements. I wish you all the best in your future."

Edited April 15, 2019 by Redhead14

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I hope the OP comes back and fills us in on whether or not this guy apologized to her.

[oceanblue12]

Male Here

 

Number one, he should thank his lucky stars you gave him one at least ONCE.....LOL

 

Number two, he is trying to control you by making you feel guilty which is completely wrong.

 

I would be curious to know how many women are open to oral sex in the first place. I would bet that a majority are not.

[preraph]

Oceanblue, I think a majority of women today are open to it -- when they feel like doing something special for a man, but none of them should be open to being browbeaten into it.

[oceanblue12]

Definitely they should not be urged to do ANYTHING that are not comfortable with regardless of what that consists of. I have just not encountered many that are open to that at all.