Author Daisy1776 Posted April 5, 2019 Author Share Posted April 5, 2019 Naivewomen...He basically told me back in February he was done. But we kept talking randomly, he would throw enough attention at me to keep me where he wanted me on the edge of his pretty, comfortable, little life not asking too much of him for fear I would lose him forever. I think my grieving began in February tbh. I use to cry at the drop of hat at just the thought of him. But that no longer happens. I won't lie and say I'm not sad at times but I only cried once since deleting that app almost a week ago. I have thought of him but for the most part my thoughts have revolved around how weird it is to loss a part of my life that I have lived for the last 2 years. And sometimes the WTF was I thinking thought enters my head so that to me is a good sign as well. LOL I can't say that if he calls me I won't answer but I can say I don't crave him anymore. I know I will be OK without him. I no longer have that strong desire to be with him forever because I finally realized that was never going to be a possibility. I finally feel like the old me, the me that was lost the last 15 years, She is beginning to reappear. The me, the one who entered this affair because I was lacking confidence she's starting to fade into the past!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oceanblue12 Posted April 5, 2019 Share Posted April 5, 2019 good luck Daisy Link to post Share on other sites
Youngestdaughter Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Yes, it is possible. My MM's wife divorced him. He had been a serial cheater for 20 years. But I was his OW for 3 years. That, she said, she couldn't handle. The fact she got a college degree and a good job might have had something to do with it too. I was 19 when it started. He was 37. It was crazy passionate. But the jealousy is Hell. The wife is a ghostly presence at first. Then she becomes a very real presence in the same bed with your boyfriend. And no one feels sorry for the OW. Most of us just fell in love with the wrong person. We didn't set out to break up a family . After the divorce, he became totally different. He felt so guilty about the divorce because of his son. He took it out on me. Five years later, I cheated on him. He was devastated and spent the next five years running me off and begging me back. Take it from someone who literally knows exactly how you feel. You have been given your life back. Take time to heal and live it. I was with him from 19 to 35. I loved him and I know he loved me until the day he died. But if I had it to do over, I never would have gone near him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy1776 Posted April 12, 2019 Author Share Posted April 12, 2019 I almost made it two weeks. This morning I got a FB message from my MM asking if I had deleted the app. Of course I downloaded the app to see if he sent a message which he did. I didn't open it and deleted the app again. I have no idea what the message said. I replied to his FB post with something along the lines of I needed a break from all the anxiety I was creating for myself, it served no purpose anymore and I miss him everyday but I have made the decision to accept the choice he made and said I hoped he and his kids were doing well to which he replied simply Ok. I don't know what I was expecting in reply but I sure hoped it would be more then OK. I should have known better I guess. I'm pissed at myself for even opening that message and replying because I know I will fight with myself all day and night to not send another message...but I keep telling myself it's not worth the anxiety and chaos he brings to my life ITS JUST NOT WORTH IT! Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 Yeah, think true indifference takes a long time. We all make mistakes, just think you should do your best to not prolong the distress with stuff like this that retriggers the emotions. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Amethyst68 Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 So what's the current state of your marriage? Do you love your husband at all? Redirect your thoughts and the effort you put into the affair into your marriage and children. Your absence emotionally over the past few years must have affected them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lewhawk Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 End your marriage, I’m sure you won’t tell your husband and you even mentioned leaving him for om a year ago. Put the sham out of its misery, your family deserves better. Link to post Share on other sites
oldlion Posted April 12, 2019 Share Posted April 12, 2019 I'm sorry for your situation but I have some questions. Maybe I missed the answers along the way. 1. Do you love (in love) with your husband? 2. Does your husband love (in love) with you? 3. What did your husband do to deserve you having a two year affair? If the answer to either of question 1 or 2 is NO then it's time to find a new path in life. If you are staying married "because of the children" you are voicing an excuse and not a reason. I have seen several breakups ( a couple in my own family) where the children are doing very well. If a child has two parents that love them and can parent together, the child will be fine. I believe a child is better off being from a broken home than living in a home that is broken. Dear lady, your home is broken. By your affair I assume your husband is not the man you want. Then why stay? If you really want to end this then the simple way is just tell your husband everything. One way or another it will end. You had the courage to lie and deceive for the past two years so you have, somewhere inside yourself, the courage to come clean. Being a mature adult means taking responsibility for your own decisions and actions. If there is a place where you and your husband can be happy, with or without each other, instead of being stoic go after happiness. I do wish you well. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 I'm pissed at myself for even opening that message and replying because I know I will fight with myself all day and night to not send another message...but I keep telling myself it's not worth the anxiety and chaos he brings to my life ITS JUST NOT WORTH IT! Hope you gain the strength to delete and block him on fb and on all other social media, including email and if need be changing your cell number. Make it impossible for him contact you. The A is over and you need to grieve and heal without hearing from him. Any contact sets you back. