BF is "unsure" if he ever wants kids...

[smackie9]

When they are unsure, that means you are not the one why want to have kids with. Seen women stick it out too many times with a guy that ends up not wanting kids, so they breakup...6 months down the road he's having his first child with someone else he just got engaged to and he's all happy. Sorry darling he's not your guy.

[b1a6]

When they are unsure, that means you are not the one why want to have kids with. Seen women stick it out too many times with a guy that ends up not wanting kids, so they breakup...6 months down the road he's having his first child with someone else he just got engaged to and he's all happy. Sorry darling he's not your guy.

 

I see your point. I don't think that's the case here though. He's done a lot of stuff for me that he wouldn't do with his previous girlfriend... like tell all his family about me and put pics of me on his social media even though he's a really private person. He even said he was thinking about telling them that I could be "the one." Also for people from his country, telling parents about your gf and wanting her to meet them is basically saying that she is the one.

[b1a6]

Because that often just means they don't really want kids - but are saying that to buy time.

 

And even if he really isn't sure yet/needs time, is that something you're willing to take a chance on and hope he changes his mind?

 

I honestly think it might be worth the chance. I don't even want kids until I have my career established so I don't need them immediately. It will take at least two years for me to get my masters degree for my dream job. If we break up one or two years down the line because of this kids issue, I'd still be ready to start my career and be well established in my dream place, 26 or 27 years old.

 

Also he may not want so many kids even if he does decide he wants them, but I'd be satisfied with 2 even though 3 or 4 is ideal.

 

Anyways, I understand what yall are saying and why this is a gamble. I will still go through with going to see my bf in his state next month. I'll make a decision after that. Cause I can't stop crying when I imagine breaking up with him.

Edited March 17, 2019 by b1a6

[preraph]

Yeah but he said that he wasn't sure yet/needs time. How are you so sure that he actually doesn't want them?

 

Because that's what you told me, followed by he's annoyed you're even talking about it.

[Lotsgoingon]

Bf shuts down discussion on topic of kids ... such that you're afraid to discuss it ... and you wonder why we think he won't change his mind.

[assertives]

Well, I guess try it then. As long as you manage your expectations regarding having or possibility never having kids and decide accordingly. Also, on the flip side, imagine him posting separately on this forum. "Gf wants 4 kids, but I'm not sure I even want 1. People respond to tell him not to waste his gf's time, and he goes through the same type of mental gymnastics that he thinks it's worth a shot because perhaps he can convince you not to have them for his sake. That can happen also right?

[kendahke]

Doing this to myself because I have already been in a few relationships where I was treated pretty badly... I feel like I don't want to give up on someone who genuinely cares about me, treats me well and likes me for my personality unlike those other guys. I mean I guess it's a gamble but I feel like I should take the chance.

 

 

If at the end of 15 years with him, he is still telling you that he wants no children and he's more sure of that now than he was 15 years ago, are you going to be good with being treated well, liked for your personality and cared about--with no babies?

 

Don't lie to yourself in a feat of prideful bravado--if having children is a non negotiable item and dude is telling you now that children are his exit point, then it doesn't matter how well he's treating you now---eventually, you are going to be 15 years further down the resentment path with no way of making up the time or reclaiming your youth.

[kendahke]

Yeah but

 

 

But nothing.

 

 

No child should be created when one parent knows the other doesn't want them more than the next breath they take. Your "I want what I want" mentality will do more unnecessary damage to the head of the poor child.

[b1a6]

If at the end of 15 years with him, he is still telling you that he wants no children and he's more sure of that now than he was 15 years ago, are you going to be good with being treated well, liked for your personality and cared about--with no babies?

 

Don't lie to yourself in a feat of prideful bravado--if having children is a non negotiable item and dude is telling you now that children are his exit point, then it doesn't matter how well he's treating you now---eventually, you are going to be 15 years further down the resentment path with no way of making up the time or reclaiming your youth.

 

No way I'd wait 15 years... that would be crazy

[b1a6]

Well, I guess try it then. As long as you manage your expectations regarding having or possibility never having kids and decide accordingly. Also, on the flip side, imagine him posting separately on this forum. "Gf wants 4 kids, but I'm not sure I even want 1. People respond to tell him not to waste his gf's time, and he goes through the same type of mental gymnastics that he thinks it's worth a shot because perhaps he can convince you not to have them for his sake. That can happen also right?

 

Yeah I wouldn't feel good about that but I'm not trying to convince him. I'm trying to see if he will develop a genuine desire once he falls more deeply in love with me.

[b1a6]

But nothing.

