coffee date not progressing to dinner?

[Simple Logic]

It could have been as simple as he didn’t have the money t y you dinner that night and didn’t want to ask you to go Dutch.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Well, good! Sounds as if you know what you want which is a good thing!

 

I just wouldn't write the guy off because he didn't come prepared to buy you dinner if you liked him as a person.

[Highndry]

To me, money is an indicator of how well a person can function in society. While I definitely have compassion for people who don’t thrive - and I’ve been there - it’s still a measuring stick as to how well a person can adapt and thrive in the world. If it weren’t money, it would be something else - land, sheep, cows, fruit trees, islands, whatever. It’s all part and parcel of the same thing.

 

 

I'm not sure where you live, but here in the United States, 40% of adults don't even have $400 cash for an emergency. Think about that. That's a whole lot of broke people!

 

If every woman wants a man with money, that's a whole lot of unhappy women settling for boxed wine and cats, or broke guys!

 

I am actually a guy who would be financially compatible with the OP, but that's where it would end.

[bathtub-row]

It could have been as simple as he didn’t have the money t y you dinner that night and didn’t want to ask you to go Dutch.

 

Again, that part is fine. He should’ve ended the date at a reasonable hour knowing she would probably need to go somewhere and have dinner. His point was, he wasn’t hungry so he saw no need to go to dinner. So, either he’s extremely self-centered, or thought she wouldn’t see the flaw in such a lame excuse. Either way, he ended up looking bad.

[fieldoflavender]

Very interesting that Highndry you think you know me/my finances and exactly how financially compatible you would be with me. Interesting to say that for someone you have no information about otherwise and is quite presumptuous. Then again, I'm not surprised, tons of guys on online dating think they know exactly how much I make, except they don't. I love how everyone on these forums seems to think they know me so well. It's very interesting but sure if you guys truly think that, then keep thinking that.

 

Anyways, it's not based on exact "oh does this person have money" - it's more like getting someone who is comparable to you. In my mind, there's a huge difference in an unemployed man/woman wanting to marry someone "with money" or someone who wants to find a partner who makes similar salary range to them. That's a huge difference. People want a partner who is similar in physical attractiveness. It goes for other aspects too.

 

And again, yeah I'm not writing him off JUST for that. It's more the choosing to share a place with his brother for a year that's really off-putting at > 30 years old when he could afford a smaller place and to live alone. That directly impacts my dating life way more.

[fieldoflavender]

It could have been as simple as he didn’t have the money t y you dinner that night and didn’t want to ask you to go Dutch.

 

No one uses cash these days unless you're on some street. Everyone uses credit cards these days. But again lol, the dinner thing wasn't even about money as it was about timing.

[losangelena]

All this bru-ha-ha over some guy who you didn’t even seem to like that much, or at the very least didn’t meet your criteria. Okay, you figured that out, so move on. You seem to know what you’re looking for, so keep your eyes on the prize.

 

Did you just mean for this to be a venting thread, OP?

[Highndry]

Very interesting that Highndry you think you know me/my finances and exactly how financially compatible you would be with me. Interesting to say that for someone you have no information about otherwise and is quite presumptuous. Then again, I'm not surprised, tons of guys on online dating think they know exactly how much I make, except they don't.

 

 

I beg your pardon, you were yammering on about your income on your "financial incompatibility" thread. I don't presume anything, I choose to stick to facts. And from what I've read of your diatribes, it is no small wonder you are struggling to meet a man. Best of luck to you.

[fieldoflavender]

Well highndry, maybe I wasn't the one who posted on a public forum about how compatible you would be with me now am I? I don't believe I posted my income or the income bracket I'm looking for, so I'm not exactly sure through your telepathy skills you were able to come up with that? I just think if we're going to attack someone on a public forum about their views, make blanket statements about your compatibility with them, you should be able to take if someone challenges you on those statements? But I guess it's easier to make those statements and not take any responsibility or accountability for them.

 

Well yes it digressed a bit - I'm okay if anyone wants to lock this. "Interesting" debate with some people, others I find it's the same type of stuff that I find on online dating that I run away from. I don't make these statements to them because wouldn't want to hurt their fragile ego's in person, but given people are making these blanket statements publicly, I think it's fair game to discuss it openly. It's not like I'm the only independent woman who often gets labelled and told that I must change and how I am struggling when they actually know nothing about how/who I am dating. It's a societal pet peeve of mine. Because we are all supposed to conform to society. Except when you grow up and you realize you should go for what you want.