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 Yes, I think some can truly love the OW, but either not enough to leave or they are settled in their life and don’t want to disrupt it. My MM was (and still is) absolutely miserable in his M. But, because this is his 3rd M, he absolutely refuses to divorce and will ride it out. His W is selfish and cold, doesn’t want him to do anything (or have hobbies) that doesn’t center around her. But at 64 (he is 10 years old than me), he’s given up, and will do anything she wants to keep the peace. Even his kids avoid her it’s so bad. That said, what I did was just acknowledge we were never going to happen, even though he always said he hoped one day we would be together. I grieved, and still do. I loved him and always will. Acknowledge your feelings, name them, say you are hurt and angry, then move on to another thought. Don’t try to squash it. Let yourself grieve, but use this time to do things you enjoy. Grow and develop yourself. You are valuable and worthy, see yourself as such! It does hurt, but time will help. Hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 I think more often the MM finds in the affair a perverse way of loving himself, not the OW. The affair validates his need to be special. This is why so many affairs die on the vine once the marriage is dissolved. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 Yes, I think some can truly love the OW, but either not enough to leave or they are settled in their life and don’t want to disrupt it. My MM was (and still is) absolutely miserable in his M. But, because this is his 3rd M, he absolutely refuses to divorce and will ride it out. His W is selfish and cold, doesn’t want him to do anything (or have hobbies) that doesn’t center around her. But at 64 (he is 10 years old than me), he’s given up, and will do anything she wants to keep the peace. Even his kids avoid her it’s so bad. I loved him and always will. OK I get that you loved him but nothing in the above suggests he loved you. Are you sure you are not projecting your feelings onto him? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 (edited) OK I get that you loved him but nothing in the above suggests he loved you. Are you sure you are not projecting your feelings onto him? Agree. But seriously, he is a 64 year old man, married three times and cheating on his current wife - what about this guy says “Good catch! This is the one for me...” if your friend or your daughter brought a guy home who had been divorced three times and left his last wife because he was cheating, what would you advice them about this relationship... would you tell them that this was a risk with taking? Or would you tell them something different? Thank goodness you ended this and didn’t leave your family. His man is not deserving of that sacrifice. Edited April 13, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 OK I get that you loved him but nothing in the above suggests he loved you. Are you sure you are not projecting your feelings onto him? I don’t know. All I have is what he said and what I saw. I know how she is wasn’t a lie because I knew her. I saw how she treated him. He just told me he was sticking this one out because he’d made a commitment in his 40s and is a Christian now and had to do what God wants him to do. And because he and the mother of His children had divorced, he didn’t want them seeing him have another (they are grown and married now and he doesn’t want them thinking divorce is the answer to problems.). He said it didn’t change the way he felt about me, but he couldn’t leave. He hates conflict and absolutely will not speak his mind or argue, and the night I saw him bending over backwards because she was upset with him and he didn’t want conflict made the stop and think that was the woman he loved, not me. So, in retrospect, yes, I’m probably projecting. When I read my posts on here about it all, they make me feel ill. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 Agree. But seriously, he is a 64 year old man, married three times and cheating on his current wife - what about this guy says “Good catch! This is the one for me...” if your friend or your daughter brought a guy home who had been divorced three times and left his last wife because he was cheating, what would you advice them about this relationship... would you tell them that this was a risk with taking? Or would you tell them something different? Thank goodness you ended this and didn’t leave your family. His man is not deserving of that sacrifice. I think he is changing. He wants to do what God wants. Nothing I said or did made it worth choosing me. I can’t win over God. But, to answer your question, I’d tell my daughters to run, that a leopard doesn’t change its spots, and in time, he’d be up to his old ways again. And I’d encourage them to get into therapy to find out why they expect so little for themselves bc they were raised better than that. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 All I have is what he said and what I saw. I know how she is wasn’t a lie because I knew her. I saw how she treated him. The night I saw him bending over backwards because she was upset with him and he didn’t want conflict made the stop and think that was the woman he loved, not me. So, in retrospect, yes, I’m probably projecting. What Elaine is saying is - how his wife treats him and the kind of relationship they have is irrelevant. It is not related in any way to how he feels about you. There is no correlation. When you ask whether a MM loves his OW and then proceed to say that his wife treats him badly, they have a terrible marriage, he is a born again Christian, he does not want his children to see him divorce again... none of that indicates that he loves the OW. It simply means he is in a bad marriage, he has a long history of divorce, and he’s doing all kind of mental gymnastics to try and justify his decision to stay in a bad marriage (if that is truly the case). The thing is, many OW will then take the information that his wife treats him badly and fill in the blanks... he really wants to leave because he truly loves the OW... which may well have been exactly what you have done. