Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

March 10, 2019

I would suggest you figure out a way to get her into MC.

I'm male. There's a very good chance one or more of the excellent women posting on this forum will give you a response that gives you more insight into where your wife may be coming from.

I also think that for many men sex is a need. I think it's not fair to you to remain in a marriage where your needs aren't being met. However, that's a male perspective on the sex aspect. I think some female views are needed to balance that out.

I'd reiterate that MC will still be helpful IMO as I think a trained person working closely with the two of you has the best chance of bringing this to a resolution that's satisfying to both of you. I don't see the logic of MC "facilitating divorce"; to me that sounds nonsensical. I hope your wife can accept MC as an alternative to separation or at least to try it before separating. If she really won't do that there may not be much hope.

Some posters may mention that your wife may be in an affair. I don't get that impression, but it's certainly not outside the realm of possibility.

Edited March 10, 2019 by mark clemson
grammar :-)

March 10, 2019

If your wife doesn't want to have sex with you, I think you ought to respect her wishes and let her be.

Likewise if you still want to enjoy sex at all. Given that your wife has unilaterally decided to stop having sex with you for a long time. You should feel free, to have sex with whoever wants to have sex with you.

That said if you're okay with not having sex, for more than a year and evermore interminably. I encourage you to press on with your wife, and learn to embrace the celibacy which you have chosen.

Good luck.

March 10, 2019

But before we get down to having sex again, I could really go for a good make-out session right about now with my wife! Y'know, rolling around on the floor or on the bed just snogging and cuddling and chatting. That sounds ... divine to me.

That sounds like something she might enjoy, as well. You can talk about current events - anything that doesn't involve your marriage or the kids, etc. You are bringing up memories for me. Some of my best were sitting in bed at night with my husband and playing cards, talking about history or current events, etc. (If only he hadn't threatened to buy a gun and shoot me. *Sigh*)

Hang in there.

March 10, 2019

Sex is an important part of any marriage.

What she's telling you is you don't matter all that much.

In return you are telling her you'll take whatever she dishes out.

Why?

If you don't value yourself I doubt she will.

March 10, 2019

I'm like your wife, but my husband has dealt with it very differently. Menopause has done terrible things to my sex drive. I really hate they way I am because sex used to be really important to me. I saw the dr and tried testosterone supplements. I tried viagra. HRT helped my hot flashes and sleepnessness but made no difference to my sex drive.

Talked to hubby who said "It's OK, this is just going to be a different phase of our relationship" Just as well he had that attitude because now he has functional issues of his own and even if I do find myself horny, I give him the same space and compassion he gave me.

Edited March 10, 2019 by basil67

March 10, 2019

Just a curious question basil, I would think at 56 that she has been through the worst of menopause. Obviously, it’s not the same, but my understanding is that many women continue to enjoy sex after menopause... just wondering if “menopause” is truly to blame?

I think you are grasping at straws when you suggest that she is autistic or bisexual OP? Have you had other concerns about this before the sex dropped off... I would be careful to throw those terms out - I doubt she would appreciate it I feel you ever shared this with her.

I’m sorry you find yourself feeling lonely. You sound like a wonderful husband.

Edited March 10, 2019 by BaileyB

March 10, 2019

Have you considered the possibility that your wife has not stopped having sex?

She's just stopped having it with you.

Could be that she's just being faithful, but not to you.

March 10, 2019

I'll be blunt doyathinkso, while most women enjoy very much having sex with a man who loves her and she loves...there is no power of the D for us. Sorry.

March 10, 2019

My wife got back from a trip last night. It was really, really great to see her. I made sure to dress nicely and greet her at the airport warmly with a hug, kiss, and smile. Nothing too effusive, just obvious low-key happiness. Projecting quiet strength as they teach here on LS seemed to make a difference.

