Do I have unrealistic expectations or if he’s just not that into me

[Scarlett.O'hara]

I think it would be a shame to end things after a couple of months without even giving him a chance to rectify the situation. For all you know he might just be trying to play it cool because he thinks that is what you want?

 

From what you have written, it is certainly possible that you may have given that impression.

 

You can either directly tell him you want more texts and communication between dates, or go the more subtle route of positive reinforcement, "It's nice to hear from you, "I was just thinking about you ;)". Encourage him to keep doing it by making him feel really good about it.

 

If that kind of talk doesn't work for you, just try more open ended questions, and show an interest. Keep the conversation going, and end with an invitation to do it again, "Gotta go now, but it would be nice to chat again soon" or "Text me tomorrow, I want to hear how ... went". You get the idea.

 

All this will hopefully start a new pattern of texting. Who knows, this guy might actually be a good match for you. Just give him a chance.

[Curiousroxy86]

I don’t multi-date I hate it. I also hate to think they’re multi-dating also but that’s just life.

 

How long would you normally wait for? I think 2 months seem like a good timeframe so I would give it enough time but also not so soon that I’d write off something potentially good. I have a feeling tho next time I see him again, it’s gonna feel like date 1.5

 

 

to answer your question I give any suitor 2 months (maybe three if I really like him) to ask me to be his girlfriend. however communication? I never really thought of a timeline for that lol because a) I multi date and dont have to focus on one guy who may not be giving me what I want/need for a potential relationship b) at two-three months im canning any guy that hasnt asked for exclusivity anyway or they all get ignored because I end up choosing to be in an exclusive relationship with someone else.

 

hm I am trying to imagine what it would be like if I didnt multi date....

 

honestly I think I would have a lower tolerance for guys who dont show compatibility on things I find important lol. like if a guy didnt call everyday and he was the only one im seeing??? yeah I would probably stop talking to him in a month maybe less lol.

 

do what your comfortable with but you have to see the problem with choosing to be exclusive to a guy thats not your boyfriend when you really havent gotten to know if yall are even compatible (you already disagree with communication styles already). your giving exclusivity automatically and he haven't even earned it or shown you that yall are on the same page. thats why I am not a fan of the idea not to multi date. like I said you would have to deal with the way things are with a guy until you decide to cut him loose all together.

 

and the more time you spend with the wrong guy or trying to fit some guy to your liking you take away the time to meet someone who is a better fit. a major reason why I scoff at the idea to not multi date.

 

when a guy shows you that yall are on the same page. not just interested but he contacts you consistently, see you consistently, and he is acting very much like a boyfriend investing his time and energy theeeeeen you can see only him because he is actually showing you something.

 

but thats just my chump change. take it or leave it.

[kendahke]

Im needy because I want one text a day which takes 2 mins max to send?

 

when it comes to this particular guy who is demonstrating to you that he's not going to do this for you, yes. It's not like he doesn't know what you want. You've told him. You can't climb into his head and direct his will.

 

How am I supposed to make a decision if I wanna be in a relationship with someone after such a short amount of time lol. ThatÂ’s why texting is important for getting to know each other.

 

He's made that decision for you---he's not going to be that guy for you. He's not going to be getting to know you over texting, he's not going to be dropping daily texts. If he needs to know more about you, he will do it on his time table, not yours.

 

Knowing this now, you are volunteering for this treatment if you stick around. Volunteers can't complain.

[allofme]

Thanks guys. Your comments do make me think.

 

@kendahke we never talked about communication issues.

 

However, after 2 days of no contact from him, I thought I’d message and see how he is. He said he’s still unwell. I said I’ll go visit him and rub his chest with Vicks (in a more flirty way). Guess what he said? “Thanks. I need to stop drinking”

 

Lmfao, girls, this is me done.