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 But, to answer your question, I’d tell my daughters to run, that a leopard doesn’t change its spots, and in time, he’d be up to his old ways again. And I’d encourage them to get into therapy to find out why they expect so little for themselves bc they were raised better than that. That’s what I thought. Next time he texts, read what you have written again and take your own advice. Best wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 That’s what I thought. Next time he texts, read what you have written again and take your own advice. Best wishes. Makes sense what you said above, I hadn’t read it out that way before, thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Starswillshine Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 I don’t know. All I have is what he said and what I saw. I know how she is wasn’t a lie because I knew her. I saw how she treated him. He just told me he was sticking this one out because he’d made a commitment in his 40s and is a Christian now and had to do what God wants him to do. And because he and the mother of His children had divorced, he didn’t want them seeing him have another (they are grown and married now and he doesn’t want them thinking divorce is the answer to problems.). He said it didn’t change the way he felt about me, but he couldn’t leave. He hates conflict and absolutely will not speak his mind or argue, and the night I saw him bending over backwards because she was upset with him and he didn’t want conflict made the stop and think that was the woman he loved, not me. So, in retrospect, yes, I’m probably projecting. When I read my posts on here about it all, they make me feel ill. I know this is a little topic here, but when the focus gets shifted to how the wife... what about how he is treating her? What about his actions to cheat makes him a great spouse or partner? He has been divorced 2 times prior to and is cheating on his current wife... maybe there is cause for her to be ugly to him? Doesnt want him to have hobbies? Well, he is a cheater... I would need to keep a tight leash, too. No one really seems to look at the MMs actions to see why might a BS be acting that way. The MM is having an affair... outside of physical abuse, it is the worst thing you can do in a marriage. Also... trying to be a good Christian contradicts with his actions of engaging in an affair. Same with not wanting another divorce; well, why engage in something that would cause a divorce? Sometimes you have to step back and see ALL perspectives. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 What about his actions to cheat makes him a great spouse or partner? He has been divorced 2 times prior to and is cheating on his current wife... maybe there is cause for her to be ugly to him? No one really seems to look at the MMs actions to see why might a BS be acting that way. The MM is having an affair... outside of physical abuse, it is the worst thing you can do in a marriage. Also... trying to be a good Christian contradicts with his actions of engaging in an affair. Same with not wanting another divorce; well, why engage in something that would cause a divorce? Sometimes you have to step back and see ALL perspectives. Absolutely, when you consider the situation from an outside perspective it’s as clear as day and night. OP, you have no idea what is really happening behind closed doors in this marriage. If she is nasty to him, perhaps he does deserve it. Assuming she is of similar age, I’m sure it was not her hope and dream to grow old with a man courting another woman on the side... perhaps, she is miserable because she feels like she has suffered the ultimate bait and switch such that she now feels like she is stuck in a marriage because she does not have the finances and/or is not willing to divorce and be alone at her age/stage of life. You just don’t know. I agree with Starswillshine, what we do know is that this guy has been married three times and he has cheated on at least one spouse. Definitely not the actions of a good Christian or a man who does not want another divorce. The whole - “I’ve found God and I’m trying to be a good person” thing is a bit too late and a penny too short in my humble opinion - when you are a senior citizen who has had three marriages and is still trying to cheat on his current wife. I’m not really buying that... Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 If he found GOD and wants to remain married then what does he want from you?? Your not even with him sexually. What was he looking for?? Link to post Share on other sites
Daisy2013 Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 If he found GOD and wants to remain married then what does he want from you?? Your not even with him sexually. What was he looking for?? Beats me. We’d had sex, but he said he always felt convicted by the Holy Spirit bc of it. He says he wants my friendship and that he loves me and that it’s nice to have someone who loves him, desires him, with whom he can laugh and be silly with and be himself. He’s always so negative about his life and M, and most times that’s all I hear from him is his diatribe of misery. Idk what he wanted with me, truly. When I asked him he said friendship and hopefully one day be together. And that he wants to live how God wants him to live, and loves God more, even though he loves me. Truthfully, I think he wanted out but bc so conflict avoidant, wouldn’t say it, Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 (edited) Beats me. We’d had sex, but he said he always felt convicted by the Holy Spirit bc of it. He says he wants my friendship and that he loves me and that it’s nice to have someone who loves him, desires him, with whom he can laugh and be silly with and be himself. He’s always so negative about his life and M, and most times that’s all I hear from him is his diatribe of misery. Idk what he wanted with me, truly. When I asked him he said friendship and hopefully one day be together. And that he wants to live how God wants him to live, and loves God more, even though he loves me. Ugh. Again, his actions don’t match his words. If he wanted to live how God wants him to live, he would be honouring his wife... Your role here is clearly emotional support. He found someone who is willing to listen to his many complaints and ease his burden. You have not been his girlfriend, as much as you have been his counsellor. The fact that you loved and adored him was a nice bonus. You are expected to provide companionship, emotional support, and an ego boost - nothing more, nothing less. Like most affairs, this is very one-sided. He gets exactly what he wants, while you do not. Edited April 13, 2019 by BaileyB Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 This man portrays himself as a person who puts god above all things, yet he ignores one of the main commandments. Don't commit adultery. If he cant even be truthful to an omnipotent being who he feels runs the universe, what makes you think he's going to be truthful to mere mortals like the rest of humanity, including you? Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted April 13, 2019 Share Posted April 13, 2019 This man portrays himself as a person who puts god above all things, yet he ignores one of the main commandments. Don't commit adultery. That would be TWO commandments - there's another one that condemns you just for thinking about it. Link to post Share on other sites
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