Am I being overly sensitive or is my marriage in trouble?

[S2B]

Yet she didn’t tell you ahead of time she was meeting another man?

 

Noooooo, no explanation can help the fact that she didn’t offer you that info.

 

Serious lack of trust has been broken.

 

 

And you have no way of knowing for sure they haven’t been communicating by other means rather than mainly by email.

 

I don’t trust her.

[warwick]

Yet she didn’t tell you ahead of time she was meeting another man?

 

Noooooo, no explanation can help the fact that she didn’t offer you that info.

 

Serious lack of trust has been broken.

 

 

And you have no way of knowing for sure they haven’t been communicating by other means rather than mainly by email.

 

I don’t trust her.

You are correct. This is the crux of the issue and needs to be addressed and corrected going forward for me to regain any level of trust in the relationship.

 

And yes, there is no certainty that this relationship is accurately assessed by the emails alone, though I've looked at texts, and haven't found any between them, and do not "think" that she uses any other forms of communication products ... but there are many and she is relatively tech savvy. And some point you've got to deal with the information that you have and attempt to deal directly.

[Marc878]

Her actions have put you in a perplexing place.

 

While that put you where you are at this time. You are the only one that can keep yourself there.

 

While it is wise to contemplate how to deal effectively with it kicking the can down the road too long won't be in your best interests.

[warwick]

I raised this whole issue with my wife last night on a walk. She was very calm and listened. I was direct and honest about the whole thing, including reading her emails. She asked several questions.

 

She explained that she didn't think too much of the meeting at the time. She was mainly interested in learning about what led to his termination and what he was doing now -- from a business networking perspective. She also pointed out that she didn't know that he was going through a divorce until she got together with him in a brief meeting of 45 min on her way to picking up our daughter from a friend's place. She said that they discussed work and business for 15 min or so and then he started talking about his personal life and wanting to date a young woman with no kids and an avid athlete --- the perfect woman. This put her off.

 

She said that nothing came of the meeting and there was no follow-up until earlier this year when he reached out to her again asking to get together. She said that she waited a long time before responding and asked what he was doing, curious to know whether he had landed at a new company where he might be of help to her. He didn't reply on this point and she simply didn't respond further and she pushed him off when he followed up again.

 

We discussed how this whole event became something bigger and reflected on the challenges we were dealing with last year. I listened to everything she said and believe she is being honest with me. We also discussed how marriage counseling could help with our communications and agreed to pursue it.

 

I feel good about where it got to even if it's a little anti-climatic based on what the various scenarios that could have played out.

 

Thanks for everyone's help on this. It's a great forum and was very helpful.

[BaileyB]

I’m glad that you talked, and everything has worked out. I’m really impressed with how you have both handled the situation. I certainly hope that what she told you was the truth... if nothing else, it will help you to clarify expectations and boundaries for future reference...

 

You have no reason not to believe her, but I would be watchful and continue with your plan for marriage counselling. I wish you all the best.

[emeraldgreen]

Well-handled, and good call on doing it during a walk too. It would have kept your heads clear and also avoided body language that could have given off vibes of offence and defence.

[warwick]

I came away from our talk feeling much better about our relationship and ability to handle things like this.

 

I make the point of saying, next time let me know before you decide to meet with a divorced guy. She acknowledged this and simply pointed out that she didn't know that he was going through a divorce until she met with him. He was married when they worked together and was terminated by their company. She then told me about the meeting and mentioned that he was divorced or going through a divorce. Which, upon reflection, I realized was the case.

 

She asked me about reading her emails but seemed to understand, given the circumstances.

 

Overall, she was very cool about the whole thing and seemed to understand that I only did it because I was concerned and really care about us. I even told her about using an online forum for feedback on the matter and she asked if I was going to update everyone about the outcome.

 

She might have been a little amused by the whole thing. I'm relieved that it's off my shoulders. Trust is key. You can't know everything. People need a little space. I learned a lot from the whole event.

 

Thanks for everyone's help. I look forward to helping others on this forum and am glad not put so much energy into this any longer ... or until the next issue, should and when it arises.

[Mr. Lucky]

Glad it turned out well. There can be a little bit of marital McCarthyism on this site, some posters see an OM lurking under every bed. Good thing you had the open lines of communication, not every couple does...

 

Mr. Lucky

[warwick]

I get it. For every potential OM in a relationship there's a OW lurking in the shadows It comes with the territory of managing these long term relationships I guess.

 

It wasn't lost on me that when I told my wife at the beginning of our walk that I had something that I wanted to talk to her about, one of her first questions was, "did you have an affair?". WOW!

 

We clearly need have some active communication to do.