We met some very dear friends for dinner which was wonderful. Afterwards my wife and I had a long talk (I didn't bring up the recent divorce/separation topic [which I guess is suspended indefinitely, thank goodness] because I figured she'll address that when she's ready). I think I'll just focus on being her best ally and be ready to listen to whatever she cares to talk about. I suggested that recent work stress was getting to be a lot and she should think about taking a weekend to herself or perhaps for a trip with a girlfriend, something like that to give her some time to heal and relax. She appreciated the suggestion but she is a CEO/President and remains very focused on her work.

Afterwards in bed there wasn't sex exactly but definitely some mutual arousal, a spark that had been missing. That felt good. I didn't feel frustrated at all but pleased. I mean sure, I would have been delighted to perform oral sex on her if she wanted (or receive same, what a concept) but since she didn't indicate that I figured why push it. Building up to it over time is okay with me. We can get used to interacting sexually again. I like the sound of that.

My wife makes a lot of the meals around here but I think I might like to do some more cooking to give her a break. Plus I really don't minding cleaning up after dinner because it gives me almost meditative "think time."

I feel much more at peace in my marriage at this moment than I have in a long time. It seems that the basic wisdom of not pleading, begging, or crying and not making sweeping romantic gestures is probably the way to go, despite the fact that it is very counterintuitive for me. This ain't the movies. Projecting quiet strength, maturity, and acceptance is a much more powerful stance. It's a matter of confident love.

March 10, 2019

Can she support herself?

Are you reading responses here?

Why are you being so weak? Women don’t respect a weak man.

Have you checked to see who she is cheating with?

Who was on the trip with her? Where did she go? Did she communicate with you while she was away?

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

March 10, 2019

Just a curious question basil, I would think at 56 that she has been through the worst of menopause. Obviously, it’s not the same, but my understanding is that many women continue to enjoy sex after menopause... just wondering if “menopause” is truly to blame?

You know how sex drive is driven by hormones? (why children don't want sex) Menopause happens when women's hormones stop being produced. No hormones = diminished sex drive. All those stopped hormones also lead to vaginal dryness, atrophy and other unpleasant side effects.

I can't speak for other women, so I will simply tell my story. First up, I've been needing HRT for 10 years. If I'd been 50 when I started, then at 56 I'd still be in the worst of it. Many moons ago when I lost my sex drive with my ex-h, I was still super horny for other men and could easily orgasm on my own. These days, my drive is so low that I'm unable to orgasm even with an awesome vibrator for assistance.

Yes, there are some women who continue with a good sex life after menopause. I would imagine those in a new relationship who's adrenaline has kicked in would still do really well. And good luck to them. But we're not all the same.

Last thing is that it makes no biological sense for a woman to retain her sex drive after menopause, as the purpose of a sex drive is to have children

March 10, 2019

Can she support herself?

Yes, she's the primary breadwinner in our household. I would be the one with the financial challenge if we were to split up.

Are you reading responses here?

Yes.

Why are you being so weak? Women don’t respect a weak man.

Perhaps you should read my responses. I have moved away from the less-strong behaviors into stronger ones.

Have you checked to see who she is cheating with?

I think her cheating is very unlikely. In any case, it is not my job to be a private investigator and sniff out some theoretical lover. If she does cheat and wants to tell me about it, I'll deal with it then.

Who was on the trip with her? Where did she go? Did she communicate with you while she was away?

It was only a few days for business with a detour to visit her sick 103-year-old grandmother. It was in distant state. She doesn't travel all that much for business considering her job as a CEO.

March 10, 2019

You know how sex drive is driven by hormones? (why children don't want sex) Menopause happens when women's hormones stop being produced. No hormones = diminished sex drive. All those stopped hormones also lead to vaginal dryness, atrophy and other unpleasant side effects.

I can't speak for other women, so I will simply tell my story. First up, I've been needing HRT for 10 years. If I'd been 50 when I started, then at 56 I'd still be in the worst of it. Many moons ago when I lost my sex drive with my ex-h, I was still super horny for other men and could easily orgasm on my own. These days, my drive is so low that I'm unable to orgasm even with an awesome vibrator for assistance.

