Do I have unrealistic expectations or if he’s just not that into me

[Versacehottie]

Girl you need to realize and expect that people have different texting styles. And reign in your uncertainty because it is causing you to do game playing things and mind tricks on yourself that will only hurt your chances not protect you in any way. For example, what BENEFIT does it give you to assume that ALL guys will respond to your text in the same manner? None. That belief system does not allow for the variation that most definitely exists. All it does is send you down the slippery slope of doubt and into negative thinking, belief patterns that have you taking tactics and assuming an adversarial position with him (or whoever you are dating). You are so caught up in getting the answer that your anxiety or negative belief patterns need for reassurance that you are IGNORING the equally positive thing that happened: he reached out to you happily and tried in a subtle way for THIRD time to book a date with you. IMO, that outweighs the fact that he did not text you back immediately or during your day trip.

 

To analyze the texting pace, I would say the most probable reason is that you said you were busy today so he is leaving it alone for the day rather than appear needy. He also got what he was really texting about which was your availability and confirmation that you are interested in another date. He also might be setting a pace that is sustainable, that doesn't over-promise or lock him into a relationship until you guys know each other better. He also might not be a huge texter and prefer to talk in person. He, lastly, has already picked up on the fact that you have a tendency to be skittish and withdrawn and is giving you space that you conveyed to him (perhaps inaccurately but still) that is necessary for you when you keep playing it cool. I find his lack of response immediately not that big of a deal.

 

Hang in there. From how you described your morning convo, i'd say your vibe was more upbeat and encouraging so that's good. Do your best with your part. That's all you can do really. Stop obsessing. Good luck

[basil67]

Well if he was super interested he would not lose interest that easily.

 

Why would a guy sustain that interest when at the end of a date, he couldn't get a response about meeting again?

[allofme]

@versacehottie I see where you’re coming from but just like how people were saying I appeared uninterested, his lack of communication conveyed similar message to me. This is only based on my experience that guys who were truly interested would maintain that sort of communication style. I have not been proven otherwise so I don’t know.

[SophieG]

@allofme But if he sensed that you weren't interested or lukewarm about him (you know, since he asked for another date twice, and you dodged both times) why would you expect him to be super interested via text?

[Versacehottie]

@versacehottie I see where you’re coming from but just like how people were saying I appeared uninterested, his lack of communication conveyed similar message to me. This is only based on my experience that guys who were truly interested would maintain that sort of communication style. I have not been proven otherwise so I don’t know.

 

I think you have a point above. Though i think you should STILL lead with your best foot and not blow it because of how you interpret things. Not everyone does texting the same. If it bothers you and you feel dismissed by it, you can stop being interested in him. I take it from this thread that you are still interested in him so you need to proceed as if you are still getting to know him. So be cautious but create positive interactions and develop look to understand him and create good thoughts not create adversarial ones. I fear for you that you are so worried about being burned and the power struggle that you play the game wrong.

 

If you know you will be fine no matter what happens, it will be easier to bring your best to a situation and not blow it and you will have more power on your side. It will easier to be authentic and draw the right person toward you. And legitimately not allow the wrong ones in. You don't have enough information on whether this guy is the wrong or right one for you. Trust yourself that you know how to get it effectively and in due time. Don't blow it before that time. Gather info along the way.

[basil67]

his lack of communication conveyed similar message to me. This is only based on my experience that guys who were truly interested would maintain that sort of communication style. I have not been proven otherwise so I don’t know.

 

He was super enthusiastic, asking twice to see you again. You were cool and put him off. His cooling communication is a direct result of you appearing disinterested.

 

Yes, some guys would keep pushing to see you again. But those who don't want to risk wasting their time would not.

[allofme]

He was super enthusiastic, asking twice to see you again. You were cool and put him off. His cooling communication is a direct result of you appearing disinterested.

 

Yes, some guys would keep pushing to see you again. But those who don't want to risk wasting their time would not.

 

I’m not sure if you read my latest comments but I think we’re talking about different things here.

