MW wants to be friends [Was: Help me understand]

[aliveagain]

I've had an affair - I'm the last one to judge you. I also have been through divorce.

 

I firmly believe it's in your best interest to face reality and stop letting yourself swim around in nostalgia for the OW. I say this from experience.

 

Being smacked around here by other posters has helped me in my journey to heal and move forward. It hasn't always been pleasant, but it's been very helpful.

 

People that change the plot before the story has had a chance to play itself out will never know the real happiness that a good and healthy relationship can bring. I have been married twice, my first wife was all about owning things, she was always about the lifestyle of the rich and famous, unfortunately for me she wasn't into doing the work to help get us to the lifestyle. She had an affair with her boss(I found out much later that their relationship went on more then 12 years, long after I was gone, his wife never knew) and some time later she had an affair with an airline pilot. I was in my early 20's and couldn't compete with them financially. I was struggling to keep a roof over our heads and at the same time I was doing my best to save money to buy a house. When I found out about her deceptions I was done( after months of begging and doing the pick me dance, I made every pathetic mistake you can make as a betrayed spouse, everyone).

 

It took me a long time to stop accepting the blame for her being unhappy. We ended up divorcing, didn't even make it to our second anniversary. I guess what I am getting at is both of these O/M were older and more established then me. Her infidelities destroyed us as a couple and never allowed the relationship to play itself out. I am now living the lifestyle that she always dreamed about having. The only time I think about her now is when I refer to her here on LoveShack. I accepted her as a friend on Facebook 20 years later because I didn't think of her the same way anymore(I was her first and that was always very special for me) and I guess I wanted to rub her face in my success for the pain she caused me. Those are absolutely the wrong reasons for opening communications with her again. It did not help me on my own personal journey.

 

Why kill something before it's time? If your not happy and don't want to do the work every relationship requires then end it before you jump into another one. Don't selfishly destroy people when there are less hurtful ways to end a relationship. If your too weak to end it then at least be honest enough to let your partner end it. It blows my mind to know that some people think they can fix the problems in their relationships by looking to others outside their marriage for happiness. Being part time in your own marriage can only end one way, badly. Own your choices. No one wins when it comes to infidelity.

[pepperbird]

If divorce was easy I am sure everyone would do it - there is lots of things to think about. 1) vows - I made a commitment 2) kids 3) financial 4) can I handle being on my own. Thoughts?

 

 

 

 

two things...

 

 

first, lots of people divorce. it isn't easy, but stop using this as an excuse

 

 

 

second...you mention vows. I find that quite disingenuous. Vows? You sir, have already broken them, kicked them in the teeth and left them dying in the dust. Why bring them up now? I doubt your vows and commitments go anything like " I vow to be faithful, so long as I don't feel like straying".

[pepperbird]

@dupedforrel123.

This is exactly my marriage!! Now we feel like we have nothing!! We clung onto our AP for them to kinda save us from our sinking ship the problem is their ship was afloat. Unfortunately, you and her had very different agendas. This is exactly how my affair turned out as well. Now I feel like I will never be happy again. It's a terrible feeling. I know exactly the highs you received and well you are simply missing how she made you feel. It's a tough one and there are no simple answers. The only thing I can say after several months NC is take care of you. Find distractions outside of your marriage for now. Give yourself a mental break. Take a walk, go to the gym, get a massage and etc. This was traumatizing on the brain. I feel and felt major trauma. I havent grieved like this EVER!! I'm so very sorry for your pain.

 

 

Sometimes, we can wallow in our pain. It becomes comforting, like a warm, wet blanket. Nasty, but still, we use it.

 

 

You are convincing yourself your pain is insurmountable. Try re framing it. You can, and you will get through this. I would suggest that, instead of putting your marriage aside to focus on how bad you feel because your affair has ended, you do the opposite. Put he affair in a little box for a while. you can revisit t it it later. For ow, focus on something, anything else. Allow yourself a set amount of time every day to grieve. I know it sounds silly, but set aside maybe half an hour a day. In that time, grieve however you need to. Write about your feelings,talk to a friend about them, tell off your ex-om in a letter you will never send, do what you need to do, then when that time is up, tell yourself you can heal and you will heal and put the lid back on the affair box, full stop. Don't give yourself the luxury of opening it up again until the next day.

 

Do this every day, and one day, you will find you don't do it. You'll forget because something else will be more important.

 

Your affair only has as much power over you as you will give it. stop feeding the beast so much and it will fade away.

Edited January 27, 2019 by pepperbird

[DKT3]

when married women have affairs the tend to do so by raising problems in her marriage. Sometimes they are very valid issues, sometimes small issues magnified and other times completely manufactured. It's how they justify blowing up something that they have put so much effort into. Then sometimes all of a sudden they realize that is what they are doing.

 

I dont have any doubts that she was/is connected to you in some way. No enough to walk away from her marriage.

