New romantic interest is flaky. Feel I might be wasting my time...

[Lotsgoingon]

You are more or less ignoring the fact that the signals received are interpretations and therefore always subjective. And when you have a tendency towards anxiety it’s very easy to interpret neutral behaviour as something negative. Furthermore a lot of people will, in a sense, hold back - even when they are interested.

 

Telling anxious girls that something is wrong as soon as they feel that something is wrong is a slippery slope.

 

Great point here MaleIntuition ... But in this case, I was basing my judgment on repeated cancellations and changes ... She isn't imagining those details.

 

And to give you a different perspective ... if a person does have anxiety, they still need a prospective partner to respond in ways that calm their anxiety.

 

I see anxiety as a quality like say, extreme brilliance. If you're extremely brilliant you need a partner who can work with your super smarts. Someone with extreme anxiety will need a partner who can see through the anxiety, can work with the anxiety ... a partner who is persistent and has high and obvious interest ... despite the other person's anxiety.

 

If the person with anxiety gets canceled on ... repeatedly ... at the last minute ... and gets ignored for days in communication ... those are signals of disinterest that apply just as much as they apply to the person without anxiety.

 

Flipping things: if the person with anxiety can't manage to do enough to reassure the other person, respond somewhat promptly and so on ... the relationship won't work.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You don't need to multi date, you just need to stop investing in lukewarm/unavailable guys. Like I always say date those who treat you the way you want to be treated....and not just during a date.

 

Multi dating is actually useful w/flaky lukewarm guys. Dating multiple guys gives you options and you won't end up settling for an unavailable guy. Before I started multi dating, I got hung up on flaky dudes. After multi dating, I didn't care of one guy stopped texting me. I only stopped talking to all the guys when I went exclusive. All this lack of communication is a bad sign and prob the guy isn't all that interested.

[stillafool]

Time to cut loose. Why are the cute ones always a55holes!!!!!!

 

Because they are cute they have many options. You are right to move on.

[Curiousroxy86]

Multi dating is actually useful w/flaky lukewarm guys. Dating multiple guys gives you options and you won't end up settling for an unavailable guy. Before I started multi dating' date=' I got hung up on flaky dudes. After multi dating, I didn't care of one guy stopped texting me. I only stopped talking to all the guys when I went exclusive. All this lack of communication is a bad sign and prob the guy isn't all that interested.[/quote']

 

*tears of joy* this statement makes me so proud.

[BWFMT]

Great point here MaleIntuition ... But in this case, I was basing my judgment on repeated cancellations and changes ... She isn't imagining those details.

 

And to give you a different perspective ... if a person does have anxiety, they still need a prospective partner to respond in ways that calm their anxiety.

 

I see anxiety as a quality like say, extreme brilliance. If you're extremely brilliant you need a partner who can work with your super smarts. Someone with extreme anxiety will need a partner who can see through the anxiety, can work with the anxiety ... a partner who is persistent and has high and obvious interest ... despite the other person's anxiety.

 

If the person with anxiety gets canceled on ... repeatedly ... at the last minute ... and gets ignored for days in communication ... those are signals of disinterest that apply just as much as they apply to the person without anxiety.

 

Flipping things: if the person with anxiety can't manage to do enough to reassure the other person, respond somewhat promptly and so on ... the relationship won't work.

 

You know I have NEVER had any problems being anxious on this level when it comes to a man before but now it has reached fever pitch.

 

Lord knows what happened over the weekend but we have gone from being warm and lovey dovey ('I really like you/care about you/ I miss you') To absolutely f***ing NADA! I legit feel like an idiot for wasting my time here.

 

I asked him yesterday when we could see each other again, and was simply given 'This week is complicated' followed by a 'I'm supposed to see _____').

 

I responded to say no worries; I also have a hectic week ahead, maybe we can catch up next week, which was again met with resistance ('I don't know my hours next week yet')

 

So I have left it with the following;

 

'OK, well at this point I am cautious to plan something this far in advance with you anyway. If you want to catch up next week when you get your shifts drop me a message, and if I am free maybe we can do something.'

 

The cold front over the weekend has knocked me a little bit, and I have cried over this unfortunately, but I refuse to get further attached to someone this emotionally unavailable.

 

I think at this point it is obvious that there is no future in this. I cannot even defend him anymore. I'll be grateful for the good dates that we managed to have, wish him well in his life, and I think for now . . . I'm done dating for a bit.

Edited March 13, 2019 by BWFMT

[toomanyquestions123]

The cold front over the weekend has knocked me a little bit, and I have cried over this unfortunately, but I refuse to get further attached to someone this emotionally unavailable.