[Versacehottie]

Well I do think you are a dichotomy and slightly different than normal girl behavior that a guy might expect. Just from these posts I got a very independent vibe specifically needing space and playing by your own rules. that's one reason why I don't think you need to follow the "norm" with regard to initiating because you aren't playing the "game" the way it's normally played. See this guy is already walking on eggshells a bit and deferring to what you like (regarding sleeping arrangements); sounds a little timid, genuine so far to me, and perhaps a loner in his way, needing some space or inexperienced with dating or really doesn't play by the "rules" as norm.

 

I do think it could be good to dial back on the independence talk not necessarily to hide who you are but you do realize saying all this is akin to "throwing down your boundaries" and letting a person know just how they WON'T fit into your life, right? It's just not bound to draw people in--when you basically inform them of all the ways you don't need others in your life.

 

And for the dichotomy part, well you obviously DO need/want someone in your life or you wouldn't be here wondering about your dating and this guy so you gotta figure it out, how best to present yourself in a way that is authentic AND draws the right guys toward you.

 

It does sound like you are very "logical" about things. Which for some people can lead to overthinking, especially if you think dating is a puzzle or formula to figure out. Such as your wondering about the "timeframe" to give it for this guy? Idk, if what i was saying was really advocating it but more questioning it! I was pretty much saying that emotionally-minded women who are less logical or looking for a formula wouldn't like it thus wouldn't hang in there. No real formula there of time to give it. If they were already hooked in some way to the guy but annoyed by this behavior, they would probably react emotionally with this new guy and try to change it, or try to manipulate (meaning that in a nice way though it could be either), call him out or cut him off--all almost emotional reactions. I think it's interesting because i don't know many people like you that want to hang in there for a set amount of time when the behavior already isn't to their liking and they aren't particularly invested. If you keep posting, i'm sure we could help you out--not to do it any way but your own but to find a way within yourself that will be more successful.

 

As far as guys, being judgey about first date or "too early" sex, good guys think this, in spite of you having never heard it said aloud. I think if a guy is an otherwise decent guy, he's not inclined to VOICE it much/at all. Sometimes it not for double standard reasons but i think they inherently know if they sleep with you as tempted as they may be and go for it in the moment, afterward they feel it's a mistake because they haven't spent enough time with you to WANT to CHOOSE being in a relationship--yet they feel that's what you will want and it's hard to backtrack in most ways after you've slept together. The expectation level is usually just higher. And that feels like pressure (which it is to both people, more pressure to whoever is less "ready" to be relationship ready to go). Anyway something to think about. Not trying to change your mind. I would just say maybe you should say something about your thought process so they don't feel as much pressure. I think you just also might have to expect that the way things will happen for you relationship wise might be less traditional if you take this route. Take sex out of the equation and you've had 1 or 2 dates, for some guys at those intervals, you don't hear from them much in between setting up the dates. Since sex is more something you get out of the way (for lack of better wording) up front, I don't think you SHOULD factor it into the equation as far as how much this guy contacts you. He's not disappearing so he doesn't sound like he's judgey. It's not a different level of contact than he did before. So i think you just have to decide whether you can accept that he just might not like to text and keep the connection going on that way. People have their boundaries in a variety of ways. You have yours in your ways and he may have his in this way--where he sees texting as an interference and waste of time and prefers it for quick, relay of info.

 

I guess you just need to decide if you can accept him for this or not. I don't think it will get much better in this initial dating period because there is no incentive for it to and it has not been in his behavior so far.

[allofme]

@versacehottie thanks for your reply. Very thoughtful.

Yeah the timeline thing, I was really just trying to give myself a time before I write someone off. I tend to not give people a chance very early into dating so I just wanted to give myself a mental deadline. Yes I overanalyse everything it’s bad. I’m so logical that i can actually feel emotional abut my own logics lol my girlfriends think I overthink too much too and tend to want everything to happen at once.

 

For the sex thing, I defo put a lot of emphasis on sex and am one of those people who have a high sex drive so I tend to have sex either first or second date. I don’t think I tend to expect more from a guy after we have sex. I however tend to expect more if a guy seemed interested and he seemed good on paper? That’s a huge drawback of mine. I get attached very quickly because I don’t fall for anyone easily. I don’t even have to fall for someone to get a tiny bit attached. This is where I don’t know how I should feel early stage of dating. Sometimes I felt that I should feel excited or at least care about if he texts back or not. Other times I felt that I should just feel nothing before 4th or 5th date because they are practically strangers to me before that point and I shouldn’t care what a stranger thinks about me.