 

I just had a thought, could it be that she is already pregnant? It could explain the sudden hitting of the eject button. Is there a chance you could have gotten her pregnant? That would actually explain a lot.

[dupedforreal123]

when married women have affairs the tend to do so by raising problems in her marriage. Sometimes they are very valid issues, sometimes small issues magnified and other times completely manufactured. It's how they justify blowing up something that they have put so much effort into. Then sometimes all of a sudden they realize that is what they are doing.

 

I dont have any doubts that she was/is connected to you in some way. No enough to walk away from her marriage.

 

I just had a thought, could it be that she is already pregnant? It could explain the sudden hitting of the eject button. Is there a chance you could have gotten her pregnant? That would actually explain a lot.

 

It was mostly EA .... we never did the deed. And no she is not yet pregnant.

[dupedforreal123]

when married women have affairs the tend to do so by raising problems in her marriage. Sometimes they are very valid issues, sometimes small issues magnified and other times completely manufactured. It's how they justify blowing up something that they have put so much effort into. Then sometimes all of a sudden they realize that is what they are doing.

 

I dont have any doubts that she was/is connected to you in some way. No enough to walk away from her marriage.

 

I just had a thought, could it be that she is already pregnant? It could explain the sudden hitting of the eject button. Is there a chance you could have gotten her pregnant? That would actually explain a lot.

 

Then why did she tell me all those things. To me it’s like it never meant a thing to her....nothing. She talks about a future and then changes her mind. It’s like it never meant nothing to her....she goes on. Her life is glorious now. Can you help me understand?

[elaine567]

Then why did she tell me all those things. To me it’s like it never meant a thing to her....nothing. She talks about a future and then changes her mind. It’s like it never meant nothing to her....she goes on. Her life is glorious now. Can you help me understand?

 

 

Have you never been in a relationship where things went sour?

 

All hearts and flowers one minute to all over the next..

Affairs can be just like normal relationships, one person one day goes, "No I do not want to do this any more" and it ends...

[TooBad]

Then why did she tell me all those things. To me it’s like it never meant a thing to her....nothing. She talks about a future and then changes her mind. It’s like it never meant nothing to her....she goes on. Her life is glorious now. Can you help me understand?

 

 

 

And this is your actual problem, isn't it? You feel like ****, because you feel that you meant nothing to her... You should stop that, really. Or see someone about it...

 

 

Understanding anything or everything won't change how you feel right now.

[DKT3]

It was mostly EA .... we never did the deed. And no she is not yet pregnant.

 

How could you possibly know she isn't already pregnant?

 

As hard as it is for you to hear this, she simply wasn't as invested in the relationship as you. I guessing she misled you about the state of her marriage.

 

Couple things, she will be back, maybe as a "friend" dont allow it, you will but you shouldn't. Secondly, understand as bad as you feel and as much as you are invested it sounds like she used you to fill a gap, and likely never truly believe what she was saying. You were planning a future she was future faking.

[dupedforreal123]

How could you possibly know she isn't already pregnant?

 

As hard as it is for you to hear this, she simply wasn't as invested in the relationship as you. I guessing she misled you about the state of her marriage.

 

Couple things, she will be back, maybe as a "friend" dont allow it, you will but you shouldn't. Secondly, understand as bad as you feel and as much as you are invested it sounds like she used you to fill a gap, and likely never truly believe what she was saying. You were planning a future she was future faking.

 

Honestly I don’t want her to come back. How could I trust her again? Look I’m just trying to go thru the process. I made the bed now I have to lay in it - I get it. Would you want them to contact you after telling you all the BS - the funny thing is I knew this was going to happen. I knew it but kept telling myself it can’t be true. I told her many times that you can’t have both - I guess she finally figured that out.

[Vivir]

Then why did she tell me all those things. To me it’s like it never meant a thing to her....nothing. She talks about a future and then changes her mind. It’s like it never meant nothing to her....she goes on. Her life is glorious now. Can you help me understand?

 

She told you all of those things because she could. The consensus around here is that liars lie. Maybe she believed what she was saying at the time... maybe she used you to fill a gap, Like DKT3 stated, but since that sounds terrible to most people (we don't want to be the villain), she would *never* admit that this is the gist of what she did with you.

 

People are allowed to change their minds. We cannot control decisions people make. We may be able to influence their decisions, but ultimately, they are the ones who decide.

 

How do you know her life is now glorious?

 

She could be miserable. Whether she is or not, does that matter to you? Why or why not?

 

While you're worried about her and her house with her husband, your own is burning to the ground. What are you going to do about that?

[dupedforreal123]

Be happy for MW for choosing to stay in her marriage or angry that she led me on all this time? What is best?

[stillafool]

Be happy for her because it was wrong to get involved with another man's wife. Please make better choices for yourself in the future as you can see how much pain this arrangement causes.

[TooBad]

What is best is that you become indifferent instead of shifting how you feel about her according to the belief of the day. But it looks like you have a long way to go.

