Author Daisy1776 Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 This man was willing to let you go, you're now actively choosing to prolong your unhappiness. What happens the next time you see each other in person? That's the problem he was never really ready to let me go. He broke the no contact first and I wasn't strong enough to not reply back. I honestly don't know what will happen next time we see each other in person. One of our biggest issues was we never did because we live 75 miles apart. I know it's most likely the wrong decision but right now it's the one I have make because the idea of never seeing him again is just to great to handle. I'm hoping with the help of IC I will be able to change my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy1776 Posted March 4, 2019 Author Share Posted March 4, 2019 If you don't want to be married, get a divorce. If he doesn't want to be married, get a divorce. Neither of you loves deeply enough to even stop yourself from hurting the spouses you both chose. How did your experience differ? Were you able to just divorce that easily? Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 If it makes you feel any better, so did I. I'll post about it on my own thread in a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy1776 Posted March 27, 2019 Author Share Posted March 27, 2019 MM and I have been taking a break of sorts. We don't text as often as we use to, sometimes it's days before we text each other. He spontaneously called me out of the blue yesterday we usually text each other before we call just to make sure it's OK. I'm not going to lie this was a pleasant surprise. When we ended things he said he still loved me and wasn't done forever just for now and we would try to be "just friends". I know many of you will say he called for the sex, but the thing is we weren't together often due to distance so sex didn't happen often. We talked everyday and had a seemingly good relationship until I just couldn't control my jealousy any longer. Is it possible he means what he says and does truly love me and is just as confused by our situation as I am. Has anyone experienced this? Link to post Share on other sites
RecentChange Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 Does it matter? Is this situation fair to you? To his wife? Do you not feel like second fiddle, like an option. Like someone he can “take a break” from when he chooses? Is that what love looks like to you? Being kept a secret, being apart, not sharing and building a life together? That’s not what love looks like to me. Love isn’t a word, love is an action. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 Perhaps he did, but as the poster before me points out....doesn’t it matter more for us to get to the core of why that actually matters to US? I don’t say this to hurt or cast judgement, I am no better having asked myself that same thing day after day in early days of NC. Unfortunately what I think is happening here is that he is trying to “end” amicably so that he has you as an option down the road. I say this after my xMM recently made contact. I tried to remain cordial and he stated at one point that he hasn’t reached out until now as it was “too early” in other words...he didn’t feel I had probably forgiven him for how he acted and would fall back into our pattern. He “acted poorly” and knew it and while he didn’t ghost me as you’ll see many times on these boards, he did know it wasn’t good treatment. Thankfully I am focusing now on my husbamd and our relationship and working on why I have done such a horrible thing. His crap isn’t working this time. This man sadly will come back to you at some point. I have no doubt. Much of why my A deteriorated was similar to what you’ve written about in your prior postings. They are only thinking about themselves and what is convenient for them. Isn’t it time we do that for ourselves and forge a healthy path forward?? Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 27, 2019 Share Posted March 27, 2019 (edited) Do I think that some married men care for their affair partners. Sure. Men on this board have said as much. Is this truly “love?” I tend to agree with Recent Change, love is an action, not a word. If anything, I would say it is more likely infatuation and a feeling of “caring” for the other person. This is a very black and white statement, but I tend to think that a man who truly loved his wife would never betray her in this way or want to be the cause of such pain. While, a man who truly loved his AP would move heaven and earth to be with that woman. I’m just not sure how anyone could call a relationship that is selfish and hurtful “love.” True love, is the very antithesis of these things. Edited March 27, 2019 by BaileyB 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 So MM loves you. And what's next? You continue to be on the side lines when you're not on a break from one another? Friendship? All the meanwhile he's living life with his wife and celebrating holidays and birthdays with her and their family, in laws and friends. Is this enough for you? Don't you want your own husband, kids and a family unit of your own? How long do you intend on hanging onto someone who isn't choosing to be with you full time? Even if he loves you deeply it certainly isn't enough to make him divorce and start a new life with you. I hope you find the strength to walk away before you waste more time of your precious heart on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
