mark clemson Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 You may wish to research whether there are stalking laws in your state. You probably also want to have a nice chat with your H asking him to up his game a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 Well, Numero Uno, you need to climb up your husband's butt about that comment he made that "we don't do presents" and either stop giving him presents OR make sure he knows you expect presents! What a turkey thing of him to say! Don't let that pass. Tell him you are not happy about not getting presents and that you are doubly unhappy that now all your friends know it! Next, you need to tell your orbiter it's got to stop. He doesn't care if it's upsetting your marriage, so don't even tell him that. Just tell him, "Please, Orbiter, I can't accept any more gifts or cards from you and we have to peel back the communication, way back. It's not appropriate, and you know it. You need to find yourself a live one to bestow all that charm on because I'm taken." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 It's obvious that you care about material possessions far more than you care to admit. If gifts were not important to you, there is no way that you would use your husband's refusal to give you presents as justification for accepting inappropriate gifts from another man. There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting presents as a show of love. However, accepting gifts from a man other than your husband for many years shows lack of respect for your marriage. Be very honest with your husband about how the lack of gifts make you feel. Let your "admirer" know that he is not to send you any more gifts unless he want you to call the police on him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 1. it is extremely difficult to have a restraining order put on someone. Perhaps where you live but, not where I'm from. She only need send him written notice to cease and desist - then he's fair game if he ignores it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
camillalev Posted February 26, 2019 Share Posted February 26, 2019 A man I used to work with has been sending me texts and emails for the last 13 years. I have been denying his advances for 6 years before I met my husband. This is NOT normal. Seems to me like you have a slew of issues going on and you and your husband both are out of line. If he doesn’t stop when you’ve asked him to, that’s called harassment. The truth is, it seems you and your husband tend to goad one another. Like it’s a competition as to who can piss off the other more by how much you’re desired or desire the opposite sex. That’s a very dangerous game to play. Yup You may wish to research whether there are stalking laws in your state. You probably also want to have a nice chat with your H asking him to up his game a bit. Agree with this as well. Perhaps where you live but, not where I'm from. She only need send him written notice to cease and desist - then he's fair game if he ignores it. And you're from where she's from? It's notoriously hard in the US to get a restraining order even in cases far scarier than this, and resulted in a lot of emotional pain, injury, and death. It's a huge issue. But it's nice that somewhere it's just that easy. I wonder if she took this route she'd have to take it up with HR? Like I said earlier, 13 years of this is an extremely long time to sustain this level of attention on someone. Beyond the fact that it's skeezy to go after a married person, this is not normal behavior. It goes beyond a mere crush. I would be worried. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrs rubble Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Thank you all so much for your replies and thoughts on my situation. I wrote a long reply, but my computer timed out before I could post it. You've all given me a lot to think about and I appreciate all your thoughts. This was the only gift my admirer has ever sent me, his attention started after I separated from my first husband, I was single, I didn't know at first that he was married and there was friendly banter. After I found out he was married. I told him straight that I don't get involved with married men, and I have echoed that ever since. He claimed his wife hated him, another workmate sort of confirmed this as their children played sport together and she had socialised at their house and I'm told his wife is very nasty to him. I sort of felt sorry for him and I continued to chat to him, I was always extremely clear on the fact that there would never be anything more than that. As for a restraining order, I would never get one, I tried to get one on my ex- husband as he had beaten my son up and the courts denied it. He is no longer at my work, HR have dealt with him over inappropriate use of the computer before he was let go. He also recently lost his house, so I have no idea where he lives. I will address some of the your questions soon. Have to go right now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 It's notoriously hard in the US to get a restraining order even in cases far scarier than this, and resulted in a lot of emotional pain, injury, and death. It's a huge issue. But it's nice that somewhere it's just that easy. I wonder if she took this route she'd have to take it up with HR?Just go where the "gifts" are coming from: eMail - contact the ISP Texts - contact the cell provider Gifts - contact the Postal Inspector 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrs rubble Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 As for my friend who my husband attends the sports club with, is she attractive? Not really, she’s 10 years older than me and twice my weight, I really don’t think my husband is attracted to her and I really don’t think he is trying to make out he’s neglected. I’m also not worried about receiving gifts from my husband, but a little hurt he doesn’t acknowledge or forgot that I have given him gifts. As for bringing up prior grievances, that hasn’t happened. I spoke to my husband on the day he made the comment and he was devastated that he’d hurt me. We haven’t even talked about the gift from my admirer, he just rolled his eyes and his body language let me know he didn’t like it. I plan on having a conversation with him about it and apologising for the upset it has caused him. I’ve gotten rid of the gift and card. I will be having another firm word with the guy and will no longer reply or interact with him after that. Writing this out and hearing your responses has made me realise that I have sort of acted in a retaliatory way and I’m still reeling from my husbands comment and am wanting to be desired by him, I will also be talking to him about this. Hope this answers some questions and thank you all once again. You’ve been most helpful. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
