Asking fiancee why pics of her ex still on social media

[Art_Critic]

I firmly think today you can liken old photos in frames to pics on social media and no way in heck would you ever display pictures of your ExW or ExH in your house that you live in with your current wife or husband..

 

To the attic those pictures went in the old days, today you either delete them or archive and delete them..

 

How anybody can think previous wedding photos are appropriate to display while getting married to another is beyond me.

 

Dating and GF's/BF's I think there are cases that it's okay or acceptable until a full on commitment is made but not old marriages and wedding photos..

[El Duendecillo]

OP, I'd hate to think your fiancée would risk her engagement over pics of her ex on her FB page..

 

but..

 

I see it as disrespectful, and makes me wonder if she is still hung up on that guy.

 

Double standard? Yes, very much so.

 

I do not think you are making too big of a deal over expecting her to remove them from her profile. As others have expressed, it should give you some pause about what kind of relationship you really have with your gf.

[Marc878]

Just to be clear its engagement pictures of them from 2014-2015. Shes fairly active on FB. It's public pics that you have to scroll down to find. I just never made a big deal because evrything else has been pretty good between us. I finally decided I had to say something when she wanted me to take down pics of me in Paris and London when I visited my ex. Ex wasnt even in the pics though but I was respectful of her feelings and took them down. But like you said it's a few pics of many on one entry

 

It's ok for her but not you? Nice double standard for her.

 

Bud, you've got an entitled selfish princess on your hands.

 

You should wake before you get woken up.

[Lobouspo]

So we had an argument about it. She said she planned to take them down but she's been busy and she said she does not understand why it's a big deal. She does have a busy schedule but I just wonder if she would have taken them down if I had not brought it up again. Anyway the pics are down I guess, but I dont feel any better about the situation.

[smackie9]

So we had an argument about it. She said she planned to take them down but she's been busy and she said she does not understand why it's a big deal. She does have a busy schedule but I just wonder if she would have taken them down if I had not brought it up again. Anyway the pics are down I guess, but I dont feel any better about the situation.

Ya no doubt with that unsympathetic attitude of hers. Good luck.

[kendahke]

So last night my fiancee was ordering some stuff on Amazon and jokingly said she saw something pertaining to my ex on my phone.

 

The best defense is a good offense. She's been doing something she doesn't want you to know about with her ex.

 

(Nothing of ex there btw)She then seriously said if something was there she would cancel the wedding.

 

Guilt masquerading as bravado.

 

She still has old pics of her wedding on public setting on FB. Couple of people have asked about them and it always bothered me but I did not want to come off as insecure or jealous about it. This morning I texted her why she still had pics of ex on FB. Nothing accusatoey. Just a simple question. Anyway she got really upset and accused me of pretending to care about her which is hurtful. Is this a double standard? Was I wrong to bring this up??

 

Yeah, that "use a sledgehammer to kill a gnat" approach is usually done when someone has done something they dont' want you to know about. That's her guilt in action--because why even bring up irrelevant people out of the blue unless they're on or have been on your mind?

 

She's up to something... I'd put the brakes on any weddings for the time being. People who haven't done anything suspect don't act like this.

[doyathinkso]

At the very least, please, proceed with caution.

 

 

Do Not set a date! Put the stall on that one for a good long time.

[Orokotikki]

So we had an argument about it. She said she planned to take them down but she's been busy and she said she does not understand why it's a big deal. She does have a busy schedule but I just wonder if she would have taken them down if I had not brought it up again. Anyway the pics are down I guess, but I dont feel any better about the situation.

Congrats. So the red flag is now reddish orange I'd say.

 

Oh but "she does not understand why it's a big deal." --> separate additional red-orange flag.

 

Did you tell her why? You had an obvious why in your post...

Objectively, how good is your communication (between you two)?

[Highndry]

Not only would I call off the engagement, I'd call off the relationship. For obvious reasons...

[5x5]

Unless you enjoy drama and are determined to suffer years of misery, you would do well to dump your fiancé immediately.