Yes, there are some women who continue with a good sex life after menopause. I would imagine those in a new relationship who's adrenaline has kicked in would still do really well. And good luck to them. But we're not all the same.

Last thing is that it makes no biological sense for a woman to retain her sex drive after menopause, as the purpose of a sex drive is to have children

Sex is not driven exclusively by hormones, but perhaps primarily. I think menopause has definitely affected my wife, but it is not the whole story. She is in a midlife identity crisis and she is questioning her life choices, including our marriage. I'm not thrilled but I certainly understand. She could have gone about this is a kinder way and brought me into it a bit sooner, but at least these issues are out in the open now instead of hidden. I figure the best strategy now is to strongly and confidently go about my work, my childcare, my friendships and meanwhile serve my wife well, listen when she wants to talk, and see how things evolve.

I am consciously choosing not to actively woo her because I feel like that approach has backfired so far. I'm also being pleasant but not overly affectionate. We still hug, kiss, say "I love you," etc. I figure that's appropriate for this moment. We've had some moments in bed of mutual sexual arousal but no actual sexual activity and while that's frustrating I have accepted that as the status quo for no without too much angst.

I want a stronger marriage. I want a sex life and a married life that are mutually fulfilling. If there are things to repair, I'm eager to get on with that process.

This woman is worth it. She's brilliant, funny, tenacious, beautiful, and totally sexy. She's a great mother. I legitimately enjoy her company and I'm proud to be her husband. We simply have some work to do.

March 10, 2019

I want a stronger marriage. I want a sex life and a married life that are mutually fulfilling. If there are things to repair, I'm eager to get on with that process.

This woman is worth it. She's brilliant, funny, tenacious, beautiful, and totally sexy. She's a great mother. I legitimately enjoy her company and I'm proud to be her husband. We simply have some work to do.

What if her sex drive has completely tanked?

March 10, 2019

Some woman poster, I forget who, a long time ago said something which seemed to ring true.

I paraphrase

Women don't tend to NEED sex like men do but if a woman is getting a lot of sex, (likely good sex), she tends to want more and more, but if sex is sparse (or bad) then it is a very small leap for her to dispense with sex all together.

March 10, 2019

I know about menopause... she could have a decent sex drive - if she wants to!

Is your knowledge about menopause based on your experiences as a menopausal woman (ie; sample of one)? Or do you have a medical background?

March 10, 2019

Some woman poster, I forget who, a long time ago said something which seemed to ring true.
I paraphrase
Women don't tend to NEED sex like men do but if a woman is getting a lot of sex, (likely good sex), she tends to want more and more, but if sex is sparse (or bad) then it is a very small leap for her to dispense with sex all together.

I would most definitely agree with this.

March 10, 2019

You know how sex drive is driven by hormones? (why children don't want sex) Menopause happens when women's hormones stop being produced. No hormones = diminished sex drive. All those stopped hormones also lead to vaginal dryness, atrophy and other unpleasant side effects.

I can't speak for other women, so I will simply tell my story. First up, I've been needing HRT for 10 years. If I'd been 50 when I started, then at 56 I'd still be in the worst of it. Many moons ago when I lost my sex drive with my ex-h, I was still super horny for other men and could easily orgasm on my own. These days, my drive is so low that I'm unable to orgasm even with an awesome vibrator for assistance.

Yes, there are some women who continue with a good sex life after menopause. I would imagine those in a new relationship who's adrenaline has kicked in would still do really well. And good luck to them. But we're not all the same.

Last thing is that it makes no biological sense for a woman to retain her sex drive after menopause, as the purpose of a sex drive is to have children

Thanks basil. Good information.

My understanding is that many women enter perimenopause in their early to mid-40’s. Depending on when this woman started, she may be in the worst of it or actually done with it. While I don’t discount the effects of menopause on the body, sex drive, etc... I have to wonder if there is more happening here. But of course, we can wonder but we will never be able to say for sure...

Edited March 10, 2019 by BaileyB

March 11, 2019

Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.

Bull.

She's getting it somewhere else.