darkbloom Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 He may love you but what does that accomplish? We use love as an excuse to keep ourselves stuck. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 He may love you but he loves himself more. He also loves his pretty life at home more - he doesn’t want to give up what is familiar. So he has an affair because that feeds his ego. Can you see this is all about him? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 Does a MM ever love his OW? Yes, absolutely. That does not mean that he will act upon his emotions. It doesn't mean that he will value this "love" over the other factors of his life. It is often said on LS that they don't leave their marriage because they actually love the wife. Sometime that's true, sometimes they don't leave even when they do love the AP and don't love their wife, because they love the marriage and its benefits. In other words, they love themselves more. I think the question is not 'does he love me' , but 'is his love worth enough, backed by no action to match the emotions'? Hopefully, the answer is no. When you go back to normal dating, it will illuminate how incomplete affair interaction is. How unfair. How frustrating. His emotions are not important, if not followed up upon by massive life changes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 When you go back to normal dating, it will illuminate how incomplete affair interaction is. How unfair. How frustrating. How one sided. This poster won’t get back to dating however, because she has a husband at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy1776 Posted March 28, 2019 Author Share Posted March 28, 2019 You all said words the made sense in my mind, it's my heart that has such difficulties understanding. And yes I won't be getting back into dating as I am a married woman. I know there is a lot of judgement on here about having affairs in the first place. I will say everyone has their reasons for why they do it. I know the "right" thing to do is walk away from the marriage if you're unhappy. I will also say not everyone of us is strong enough to just walk away that easily. I don't believe people start affairs hoping they will fall in love, it's quite the opposite I'm sure. But the reality is it happens and then life gets really complicated and it sucks. I am in IC, somedays I'm strong and somedays I'm not. I'm a work in progress which I think most people can say regardless of an affair. I do love my MM, I do know that we won't ever be what I had hoped we would be. I also believe maybe naively that he never meant to hurt either one of us. I need to find a way to be strong for both of us and just walk away. It will be a long road for me. Thanks to whomever takes the time to read and reply to my posts it does help me on some level. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 I need to find a way to be strong for both of us and just walk away. It will be a long road for me. Taper off/titrate down (to zero) on the interactions? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 (edited) I would describe it as more "romantically interested" than love, honestly on both sides. As in, yes they are sexually attracted to you, think you're funny and pretty, have things in common with you, like chatting with you over email, etc. And vice versa. But is it love in any true sense of the word? Probably not. I do not spend nearly enough time with my MM, let alone in real life, or see what he is like with his friends and family, to even know him well enough to "love" him. And same with him re my real life. And are the feelings much stronger on our side than on the MM's side, yes. Are they as obsessed with us as we are with them? No. Are they as "miserable without us" as we are with them? No, not even close. And of course, regardless of the intensity of their feelings or whether it is love or not, obviously "it can only go so far" (in the words of my MM). So really, what difference does it make anyway. Edited March 28, 2019 by Aloha123 Link to post Share on other sites
imsosad Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 (edited) How one sided. This poster won’t get back to dating however, because she has a husband at home. I missed that, but honestly, I'm not about to moralise her, or anyone else. I was a MW in an affair with a MM, today we are married to each other. The happy ending does not mean there wasn't alot of pain going on, first and foremost both BS, but he and I had our share of pain as well. Yes, we were responsible, even guilty, if you will, and at the same time, it felt like hell on earth.1 I think it's harder for MW to overcome affairs than it is for single OW. You can't be openly heartbroken, you carry all the guilt towards your spouse and a single OW has new options on the horizon. OP, this man is probably a distraction from other issues in your life. I feel your pain. Remain NC and work at getting better, you will get there, with time. Edited March 28, 2019 by imsosad Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted March 28, 2019 Share Posted March 28, 2019 I agree with Aloha!! They are incapable of missing the way we miss. They didnt go as deep with their emotions. It just a matter of processing the end that seems to be the hardest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MissJenniferX Posted April 1, 2019 Share Posted April 1, 2019 (edited) Yes. I am married and my marriage is terrible. I loved my ex with all my heart so yes, I think if I can do that, a man can love his OW. I didn't know he was a narc, and I loved his love bombing fake persona, none the less, I am NOT a narc and I loved that person. I hate who he really is. So....does that help answer your question? Now, why does he love you but not leave? Money, divorce is hard. I was already preparing for my divorce. A lot of MM are unhappy but in court they get taken through the wringer. He might love that boat he's able to fish out of if he keeps wife more than you. Or you might be a feisty woman and his wife is a doormat. Security. He can love you, but you might scare him, if he loses half of his life earning to the old