[warwick]

My wife and I are doing much better, but I would really like to take things to the next level, above what we established as the status quo over the years as we've been through some hard times - including both financial and health issues. Fortunately we are in a much better place now. Looking back, I believe our marriage was on the verge of being over and I want to take the steps to raise the bar.

 

My goal is to commit to focusing more on the things that make my wife feel loved and appreciated by having regularly scheduled dates, planning romantic get-aways and getting our actual house in order -- all of which we are making good progress with. We took a trip to Napa last month for her birthday and are planning to go to Europe with the kids next summer to visit our friends who are in the process of moving to London.

 

Any additional ideas would be appreciated.

 

With this said, I recently upgraded our wireless plan to unlimited due to our kids consuming too much data. When I was going through our plan I noticed several texts on my wife's phone at night to a number that I didn't recognize. When I googled it I learned that it is the number for a guy that is a coworker from a company she worked at 4 years ago. They were always good friends, so I don't think too much of it. When I checked the text/call records I found several more text messages from over a year ago, but there were a lot more, including a group of 12 messages that took place after 12:30am one morning. This definitely caught my eye.

 

This is a guy that she worked with closely in a pretty intense situation. They seemed to have each other's back during this period, which included some business travel, including int'l I never suspected anything, but did watch it. My concern is that their relationship may have become a more emotional relationship when we were going through our tough period a year+ ago.

 

My question is, does this even matter now? I tend to think I should just focus on the future and our efforts to build a better relationship, though I'm tempted to take a look at last week's exchange that took place when my wife was on the east coast with our kids for a trip to visit family.

 

Any thoughts or feedback appreciated ....THX.

[Poutrew]

Now we get to the heart of things... Seriously, I get the vibe that your wife isn't physically cheating on you, but she likes to dabble in sketchy behaviors. I think she gets her excitement from forming these clandestine relationships, but she knows where her bread is being buttered, and she probably feels that she can keep control over things. You are being kept out of the loop because that is what makes it so exciting - that no matter what, you are going to be there to give her a soft landing. If I'm right, then the reason she was so calm the first time you confronted her was because she had already gone over things in her mind and had formed a plan to mollify you and keep things stable for her. She stuck to the script. It worked. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do that will improve things. Being nice to her is just going to embolden her. Confronting her will just get you more of what she gave you the first time around. All you can do is to keep a watchful eye out for discrepant events, and be prepared to act on a plan you have formulated which she has no control over, and to save your relationship, you must be prepared to loose it... sorry I don't have anything more positive for you. Good luck.

Edited July 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[warwick]

Exactly. Unfortunately I think your assessment is an accurate one. I'm not trying to kid myself here. There's clearly a problem here. I'm just trying to balance myself a little bit so I stay reasonably positive and don't fly off the handle to give us the best chance to consider potential solutions. This doesn't mean that I won't ultimately fly off the handle or come to the decision that the marriage is too broken to save.

 

It looks like there was a year there where they weren't texting, but who knows what else was going on.

 

I do think that she reached a point around Feb of 2018 when she thought our marriage was over. Actually, I don't think this, she told me this. We had an argument after dinner and a few drinks and she, "**** you, i'm done with you." It was shocking to me at the time but quite clear. She later said that she didn't mean it, then later tried to change what she said, but I heard her clearly.

 

There's a good chance that she simply started acting as if the marriage was over. It certainly looks like most of this texting activity took place a year ago.

 

But one way or the either I need to address this. It's no way to live.

[olivetree]

Is this former coworker the same one as in your previous thread (now merged with this new one) that she had a glass of wine with?

[warwick]

No, this is a different guy. She worked with this guy 4-5 years ago and they became pretty good friends. He's married, or was last i heard, and has a son.

 

The guy she met for the drink June of 2018 worked with her at her current company but was terminated. I do not believe there has been any direct contact between them since then, which seemed confirmed when we randomly ran into him one day. He was going through a divorce when they met.

[Mr. Lucky]

But one way or the either I need to address this. It's no way to live.

 

I think you're conflating two different things - the staleness in your marriage and the need to stay connected and network to advance one's career.

 

Staring with the latter, my wife was in sales before she took a sabbatical and has stayed in touch with a number of ex-coworkers and associates, both male and female. It's just part of the game in many fields today.

 

As far as you marriage goes, think you're on the right track. Focus on being a good partner, prioritize her needs and keep the communication open. Not sure this is as dire as some painting it...

 

Mr. Lucky

[TobyBoy]

Trust but Verify

[mark clemson]

It's one thing to lightly flirt with men in her job environment and quite another to become emotionally invested (and yet another to have a PA). That said, you are the one married to her and who decides what your boundaries and comfort levels are.

