BaileyB Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 I’m trying to determine if it’s better trying to somehow improve things w my husband despite how long he’s been saying he wants a divorce now. It’s really is rough to be w someone w whom you have no physical passion or chemistry, in addition to spending little time together bc they’re a workaholic. How exactly do you improve a marriage when you husband tells you - he wants a divorce. He doesn’t want to be married to you anymore, he doesn’t want to have children with you... you need to really hear that. You can not improve a marriage with a man who does not want to be married! For your own sanity and well being, the only thing to do is divorce and try to get the best agreement (related to finances and custody) thatbyou can get. Yes it’s tough. But, the person who makes it tough is you because you refuse to read the writing on the wall and you insist on staying in an unhappy and unhealthy marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 4, 2019 Share Posted March 4, 2019 Because he doesnÂ’t have some red flag/absolute dealbreaker. I just feel so depressed and trapped Before I left my son’s dad, I couldn’t figure out why I wanted out so badly. I was nearly suicidal. Once I left, I fully understood what was wrong. He was very subtly controlling and I was suffocating. My sister calls him the benevolent manipulator. My ex had the very same issues with his family and our son. I just couldn’t see it for a long time. I’m not suggesting that you leave if you don’t feel inclined to but sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 5, 2019 Author Share Posted March 5, 2019 Before I left my son’s dad, I couldn’t figure out why I wanted out so badly. I was nearly suicidal. Once I left, I fully understood what was wrong. He was very subtly controlling and I was suffocating. My sister calls him the benevolent manipulator. My ex had the very same issues with his family and our son. I just couldn’t see it for a long time. I’m not suggesting that you leave if you don’t feel inclined to but sometimes it’s hard to see the forest for the trees. Sorry to hear what happened to you- what kinds of things did he do? My husband once said his strategy was to let me have my way with everything except the “important things” so that then he could have his way with all of that. When he told me he expected my career to take a backseat to his and for me to move wherever he wanted and we could never live by my family, I was like... hmm no?! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Let me ask... what would YOU be waiting for? For him to keep using you for another 10-20-30 years? Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 5, 2019 Share Posted March 5, 2019 Sorry to hear what happened to you- what kinds of things did he do? My husband once said his strategy was to let me have my way with everything except the “important things” so that then he could have his way with all of that. When he told me he expected my career to take a backseat to his and for me to move wherever he wanted and we could never live by my family, I was like... hmm no?! I could kind of understand the thing with the job were he the major breadwinner, but he’s not. Far from it. The guy lives in a delusional realm. The fact that he expected you to follow him around but didn’t convey that to you was somewhat immature of him. He sounds like someone who lives in his own world. My ex...well, it’s been quite a few years since we divorced. Controlling is the main thing that comes to mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 My husband has not changed his tune about getting divorced, but now I’m thinking he is mostly a nice person who was good to me and what am I doing? I am certain that if we reconciled we’d still have the same problems, from the lack of any good sex life or even kissing to his irresponsibility with finances. But if I could convince myself to just deal with the bad, and most importantly let go of the idea of ever having sexual chemistry or passion again, then perhaps I could be happy. Perhaps I’m asking for too much Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 If I could convince myself to just deal with the bad, and most importantly let go of the idea of ever having sexual chemistry or passion again, then perhaps I could be happy. Perhaps I’m asking for too much Are you asking too much - the short answer is Yes. Why can you not just admit the obvious - you are in a loveless marriage and your husband is done, he wants to divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Are you asking too much - the short answer is Yes. Why can you not just admit the obvious - you are in a loveless marriage and your husband is done, he wants to divorce. I don’t think her husband gives a fig about the loveless part. I think he’s more interested in being able to do as he pleases, make bad decisions, and not have someone call him on it. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 My husband has not changed his tune about getting divorced, but now I’m thinking he is mostly a nice person who was good to me and what am I doing? I am certain that if we reconciled we’d still have the same problems, from the lack of any good sex life or even kissing to his irresponsibility with finances. But if I could convince myself to just deal with the bad, and most importantly let go of the idea of ever having sexual chemistry or passion again, then perhaps I could be happy. Perhaps I’m asking for too much Sounds like a lot of big pills to swallow. But it’s your call. I’m sure you could talk him into giving it another shot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 I don’t think her husband gives a fig about the loveless part. I think he’s more interested in being able to do as he pleases, make bad decisions, and not have someone call him on it. Spot on- he wants to be free to work on his ideas as constantly as he wants and move to whatever expensive area (on almost no income) that he wants and I can’t say anything or I’m not “unconditionally supportive.” With that said- I do feel like he loves me in whatever capacity he’s capable of. I’d just have to accept that it’s limited and I’ll never have a passionate partner (in bed or about spending time w me) or one who really acts like a mature, rational adult in several capacities. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 In reading what your husband is saying, it doesn't sound like staying married is an option for you but you keep talking like it's your choice and you can somehow will him into wanting to stay married. That isn't how it works, he has to want to stay married for it to be an option. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 In reading what your husband is saying, it doesn't sound like staying married is an option for you but you keep talking like it's your choice and you can somehow will him into wanting to stay married. That isn't how it works, he has to want to stay married for it to be an option. Exactly. He could file papers tomorrow, and then where would that leave you? Looking at the situation realistically, you need to have a plan in place for the end of your marriage. If you want to stay married to this man and suffer through the next however many years he will have you, that’s entirely your decision. But know, he could do exactly what he is threatening to do and take that decision out of your hands by filing papers tomorrow - plan accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Seconding what these folks are saying. You're child can't afford to be impacted by your husband's obsessions. They are right that your position is more tenuous than you may realize. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 Seconding what these folks are saying. You're child can't afford to be impacted by your husband's obsessions. They are right that your position is more tenuous than you may realize. But no matter what he does, and whether I’m totally unattracted to him because of his workaholism, irresponsibility, or else, he’s still the child’s father and still has good qualities, so shouldn’t I try to work it out? I don’t know why exactly I’m so depressed at the thought of never really being able to FEEL with a partner every again, of never having passion. It’s not like my husband is the world’s worst so why can’t I let go of feeling I need something else? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Because your husband doesn't want to be married to you. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 You’re in a tough spot, no question. I don’t really have anything productive to say but I think you need to have a talk with your husband about where things are at this point. If he’s still insistent on ending the marriage, then the decision has been made for you. Just move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 My theory is maybe he’s saying he wants to end it to save himself pain by ME doing so- since I was upfront saying that I don’t feel much attraction or respect toward him bc of selfish/workaholic choices he’s made, and then by me talking and spending time w someone else after he kept saying he wanted a divorce. But w that said, he originally asked me for a divorce 6 months ago, right after we found out about the baby, based upon this crazy rationale that I was asking critical questions about a company idea and didn’t just “support him unconditionally.” And then refused to stay in our current city for his training as he easily could’ve done, and let me keep my job- instead telling me I’m the one breaking up the family if I don’t follow HIM. So all that happened before I started telling him I’d lost feelings of respect and attraction, or before I started talking to my friend. I don’t know, I just keep thinking he’ll change his mind once the baby is born and see it’s so much easier/better to just be a family. Then again, how much did he ever intend to “be a family” when he always insisted upon this other slightly better training program where he’d only see us on weekends for 5 years? This isn’t new. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 But no matter what he does, and whether I’m totally unattracted to him because of his workaholism, irresponsibility, or else, he’s still the child’s father and still has good qualities, so shouldn’t I try to work it out? I don’t know why exactly I’m so depressed at the thought of never really being able to FEEL with a partner every again, of never having passion. It’s not like my husband is the world’s worst so why can’t I let go of feeling I need something else? I think it's perfectly reasonable to not feel happy about this prospect. Agree that you're in a difficult situation, because if you maintain what you have your husband might leave, which will cause extra stress and difficulties and if he doesn't you'll probably stay unhappy. And of course the baby. My thought would be that once you get through the early years with the baby you'll have some serious thinking to do and a tough decision to make. Possibly earlier, and possibly a decision will be out of your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 He sounds controlling to me, in a very passive manner. Any man who gives his pregnant wife ultimatums that require home and financial risk is pretty much a jerk in my book. He’s controlling, unloving, and pretty dumb, really. It’s no wonder why you’re so sad. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 I don't know bathtub, she described a guy who doesn't want to and maybe never wanted to be married. She continues to put qualifiers on it as if she can control his desire to be married. I think the guy wants out and his behavior supports that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Gb83 Posted March 8, 2019 Author Share Posted March 8, 2019 I don't know bathtub, she described a guy who doesn't want to and maybe never wanted to be married. She continues to put qualifiers on it as if she can control his desire to be married. I think the guy wants out and his behavior supports that. This may be a great point, because he has made comments about how he “didn’t think it would take this much time” to be married, he thought we could just work alongside each other and there really wouldn’t be anything to sacrifice. And that first time he told me he wanted a divorce (over me criticizing one of his entrepreneur ideas) came a week after he found out I was pregnant, which he hadn’t seemed very excited about. But I DO require some time, someone who’s just as excited to spend time w me as vice verse. And I want to settle, not have to run off somewhere multiple states away when I’m in a stable position making tons of money with a very flexible work schedule and meanwhile he’ll be making almost nothing for years & years to come. So why do we have to move for his training when the program here is nearly as good? And I was the one who moved for him last time. It’ll always be like that and I just don’t feel hope. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 I don't know bathtub, she described a guy who doesn't want to and maybe never wanted to be married. She continues to put qualifiers on it as if she can control his desire to be married. I think the guy wants out and his behavior supports that. That doesn’t make his actions ok. Especially now that his wife is pregnant. It seems to be all about him. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Gb, I know it’s hard to throw in the towel. Your husband truly isn’t committed to you or the child. He’s extremely immature and he’ll have a big wake-up call if he ends up having to pay child support. I’m glad your job is stable and that you can take care of yourself and your baby. You need a man that you can lean on, depend on; one that makes you feel you can trust his judgment. Your husband resists you, and common sense, at every turn. Men like this will wear you out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 8, 2019 Share Posted March 8, 2019 Nowhere did I say his behavior was ok, I'm saying it's the behavior of someone who doesn't want to be married to someone else. I think OP is wasting time trying to figure out if she wants to be married because she likely doesn't have the option to stay married. Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted March 9, 2019 Share Posted March 9, 2019 Nowhere did I say his behavior was ok, I'm saying it's the behavior of someone who doesn't want to be married to someone else. I think OP is wasting time trying to figure out if she wants to be married because she likely doesn't have the option to stay married. I see. Well, I think he appears to be on the fence about it, which is why he doesn’t just go ahead and pull the trigger and file for divorce. I think he’s giving her ultimatums because he knows she’s vulnerable and is hoping she’ll acquiescence. Link to post Share on other sites
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