[greymatter]

I'd be very concerned about her complete lack of empathy for your feelings about the matter. If that is how she is treating you now, it doesn't bode well for the two of you to have a respectful, mature, intimate and well developed and most importantly, a caring relationship. If something that I was doing (or failing to do) was bothering my partner, I'd definitely do my best to talk it through with him and see what would make him feel like his needs and feelings were being addressed. I wouldn't make accusations and ignore a stated need due to "being busy" and I certainly wouldn't have a double standard (and boy, when I read that your photos didn't even have the ex in them but were from a trip to visit her, that was enough right there to make me really wonder about your fiance, and also, how you can possibly go forward in the face of such blatant disrespect...why would you?).

 

Having been through a long marriage and well on the other side of it now, I can say that I wish I had paid much more attention to certain feelings that I had before legally binding myself to my ex-H.

 

I wouldn't marry her unless you are able to work through this in a way that feels healthy, because otherwise you are potentially signing up for a lot of trouble with her.

[TheFinalWord]

So if you have any pics with an ex, she would call off the wedding. She guilted you into removing pics that an ex took of you, in which she was not even in. I actually understand that because those were pics taken in which you formed memories with that ex.

 

BUT...

 

She can have straight up wedding pictures with an ex?

 

I don't understand this at all man. Is this the same one that was sneaking off the bathroom to get privacy on her phone?

 

I would really think twice before getting married. If nothing else, I would get a prenup. I really hate to say that, but the fact you had to strong arm her into this, tells me she is leading the relationship and you are in her frame. Is she like super hot or something? I wouldn't tolerate this at all. The fact you even have to tell her that is concerning. Then to put a guilt trip on you, when she's the one being hypocritical? Manipulation 101.

 

You have to hold your ground here and I would really question if this is really someone I wanted to get into a state-contact with. If simple problems like blatant hypocrisy over FB pics lead her to throw a tantrum, what's going to happen when you two face serious life challenges together?

 

I hope this works out for you man...

[basil67]

To the attic those pictures went in the old days, today you either delete them or archive and delete them..

 

How anybody can think previous wedding photos are appropriate to display while getting married to another is beyond me.

 

If we're comparing old to new, I think that FB photos which one has to scroll down through a number of years to find is the same as the attic. Whereas a photo of an ex in a frame is the same as using it as your profile photo.

 

A quick story: my grandparents never did swap over the photo of me and my ex for the photo of me and my current, despite the fact they'd met him a few times. But they were suffering early stages of dementia / Alzheimers. I was so impressed with my current guy for taking this in his stride.

[fieldoflavender]

Maybe she just more so didn't like being told what to do? Unlikely.

 

Honestly ex pictures especially WEDDING pictures have no place ever. Unless they have kids together - maybe slight sensitivity for the kids, but otherwise honestly just shows the person is not over their ex if they can't even delete a wedding pic.

[Hopeful30]

Okay, so my original post in this thread said "don't be insecure" and "everyone has a past".

 

After following this thread and learning more information, I would like to politely change my answer.

 

I don't think the fact that old wedding photos are up is the problem. Like I said, we all have a past. BUT, if doing something so simple as clicking "delete" would make my man happy, I wouldn't think twice!!

 

The fact that it's not so "simple" for her is concerning. Perhaps she has a principle why she isn't deleting them, and that's okay, but when you marry someone (at least I think so) you should make your partner priority. That means doing what makes them happy UNLESS it compromises a part of yourself.

 

We can't erase our past history, BUT, if it's that big of a deal to delete a couple photos...then I would question what else she would hesitate to do when in your marriage REAL problems happen.

[greymatter]

If we're comparing old to new, I think that FB photos which one has to scroll down through a number of years to find is the same as the attic. Whereas a photo of an ex in a frame is the same as using it as your profile photo.

A quick story: my grandparents never did swap over the photo of me and my ex for the photo of me and my current, despite the fact they'd met him a few times. But they were suffering early stages of dementia / Alzheimers. I was so impressed with my current guy for taking this in his stride.

 

I feel very differently about the bolded. When I divorced, I gave my ex all of the wedding photos (he wanted them and I didn’t). Deleted him from my FB photos. When a post divorce relationship ended in 2015 I went into FB and deleted photos. When I’m really over someone, I don’t want to look back at photos. That’s just me.