 

I don’t know how I should act in dating, especially after being single for so long. And I have only experienced men who show interests by texting me daily and taking me out every weekend. I haven’t yet made it with someone who did otherwise. And I don’t feel like initiating or showing too much interests before I feel comfortable that they are indeed interested. I’m learning and getting better. I just feel really difficult to be vulnerable really. And I give power away to these strangers too easily without knowing it.

[allofme]

update:

 

He said he fell ill. Didn’t reply to my messages for more than 2 days. Then weekend came he said he’s now ok and asked about my plans. I didn’t reply. The next day he sent another message. We texted a bit and he said he’s now very busy and have a deadline. He asked me what I’m doing for the night and hope we could hang out soon. I said I would ask him out tonight if he wasn’t so busy. Then no reply for a few hours. Oh well

 

My guy friend said he’s either slow and boring, scared of rejection or not interested. In any case, I took in your suggestions and went back to the apps. Ended up talking to this guy with who i previously planned to meet up but I went away for holidays so that was that. He seemed nice so we’ll see how it goes. I think I’m going to do multidating from now on. Wouldn’t hurt trying something new

[Versacehottie]

update:

 

He said he fell ill. Didn’t reply to my messages for more than 2 days. Then weekend came he said he’s now ok and asked about my plans. I didn’t reply. The next day he sent another message. We texted a bit and he said he’s now very busy and have a deadline. He asked me what I’m doing for the night and hope we could hang out soon. I said I would ask him out tonight if he wasn’t so busy. Then no reply for a few hours. Oh well

 

My guy friend said he’s either slow and boring, scared of rejection or not interested. In any case, I took in your suggestions and went back to the apps. Ended up talking to this guy with who i previously planned to meet up but I went away for holidays so that was that. He seemed nice so we’ll see how it goes. I think I’m going to do multidating from now on. Wouldn’t hurt trying something new

 

Why are you playing this game? Unless you didn't trust that he was sick. I think you have standards for the guys that date you that you don't adhere to yourself and it just ends it a standoff kinda. Like you are emotionally scared or distant.

 

I do agree with your friend's assessment of why this guy might be acting this way. I personally believe that you should put your best forward in a confident way and not get too caught up in all the ways he could be playing you. Choose positive thoughts over negative. If you are that cautious, you can never open up and will treat the one you hope to love as an adversary, which won't go well.

 

Glad you are going to try multi dating. It's rare that I get stumped by someone on here. I think you are an unusual type (meant in best possible way) in that you are emotionally removed yet long for a relationship. There are a lot of things that contradict each other in your behavior (don't mean this in a mean way, only that it's confusing and sure it is to you as well and is more complicated to sort out). I think multi dating is good. We are talking about the first handful of dates so it's harmless. I think it would be good for you. It will help you lower expectations for whoever you are dating casually (first handful are almost always going to be that). I think it will give you dating practice and that you may find yourself open up to people. Also I think you will connect more with your emotional side which will be the part to pick a favorite guy rather than "hang in there" with guys just because you would like to be in relationship. In other words, you need to find the emotional connection and i think this will help you. Also it doesn't waste your time. As a rational, logical thinker, I think you probably invest and put 'some' sort of pressure on the situation in an effort to find out if you guys are a match. (different than the sort of pressure the majority of girls do when they really like a guy specifically). But still you are looking for progress so you can "tell" if you'd be right together, which requires dates and consistency, etc. almost like a relationship or heading that way. You will typically find yourself stalling a bit more if you are talking to multiple people because you are trying to juggle giving certain ones a chance and just pure time. It usually changes the dynamic to them chasing you versas whatever is going on now. I think it will be more successful than wasting 2 months on a guy only to discover what you are suspecting now that he is NOT the one haha.

 

Ok good luck.