Naivewomen Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 @duped for real. She was able to open her heart to another but she never stopped loving her husband. I was not able to do this. I can only love one person at a time. Unfortunately, I fell out of love with my spouse. Nothing has changed at home but I am seeing the clearer picture of the affair. I owe it to my family to focus on them. If my marriage is not supposed to be then it wont. At least , after these feeling suppress I will know I put my best foot forward. I do not want to live in a sham of a marriage. My husband and I both deserve to be happy. If we are not compatible and things do not change well then it's time to have that divorce discussion again. The affair man is becoming less intense in my heart. I will always love him but accept the place we are in. I did not want to destroy any lives because of this bad choice. Affairs are not happy endings unless both people wanted out of their marriages prior to this beginning. That was not the case before it started for either one of us. So it was pure temptation and lust. This is not love. I see all this now and as time passes and u begin to heal you will too. U will not be with her in the long term so try hard to stop carrying a torch for her She is playing on your emotions. They knee how to keep us stringing along. It's all an illusion. In this case, she acted more like the married man and its because she is happy at home to some degree. I know it hurts but its reality. Love will move mountains for another. I believe in the power of love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dupedforreal123 Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 @naive. I believe the same things - I just know that she held quite a bit of guilt and she’s not a person to hurt someone on purpose. And she didn’t want to break up her family. Plus the stressors of her cultured family - she finally threw in the towel. I try not to take it personal but it is so hard. I feel like a failure in more way than one. It really drains your soul because it feels like it was all a sham in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 It was a sham the whole time. I know it hurts to accept that, but it's the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 The best way I've ever heard a MW describe her affair was this, it wasn't about loving the affair partner or not being in love with my husband, it was about being a woman in a stable life as a wife and a mother, then having a opportunity to reinvent myself within the affair. It was something just for me that got out of hand and hurt people I never Intended to hurt. I convinced myself it was love, i mean why else would i have done it. I convinced myself i couldn't possibly love my husband, being in love would mean I was a monster. No, it was never about being in love, it was about being selfish. I spoke with this woman early on after learning of my wifes affair as she was trying to convince me to not divorce too fast. At the time I didn't really buy it, but now, after hearing some many stories I believe this is the base for the vast majority. Point being love is an action, and when someone is taking from two people and giving very little back who do they really love? only themselves. That is what the actions indicate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 @duped for real. Just keep saying over and over again that she never had intentions of loving you the way you needed to be loved. You will eventually believe it. Try and put ur feelings for her in a box everyday the pain will lessen trust me. I never thought I would come out of this on the other side. U will have to fight through it. Dont suppress it but walk through the pain. She doesnt deserve you! Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I was one of those poor slobs who found out the hard way years after the affair was over, and only painfully after being in denial, and being gas-lit and then TT'ed for months. Everything made sense after the truth slowly emerged. I think back to her behavior during the affair and a lot of it was pretty typical wayward stuff. I got the ILYBINILWY speech quite a few different ways. She told me that our marriage was never really real, and that she doubted that she ever loved me. I remember being very confused as to what the hell she was talking about because none of it made sense, since I didn't know she was having an affair with a co-worker. I believe everything she was doing at the time was for the purposes of justification and rationalization and also to ease her guilt. I think many women are serial monogamists, and they don't feel right about loving or having sex with two men at the same time, so waywards often cut off their husbands (or do the bare minimum to keep the marriage alive) because having sex with them makes it feel like they are betraying their true love, the AP. Your AP is probably in this rationalization fog, and that is why she says she loves her husband, but is not "in love" with him. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 @Zona!!! Spot on!! U just explained exactly how I handled it. A complete and utter fog. It was so thick i had to fall hard to realize what was happening here. It took me years because I kept telling myself MM loves me so it must be true. Boy did i learn the hard way. Has it marriage recovered?? Link to post Share on other sites
