littleblackheart Posted April 14, 2019 Share Posted April 14, 2019 I have 2 kids and didn't really know how I would feel before having them. Like your bf, I was 'on the fence'. It changed the second I saw the double red line on the pregnancy test - at that point, there was no way back, I knew I wanted that baby more than anything. Same thing for my second child. Some people only know for sure when they're actually living it. He's not saying he doesn't want any children ever. He's saying he doesn't know how to feel now, which is not confusing at all. If you'd rather be with someone who already knows 100% and you don't want to take a risk, this guy isn't it. Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted April 15, 2019 Share Posted April 15, 2019 I am sorry about this, really I am. I am shocked at how many people I have run into who don't want children. And I ended up with a lot of them... The second love of my life has a daughter he doesn't speak to anymore but did not want more. The third who was/is the love of my life didn't want children and he continues to live with his mom, he didn't want to grow up in many ways like Peter Pan. The fourth? Well, he was very abusive towards me emotionally and verbally and said he didn't want children; then he rebounded and married a train wreck who had two children who he supported until she ran off with her lover, divorced him, married her lover and then divorced the lover/husband #4 about six months later. I have another guy friend who has been with his gf off and on for about 20 years - she wants them and he doesn't. But she won't have them because he doesn't want them. I think they are miserable together. I had a former friend of mine who didn't want them, then she got pregnant by mistake and married her long time bf. Their marriage lasted about 7 years or so. Barely 2 years later she married someone else, I bet that will last. *eyes rolling* I am 44, it's too late for me now. I just have to be okay with it. It's not the most important thing. I think we are taught that it is. But you can't change his mind. Don't accidentally get pregnant by mistake to trap him, that will end up in disaster. Move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted April 15, 2019 Share Posted April 15, 2019 I don't want kids either. What 4 kids will do to your life? Omg. You won't exist anymore, just them, it's all about them, them, them. You will probably change your mind when you grow up. It seems to me and from his perspective as well, he looks at you and sees a woman who wants kids regardless of who is the father. How can he raise 4 kids, how can pay for them, how can he care for them! Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 15, 2019 Share Posted April 15, 2019 (edited) Well, an update on the situation. We had a phone conversation about it after our trip, but he is being really confusing. Girl.... you need to slow way down. Again, let's rehash the facts here: - You have only known this guy for FOUR months, and those months were long distance - You are 24 - You are planning to start your masters degree soon - are you working full-time currently or are you doing your undergrad now? You are putting the cart way before the horse here IMO. You barely even know this man. Yet here you are arguing with him about housework and finances and parenting?? My suggestion to you is to stop talking about babies. Date around, find yourself. Focus on getting your career to a place where YOU are able to support the large number of kids you want. Then revisit this. You may well find that when you start working full-time you might change your mind about having 4 kids... Not "all the good men" are taken by 30. Not all men above 30 want younger women. Lots of my girlfriends got married in their mid 30s and beyond. Besides, you won't even BE 30 when you revisit this. You'll only be 27! Still a baby really. Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author b1a6 Posted April 15, 2019 Author Share Posted April 15, 2019 (edited) It seems to me and from his perspective as well, he looks at you and sees a woman who wants kids regardless of who is the father. How can he raise 4 kids, how can pay for them, how can he care for them! What? Of course I care about who the father is... that's why I'm worried by my bf's ambivalence. If he doesn't ever become excited to be a father, having kids with him would be a gamble I would not be willing to make. I will never push my bf to think one way or another... I just wanted a clear and honest answer from him. Him being undecided about EVER wanting even one gives me stress. And I don't necessarily need 4... at least 2 but if everything went well and our finances permitted it, and my body could take it, I feel like I'd want more. Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author b1a6 Posted April 15, 2019 Author Share Posted April 15, 2019 (edited) Girl.... you need to slow way down. Again, let's rehash the facts here:..... I know that I need to establish my career first and that I will need a lot of money to take care of my future kids... and I will. I just wish that my bf could be on the same page about future goals. And yeah I guess I'm just stressing a lot about age because of what some jerky guys write on the internet. I shouldn't let that get to me. (I should probably spend less time on the internet ) Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted April 15, 2019 Share Posted April 15, 2019 (edited) I know that I need to establish my career first and that I will need a lot of money to take care of my future kids... and I will. I just wish that my bf could be on the same page about future goals. That's the thing though, it's not easy at all to "get a lot of money". In fact, it's a lot harder than most students think it will be once they graduate! I don't mean this as an affront to you, it's just human nature. You will learn and change a lot once you embark on a real career after graduation. There isn't any point in doing all the mental somersaults now IMO. Once you have graduated and have worked for a bit, and if you feel you still strongly want many kids then, you can start to filter out guys based on that. But there's no point in doing it now. And yeah I guess I'm just stressing a lot about age because of what some jerky guys write on the internet. I shouldn't let that get to me. (I should probably spend less time on the internet ) Yeah, most of those guys are just projecting their failures. I wouldn't worry about them. One of my friends just got married at 37 to a great guy (he has a good career, they seem to be in love, etc) and she's expecting her first child now. Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author b1a6 Posted April 28, 2019 Author Share Posted April 28, 2019 (edited) So another update here. I couldn't stop stressing about it and I finally decided to break it off earlier tonight. It did not go well at all. He mocked me for being so obsessed about kids and couldn't understand why I was being like this at only 4 months together. He asked me if I would ask every guy I date if he will give me 3 or more kids and if I will break up with them because of that. I said I wouldn't ask that exactly but thought it was perfectly reasonable and mature to talk about future goals when dating someone new, and I would want to be with someone who was on the same page as me (at least knows they will want to start a family! They don't have to know the exact number..) So he said that he was 'useless' to me and was upset that I wasn't willing to wait for him since he 'tried to change and become more open to thinking and talking about it.' I explained that it wasn't my job to convince him that having kids is good because he has to decide that for himself, and that the chances of him going from not being sure about wanting one to wanting two or more seemed very unlikely and given his reasons for not being sure, it seems like it would take years to decide and I don't want to invest that much time in someone just hoping that they will change. I could tell from his reaction that he was angry at me. And I can understand that he would feel hurt and betrayed that I wasn't willing to wait... and since he's the dumpee he's probably thinking that he just wasn't good enough for me or that I never liked him or something. But I'm a little surprised that he wasn't more understanding of my side of the coin. I asked if he was just going to hate me now and he said "maybe." And he hung up on me. This sucks, I was hoping for once in my life that I could just have an 'amicable' breakup. I just hope he said those things in the heat of the moment and that he won't actually hate me forever. If he was interested in starting a family in the future and wanted more than 1 kid I would go back in a heartbeat.. Edited April 28, 2019 by b1a6 Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 lt's all a very easy thing to talk about like anything else we want or wanna do in life, when you first meet someone. do yourself a favor next time and talk about such obvious things at the start before it goes anywhere. lf l was looking and wanted more kids that'd be easy put on my date site page or brought up if l met someone somewhere and seems it's such a big thing it's be first thing . lf she couldn't have or didn't want more l wouldn't even start something. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Sorry to hear, but I think it was inevitable. I don't think it's that weird to be upfront about future goals. I always talk about it early on (usually date 2, 3 at latest), because you don't want to waste time or develop feelings for someone that wants different things from you. Date 1 is just to see if there is chemistry and if you have fun together. But by date 2 you want to find out what this person's future plans are and if they align with yours. Break ups rarely end well. Especially right after. But his response tells you everything and would confirm you are right to end things. I wouldn't let him sweet talk you into going back. If you don't know if you want multiple kids than maybe. But otherwise, you're just delaying the inevitable. I would encourage you to bring this up earlier in the dating process so you don't cause yourself pain later. Link to post Share on other sites
Author b1a6 Posted April 28, 2019 Author Share Posted April 28, 2019 lt's all a very easy thing to talk about like anything else we want or wanna do in life, when you first meet someone. do yourself a favor next time and talk about such obvious things at the start before it goes anywhere. lf l was looking and wanted more kids that'd be easy put on my date site page or brought up if l met someone somewhere and seems it's such a big thing it's be first thing . lf she couldn't have or didn't want more l wouldn't even start something. You know what, that’s funny because recently I remembered that he had written “unsure” under “wants kids?” On his dating profile. I was thinking about why I never inquired about that when we first started messaging each other, I think it’s because I assumed that he wanted them but wasn’t sure about when. I didn’t find out what he really meant until his 2nd visit to me from across the country. And I wasn’t that worried about it at first because our potential plans of closing the distance were so far off. It is interesting though, I never knew that this whole community of people who don’t want kids (childfree on redddit) existed... Now I know there are many people like that out there and I’ll be more careful! (Not saying there’s anything wrong with those people, just don’t wanna get romantically involved with one. Although ny now ex is more like a fence-sitter) Link to post Share on other sites
Author b1a6 Posted April 28, 2019 Author Share Posted April 28, 2019 Sorry to hear, but I think it was inevitable... Thanks for your kind concern. I am wondering if he will try to win me back. I think this breakup was necessary because he will needs times to figure out what he wants without me in the picture. Otherwise, he could delude himself into wanting it so he won’t lose me. I am sure that I will want more than one kid. And maybe somewhere down the road he will decide he does too, and if that actually happens and I’m single then I’ll go for it again. Link to post Share on other sites
TheFinalWord Posted April 28, 2019 Share Posted April 28, 2019 Maybe, maybe not. I think he knows you're serious and if he doesn't want kids, he won't try again. Unless he thinks you'll change your mind. He already kind of tried by minimizing the issue, but you stood your ground. There are loads of men that want to have a family. Granted, to have 3+ he probably has to make really good money. I don't know what you bring to the table, or if you want to stay home and be a homemaker, but even then there's lots of guys that want that. I don't think you should try to settle or try to convince someone that isn't sure, or needs to find themselves. Maybe take some time to heal, then get back out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Leigh 87 Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 Fence sitter men often change their mind and have one kid. Maybe two. But fence sitters rarely go from indifference to wanting a large family. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted April 29, 2019 Share Posted April 29, 2019 Why would a woman who knows she wants kids even bother with a fence sitter? OP, I don't know how old you are but do you have time to play with fence sitters when you want 4 kids? Maybe you should quickly move on so you can marry a man who wants kids and get started. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
shrimpgogo Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 ^^ She is 24. Hell, I've got leftovers in my refrigerator that have been in there longer than your relationship. :laugh: Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted May 1, 2019 Share Posted May 1, 2019 This sucks, I was hoping for once in my life that I could just have an 'amicable' breakup. I just hope he said those things in the heat of the moment and that he won't actually hate me forever. If he was interested in starting a family in the future and wanted more than 1 kid I would go back in a heartbeat.. Look at it this way. If you attempt an amicable breakup for something like this and don't get one, it's a good sign that your partner lacks the maturity and temperament for a great relationship in any case. Which reinforces that you've made the right decision. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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