Wife Doesn't Want Sex, Doubts Marriage

[elaine567]

I still believe she is just gone off sex, for whatever reason... it happens...

 

That is why I capitalised the IF...

[giotto]

That is why I capitalised the IF...

 

ah, missed that, sorry...

[Rotaglia]

OP, if you feel you must acknowledge the anniversary, then slap a card (a non-romantic one, signed only with your name) and a bundle of flowers (preferably wilted - lol) on the kitchen counter for her to find. Then make yourself busy for the rest of the day. What’s all his sweat about disappointment and humiliation? Do you have any control at all in this marriage? Any control at all over these romantic fantasies about a wife who has physically and emotionally checked out of your marriage?

It’s all so very, very strange. I just got back from a trip and she seemed genuinely happy to see me and I was glad to see her, too. Conversations are very pleasant. I was, of course, psyched to see our twelve-year-old daughter and our dog. We exchange embraces and I guess what you would call semi-romantic kisses.

 

Nighttime is the oddest part. I like to sleep in the nude and on most nights I spoon with my wife which is rather arousing for me but of course nothing happens (and I am not open to sex at this point ... er, well, not very open ... nope, definitely not open). This morning I offered to handle some chores and she remarked that I'm a "good husband." I replied, "Yes, you're darn tootin' I am." It’s rather confusing. This is not a romantic or sexual thing, but whatever it is I really can't be sure.

 

It feels like a slow, inexorable slide to divorce to me.

[pepperbird]

op,

this is another one of those threads where everyone comes up with all sorts of possibilities for why the wife n question may have gone off sex.

 

 

It could be menopause, depression, exhaustion, illness, if she's autistic and has issues with sensory processing it could also affect her sex drive.

 

The simple fact is you will never know unless she tells you, and it may be very difficult for her to do so. If she is autistic, this advice may help.

 

 

I'm autistic, and talking about my feelings ( note I said talking) just doesn't work for me. What works really well is writing them out. Perhaps that would work for your wife?

 

Invite her out for a coffee. Buy some, and sit at a table or in your car. Before you go, write out a long letter to her in which you pour out ALL your thoughts and feelings. Be honest and don't be afraid she will be hurt ( so long as you aren't going out of your way to be mean) and take as much time as you need to pin all your thoughts down.

 

Now for the hard part. Give it to her to read and ask for her to respond. Tell her you don't want to talk about it, but ask her to write a response, taking whatever time she needs. Once she is ready, read it together and then talk. The reason I said to do this in a public place is that it's not going to be an easy operation, and she may try and wiggle out of it if you do this at home.

 

Also, keep in mind that no one on here knows your wife or her side of the story.

[Rotaglia]

I'm autistic, and talking about my feelings ( note I said talking) just doesn't work for me. What works really well is writing them out. Perhaps that would work for your wife?

I have thought of asking her if my writing her a letter would be easier for her than a long talk. Interesting that you are suggesting the same.

[Marc878]

You're wallowing at this time. You can read books, do chores, by flowers and cards, etc.

 

She just doesn't care about you or your needs.

 

You're only options are to get out of this sexless marriage or become a monk.

 

Kissing her ass won't get you a thing bud.

[bathtub-row]

I think you got this a$$ backwards! SHE should be explaining things to YOU, not the other way around!!!

 

Stop trying to stoop to a lower level to appease her sense of disregarding you.

 

Just stop!

 

Damn... she owes YOU explanations!

 

Amen. All this coddling and bowing to her really nauseates me. If my spouse rejected me in such a way with no explanation, I’d be pissed. And I sure as hell wouldn’t sleep in the same bed with them and cuddle them. Nuts.

[Rotaglia]

It would certainly behoove my wife to apologize quite profusely for her past behavior. Her future behavior toward me is extremely important, obviously. I am definitely wary of her but I think there remains a sliver of hope that the marriage can be saved. It may not be the most likely outcome, but it is possible. I will keep it low-key and observe.

 

Kissing her ass won't get you a thing bud.

Is that an option? Do you think she'd let me do that?

 

Just kidding. ;-)

[giotto]

Is that an option? Do you think she'd let me do that?

 

Just kidding. ;-)

 

You are still in the "hopeful" phase... you are still hoping she will change her mind. She won't... not after 18 months... you will accept it eventually, but it's going to take a looooong time... also, try not to think it's all your fault. It never is. I know it's difficult, but do not over-analyse it.

[standtall]

I have thought of asking her if my writing her a letter would be easier for her than a long talk. Interesting that you are suggesting the same.

 

Dude, tell her in said letter...don't ask for her permission to write her a letter....and explain to her that she owes it to her marriage to fully explain her position. If she doesn't, this one is easy...either live in a sexless marriage, or divorce, and make sure she knows that, then file.

[pepperbird]

I have thought of asking her if my writing her a letter would be easier for her than a long talk. Interesting that you are suggesting the same.