[Rayce]

If you love her than you will be happy for her and respect her wishes.

[BaileyB]

She can’t lead you anywhere you don’t want to go.

 

It’s time you learn to responsibility for your own actions and your own decisions. She is inconsequential at this point...

Edited January 28, 2019 by BaileyB

[Naivewomen]

@pepperbird.

Thank you so much for those words. I WILL do this everyday. It is getting a bit easier but hes still a huge miss for me. But I am happy is hes happy honestly. I didnt expect anything I just wanted to really stop believing the unbelievable and now I dont have that anxiety and stress anymore. So I am finally getting some relief.

@duped for real. Gain ur power back!! She doesnt get you!! She will have to deal with that loss also. Even If she is happily married for now I can tell you from being a women she will never forget you. I know it's not comforting enough but if she shared emotions with you it definitely meant something. People are not that cruel at least that's my belief.

[dupedforreal123]

@naive. What do you mean she doesn’t get me? And I know this is going to sound selfish but I think you will understand when asking. Why did she choose her marriage instead of a life with me. I’m sure you have asked yourself the same question.

Edited January 29, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Redact quote of prior post

[Naivewomen]

@duped for real. What I mean is: she doesnt get to keep you either. Know your power and strength. Know what you could have made her happy. I believe he knew my heart. He wasnt willing to give me his. It's there loss too!! You know who you are and what you brought to the table. You were genuine with your feelings for her as was I. They know this!! If it was meaningless to them well then that's on them. I was genuine and didn't lie. I really felt. U sound like a great guy that lost his way. We both did. I have no idea how to recover and move forward but I just know that he no longer has a hold of me the way he wanted!!

[Naivewomen]

@Dkt3 just an fyi. Lately several MM have come forward on these threads explaining their love for the MW. Very contradictory to what you state. I have not notice you commenting on any of them?? Can u explain why?

[DKT3]

@Dkt3 just an fyi. Lately several MM have come forward on these threads explaining their love for the MW. Very contradictory to what you state. I have not notice you commenting on any of them?? Can u explain why?

 

Not unusual at all...roughly 10% of MM will leave the marriage for his AP. So it happens. 8t happens quickly and those men are already 3/4 of the way out.

 

My point is 10%...its actually 9% how many of you MW/OW are that 9%..I'm guessing 9%. Not good odds, not good enough to toss a decent marriage.

[Naivewomen]

@DKT3 I'm not talking about anyone leaving for anyone. What I am saying is that MM happy and unhappy ones can and do fall in love with others. It's a feeling and emotion that grows inside of you. What the person does with those feelings is their own decision. But please dont state all MM are only phsycially attached for extra. It's not the case with all of them. Neither one of us went looking it was simply a major phsyical and emotional connection. Not saying its worth it st the end of the day but I'm saying it's very powerful!!

[Bittersweetie]

Why did she choose her marriage instead of a life with me.

 

Duped, what was your choice? Were you going to choose her instead of your marriage? And if so, how did you see that looking? Asking your wife for an open marriage?

 

I ask these questions because...you are so focused on your xAP and HER actions and choices that you really aren't looking closely at yours. Regardless of the kind of marriage you have, you made the choice (no "it just happened," you made choices) to disrespect your marriage, your wife, your family, and most of all YOURSELF.

 

I was a fMW, in my affair I lost all my personal integrity. It has taken me years of hard work and introspection to even get some of my own integrity back. What steps are you taking to move forward? If you are miserable, make a change that doesn't hurt others.

[dupedforreal123]

@DKT3 I'm not talking about anyone leaving for anyone. What I am saying is that MM happy and unhappy ones can and do fall in love with others. It's a feeling and emotion that grows inside of you. What the person does with those feelings is their own decision. But please dont state all MM are only phsycially attached for extra. It's not the case with all of them. Neither one of us went looking it was simply a major phsyical and emotional connection. Not saying its worth it st the end of the day but I'm saying it's very powerful!!

 

@DKT3 @Naive. Look I fell in love with this women - did I make a bad decision by doing so yes but that doesn’t change what I felt about her. If I didn’t feel that way I would have just moved on but I haven’t - yet. She was my best friend - the only one I have ever had. She got me and I got her. Men do have feelings - for me it had nothing to do with sex. It had to do with being intimate on an emotional level. Can I get that with my wife? Not sure - I have to work thru this before I work on that. I know most on here would like to criticize and shame those who are on here. I just need time to process and grieve and just looking for a little help to do that.

[Naivewomen]

@duped for real. I understand all about that. Needing time to process before seeing if marriage can work. This is traumatizing to the heart and soul. Not many can understand the heartbreak feel. I do. I have ur back!! Keep posting I will keep following. Talk therapy helps but I am not sure how much because I havent dismissed my feelings for MM. I'm expecting it to take awhile. My husband is not on the back burner either. I care very much about his happiness and have told him that we are missing so much. Neither one of us knows how to reconnect. Not sure its even feasible.