 

 

No child should be created when one parent knows the other doesn't want them more than the next breath they take. Your "I want what I want" mentality will do more unnecessary damage to the head of the poor child.

 

Once again even if this man offered to marry me I wouldn't accept it unless he developed his own desire for kids....

[b1a6]

Because that's what you told me, followed by he's annoyed you're even talking about it.

 

Yeah for NOW he doesn't... neither do I. But yeah the fact that he doesn't want me to bring it up more isn't a good sign. But I mean what kind of relationship would that be if I was constantly bringing it up and getting into arguments about it... I can't imagine that he actually doesn't expect me to bring it up again once we've been dating for a significant period of time. So that just means I have to decide when enough is enough.

[b1a6]

Some of you guys need to chill. I'm not going to have children with a man who doesn't want them.

[Andy_K]

And if he eventually caves in, will you convince yourself he genuinely wants them?

 

You would not be the first girl to be determined not to have kids with a guy who doesn't want them, and then ends up doing it anyway because she's too blinded by love to see the reality of it.

 

Time is precious. Even if you give this guy a year, imagine how many other guys you could meet in that time who might be far more family-minded.

[elaine567]

I'm trying to see if he will develop a genuine desire once he falls more deeply in love with me.

 

And that is the trap, so many women fall into.

He will love me so much he will agree to having 4 kids with me...

No, he won't.

But by that time you will be in so deep there is little you can do about it.

"I can't leave, I love him", you're desperate you get "accidentally" pregnant , he suggests an abortion or he resents you for trapping him or he just walks out... happy families...

[kendahke]

Some of you guys need to chill. I'm not going to have children with a man who doesn't want them.

 

No, we're not the ones who need to chill.

 

Unless you are sterile or celibate, oopsie babies can be the result of sex...

[Lotsgoingon]

We are only trying to save you heartache and agonizingly painful disappointment. Behind each of the stories you're getting here is a painful episode of us thinking a person we were dating or married to ... was going to change in a way that we wanted.

 

Didn't happen. Rarely happens. That's why you're getting a strong response here. The rule of relationships is take people as they are. Right now, right this moment. Now yes, there are some people who are into conscious growth and change ... but THEY are the ones into growth and change and they can usually tell you how they want to change, the direction in which they want to move.

 

Having children seems no natural, such a no-brainer to a lot of people who want to have children ... that it's really difficult to accept that this different human being we're dating actually has a different perspective and their perspective is as deeply rooted as ours is.

 

Now ... I agree with you on one point ... I think it's better to break up with someone when there's a profound disagreement like this ... rather than continually badger them. So as long as you're keeping breaking up as an option (I know that sounds brutal) ... then continue on ...

 

But then again, I think it's cruel to yourself to feel you suppress all your fears about this issue.

[b1a6]

No, we're not the ones who need to chill.

 

Unless you are sterile or celibate, oopsie babies can be the result of sex...

 

We use condoms and pullout every time, and due to my PCOS I only get my period like once every 4 months unless I force it with pills. So I'd say the chances of me getting accidentally pregnant are astronomically low. I am pro-choice and so if that happened I would probably get an abortion as long as it's in the very early stages, although of course an abortion is a horrible thing to go through and I wouldn't want that to happen. (That's regardless of whether I'm with a guy who wants kids in the future or not)

[b1a6]

We are only trying to save you heartache and agonizingly painful disappointment. Behind each of the stories you're getting here is a painful episode of us thinking a person we were dating or married to ... was going to change in a way that we wanted.

 

I know...

Well... given the points that everyone brought up, I think I should bring it up with him when we're making the final decision about moving in together. Even if he's "annoyed" by it. Hell, maybe he'll even break up with me once he realizes how serious this is.

 

I appreciate everyone taking the time to give me their thoughts on this issue. I'm still not convinced entirely that his feelings have more to do with not knowing he's with the right person yet (not knowing me well enough) or not feeling settled enough to have kids, than actually disliking children. I'll try to give an update in the future...!!!

Thank you

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[preraph]

Deleted my own post

Edited March 19, 2019 by preraph

[RecentChange]

I just have to say, as someone who has always known I do NOT want kids....

 

I disagree with the posters who say it's too early to have this conversation. In my opinion it's never too early to have the "do you want kids" talk. It's a fundamental compatibility issue.

 

For instance if any guy said he wanted 4 kids - that would be the end of "us" period. I have heard the oh you'll change your mind, the you'll change your mind when you fall in love etc.

 

Wanting kids has WAY more to do with goals, lifestyle, vision for the future etc than it does with meeting the right person.

 

Op wants kids, she KNOWS this. I have met plenty of men who want kids, and know that they do. She needs to meet one of them, not someone on the fence that might be convinced that a big family is what he wants - when he has had plenty of years to live, to dream ... And it's obvious that a big family has never been his dream.