 

I think at this point it is obvious that there is no future in this. I cannot even defend him anymore. I'll be grateful for the good dates that we managed to have, wish him well in his life, and I think for now . . . I'm done dating for a bit.

 

I am sorry you had to cry over this. This is what modern dating is now; you go on dates, you think the chemistry is mutual but then the next day someone is flaking. But then i see myself, i would never say stuff i dont mean to someone i am not planning to take things further. If i went on a date with someone and i felt that it's not gonna work with i would definitely not use "i miss you, i like you. i care about you".

 

I am like you, it is so hard for me to click with someone immediately, but sometimes we confuse chemistry with loneliness, hormones. So keep trying, don't even dwell on it.

Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote edited

[BWFMT]

I am the same. I don't say things I don't mean; then again maybe he thinks I am giving him the cold front by not responding to them in the same way? I think I have told him 'I miss you too' once in the few times he has said it to me? Not defending him or even trying to double guess and overanalyze myself... just pondering.

 

There are so many discrepancies though; at the start I had it in my mind that it would probably not go well and I would not see him again. It was him who bought up 'are you open to dating me', asked if I wanted to go to the movies or dinners with him, he gave me this long talk about not understanding open relationships and has told me a few times in the short time we were dating that once someone is in his heart he always cares for them.

 

What I struggle to comprehend is WHY build that up just to pull the rug from underneath me. I've been ghosted, I've been rejected, I've been dumped and ALL of those I could cope with but this one? I just want to know why!

Edited March 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[stillafool]

 

I asked him yesterday when we could see each other again, and was simply given 'This week is complicated' followed by a 'I'm supposed to see _____').

 

 

Did you contact him or did he contact you? If you contacted him to set up a date I would advise to not do this again. Like I said you should date more than one guy so you don't get so serious so soon. This was one date and now this has brought you to tears. No more.

[stillafool]

 

I've been ghosted, I've been rejected, I've been dumped and ALL of those I could cope with but this one? I just want to know why!

 

Why is this one different? It seems to fall in the same category.

[BWFMT]

Did you contact him or did he contact you? If you contacted him to set up a date I would advise to not do this again. Like I said you should date more than one guy so you don't get so serious so soon. This was one date and now this has brought you to tears. No more.

 

He contacted me with some stupid video. We got into a bit of dialogue and I asked him when we would see each other which was when he gave me the whole 'this week is complicated, Im only off on Friday but I'm supposed to meet so and so'

 

We did date a total of 4 times by this point, I would certainly not cry over 1 date. Im not intending to send him any further messages. He can message me from now on... I'm expecting approximately nada.

 

I am really dreadful at multi dating, I find the whole process draining and tiring with just one, let alone more than one.

[BWFMT]

Why is this one different? It seems to fall in the same category.

 

Similar category I guess but I did not get great vibes from the guy who ghosted me, our dates were too weird. Being dumped always hurts, but if there has been a relationship you generally at least get a reason.

 

This one feels different because he built it up, and then let it fall so suddenly.

 

I am my own worst enemy; I should have seen this coming but I thought he was a good guy underneath it all.

[olivetree]

You are being your own worst enemy by continuing to pursue.

You should drop him entirely - move on and decline if he asks to see you again.

He just isn't interested enough.

 

His lack of interest doesn't make him a bad guy - it makes him uninterested.

[BWFMT]

You are being your own worst enemy by continuing to pursue.

You should drop him entirely - move on and decline if he asks to see you again.

He just isn't interested enough.

 

His lack of interest doesn't make him a bad guy - it makes him uninterested.

 

I've been with friends today, and got a greater sense of clarity on everything. I'm not gonna contact him again, even if he makes contact with me.

 

I didn't believe he was a bad guy. But would like to think a good guy would come clean; I won't cry over a simple 'I like you but not enough'. I will cry over spinning a web of bullsh*t for me to keep me hooked. That is not, in my mind, a good guy...

 

His friends seem cool, so I hope they at least tell him this is not a good way to go about things with anyone, romantically or otherwise.

 

And really if a guy can say such nice things, introduce me to friends as 'This is my partner', and then immediately switch off less than 72 hours later, was he ever worth my time?

 

nope.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

You are being your own worst enemy by continuing to pursue.

You should drop him entirely - move on and decline if he asks to see you again.

He just isn't interested enough.

 

His lack of interest doesn't make him a bad guy - it makes him uninterested.

 

Agree. Even if he does ask you out again (I don't think he will), he will be lukewarm about dating you anyways. To some people getting pursued is an ego boost. Do not boost their ego and stop contacting him.