 

Perhaps I do take this more personally because these type of societal views/behaviours have contributed to me being unhappy in the past - because people would say "Oh blah blah, you need to be like so and so and you have to settle down". But that actually contrary to popular belief, does not actually lead to happiness for people who want to do something for themselves and want someone who admires that in them - not people who want to suppress independence. I'm not even a huge feminist or what-not, but I am sick of society trying to suppress women into playing second fiddle and told not to go for something they want. Then they're simply "difficult" blah blah. It takes a long time for people to gain the confidence to do your own thing, but there is still a lot of fear and stigma in being single over 30 as a female. But trust me, from experience, it's not that hard to get married or "find someone". I was almost married before. Sometimes it takes one to get there to realize that it's not the be-all end all of everything.

 

But keep up the comments. I'm fine, but I feel sorry for any other girls who read this type of patriarchal tone and take it personally. I know I did in the past when I was younger. I would encourage people not to get bullied by these type of comments.

Edited March 12, 2019 by fieldoflavender

[guest569]

Yes I would be disappointed by this.. it shows that he isn’t really thinking about how other people feel, inconsiderate. I’m not hungry, so too bad. I think the whole thing is really odd. By 6 or 7 you want to either grab dinner or part ways. It’s pretty standard! If he is pov then he wouldn’t have scheduled it over dinner time and should have cut it short so you could part ways before dinner. However OP indicated he is not completely broke but I’m not too sure. Who paid for the coffee? How many hours was this date? How many drinks did you have?

[some_username1]

There’s nothing wrong with knowing what you want and being selective. If more people did that, there would probably be fewer divorces.

 

Absolutely but it seems to be a curious commonality on this board that a lot of people who struggle have pretty severe requirements that limit their dating pool *through their own choice*, eg the woman who said a while back that she was dead set on a man with a rugby player's physique- that's like, 1% of the male population!

 

There is nothing wrong with having stringent requirements, I agree that it is good to be picky, but OWN your choices! Don't give off a huffy vibe that you have gone on 5 dates with 5 guys and are so over it and want to meet Mr Right NOW because the more stringent your expectations the more you should expect to have to work damn hard to find that person and put a lot of effort in and if you don't find them just be happy as you are.

 

Tl;dr: be more 'zen' people, entitlement is not attractive

[some_username1]

Well highndry, maybe I wasn't the one who posted on a public forum about how compatible you would be with me now am I? I don't believe I posted my income or the income bracket I'm looking for, so I'm not exactly sure through your telepathy skills you were able to come up with that? I just think if we're going to attack someone on a public forum about their views, make blanket statements about your compatibility with them, you should be able to take if someone challenges you on those statements? But I guess it's easier to make those statements and not take any responsibility or accountability for them.

 

Well yes it digressed a bit - I'm okay if anyone wants to lock this. "Interesting" debate with some people, others I find it's the same type of stuff that I find on online dating that I run away from. I don't make these statements to them because wouldn't want to hurt their fragile ego's in person, but given people are making these blanket statements publicly, I think it's fair game to discuss it openly. It's not like I'm the only independent woman who often gets labelled and told that I must change and how I am struggling when they actually know nothing about how/who I am dating. It's a societal pet peeve of mine. Because we are all supposed to conform to society. Except when you grow up and you realize you should go for what you want.

 

Perhaps I do take this more personally because these type of societal views/behaviours have contributed to me being unhappy in the past - because people would say "Oh blah blah, you need to be like so and so and you have to settle down". But that actually contrary to popular belief, does not actually lead to happiness for people who want to do something for themselves and want someone who admires that in them - not people who want to suppress independence. I'm not even a huge feminist or what-not, but I am sick of society trying to suppress women into playing second fiddle and told not to go for something they want. Then they're simply "difficult" blah blah. It takes a long time for people to gain the confidence to do your own thing, but there is still a lot of fear and stigma in being single over 30 as a female. But trust me, from experience, it's not that hard to get married or "find someone". I was almost married before. Sometimes it takes one to get there to realize that it's not the be-all end all of everything.

 

But keep up the comments. I'm fine, but I feel sorry for any other girls who read this type of patriarchal tone and take it personally. I know I did in the past when I was younger. I would encourage people not to get bullied by these type of comments.

 

Op I would gently ask at this point why you get so touchy over money? Do you think this comes across on your dates? Ie that it's not just that finances are important to you, but also something that you seem very prideful even competitive about, like it defines your worth as a person. It's all coming from a place of ego, it seems eg you sound like you are ready to whip out your bank statement in this very thread: "So sonny, you think you earn more than ME do ya?"