trulycommitted Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I am sorry you are going through this. It is nice to have an admirer but not when you are married. I think the main question is, “Do you love your husband?” Does your husband know how you feel? Does he see problems in the relationship? Do you see problems in the relationship? A caring professional will be able to offer you guidance and perspective for your marriage; a heart-to-heart can be beneficial. Healthy conversations can help to strengthen every part of your marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrs rubble Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 Thank you! Yes I love him and he loves me too. I’m 100% sure of this. We’re having an awesome conversation right now. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I’ve gotten rid of the gift and card. I will be having another firm word with the guy and will no longer reply or interact with him after that. Writing this out and hearing your responses has made me realise that I have sort of acted in a retaliatory way and I’m still reeling from my husbands comment and am wanting to be desired by him, I will also be talking to him about this. Hope this answers some questions and thank you all once again. You’ve been most helpful. This sounds like a good way forward. Reassure him that you will never accept any such thing from the other man again. Definitely go NC with the other man, nothing good ever comes from maintaining contact with such people. And then, separately, talk to him about your feelings re: gifts on occasions. I think your feelings are completely valid, you just need to express them in a way that doesn't make your H feel devalued. Tell him that gifts are a love language for you, and you hope that you and he will resume mutual gift-giving. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I’ve gotten rid of the gift and card. I will be having another firm word with the guy and will no longer reply or interact with him after that. Have that 'firm word' to the pathetic would be philanderer within earshot of your husband if you really want some strong positive results. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 So this creep has a wife, and a very nasty one. Then you should return his V Day card and gift to the wife. Let her take care of the creep. I bet it’d be more effective than a restraining order! 4 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 What was the solution to this issue when you discussed it with your husband? Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrs rubble Posted February 27, 2019 Author Share Posted February 27, 2019 What was the solution to this issue when you discussed it with your husband? I screwed up and threw out the card in front of him, he said he was upset about it but knows I haven’t done anything to encourage it. He also now acknowledges that his comment about my friends hurt me and we are both more aware of each other’s feelings. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 I screwed up and threw out the card in front of him, he said he was upset about it but knows I haven’t done anything to encourage it. He also now acknowledges that his comment about my friends hurt me and we are both more aware of each other’s feelings. Did you block the OM from contacting you? Did you both get on the phone together and tell the OM to stop all contact? You must be united and take action that sends a clear message to the OM - get aggressive withhom! Show your H with action that you are willing to protect the M from this man. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 27, 2019 Share Posted February 27, 2019 Mrs Rubble, it sounds like you're on the right path forward. However, I think that a 'firm word' with your creeper wouldn't do the job. You have to block him from contacting you. Text, email, FB..whatever he uses, block him. And do it without explanation. You need to go super cold on him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrs rubble Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 Basil. I have blocked him now. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I'll bet in the end you feel better too... Good for you... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 As for a restraining order, I would never get one, I tried to get one on my ex- husband as he had beaten my son up and the courts denied it. He is no longer at my work, HR have dealt with him over inappropriate use of the computer before he was let go. He also recently lost his house, so I have no idea where he lives. I get the feeling you wouldn't do it anyway. You've enjoyed his pursuit for 13 years. You KNOW he's married, and use the feeble excuse that some coworker saw his wife being nasty to him during some sporting event socials, so you 'believe' him when he says his marriage is awful and his wife hates him. So you 'feel sorry' for him and claim that's why you haven't told his wife what he's been doing for 13 years and why you've chosen not to shut this guy down YEARS ago. You do realize how lame - and completely unbelievable - that sounds, don't you? You haven't shut him down because you like the attention and want it to continue. You have to own your ****. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 You have to own your ****. LOL. I hope I'm never on the opposite side of a conference table from Mrs. December. Link to post Share on other sites
Author mrs rubble Posted February 28, 2019 Author Share Posted February 28, 2019 LOL. I hope I'm never on the opposite side of a conference table from Mrs. December. There’s many people on this site who project their bitterness. It’s best to ignore them. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 28, 2019 Share Posted February 28, 2019 I get the feeling you wouldn't do it anyway. You've enjoyed his pursuit for 13 years. You KNOW he's married, and use the feeble excuse that some coworker saw his wife being nasty to him during some sporting event socials, so you 'believe' him when he says his marriage is awful and his wife hates him. So you 'feel sorry' for him and claim that's why you haven't told his wife what he's been doing for 13 years and why you've chosen not to shut this guy down YEARS ago. You do realize how lame - and completely unbelievable - that sounds, don't you? You haven't shut him down because you like the attention and want it to continue. You have to own your ****. Sometimes you just get some empathy for people even when neither they nor the situation is perfect. I can understand it, but it's not worth making a husband mad over, and my opinion is if the friend is truly a friend, he will understand that. I can see where she wouldn't want to be mean to him, but I believe if he doesn't respect it when she says it's hurting her marriage and back out, then she has no choice. Link to post Share on other sites
usa1ah Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 It sounds as if you are still working the relationship and your husband has set the cruise on. You give and your husband only takes. If this continues it will damage if not destroy your marriage. I do know this from my own marriage Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted March 6, 2019 Share Posted March 6, 2019 There’s many people on this site who project their bitterness. It’s best to ignore them. I'm sorry, I was complimenting the no nonsense manner of dispensing with BS, not any perceived bitterness. Link to post Share on other sites
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