March 11, 2019

Yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, yeah.

Bull.

She's getting it somewhere else.

Suppose you're right. Let's say my wife has indeed been cheating on me. I'd like to know so I can decide how to respond. I could choose to file for divorce or I could decide to work on repairing the marriage.

However, if she doesn't tell me there is not much I can do to address the cheating issue unless I were to stumble upon some incriminating information ... which is not likely because I don't snoop on my wife's e-mail or phone.

Honestly, I seriously doubt she's having an affair. I mean, anything is possible I suppose ... but it just doesn't seem like something she would do. Now, if she turned out to be bisexual and a lesbian, that would also be upsetting but easier to accept because that's something nobody can do much about.

I would just like to know what I'm dealing with so I can address it but she really isn't giving me that opportunity. It's frustrating. I tried getting her to talk to me about why she might be unhappy in the relationship and (as usual) she said she didn't have the bandwidth to deal with that.

March 11, 2019

I don’t think you want to know what she’s really got going on... if you did you’d start looking for info/evidence.

I want to know. I just don't think launching an investigation makes sense right now.

When she says she doesn’t have the bandwidth to deal with it - that’s disrespectful of you and the marriage.

I feel that way, too.

Do you feel your lesser earning of income puts you in a position of not having the ability to lead within the marriage?

Perhaps but I think it has more to do with our personalities and the relationship dynamics.

Why not make an appointment with a counselor and tell her when the time/day is?

Not a bad idea.

Do you feel there is an inbalance of power in the marriage?

Everyone's marriage has an imbalance of power. It's never exactly 50/50.

March 11, 2019

Alright, I don't think any of the feedback here is about the real issue. I'm just going to be super blunt with you. This will sound mean but I'm not trying to be mean, I'm giving you my point of view straight up.

It's not menopause, it's not that she's bisexual, it's not that she's autistic.

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

You think that going from t-shirt and undies to a pair of pajamas and a robe is more dignified to a CEO who likely overworks herself? No. It's not enough. And depending on her industry, she might be surrounded with lots of men during the day who exude masculine energy, only to come home to a husband who needed a big wake up call to get fully dressed.

She gets angry at your wooing attempts because it comes across as a thinly veiled ask for sex, after months of "browbeating." And she doesn't want to give it. The spark is gone for her and it looks like she doesn't want to be the bad guy who pulls the plug, which is why she has no problem telling you that she understands if you want to leave her and pursue a woman who will have sex with you. I have a hard time believing a physically healthy woman who was actively in love with you and a monogamous type would ever say that.

Frankly, I would be pissed if a guy was blaming marital issues that caused me to lose attraction to him on my hormones. She may not be vocal about what those issues are but I'm sure they are there. She may find them too hurtful to verbalize. From what you stated, you have had long stretches of depression requiring hospitalization, you've gained weight, you're financially dependent on her, she's overworked herself, etc. -- all these things may have built up over years to where she is resentful or doesn't feel the passion anymore. She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.

That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.

These are the real issues in my mind--not her being menopausal, bisexual, lesbian, autistic, an alien, whatever. Come on, man. If you have any shot in hell at repairing this relationship, you've got to stop focusing on the sex and her body chemistry and start looking at the ways the dynamic has changed between the two of you and what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.

But I think it may be too late, tbh.

March 11, 2019

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you.

Right, that's pretty much exactly the thing of which I am afraid.

She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.

Yes, I agree that's very possible. But if that's the case, why won't she name the problem so it can be addressed? I am willing to do the hard work necessary. Why isn't she also willing?

That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.

Well, that puts us both in a pretty difficult spot, I would say.

you've got to stop focusing on the sex

The sex is not the central issue but rather a manifestation of that central issue. BTW, a sexual freezeout by either partner for a year and a half is far from a trivial issue.

what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.