 

I'll add that I don't think it's wrong that you might derive your self worth pretty much from the value of your financial assets rather than from your art or your humanitarian efforts etc just that it's dangerous ground on which to build a relationship even with a man of means himself because he will be very aware that however great he is as a person his bank balance is ultimately all that is keeping the relationship together. Would you be able to stand by your husband if he met with financial ruin?

 

You could also end up in quite a toxic relationship if you bring your financial competitiveness to the table with a man who is similarly as competitive with money because you will inevitably bring out the worst in each other.

 

Just some food for thought that hopefully you will take in the spirit that it is meant....

[JuneL]

Again, that part is fine. He should’ve ended the date at a reasonable hour knowing she would probably need to go somewhere and have dinner. His point was, he wasn’t hungry so he saw no need to go to dinner. So, either he’s extremely self-centered, or thought she wouldn’t see the flaw in such a lame excuse. Either way, he ended up looking bad.

 

I really think such a criticism is unfair. It’s not like the OP mentioned that she’s hungry and needed to go eat and he still kept her from leaving.

 

I’m curious to know how long the coffee date was.

 

I have a story to share from my very brief OLD experience. I was going to meet up a guy the first time for coffee on a Sunday afternoon. Due to his other obligations, he suggested meeting at 6pm. The meeting went quite a bit longer than I had planned. But knowing that he drove over 30 mins to my area, I didn’t want to end it abruptly until almost 2 hours into the convo. Toward the end, he suggested a few times we should have dinner next time, and I gave him a vague answer (because I wasn’t interested). But I could see that he probably wanted to extend the coffee to dinner, if I didn’t tell him I had to go meet someone. The moral of my story was, when I agreed to do coffee at such a late time, I would also have prepared to have a late dinner myself.

Edited March 12, 2019 by JuneL

[JuneL]

OP: I really think you should drop this guy. You’re entitled to your own requirements. But you don’t want to go out with a guy you don’t respect, as evident by how you talk about his sharing a place with his brother.

[Happy Lemming]

He should’ve ended the date at a reasonable hour knowing she would probably need to go somewhere and have dinner.

 

The OP has "free will", she could have ended the date just as easily.

 

I know I've ended dates prematurely (if things went south), and I've had dates end them prematurely.

[Shining One]

Again, that part is fine. He should’ve ended the date at a reasonable hour knowing she would probably need to go somewhere and have dinner. His point was, he wasn’t hungry so he saw no need to go to dinner. So, either he’s extremely self-centered, or thought she wouldn’t see the flaw in such a lame excuse. Either way, he ended up looking bad.

Wouldn't the onus be on her to end the date earlier since she was the hungry one? I've ended dates early because I had some things I wanted to do that evening. Women have done the same on dates with me.

[bathtub-row]

Good grief. Yes, of course she could’ve ended the date earlier. The point is that he didn’t want to go to dinner because, as he said, he wasn’t hungry. His comment came across as obtuse or self-centered. A thoughtful man would not have done this. Plain and simple. Stop complicating it, people.

[JuneL]

Good grief. Yes, of course she could’ve ended the date earlier. The point is that he didn’t want to go to dinner because, as he said, he wasn’t hungry. His comment came across as obtuse or self-centered. A thoughtful man would not have done this. Plain and simple. Stop complicating it, people.

 

But this “I’m not hungry” comment only came up when the OP said during their text exchange that he could have eaten there. I take it to mean “It’s okay, I wasn’t hungry then anyway.”

[Juha]

Sorry, but the fact she was hungry never came into play during the coffee date. If you wanted to eat and enjoyed talking with this man why did you not suggest carrying the conversation over some food since you were hungry? To castigate the man over that borders on being ridiculous.

 

It seems you think we should all be mind readers and know exactly what you are thinking and feeling from the very first meet.

 

You are 100% allowed to have whatever criteria, list of qualities, etc when dating. Thing is you complain about things and we try to open you up to that maybe how you are thinking, your requirements, etc are maybe the problem here.

 

I believe everyone should look for whoever or whatever they would like in a relationship. When you make your requirements so stringent that it is very, very difficult to find anyone that meets those requirements and then complain about the dates. We are just trying to help by pointing out things that may be hindering you in finding a man...

 

Just from how you act on here no good man will want to date someone so argumentative, bitter, judgmental, stubborn, too money driven.

Those are no traits good men want to deal with let alone date.

 

Also men like women to have a softer feminine side.

The type of man you are looking for wants to lead his woman, not be in competition with her all the time. Alpha guys won't date alpha females.