[c1nderella]

You know I have NEVER had any problems being anxious on this level when it comes to a man before but now it has reached fever pitch.<snip>

 

This is as if I wrote this lol Everything seemed great a couple of weeks ago up until that weekend and communication had been ****. I also asked to see him this week and all I got was that he has been ”preoccupied” ..havnt heard anything for a couple of days now. ugh that makes two of us girl.. crying and feeling like shyt.

Edited March 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BWFMT]

This is as if I wrote this lol Everything seemed great a couple of weeks ago up until that weekend and communication had been ****. I also asked to see him this week and all I got was that he has been ”preoccupied” ..havnt heard anything for a couple of days now. ugh that makes two of us girl.. crying and feeling like shyt.

 

Wow... yeah, you really are in the exact same situation as me. I feel you!

 

You are not alone, get those tears out and do not let him affect you anymore than he already has. I have been literally fighting myself over sending my flake a message. So far it has been 48 hours with nada from him. And as someone said earlier on in this thread; no one is too busy that they can't even send a text to let you know they are thinking of you... clearly we are not on their list of priorities for the week.

 

It sucks though, I know that much, and it almost hurts like a full on breakup (at least usually with a full on breakup you can accept that there may have been problems within a relationship; this cold front when it is totally unexpected is soul destroying)

 

Know that you are not alone in this!

[BWFMT]

Agree. Even if he does ask you out again (I don't think he will)' date=' he will be lukewarm about dating you anyways. To some people getting pursued is an ego boost. Do not boost their ego and stop contacting him.[/quote']

 

It's been 48 hours now, and I have heard nothing (and not messaged him either) so I guess this is it; he's shown his worth (and mine to him)

 

He can carry on with his life, and me with mine. I believe in karma, he will get bitten on the a** one day.

[Rockett]

Sorry this happened Please don't doubt yourself. Once the initial feelings of disappointment pass, I hope you will see it more as the whole package of him: being flaky, saying he cares and likes you a lot, and his behavior not matching- as the problem, rather than anything you did. From an outsider's perspective, people who are good at making other people feel good (knowing what to say to make them feel special, particularly during early dating) can seem wonderful at first, but words always need to be backed up by actions. You were right to pay attention to his follow-up: flaky, and not reaching out despite him saying "I like you" and "I care about you a lot."

 

 

I'm not saying he was scheming, that's impossible for me to know. He was likely sincere, but for some reason can't seem to (or doesn't want to on some conscious or unconscious level) follow through. It's an awful feeling to be on the receiving end of that, for sure. Don't let it put you off dating if that's what you want to be doing. Instead, take it as a cautionary tale next time you go out with a guy who is cute, charming, and says he's super into it. I'm not saying to be super suspicious, but just to take it with a grain of salt and wait to see his words match his actions. Once they do, great! If not, next. For me this happened automatically after a few charming-no-follow-through-dudes.

 

 

 

I actually began to take a lack of smoothness as a sign of (potentially more) sincerity, although this too isn't always the case.

[BWFMT]

Sorry this happened Please don't doubt yourself. Once the initial feelings of disappointment pass, I hope you will see it more as the whole package of him: being flaky, saying he cares and likes you a lot, and his behavior not matching- as the problem, rather than anything you did. From an outsider's perspective, people who are good at making other people feel good (knowing what to say to make them feel special, particularly during early dating) can seem wonderful at first, but words always need to be backed up by actions. You were right to pay attention to his follow-up: flaky, and not reaching out despite him saying "I like you" and "I care about you a lot."

 

 

I'm not saying he was scheming, that's impossible for me to know. He was likely sincere, but for some reason can't seem to (or doesn't want to on some conscious or unconscious level) follow through. It's an awful feeling to be on the receiving end of that, for sure. Don't let it put you off dating if that's what you want to be doing. Instead, take it as a cautionary tale next time you go out with a guy who is cute, charming, and says he's super into it. I'm not saying to be super suspicious, but just to take it with a grain of salt and wait to see his words match his actions. Once they do, great! If not, next. For me this happened automatically after a few charming-no-follow-through-dudes.

 

 

 

I actually began to take a lack of smoothness as a sign of (potentially more) sincerity, although this too isn't always the case.

 

Yeah, I know I am not to blame here although I should have been more guarded and protected myself. Then again when someone is being charming and sweeps you off your feet it can be hard to stay in control of those things.

 

As I mentioned, I will be grateful for the dates we did have; they were great.

 

He is also still trying to keep me hooked by the way: I got a message super late last night asking a really huge favour (Complete with cute little pet names and kisses). I really can only say one thing to him at this point, and it is far too impolite for me to post it here.