What about the "fully engaged partner" that I deserve? Where did she go? And I have not been disengaged for a single minute of this relationship (except for when I was involuntarily in the throes of a major depression over which I had no control). Edited March 11, 2019 by Rotaglia

March 11, 2019

Alright, I don't think any of the feedback here is about the real issue. I'm just going to be super blunt with you. This will sound mean but I'm not trying to be mean, I'm giving you my point of view straight up.

It's not menopause, it's not that she's bisexual, it's not that she's autistic.

She's checked out, she's done. She's lost attraction to you somewhere along the way. Now she just feels guilty because of your history together, but she doesn't sound like she wants this marriage. She might love you but she doesn't sound IN love with you. She may not want to divide her assets up (the way many breadwinning men don't want to) nor throw out a man she views as being incapable of supporting himself sufficiently onto the streets.

You think that going from t-shirt and undies to a pair of pajamas and a robe is more dignified to a CEO who likely overworks herself? No. It's not enough. And depending on her industry, she might be surrounded with lots of men during the day who exude masculine energy, only to come home to a husband who needed a big wake up call to get fully dressed.

She gets angry at your wooing attempts because it comes across as a thinly veiled ask for sex, after months of "browbeating." And she doesn't want to give it. The spark is gone for her and it looks like she doesn't want to be the bad guy who pulls the plug, which is why she has no problem telling you that she understands if you want to leave her and pursue a woman who will have sex with you. I have a hard time believing a physically healthy woman who was actively in love with you and a monogamous type would ever say that.

Frankly, I would be pissed if a guy was blaming marital issues that caused me to lose attraction to him on my hormones. She may not be vocal about what those issues are but I'm sure they are there. She may find them too hurtful to verbalize. From what you stated, you have had long stretches of depression requiring hospitalization, you've gained weight, you're financially dependent on her, she's overworked herself, etc. -- all these things may have built up over years to where she is resentful or doesn't feel the passion anymore. She may no longer perceive you as the partner that she wants. She sounds totally checked out to me on an emotional level and it's gotten to the point where she doesn't want to be physical anymore.

That may be why she's resistant to marital therapy, too, because she doesn't want to say what the true issue is or she has no actual interest in rebuilding the relationship.

These are the real issues in my mind--not her being menopausal, bisexual, lesbian, autistic, an alien, whatever. Come on, man. If you have any shot in hell at repairing this relationship, you've got to stop focusing on the sex and her body chemistry and start looking at the ways the dynamic has changed between the two of you and what she might need from you as a more fully engaged partner.

But I think it may be too late, tbh.

I have to agree with this... ^^^ I'm in the same situation. Your wife has lost attraction to you. She's checked out. She likes you and she cares about you, but you are not sexually attractive to her as a man anymore. She wants to be on her own. You haven't had sex for ages. Now, you can try and woo her back, but it won't work. Like me, unless you want a life of celibacy, you have one only option: divorce. Or you could just separate. You will come to terms with this. Yes, it's difficult, but it's the reality. Personally, I'm still angry and I haven't recovered yet. I'm still thinking: how could you that to me after all these years. But the reality is that these things happen. My wife couldn't care less now. She's checked out. And she is having a nice time not having to put up with me... And I have given up trying. It's over.

Edited March 11, 2019 by giotto

March 11, 2019

But if that's the case, why won't she name the problem so it can be addressed? I am willing to do the hard work necessary. Why isn't she also willing?

Because if healing light is right in her well thought out assessment and she probably is, then it is because your wife is DONE.

Have you never been in a relationship where you didn't hate the other person, but you saw no future, where you were no longer interested in fixing anything, where you really wanted out but were staying through force of habit, or you didn't want to hurt the other person, or you were unsure where your bread was best buttered?

Marriage has made this a bit more complicated than a bf/gf arrangement and she sticks around, but the feelings regarding the futility of the situation are no doubt the same.

Sex went out the window as a "roommate relationship" is more applicable to the situation you find yourselves in.

(btw - forget the pyjamas and robe. Not sexy, few guys can rock that look.

A bit child like too, to be wearing them around the house. You are not a sick kid. They are bedroom attire, keep them in there.)

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