 

As far as dating this guy again? Why would you, since you have 0% respect for him and contempt already. He does not even have a chance

 

I am not trying to "change" you want you to think that maybe things can be done differently or better.

 

Believe it or not I would like everyone to be happy with who they are with.

I see too many unhappy people in bad relationships....

 

I wish you the best

[JuneL]

Again, I think the OP is entirely entitled to find a boyfriend who is financially compatible. Personally, I wouldn’t want to help support my boyfriend financially. But I don’t see a point of being so critical to him about something which was not even his fault. You may come across as petty and difficult. Your hinting during the date and bringing up again in your text exchange may make you appear passive aggressive.

 

Again, I’d like to know what time the coffee date started.

 

If I take my little nephew to play in the playground until pretty late in the evening, then it would be on me to ask if he’s hungry (though he’s never shy about telling me he wants to eat!)...

Edited March 12, 2019 by JuneL

[bathtub-row]

I went out with a guy once who suggested meeting for drinks after work for our first date. We did and, about 45 minutes later, it moved to dinner. He later told me that he suggested drinks because he had an easy out if he didn’t like me. I had no idea that’s what he was doing but it made sense.

 

Now, how is it that that guy had the sense to know when to transition the “drinks” date to “dinner”? It’s just common sense, everyone. If I had to explain something so basic to a guy, we’re already at an impasse. This isn’t about him being a mind reader or the woman making suggestions or leaving. It’s about common horse sense.

[JuneL]

I went out with a guy once who suggested meeting for drinks after work for our first date. We did and, about 45 minutes later, it moved to dinner. He later told me that he suggested drinks because he had an easy out if he didn’t like me. I had no idea that’s what he was doing but it made sense.

 

Now, how is it that that guy had the sense to know when to transition the “drinks” date to “dinner”? It’s just common sense, everyone. If I had to explain something so basic to a guy, we’re already at an impasse. This isn’t about him being a mind reader or the woman making suggestions or leaving. It’s about common horse sense.

 

But there are plenty who don’t usually transition from coffee/drinks to dinner, like the OP and this guy. A typical dating book/coach would say it’s not a good idea to have a long first date.

[stillafool]

If you thought the date was going too long why didn't you end it rather than expect him to do it? Also if you were hungry why didn't you offer to take him to dinner since you make so much more money than him? Why are you dating a guy who you view as not financially compatible to you in the first place and then complain about him later? It seems he did you a favor so now you won't have to waste anymore of your time on him.

[fieldoflavender]

It started at like late afternoon, and in my experience in like over 10-15 times, a drink/coffee around that time is an easy out for a guy or girl or both if you don't like each other to end it early and if you do, it progresses to dinner. No one wants to be stuck waiting for the meal when you just wanna run away right there and then.

 

It's awkward to say "I am hungry" as if I'm a child, I feel like saying restaurants are around should be a hint enough - I suppose I could, but his actions hinted to me at the time he didn't want us to continue which is why he didn't want the financial investment of a dinner and he didn't want to even do dinner. That's why I didn't pursue it and eventually left. The whole date was like 3-4 hours. Which is pretty long for a coffee date. Yes I could have left and all that and I did eventually, but like I said, it was a conversation that was ongoing. Except then he texted right after saying how interested he was and how much he wanted to meet again soon.

 

I get touchy when people start judging me about it like some people did in this thread - I did find the comment about financial compatibility with me offensive especially when it was a personal attack. Otherwise, no I don't need to be competitive with anyone else on this thread. I think if someone treats me with respect, I won't get "competitive".

 

For some people, I don't need to get "touchy" - based on their living situation, their job, there's no reason I need to even ask more - it's obvious they are fiscally responsible, have a good head on their shoulders and obvious. Other people like in this case, it's different financial values.

 

I am touchy because I didn't care that much in the past and it's led to major issues with my ex. It was a huge part of our break-up.

 

I'm not venting that oh I can't find anyone to marry as if I'm clueless why. Like I already said, I know exactly why - I am looking for a very small slice of the population because it's important to me. I am owning up to it - it sucks, but it's important to me and I will keep looking.

 

The thread was more like on the observation of coffee to dinner which I've noticed a lot.

 

But anyways through it, I guess I realized I'm giving him a hard time on this because there's other aspects of him that I can't deal with like the living with brother thing or him making less. If he was better overall and more attractive to me as a person overall, yes of course this one action wouldn't do him in.

[Tristian]

As it appears the original topic has been lost and seeing a lot of mud slinging here I'm just going to close this one up rather then deleting half the thread.