 

The fact is it isn't for everyone. Hell, spent the weekend with one of my friends. She has one kid, just started college - and you know what she said? If she had a "do over" she would have never had a kid.

 

As a childless person, this is not the first time I have heard this.

 

A big family is a HUGE commitment, it's a different type of life. And it's not for everyone. I don't think anyone on the fence should be talked into it. They have to want it - something that is true to them.

[newyorker11356]

When they are unsure, that means you are not the one why want to have kids with. Seen women stick it out too many times with a guy that ends up not wanting kids, so they breakup...6 months down the road he's having his first child with someone else he just got engaged to and he's all happy. Sorry darling he's not your guy.

 

Not necessarily true. It could just mean they're unsure of having kids with anyone, period. Doesn't always mean they don't want kids with a specific person.

[Els]

I am going to go against the grain here. You are 24. Are you certain that going into the whole "family with kids" shebang now is what you want? Wouldn't you like to try living life in your early and mid 20s first?

 

 

 

You have time, more than you think. Even the most conservative of research would give you at the very least 10 more good years - and that research was done decades ago. With current assisted reproductive techniques, you'd have a good 15 years or so.

 

 

I'm not saying you should stay with him, but I would recommend that you wait a bit and work towards some personal goals or tick some items off your bucket list before going full-steam towards family + kids. I know several women who regretted having kids as early as they did because they missed out on so much of what it meant to be in their 20s and young and carefree. They will never get their 20s back... but the vast majority of women can still have kids in their 30s.

[b1a6]

I am going to go against the grain here. You are 24. Are you certain that going into the whole "family with kids" shebang now is what you want? Wouldn't you like to try living life in your early and mid 20s first?

 

I don’t want them now. I want to establish my career by getting a Masters degree first. The field I am going into will allow me to work part time while earning a decent wage so that I still have time to raise children. And That’s true what you are saying about the science but at the same time, my chances of finding a quality guy will go down the older I get. Cause the best guys are the ones who are gonna be snatched up by the time they turn 30, and then most guys are attracted to younger girls :/

Edited April 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[b1a6]

Well, an update on the situation. We had a phone conversation about it after our trip, but he is being really confusing.

 

I asked him if his opinion had changed in any way since we last talked about it (which was about 3 months ago) and that he needed to be 100% honest with me. He said that, since I brought it up, he had been thinking about it more than he used to- no previous gf had brought it up, and he just had never given it much thought. That since then, he thought about many different things-- like financial considerations, how he could be a good father, and random things like what if he had a disabled child.

 

He said that he would tell me the truth, and that is that he is still undecided whether or not he will want to have children, but it 'not closed to the idea' of having them.

 

He wanted to know the reason why I want so many kids. I listed the reasons why I think it would make me happy and he kept saying how can you know what it will be like before you have one? Don't you think you should have one and then decide if you want more? And I said I didn't need to have one to know it, I just do-- and that he was projecting his own feelings about it onto me.

 

I asked if he was 'closed' to the idea of having more than 2 kids-- he hesitated and said that he just couldn't know because he wouldn't know what it would be like having only 1.

 

I told him that he told me that he "doesn't like kids" and he couldn't give me a good explanation for it, he said he sees kids outside and thinks they are cute and adorable sometimes, but doesn't like misbehaving kids.

 

I said that I was concerned about what would happen if we got married and had a kid and he decided he didn't like it-- that I was afraid he would resent me, and wouldn't be involved as a father. He said 'Do you think I'm the kind of guy who would do something like that and make you do the work by yourself? I always helped with chores and stuff when you were here.' I said he didn't seem like that kind of person as far as I knew-- he did help with cooking and cleaning which was nice. But I still don't know him well enough to know what he would be like as a father... you can't exactly compare doing chores to raising a child.

 

I mean I did see some things on the trip that worried me. He is a lot more tired on work days and less playful on those days... he falls asleep really easily when he is tired. (Which is understandable but if he has such little energy how could he help me raise babies?) He is thinking of increasing his work hours and trying all of these new hobbies despite that... because he wants to save up for a house. Furthermore, he is obsessed with technology like autopilot cars, voice controlled devices, he wants his future house to have a lot of that stuff. But surely that will be expensive and what if he doesn't make enough money to get all of that stuff and also take care of a baby?

 

I asked how he would feel if I said I never wanted kids. He said that would make him worried, because he might decide he wants them. He asked if it seems like his opinion has changed and I said it doesn't seem like it... and he says that he thinks it has. How can he say that but still be undecided? I just don't get it.