 

 

A lot of autistics are more comfortable with the written word than they are with speaking. My adult daughter is also autistic, and she's a published author. Talk to her in person? She's very different. It's the same with my son. He's almost nonverbal, so we often communicate using emails.

[pepperbird]

One more thing.

Please avoid any attempts to manipulate her into having sex. Don't do the " we're getting divorced if things don't change" unless you are 100 percent committed to actually following through.

I would also let her know that she can be free to give whatever reason she has lost interest without being afraid of hurting your feelings. Women are often given the message early on that men have very fragile egos, and we have to tip toe around any perceived criticisms of their sexual technique. While many women are able to work around this, some find it hard.

[Rotaglia]

Dude, tell her in said letter...don't ask for her permission to write her a letter....and explain to her that she owes it to her marriage to fully explain her position. If she doesn't, this one is easy...either live in a sexless marriage, or divorce, and make sure she knows that, then file.

I've already made it 100% clear that a sexless marriage is not an option for me. She has also acknowledged that a sexless marriage is not her goal and moreover it would not be fair to me. Could there be an opening to restoring the relationship? Maybe. Probably not likely, but maybe.

 

Also, we shared a rather delicious and racy series of kisses last night. It doesn't mean much by itself, but perhaps—just perhaps—a cautious sexual rapprochement is possible and maybe a thorough apology from her might at last be forthcoming and a sensible and livable "sex policy" could be put in place with which we both could live with and thus preserve the marriage.

 

I told her I really enjoyed the sexy kisses and she said she did too. We smile at each other a lot more. I am feeling less sullen and rejected. I am endeavoring to keep my cool and not to seem over-eager or even all that interested save for the occasional sly glance. Okay, so I may have checked out her rear-end when she was bending over recently. So sue me. I don't think she caught me. I certainly hope she didn't catch me. Because then she'd have to punish me and that would be bad.

 

My shrink is on speed-dial.

 

It's a longshot and there are a heck of a lot of "ifs," but why not give it a shot? Divorce sucks.

[Rotaglia]

One more thing.

Please avoid any attempts to manipulate her into having sex. Don't do the " we're getting divorced if things don't change" unless you are 100 percent committed to actually following through.

Roger that. I will refrain.

I would also let her know that she can be free to give whatever reason she has lost interest without being afraid of hurting your feelings. Women are often given the message early on that men have very fragile egos, and we have to tip toe around any perceived criticisms of their sexual technique. While many women are able to work around this, some find it hard.

Realistically, whatever reason she could come up with is going to hurt my feelings at least a little bit. The key would be persuading her that it is worth having the discussion anyway.

 

I'm still very concerned that she didn't bring it up for eighteen months, but I would be willing to give her a pass on that if she would acknowledge how hurtful that was and that it was an error in judgment on her part.

 

Of course, if the cause of all this is an affair on her part ... then we have a real mess.

[Rotaglia]

Unconditional love does not require me to stay married to someone if the relationship fundamentally does not work. However, I am beginning to believe that I may have viewed our recent experiences a bit too darkly. Perhaps there is an opportunity for growth, healing, and greater closeness than we had before. We could emerge from this painful episode with an even greater sense of intimacy.

 

On the other hand, it certainly could plunge even further into total disaster. One has to figure that is a definitely possibility.

 

There are no guarantees in life or marriage. It's always a calculated risk.

[Rotaglia]

Unconditional love is a far stretch from respecting and communicating a loved one. Don’t mix the two up.

 

She’s been calculated in squeezing you out of the physical intimacy - why are you now making excuses for her and hoping things will improve?

 

I don’t think you’re looking at her actions clearly - she hasn’t been loving to you... heck, she won’t even tell you why she’s doing it this way!

 

You tell her - “if you won’t tell me why, I’m divorcing you!” And “if this isn’t likely to improve - we are done!”

 

Stop “hoping for” things to be different than the way they are... you’re being weak.

I understand your point-of-view. I think there is cause for optimism here. Yes, I will have to very careful and do my research. The idea here is to either depart via divorce or stay with a stronger marriage: win-win for me.

[pepperbird]

op,

I would take all advice you read on here (including mine) with a grain of salt. Sometimes, there is a big push to divorce when it isn't the best course of action. Other times, people are told their spouse must be cheating, when that isn't the case.

 

 

One more suggetsion, and it may or may not be a good one. If your wife has trouble opening up, how is she after a glass or two of her favourite wine or maybe some 420 ( if it's legal where you live). I'm not saying you should get her drunk/intoxicated, but it might help her to relax and open up a bit. It can also be romantic...at least, the wine.

[Rotaglia]

op,

I would take all advice you read on here (including mine) with a grain of salt. Sometimes, there is a big push to divorce when it isn't the best course of action. Other times, people are told their spouse must be cheating, when that isn't the case.

Indeed. I am new here but it seems to me that a lot of the opinions expressed here are fairly strident.