[allofme]

I think you have a point above. Though i think you should STILL lead with your best foot and not blow it because of how you interpret things. Not everyone does texting the same. If it bothers you and you feel dismissed by it, you can stop being interested in him. I take it from this thread that you are still interested in him so you need to proceed as if you are still getting to know him. So be cautious but create positive interactions and develop look to understand him and create good thoughts not create adversarial ones. I fear for you that you are so worried about being burned and the power struggle that you play the game wrong.

 

If you know you will be fine no matter what happens, it will be easier to bring your best to a situation and not blow it and you will have more power on your side. It will easier to be authentic and draw the right person toward you. And legitimately not allow the wrong ones in. You don't have enough information on whether this guy is the wrong or right one for you. Trust yourself that you know how to get it effectively and in due time. Don't blow it before that time. Gather info along the way.

 

 

Thank you. I am learning to be more patient and not write guys off so easily. Sometimes I wrote them off before I even went on a date no matter how good looking and good on paper they are and how interesting our text convo are.

 

And the learning to show interests bit

[frus69]

Why would a guy sustain that interest when at the end of a date, he couldn't get a response about meeting again?

 

No I don't think just a few words will scare a guy off( unless OP appeared disinterested the whole date). At worst it may have made him unsure. That's why I suggest OP to ask him out and if he was interested at the beginning he would still say yes. Wouldn't have been scared away already.

 

And sounds like OP has already told him " yeah we should catch up. I'm free xx and xx day"? That's enough invitation really..

[Grey40]

He asked when he could see you and you didn't give him an answer, you brushed it off. He probably thinks you didn't enjoy the date. When that happens to me though, I always try to ask the girl out for a second date anyways If I'm interested, because you never know. I think you should text him and tell him what day you're free if you want this to continue.

[allofme]

After I posted last time, the guy asked me out again and we met up for a second date. It was really fun and I stayed over the night (we had sex first date anyways. I prefer to have sex sooner than later. Mind you I don’t date much at all). He doesn’t text much. I’d say he would only text once every two or three days max, if I don’t initiate a text. And whenever we do text, it’s very brief and we don’t do the “get to know you” thing via texts. I could tell he was very keen when we met in person and he already said he wants a third date.

 

I’m trying to be patient with this one since all my past relationships were faster paced than this, emotionally. However, I feel that so far in between dates, I don’t know this guy at all and if he doesn’t text me or anything ever again, I’d even feel partial as there’s so little communication in between compared to what I’m used to. He made it clear right from the start tho he’s looking for something serious.

 

When do I decide if this is a deal breaker for me? I’m thinking about giving it 2 months max. I literally can’t say for sure if he’s interested or not. And if someone asks me if I’ll see him again I’d say I’m not sure. How can you be sure if you will see someone again if you just don’t hear from him much??

Edited March 11, 2019 by allofme

[Mrs._December]

After I posted last time, the guy asked me out again and we met up for a second date. It was really fun and I stayed over the night (we had sex first date anyways. I prefer to have sex sooner than later.

Just a thought out of left field, but there are guys out there who simply feel they don't have to 'work' that hard with women who sleep with them right out the gate - like on a first date.

 

Call me sexist all you want, but the fact remains that there are still plenty of guys out there who don't consider women who sleep with them right away 'girlfriend' material. Hell, not that long ago a good friend of mine at work (a guy who's 31 years old) was all excited about an upcoming date with a young woman he was going to meet for the first time from his dating site. The morning after his date, he was telling me all about it and told me she'd ended up staying at his place at the end of the night. I asked him if he'd be seeing her again and if they hit it off well and all that stuff, and he said that he'd be seeing her again 'but it's not like she's girlfriend material or anything.' His words, not mine.

 

It could be that this guy holds onto the same belief and just enjoys spending time with you but doesn't see it progressing any farther than that.

[allofme]

Just a thought out of left field, but there are guys out there who simply feel they don't have to 'work' that hard with women who sleep with them right out the gate - like on a first date.