 

I was trying to kid myself that he was not a bad person, and was maybe just wired wrong. But I think after last night sending texts suddenly calling me 'babe' or 'beautiful'. Amazing how the nice words can get thrown around when someone wants something.

 

He can take his favour and shove it where the sun does not shine to be frank.

[Curiousroxy86]

 

He can take his favour and shove it where the sun does not shine to be frank.

 

attagirl!

 

dont cave to that bs

[olivetree]

I didn't believe he was a bad guy. But would like to think a good guy would come clean; I won't cry over a simple 'I like you but not enough'. I will cry over spinning a web of bullsh*t for me to keep me hooked. That is not, in my mind, a good guy...

 

I understand your logic, though I don't think most people think "I'm going to spin my web of lies so that she is hooked!"

He could be really on the fence.

 

The responsibility is on you to set your own boundaries and weed out people who aren't good enough/into you enough for you, not them.

 

Anyway, glad you've decided to move on!

[c1nderella]

Yeah, I know I am not to blame here although I should have been more guarded and protected myself. Then again when someone is being charming and sweeps you off your feet it can be hard to stay in control of those things.

 

As I mentioned, I will be grateful for the dates we did have; they were great.

 

He is also still trying to keep me hooked by the way: I got a message super late last night asking a really huge favour (Complete with cute little pet names and kisses). I really can only say one thing to him at this point, and it is far too impolite for me to post it here.

 

I was trying to kid myself that he was not a bad person, and was maybe just wired wrong. But I think after last night sending texts suddenly calling me 'babe' or 'beautiful'. Amazing how the nice words can get thrown around when someone wants something.

 

He can take his favour and shove it where the sun does not shine to be frank.

 

What a jerk, disappears and then reappears to ask for favors? Oh hell naw. So I’m assuming you ignored his message? Did he say anything else after you ignoring him?

Edited March 15, 2019 by c1nderella

[BWFMT]

What a jerk, disappears and then reappears to ask for favors? Oh hell naw. So I’m assuming you ignored his message? Did he say anything else after you ignoring him?

 

Yup, fully ignored... I am not stupid enough to fall for this 'babe/ beautiful' crap. Y'all only calling me that now you need my help. NEWSFLASH: I aint got no more time for this guy. He has not responded further, Im assuming the message is loud and clear at this point.

 

I am actually starting to realize I had a lucky escape here. He seems almost like he has some sort of personality disorder... a bit like dealing with two people...!

 

Best of luck to whoever is next up...!

[BWFMT]

I understand your logic, though I don't think most people think "I'm going to spin my web of lies so that she is hooked!"

He could be really on the fence.

 

The responsibility is on you to set your own boundaries and weed out people who aren't good enough/into you enough for you, not them.

 

Anyway, glad you've decided to move on!

 

I liked him a lot, and had high hopes but it has turned out that he really is a bit nuts. I am still absolutely gobsmacked at the late night message asking me for a favor (that would also really put me out!) despite being an absolute dick to me all week. I note that when he wanted me to help him out it was all 'babe, you know you're so amazing xxx' . . . I am amazing. But not for you kid, off you f*ck because I can see right through that act...!

 

Not sure where in the world that will fly with any sane minded person.

 

I don't think he is on the fence at all; I think he led me down the garden path and then when better options presented themselves I was for the chop.

 

And really, at my age, I should probably be looking for someone with better prospects who is not trapped in teenage party boy mentality!

 

Now how do I go about changing my taste in men to successful career guys who are not crazy away from bad boys with the same prospects in life as an old potato . . .

[c1nderella]

Yup, fully ignored... I am not stupid enough to fall for this 'babe/ beautiful' crap. Y'all only calling me that now you need my help. NEWSFLASH: I aint got no more time for this guy. He has not responded further, Im assuming the message is loud and clear at this point.

 

I am actually starting to realize I had a lucky escape here. He seems almost like he has some sort of personality disorder... a bit like dealing with two people...!

 

Best of luck to whoever is next up...!

 

Ugh bet that felt so good to ignore his bytch4ass as he did to you. In a way I’m hoping this guy I was seeing reaches out to me so I can do the same and ignore his 4ss! But if he doesn’t he’ll be doing me a favor.

 

As for future guys, we know the flags for these type of guys. Hot and cold, disappearing, poor communication, love bombing and calling us “babe” and telling us they miss us early on. All of those aren’t things an honest serious mature man does. Lying about their feelings and know we are very into them they manipulate us into getting hooked again to get what they want..favors, sex, ego boost... we know all this now. So next time we won’t even give this kinda guy a second date.

Edited March 15, 2019 by c1nderella