Zona Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 @NW I don't want to jack DupedFR's thread, but we are still together. She looks back and just scratches her head now at her behavior. The guy was a player, and she has some narcissistic tendencies and FOO issues (that she is now aware of and trying to get rid of through counselling ), so it was a bad combination. The hardest thing is to rebuild any kind of trust because of the trickle truth, and the fact she hid it from me for so long. For some reason she reached out to him many years later via facebook, and that's what started the ball rolling to me busting her. I also found her old iphone that she was using at the time in a drawer. Anyways, sorry to Jack your thread DFR. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 @Zona. I am happy you were able to forgive her. Trust can be earned. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 @naive. I believe the same things - I just know that she held quite a bit of guilt and she’s not a person to hurt someone on purpose. And she didn’t want to break up her family. Plus the stressors of her cultured family - she finally threw in the towel. I try not to take it personal but it is so hard. I feel like a failure in more way than one. It really drains your soul because it feels like it was all a sham in the end. What you say about this woman and what she truly is simply don't match. She didn't want to break up her fmaily, so she goes and does the one frickin' thing in the whole world she knew could cause that to happen? She had choices to make, and she chose to have an affair. It wasn't an "oopsie" , it wasn't star crossed lovers kept apart by cruel fate and she isn't some innocent little lamb being led along. She knew what she was doing, and in her mind, she was okay with it. See here's the secret...people don't usually do things they don't want to do. For whatever reason, she was willing to ask her family to unknowingly assume the risk for her behavior. She didn't acre if it hurt them, so long as it was what she wanted. That doesn't make her evil incarnate, but the idea that she's some poor innocent little thing is laughable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author dupedforreal123 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 @pepper. Yes I am starting to see this now. I knew from the beginning that she would never leave her spouse. Thou for some reason I didn’t want to think logically about it. My heart and my head were telling me two different things. I am starting to realize that although she had feelings for me I was was just a gap filler. It hurts. It hurts to know I wasn’t really the person I thought I was for her. You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders and interested to hear your story. I assume that an affair had some impact in your life and interested in knowing what and how you see things differently from then to where you are today. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 @pepper. Yes I am starting to see this now. I knew from the beginning that she would never leave her spouse. Thou for some reason I didn’t want to think logically about it. My heart and my head were telling me two different things. I am starting to realize that although she had feelings for me I was was just a gap filler. It hurts. It hurts to know I wasn’t really the person I thought I was for her. You seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders and interested to hear your story. I assume that an affair had some impact in your life and interested in knowing what and how you see things differently from then to where you are today. Ah, I was the bs and my ws's ow was, well, not mentally sound. She has a personality disorder and was like a black hole, sucking in any emotional energy around her. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 @duped for real. How r u holding up?? R u out of the fog a little bit?? It is getting easier and less intense for me. Time is really a healer! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dupedforreal123 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 @ naive. Thanks for asking. I’m doing ok. Still sad and depressed but I’m making it thru. Things are starting to be a bit more clear - thinking of reasons why it would have been an all around bad deal for all involved. For her and me. For her she has two little kids that would have had their lives disrupted. And a husband that if it were me would have been devastated. And I wouldn’t have wanted it to happen to me. And her family especially- not sure she could have dealt with it. For me - I have to look at my marriage and determine if it can be saved. My main concerns are can my wife fulfill the needs I’m looking for - and I guess I have to ask you is it selfish for me to ask for my needs to be met? And if she can’t then what - do I just grudge along? Is that a way to live a life? At my counseling sessions my therapist has determined that I am co-dependent. And after researching this and other things I believe my wife has narssistic tendencies. I believe OW was narssistic as well - now that I have had a chance to sit back and look at things. Codependents and narssistic people attract to each other so I have been told. So what do you think? Is it selfish to ask for needs to be met? Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 ...I believe my wife has narcissistic narcissistic tendencies. I believe OW was narssistic narcissistic as well... So what do you think? Is it selfish to ask for needs to be met? It depends, but asking for needs to be met by narcissists is an exercise in futility. Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 @duped for real. How r u holding up?? R u out of the fog a little bit?? It is getting easier and less intense for me. Time is really a healer! I think it's time, perspective and hard emotional work. You're putitng those in, and they are starting to pay off:) Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 So what do you think? Is it selfish to ask for needs to be met? That all depends. It's selfish to put your needs ahead of others if that means hurting them to do it. In the context of a marriage, I don't think it's selfish to have needs and to talk to your spouse about how they can be met. It is selfish to have needs and expect them to be met without your spouse knowing about them. It's also selfish for a spouse to expect their husband or wife to be a mind reader. I once read a post by a woman who was complaining that her husband was some terrible guy. She had been doing some soul searching and came to a realization about herself, and she was angry with her husband because he didn't automatically understand it. In her mind, that meant he didn't know her, didn't care, etc., when the thing was she didn't even understand it about herself,m yet she expected him to? In western society, there is a huge emphasis on the importance of the "self" and this belief that somehow, simply because we exist, that we somehow inherently deserve to be "happy". I don't believe that. I believe happiness is an end product of effort and choices we make, and we don't have the right to walk all over others in order to find it. Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Is it selfish to ask for needs to be met? Well, I suppose that depends on what those needs are and how you go about meeting them... I think Pepperbird has a good point. There is nothing wrong with voicing your needs or even going about trying to getting your needs met... as long as you don’t meet your own needs at the expense of someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) @dupedforreal. U r making some great progress. Yes, we do become selfish and then realize we must take a step back and look at all the pain we would cause. Everyone would be mad at you and then that would ultimately make you even unhappier. Believe me it's sad and depressing but the alternative is worse. It's hard to rationalize or truly see this because you love her. But trust me it will weaken. I too am codependent and my MM had narcissistic tendencies which is why I probably felt like I was brainwashed lol. He was very controlling of me and my whereabouts and I felt trapped for awhile. Took me long to gain my confidence and strength to walk away. One piece of advice, please do nothing at the moment until your emotions for the MW begin to dissolve. Your wife could do cartwheels for you at the moment and you wont notice while being so emotionally attached to other. You need time and space. Do this the best way you can but do not try to explain what's missing now until you refeel your emotions to your wife. Guilt and shame has yet too set in for both of us. But as other posters have stated it WILL come and we will be hit hard!! Another tornado internally to deal with. So one thing at a time. It's working for me and I hope this advice will help you. We r in this trauma at the same exact time. Edited February 18, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 op/Naivewomen, Given how far you are both coming and how you are facing your demons head on, I predict great things for both of you. It takes true courage to do what you're doing. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 @pepper bird .. thank you so much!! I really appreciate your words of encouragement. I am mentally healing, growing, and leading with my heart. I was in such a dark place with all.of this that it feels better to live and honest life. Whatever happens now will be after I put in all efforts that my family deserves. I USED to always lead an honest life. This was way out of my character. I really led with my heart I didnt even realize how selfish I had become. My goal is too help others in this mess of a situation. I have asked my IC to find support groups as I would love to share my story and hopefully save others from this type of disaster and addiction. Recovery can only make me a better person. Im looking forward to the stronger version of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dupedforreal123 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 @pepper @naive. I’ve really taken up to finding out more about my codependent behavior. My therapist said that I have a pretty bad case of this and from what I have been reading I have to agree. I believe this has somewhat contributed me not looking at things honestly and reaching out to others to do it for me. My wife commented that if I figured this out “You will probably leave me”. This may or may not be true as I have a long way to go to heal. My self is battered bruised and full of an empty soul. I pray I find peace and the hurt goes away. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 @duped. Good job!!! Figuring out with the therapist is the first step with figuring out why you settled for this unhealthy relationship. These forums will help you too. It does get better. Look back on my threads. I have been so empty for so many month's. I grew very tired of feeling unhappy. Wasted days and endless nights. My Goodness there are.people on ventilation machines fighting for one more breath. Come on we have to snap out of this!! How great can a person be if they hurt you!! Really??? You will grow and become stronger than before. Hopefully, your marriage can survive!! Reopen your heart and start with kindness!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author dupedforreal123 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 So as I stated before I thing MOW and I work together- she has had it in her mind that she wants to remain friends. I decided over the weekend this probably shouldn’t happen. She came in my office this morning to ask how my weekend was. I just said coldly. “It was a weekend”. Should I feel bad about this? Did I do the right thing ya think? I was kinda of a ***k about it but I think she got the point. I still feel bad about doing it. Should I? It has remained professional I am just not chit chatting. Link to post Share on other sites
Abetterme Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 Hi Duped- Glad to see you are doing better. Unfortunately your healing/getting over this, doesn’t align with her wishes and you need to look out for yourself. I think you should be more direct with her and let her know that you’re not capable of being friends with her. You two crossed a line and a friendship isn’t possible. If you try to remain friends you will continue to over analyze or feel bad about every interaction with her just as you’ve done today. You care about her, you don’t want to hurt her, but her selfishly thinking she can be your friend -is hurting you! It is hard I understand, but it is the only way. Tell her you need to move forward. You can be kind about it and if she cares for you she will understand. Link to post Share on other sites
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