 

Call me sexist all you want, but the fact remains that there are still plenty of guys out there who don't consider women who sleep with them right away 'girlfriend' material. Hell, not that long ago a good friend of mine at work (a guy who's 31 years old) was all excited about an upcoming date with a young woman he was going to meet for the first time from his dating site. The morning after his date, he was telling me all about it and told me she'd ended up staying at his place at the end of the night. I asked him if he'd be seeing her again and if they hit it off well and all that stuff, and he said that he'd be seeing her again 'but it's not like she's girlfriend material or anything.' His words, not mine.

 

It could be that this guy holds onto the same belief and just enjoys spending time with you but doesn't see it progressing any farther than that.

 

 

Oh I’m pretty sure guys like that are out there. Maybe he’s misogynist and a hypocrite, maybe she’s **** in bed. Who knows? I put a lot of value in sex and I’m not gonna waste another date on a guy if the sex is bad. Mind you I’ve always slept with my exes on first dates. Most of my ex relationships were long term. If a guy asks me to go back to his on a first date and judge me after? I avoid those guys like a plague.

 

Whenever I withhold sex, that’s because I didn’t feel attracted to the guy on first date. Those never turned into anything more for me.

[Curiousroxy86]

Allofme to address your question....

 

That really is a wait and see. For me personally I could care less if a guy texts or not. However I focus on guys who call everyday and ask me out every week (things can come up but just overall consistently).

 

Are you multi dating? If so it shouldn't matter. You would just focus on the guy who texts you the way you like if it's important. Still entertain this guy when he does text and at 2 months or less if he still around but not what your looking for you can stop talking to him all together

 

If you are not multi dating well your forced to just deal with it and see what he shows you until you decide you don't want to talk to him anymore (shudders)

 

Beginning stages you observe his natural actions and if it's not enough you date other man

 

I guess if I was a texting girl and not a phone call girl that I am then I probably focus on the guy who text everyday but you have to decide what your preference is.

 

Figure out what you want a boyfriend to do that you think is reasonable and you focus on the suitor who does that

[Sunnydaysandsome]

A lot of men aren't very confident so the smallest thing like just not putting a love kiss on the end of a text (when you hardly know the guy) is viewed as 'not interested' - even if he didn't.

 

Surely a man with any backbone would view you as a 'challenge' and up his game. This could be a good way to screen out unconfident and pathetic men. if they are put off by that then they aren't worth it.

[kendahke]

what you say and what your behavior revealed are not in sync.

 

You acted like you weren't interested, despite what you say to the contrary. He can only go by your actions and what you said, not what you were thinking or wanting him to guess.

 

If this isn't the outcome you want to have happen, you're going to have to change your approach, because this is what lies at the end of this road.

[SunnyWeather]

He doesn’t text much. I’d say he would only text once every two or three days max, if I don’t initiate a text. And whenever we do text, it’s very brief and we don’t do the “get to know you” thing via texts. I could tell he was very keen when we met in person and he already said he wants a third date.

 

 

It sounds like he is doing things right, and has the emotional maturity to not create a false sense of intimacy by way of text. It's been, what, 2 dates and you're going off how he doesn't text you enough? Sounds like he's got a life and a good sense of boundaries.

 

To me, it sounds like you will never be happy, and will continue to look for reasons why this guy is wrong for you. Save him from wasting his time on you. It's a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation for him.

[allofme]

It sounds like he is doing things right, and has the emotional maturity to not create a false sense of intimacy by way of text. It's been, what, 2 dates and you're going off how he doesn't text you enough? Sounds like he's got a life and a good sense of boundaries.

 

To me, it sounds like you will never be happy, and will continue to look for reasons why this guy is wrong for you. Save him from wasting his time on you. It's a damn if you do, damn if you don't situation for him.

 

You’re right to interpret his action as “emotionally mature” but that doesn’t make me wrong in assuming he might not be interested, given what I’m used to previously. Just because I wanted more communication from a guy it doesn’t make me needy or demanding. If they’re not even communicating enough during early stage, how do I expect them to keep up communications later on when the thrill is gone?

[allofme]

Allofme to address your question....

 

That really is a wait and see. For me personally I could care less if a guy texts or not. However I focus on guys who call everyday and ask me out every week (things can come up but just overall consistently).