ball and chain...and he will...you might leave him. He knows she's not leaving. Still, the heart will love who it wants, and in my talks with other cheaters most of us DO/DID love our OW/OM more than our wife/husband. That is, if we are not personality disordered. If he's a narcissist or some other awful monster he doesn't even love himself. Edited April 2, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy1776 Posted April 2, 2019 Author Share Posted April 2, 2019 I got a little drunk last Friday night and sent a few texts. I wasn't drunk enough to fully forget I did it but drunk enough to not remember fully what I said and to hit send and then delete them. Saturday morning when I was fully sober I sent a text saying I'm not sure what those texts said but probably I love you so much blah blah blah. I told him I wouldn't deny loving him but I needed to know if I was going to be stuck in the middle forever. Needless to say my xMM (who has been stringing me along in the we will just be friends zone for the last 2 months) didn't like my texts. He shared the text thread with me and said when we first broke up he told me he'd leave the door open on our relationship. I'm so sick of him making all the decisions. He also told me he thought we could be adult enough to remain friends but my texts were juvenile and he was thinking about deleting the app we used to communicate anyway. TBH the entire relationship was juvenile making out and more in the front of a truck...I mean c'mon. I'm so glad he was a big bad adult through all of this. I think that was finally the straw that broke the camels back for me. He just came across so mean, a side I never really saw before. I deleted the message without a reply and then deleted the app. I will admit it hasn't been easy but I keep telling myself I'm not looking back. I know it sounds "juvenile" but it feels good to think I may have one upped him even if he did delete the app I like think I did it before him I know it doesn't matter but feels good nonetheless I mean whatever works right. I will try to remain strong I highly doubt he will contact me anymore but if he does I will keep repeating your not going backward! Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted April 2, 2019 Share Posted April 2, 2019 Good for you. Hope you can stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
jah526 Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 Mine told me in the beginning he could be with me, he could care for me, he could even love me, but he couldn’t be my boyfriend. Whatever that means. Later on when things were self-destructing he said it didn’t work out between us because of my issues. Not because of something like, oh, I dunno... the little fact that he’s married. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 I guess there is a wide spectrum from men who are deeply in love with the OW to men who don't care a damn. It may be difficult to differentiate one from the other, as in most cases the object of the exercise is to keep the OW on board. And what better way than with professions of "love"... Link to post Share on other sites
lolita888 Posted April 3, 2019 Share Posted April 3, 2019 Mine told me in the beginning he could be with me, he could care for me, he could even love me, but he couldn’t be my boyfriend. Whatever that means. Later on when things were self-destructing he said it didn’t work out between us because of my issues. Not because of something like, oh, I dunno... the little fact that he’s married. Same as this ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Author Daisy1776 Posted April 3, 2019 Author Share Posted April 3, 2019 Mine told me in the beginning he could be with me, he could care for me, he could even love me, but he couldnÂ’t be my boyfriend. Whatever that means. Later on when things were self-destructing he said it didnÂ’t work out between us because of my issues. Not because of something like, oh, I dunno... the little fact that heÂ’s married. Mine always told me he was leaving his wife and we would be together. Full disclosure in case you didn't read all of my thread I am a MW so it wouldn't be as easy as it sounds, but I was ready after a year and a half to end it all and be with him. Looking back I am kind of thankful he was too much of a coward to actually do it. I do still love him, a part of me probably always will but after 4 days of NC (which I know isn't a lot) I don't feel like part of my heart has been ripped out. His words to me over the weekend finally broke the spell. I no longer cry all the way to work anymore like I pretty much did for the last two months and thought of the anxiety of waiting for his call or texts it's just not worth it to me anymore. I think I'm finally ready to let go.... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted April 4, 2019 Share Posted April 4, 2019 Daisy good for you!! I honestly believe you know you are done however its only been 4 days. You are nowhere near the grieving phase yet. When it hits you, it's the worst feeling knowing that's you will never see him again. The memories and flashbacks will flood your brain. Keep reading on LS and keep reading stories on the internet. Talk to people that are safe for you to share your emotions. Do not try and suppress them because the healing takes longer. I did and continue to keep walking through it. It does get better. Everyone on here is right and now I am living proof of it. He, like my MM, may contact you again several months from now. Just when you start to heal and you will find your inner strength because you will never want to feel this pain ever again. The withdrawal which is the final phase is truly the hardest. Sending you my best wishes for a speedy recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
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