 

One more suggetsion, and it may or may not be a good one. If your wife has trouble opening up, how is she after a glass or two of her favourite wine or maybe some 420 ( if it's legal where you live). I'm not saying you should get her drunk/intoxicated, but it might help her to relax and open up a bit. It can also be romantic...at least, the wine.

Interesting idea.

[Rotaglia]

You are still not taking action to change things.

Expect things to remain the same.

Your idea of "taking action" involves snooping on my wife to find an affair for which there is little evidence and filing for divorce. Both actions are declarations of war unlikely to lead to full reconciliation/restoration, which is my goal. Yes, people do get back together after filing but the relationship is often not the same (in a bad way) afterwards.

[standtall]

Your idea of "taking action" involves snooping on my wife to find an affair for which there is little evidence and filing for divorce. Both actions are declarations of war unlikely to lead to full reconciliation/restoration, which is my goal. Yes, people do get back together after filing but the relationship is often not the same (in a bad way) afterwards.

 

Snooping about whether or not your wife....who swore off sex with you....is having an affair is certainly not a declaration of war.

 

OP, it seems you asked for advice here, but you have shut down every bit of it...from the whole chorus of respondents. I have to ask...what is your purpose here? What do you hope to achieve? A full reconciliation? As you have found out...based on experience...that is unlikely.

[Rotaglia]

Go ahead - live without sex. That’s what you get for not being strong enough to stand up to her and say “hell no, this isn’t enough for me!”

 

She’s cuckholding you... and you are rewarding her for that every time you do things for her!

 

Stop doing everything at home! Tell her “I don’t feel like it and I owe you NO explanation!” Or start crying like she does.

 

You are participating in such a weak fashion that she doesn’t even have to tell you why.

 

It’s obvious why. You are just unable to face it.

Okay, I just logged on to our bank account and checked a year's worth of very boring credit card charges and found absolutely nothing suspicious. Are you happy now?

[giotto]

OP, it seems you asked for advice here, but you have shut down every bit of it...from the whole chorus of respondents. I have to ask...what is your purpose here? What do you hope to achieve? A full reconciliation? As you have found out...based on experience...that is unlikely.

 

The OP is looking for a full reconciliation. I believe it's rather unlikely, having been in his shoes. He only needs a couple of kisses and he melts like a snowflake in the sun... even my wife said we could be physical in a non sexual way. This is what she wants from you. You have proved her that you are happy with just kisses. She can do that and she is glad she doesn't have to have sex with you ever again! And she gets to keep you there.

[elaine567]

He only needs a couple of kisses and he melts like a snowflake in the sun... even my wife said we could be physical in a non sexual way. This is what she wants from you. You have proved her that you are happy with just kisses. She can do that and she is glad she doesn't have to have sex with you ever again! And she gets to keep you there.

 

I guess she tolerated the sexy kisses as she now feels she trusts you not to escalate it into sex.

The less you press for sex, the more physical she can be, but any hint that things are turning to actual sex like groping or touching and she will likely shut it down.

This is about shoring up boundaries, "I will go there, but not there" It is probably not real progress IMO. I guess she was always up for sexy kissing but did not want to lead you on, to think sex was possible.

Now you are being more "sensible", sexy kissing is allowed

 

BUT bottom line, sex is still off the menu.

 

We had one male poster here, I forget all the details but sex was dwindling.

One day he and is wife shard a bottle of wine and they ended up in a heavy make out session, deep sexy kissing and then they had the best sex he had had in years.

It was however not sustained.

My take is that he, that afternoon managed to actually turn her on and the sex flowed from there, it was raw desire, she couldn't help herself.

The rest was duty sex and she had little or no interest in providing it.

[giotto]

I guess she tolerated the sexy kisses as she now feels she trusts you not to escalate it into sex.

The less you press for sex, the more physical she can be, but any hint that things are turning to actual sex like groping or touching and she will likely shut it down.

This is about shoring up boundaries, "I will go there, but not there" It is probably not real progress IMO. I guess she was always up for sexy kissing but did not want to lead you on, to think sex was possible.

Now you are being more "sensible", sexy kissing is allowed

 

BUT bottom line, sex is still off the menu.

 

We had one male poster here, I forget all the details but sex was dwindling.

One day he and is wife shard a bottle of wine and they ended up in a heavy make out session, deep sexy kissing and then they had the best sex he had had in years.

It was however not sustained.

My take is that he, that afternoon managed to actually turn her on and the sex flowed from there, it was raw desire, she couldn't help herself.

The rest was duty sex and she had little or no interest in providing it.

 

 

Unfortunately, it sounds very familiar and I agree with this analysis...

[Rotaglia]

These are very good points. I am not looking for a single act of sex but a full sexual relationship in which we both that our sexuality is welcomed and we each feel desired, treasured, and fulfilled. It is far from clear that this what my wife has in mind.