 

Are you multi dating? If so it shouldn't matter. You would just focus on the guy who texts you the way you like if it's important. Still entertain this guy when he does text and at 2 months or less if he still around but not what your looking for you can stop talking to him all together

 

If you are not multi dating well your forced to just deal with it and see what he shows you until you decide you don't want to talk to him anymore (shudders)

 

Beginning stages you observe his natural actions and if it's not enough you date other man

 

I guess if I was a texting girl and not a phone call girl that I am then I probably focus on the guy who text everyday but you have to decide what your preference is.

 

Figure out what you want a boyfriend to do that you think is reasonable and you focus on the suitor who does that

 

I don’t multi-date I hate it. I also hate to think they’re multi-dating also but that’s just life.

 

How long would you normally wait for? I think 2 months seem like a good timeframe so I would give it enough time but also not so soon that I’d write off something potentially good. I have a feeling tho next time I see him again, it’s gonna feel like date 1.5

 

Maybe I should try at least talking to another guy. No meetup. Just texting and see where it can go. However I really hate the idea as if a guy likes me and treats me right from the start, I don’t want to be dating other people. It just doesn’t feel right.

[SunnyWeather]

You’re right to interpret his action as “emotionally mature” but that doesn’t make me wrong in assuming he might not be interested, given what I’m used to previously. Just because I wanted more communication from a guy it doesn’t make me needy or demanding. If they’re not even communicating enough during early stage, how do I expect them to keep up communications later on when the thrill is gone?

 

after the "thrill is gone"? in what? a year??? we're talking about the first couple of dates, yes?

 

if you think after the 2nd date that he's not giving you enough attention or 'not interested' by 'only' texting you every 2-3 days, I'm afraid to say you're expectations come off as entirely too needy. it sounds like he has a life, and you might do better by focusing on other things and let it develop at a natural flow, and not forced due to your past experiences. How did those experiences work out for you? over-texting in the first phase of dating creates a false sense of intimacy.

 

IF after some time getting to know each other, perhaps it's appropriate to raise the subject with him about what your texting needs are. obsessing over it now raises concerns about your ability to be in an adult relationship.

[40somethingGuy]

Quite franklyThe date was actually really good and I had a lot of fun. I could tell he did too that’s why he asked when he could see me again. Im just not a fan of the whole “it was nice to meet you I had a lovely time” since it felt way too formal to me.

 

 

 

Maybe you should be the kind of person to tell him 'you had a lot of fun' if you did. Instead, I am wondering why you would think he would take it any other way than you being apathetic to him. When he asked when you could see him next you didn't give a straight definitive answer. Do you expect the dude to read minds?

[allofme]

after the "thrill is gone"? in what? a year??? we're talking about the first couple of dates, yes?

 

if you think after the 2nd date that he's not giving you enough attention or 'not interested' by 'only' texting you every 2-3 days, I'm afraid to say you're expectations come off as entirely too needy. it sounds like he has a life, and you might do better by focusing on other things and let it develop at a natural flow, and not forced due to your past experiences. How did those experiences work out for you? over-texting in the first phase of dating creates a false sense of intimacy.

 

IF after some time getting to know each other, perhaps it's appropriate to raise the subject with him about what your texting needs are. obsessing over it now raises concerns about your ability to be in an adult relationship.

 

Im needy because I want one text a day which takes 2 mins max to send? Mind you, when we do text, it was mostly logistics with maybe a bit of bantering. So not getting to know each other via texts. So practically the only getting to know each other time would be 6 hours max per week, if things go this way. So 24 hours after a month, and 48 hours after 2 and 72 hours after 3 collectively. How am I supposed to make a decision if I wanna be in a relationship with someone after such a short amount of time lol. ThatÂ’s why texting is important for getting to know each other.

[Versacehottie]

Ok, well, i feel you are a bit different than typical girls. While i do totally agree with what Mrs. December said about sleeping with guys too soon essentially and how it makes them think toward you (yes, i also have been around my guy friends saying same as her co-worker). In your case, OP, for some reason i ACTUALLY believe your stance toward sex is genuine for your reasons and you are wanting to weed out guys who would judge you for it anyway so i guess it's ok to conduct things your preferred way. Most girls are not truly of the same mentality that you are and secretly hope that something different will happen or not to be judged and then are extremely surprised and hurt when they are.