 

I agree that she's unlikely to level with you about much if any of this - too much risk and she doesn't get to have whatever her fun is any more.

 

It does sounds like she had temporarily checked out of the marriage or at least considered it (the bleep you I'm done conversation). Clearly she changed her mind about that.

 

I would think that the spouse's view of a friendship overrides the friendship. In other words, if you say you're uncomfortable with a specific friendship, she should be willing to lose that specific friend (since it's just a friend). However, it's very hard to really know what may or may not be going on in a work situation.

 

Consider having an earnest conversation about how you feel. Be sure to maintain dignity/be strong while expressing your feelings and concerns. If you have this conversation, I think you want to be quite cautious - you want her on your side, not defensive, if at all possible. You want to rock the boat just enough to get it back on course, but not too much IMO. So a bit tricky to do.

[warwick]

This is very good advice. Thank you.

 

It is indeed a tricky question and a balancing act. I’ve been with my wife for 23 years and married for almost 18. It was only the last year that I have had to deal with this crap. And it sucks. It can’t continue and have us stay healthy and together. We need a reset and a clear discussion regarding trust, commitment and boundaries for our personal behavior. We went through a difficult period and she may have concluded that we weren’t going to make it, but health and money issues were overcome and now we need to reset the bar regarding respect and commitment. I think we have enough going for us to do this, but I am not taking this for granted.

 

I know for a fact that I can’t accept this lack of trust as a new norm. I’m going to gather a few more key facts and then have this discussion with her. She returns home today after 11 days on the east coast with our two kids, so this probably won’t happen until early next week. I hate to say it, but I feel the need to look at the text exchange with this former coworker to determine what’s going on here. But I hate doing this crap! It’s no way to live.

 

Thanks again!!

[warwick]

And to be clear, I do not have a problem with my wife having a friendship with a male coworker, current or former. But I do have a problem with her having a text exchange with him after midnight that involves 9 texts going back and forth. There could be a valid reason for this but find it doubtful.

 

I also have a problem with her pursuing a drink with a former coworker who is going through a divorce and with whom she seemed to have very little connection with during their work time together. And only mentioning the meeting after the fact.

 

One of my concerns here is that none of this would have come out if she hadn’t mentioned that one meeting after the fact. It set all this discovery in motion, so my concern is that she concludes that she shouldn’t share things with me, but this would be a bad and unhealthy conclusion and precedent.

[TobyBoy]

Do a little research on the guy. Look at his Facebook, instagram......any social media he might be on. Maybe you’ll get lucky and see something he was doing the night of the texting. When you have an opportunity, check your wife’s phone. See what was so important that text exchanges occurred so late at night.

[warwick]

I plan on checking her phone and online activity, but this late night exchange took place in March of 2018. 6 of their 7 text exchanges took place over a year ago. I only came across this when I noticed what appears to be the one recent text exchange (of 19 texts) last week when she was at Disney World with our kids. Before last week, it looks like the last text exchange with this guy was June 2018.

[TobyBoy]

I plan on checking her phone and online activity, but this late night exchange took place in March of 2018. 6 of their 7 text exchanges took place over a year ago. I only came across this when I noticed what appears to be the one recent text exchange (of 19 texts) last week when she was at Disney World with our kids. Before last week, it looks like the last text exchange with this guy was June 2018.

 

Ok. I thought the late night text exchange occurred recently. Still, shady behavior no matter what state your marriage was at the time.

 

One suggestion, have your phone with you when you look at her texts and take pics of all texts.

 

If you find anything incriminating, try not to confront immediately. Run it through with the good people here at LS first. We can guide you on what works from years of experience.

[warwick]

yes, this is my plan --- as much as I hate to admit it.

 

Correct, the late night texting session was over a year ago, but is still questionable. Can't think of a good reason that she would be texting with a married man after midnight on a Monday morning -- likely while i'm sleeping next to her. A little creepy for sure.

 

Still, the little texting session that includes 19 texts on the second evening of her trip to Disney World with our kids raises its own questions.

 

Last I hear this guy has a very difficult marriage with a woman that has major health issues and doesn't leave the house. Pretty tragic. But it's always been a potential situation that I've been aware of for my wife to get too close to him. I don't know if they are still married or not. I have heard his name in a couple years.

[TobyBoy]

Who initiated the text conversations? How long before the first response?

[TobyBoy]

Sorry another question. Does your wife still have the same phone from last year?

If not, can you locate it, power it up and check for those texts. If it’s the same phone, those texts should be there. Hopefully she didn’t delete them.