 

But also, photos in the attic aren’t accessible to anyone but the person who’s attic it is. FB is different for obvious reasons.

Edited March 15, 2019 by greymatter

[elaine567]

Many would not even date a woman/man who still had pics of her/his wedding on public view on FB. "unfinished business"

Why did you want to marry this woman?

[Lobouspo]

Thanks for the support guys, I really appreciate it. Just to put things in some perspective, we get along great 95% of the time. She's does a lot for me and has a lot of pics on Facebook of us together. We have a lot in common and are compatible in a lot of ways. I just get on here and vent about the bad stuff. I have worked a lot through insecurities and issues of my own to finally really care and trust and love this woman. It hasn't been easy given how I had been hurt in past relationships. Wedding is four months off. I know this is a huge decision. I'm really thinking about seeing a therapist on my own to make a decision about this. I have been dealing with low level depression for sometime I think, and that is something that needs to be addressed as well. Does she have unresolved issues regarding her ex? Probably so, but I have never gotten the vibe that something inappropriate is going on between them.

[Orokotikki]

Did you tell her why? You had an obvious why in your post...

Objectively, how good is your communication (between you two)?

 

There should be a difference in your mind between "working through insecurities" and ignoring warning signs.

 

Just because you had some insecurity issues, dosn't mean you were WRONG to have them...

[fred123]

would it be different issue if it was just an ex and pics of them rather than a wedding?

[olivetree]

I wouldn't assume she has unresolved feelings for her ex.

They were professional engagement shots - she probably looked better in them than usual and you know how narcissistic people are on social media.

At least she finally took them down.

 

I think her double standard is an issue but this isn't the hill I would die on, especially if it's 95% good as you say.

[Lobouspo]

Did you tell her why? You had an obvious why in your post...

Objectively, how good is your communication (between you two)?

 

There should be a difference in your mind between "working through insecurities" and ignoring warning signs.

 

Just because you had some insecurity issues, dosn't mean you were WRONG to have them...

 

 

 

Thanks I appreciate the input. I think communication is ok but definitely something we could both work on. I mean I think she's aware of some of my insecurities and makes it a point not to play on them when she is upset or just to poke at me. Does she have unresolved feelings for the ex? Perhaps. One time she got tearful saying she felt bad about the nasty things she said to him when they broke up. Even though the guy did get charged with a DV and felony False Imprisonment at the tail end of the marriage. (That was the impetus for the divorce I guess).

[Lobouspo]

would it be different issue if it was just an ex and pics of them rather than a wedding?

 

 

Just to be clear, they were not really wedding pics. More like formal engagement pics as they got married in a small civil ceremony that no one else attended

[Orokotikki]

Good luck take care.

[Lobouspo]

So if you have any pics with an ex, she would call off the wedding. She guilted you into removing pics that an ex took of you, in which she was not even in. I actually understand that because those were pics taken in which you formed memories with that ex.

 

BUT...

 

She can have straight up wedding pictures with an ex?

 

I don't understand this at all man. Is this the same one that was sneaking off the bathroom to get privacy on her phone?

 

I would really think twice before getting married. If nothing else, I would get a prenup. I really hate to say that, but the fact you had to strong arm her into this, tells me she is leading the relationship and you are in her frame. Is she like super hot or something? I wouldn't tolerate this at all. The fact you even have to tell her that is concerning. Then to put a guilt trip on you, when she's the one being hypocritical? Manipulation 101.

 

You have to hold your ground here and I would really question if this is really someone I wanted to get into a state-contact with. If simple problems like blatant hypocrisy over FB pics lead her to throw a tantrum, what's going to happen when you two face serious life challenges together?

 

I hope this works out for you man...

 

 

Thanks brother, have always liked your posts. Yup, this is the same one. Honestly, the bathroom thing with the phone maybe just an insecurity thing on my part. She still does it, but I don't really think she's cheating or doing anything inappropriate. Its taken some work but I have just gotten to the point in the last 6 months or so where I can really trust her.