 

Ok, so in your case, your case he STILL may be judging you--in which case you wouldn't want him right? I guess yeah give it a couple of months to see if that's the case.

 

I have to say your whole approach with the conversations before and the things we talked about at beginning of this thread are kinda guy-like. I'm wondering if you should approach dating this guy/others more like a guy. I mean i think to make it clear that you are not necessarily super traditional, let's say, then why NOT be more of the one to initiate. I think guys are so used to slightly manipulation or girls wanting an immediate relationship once sex is had that they might assume you are same as most. If you're not sure that you want one, sex right away is something you would do with any guy you are attracted to on a first date, i don't see why you should or would need to conduct the rest of the whatever is developing like a traditional guy/girl thing.

 

That's just an idea for the future of your dating, about this guy and his texting. I think you can't really expect it to increase too much. It just might be his level. I guess this is one very clear drawback of sleeping together right away. You cut to the chase, thus cutting the chase. There is a level of presumed closeness that isn't reflected in the emotional closeness that has developed yet--yet you want it. I think there is less incentive to get to "know" someone via text and much more over text once you've done so much physically. I think what you should do is keep trying to spend time with him so a closeness develops IN PERSON where you truly becomes friends and he lets you into his life and vice versa. That's the only way I can see texting increase much more is kinda in reverse.

 

I think he still might be judgey and you can't control what he thinks only try to suss out what it is that he thinks through his actions.

 

I'm a little concerned for you because you say "how much time should you give it". Do you mean just the texting part or your attraction to him on the whole as a bf???? I don't know, i don't really associate a probation type period with wanting to date someone. I think you need to be enthusiastic and excited about it otherwise why are you doing it at all, rather than "how long should you give it..." If you have a tendency to cut people off without getting to know them, then make the goal of getting to know him so there's a fair chance there. But idk, i'm feeling that you might be a bit lackluster about this whole thing. Do you feel like you should be dating someone or are trying to find your way into a relationship? I think you really need to consider the PERSON. Which is not a how long am I gonna give it type thing.

 

And yes of course you should multi-date. You've been on what 2 dates with this guy, It's far from serious. I think dating multiple people will have you realize that you need to be excited about someone and evaluate things that matter relationship-wise. No one is saying have two boyfriends or do dishonest things only to give yourself a fair chance in dating.

[allofme]

@versacehottie yeah I generally don’t get attached via sex too much. However, it can strengthen my feelings towards someone a lot. In this case, sex was good but momentum was so weak in between dates so far I feel like I’m losing interest fast.

 

I’ve not heard my guy friends discussing girls and sex that way. Sounds way too insecure and misogynistic. I generally even avoid being friends with those guys and I’ve never encountered a guy like that dating wise so far.

 

I think you’re bang on about the putting a timeframe to things and it makes me think. My friends used to say I overthink and overanalyse too much and I’m very impatient. I wrote guys off easily if things didn’t go as I expected or used to I suppose. I think with this one, I’ve been the most impatient so far actually haha

 

I do wonder if I give off the “I need a lot of space” vibe. I normally tell people straight away that I’ve been single for years and am generally very happy single doing my own things. I also tell them I don’t go on dates often (less than a handful of first dates a year I’d say) because I tend to get pretty lazy with trying to find a date and I give myself more time to “heal” after even short term dating. Also, this guy asked me if I’m ok sleeping over as he thought I didn’t likd sharing a bed with a guy (I told him I can’t imaging living with someone and sharing my bed with someone every night lol). Maybe I need to dial back a bit on my “independence” talk :/

[allofme]

I do think this guy is genuine tho from what I see so far. He told me he’s looking for serious dating and family wise. And he tend to give it 2-3 months to make things serious and like to focus on one person when he dates. I can only take his word for it right? There’re little things he did here and there and his behaviour in general in person actually make me think he’s a nice and genuine guy. I’m just so not used to the infrequent communication in between dates.