Vivir Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I no longer feel that I am necessarily trying to stay away from xMM. We are effectively and completely out of each other's lives. This month will mark the 18th month since I went no contact. I haven't seen him at all since 11/2017 when he aggressively busted up my boundaries. He hasn't tried to get in touch with me since 4/2018. The block continues to be in place, mostly because I don't think about it enough to do anything about it. I knew I could do it, but I was very afraid of no contact. I am very glad to be out of that situation and on the other side of the acute pain of it, though I still struggle with the underlying reasons for being in a position to begin an affair (i.e., loneliness, which is a big one). Today, I am much more self-aware, I refuse not to tell the truth, and I have some clear boundaries. I continue to cope with having a past affair hanging over my head as part of my relationship history. As I continue my journey, I expect to solidify how I feel about that and perhaps come to better terms with it. But the affair itself... I have to say... ...never again. Not ever. And don't envy anyone beginning one, in one or dealing with the roller coaster of stop/start or push/pull or ending one... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotADayGoesBy Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) Vivid, I’m glad you posted this today. Today I am feeling very miserable and despondent; like I’m never going to get past this. I know I will, eventually, but days like today I feel like I’m not going to make it to that day with my sanity intact. It’s nice to hear from someone in the future. I know two things are drawing this out: working with him, and the fact that he was already in an affair when he started a relationship with me. I wish that behavior would have been enough to make the feelings disappear but it didn’t. I feel like it broke me—especially when I found out the other OW was a friend. I have tried everything to talk myself out of feeling like the consolation prize, but I still feel it acutely. Maybe I feel so bad today because someone asked me to be on a committee to plan a beautification project that I was very excited about, only to find out xMM and OOW were on it too. So I made myself look like a jerk by backing out with no good reason. There is no way I could be in a committee with the two of them, even though their affair is supposedly over. No. No effing way. Edited February 5, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Vivir Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 NotADayGoesBy, I think it is good on you that you removed yourself from the work situation. You did yourself a kindness there, especially if it is already difficult working at the same place as these two. Maybe you didn't do it the way you should've, but the outcome is what was necessary for your own healing. It takes Time to get past these things, so you are doing the best you can given the circumstances. Just don't give up on you. Each time you choose you, you will build confidence and resilience. Wishing you peace of mind today Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotADayGoesBy Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 If you have read my other posts, you know I work with my xMM. I have tried to stay away from him as much as I can--I even asked him about a month ago to stop coming to my office with work items and to email or call instead (which he complied with). But we had a large event yesterday that forced us to work together a lot face to face the past three days and it has taken its toll. We work together just fine--it's what it does to me emotionally. Today I can't think or concentrate, and I feel so miserable. I hate seeing him, and yet I want to see him. I have considered getting another job (which I thought I would never do) but I have decided to try and stick it out, because I would not find the benefits of this job anywhere around here. Pay is part of that, but more importantly to me is the flexibility and time off (I work part time in the summer). This is huge to me while my children are still young. I'm starting to scare myself with how long this it taking to 'get over it' so to speak and move on. I mean, the affair itself only lasted 4 months--not years. My feelings for him are still there despite a million reasons to hate him, and I'm still gutted by the fact that he was already in an affair with a friend of mine when he started with me. She doesn't know about me or that I know about them--keeping their secret has been a huge burden to carry. I try to stay away from her too and even skipped a meeting for a committee I'm on with both of them, just to avoid being around them both. I feel like I'm doing what I can to move on including IC but I'm having a hard time getting my mind and heart to cooperate. I'm sure the only answer to this is time, but if anyone has any ideas I'd love to hear them. I'm so tired of being an emotional mess. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotus_Luna Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Lets look deeper.... Could you be taking some other hurt and trauma and attaching it to him? I found that happened.... I needed to dig deep within myself to understand why I was attached and why I was hurting. It had more to do with everything else in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotADayGoesBy Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 Yes, you have a point. I have been trying to dig deep, but there is probably more there. One of the things I found is this: my marriage has always lacked passion, in particular, physical passion--from day one. I had convinced myself that something was wrong with me (hormones or whatever) and that's why I had lost interest in sex (even though we have sex weekly and it is good enough by most standards). This has been a painful realization because I was convinced it was a physical issue with me, or maybe I told myself that because that was easier to accept. Well, enter MM and we had such a physical chemistry it all came roaring back and I realized: oh my God, this was here all along. Just not with my H (and again, I don't mean it went away--it was never there). I am trying my best to get some passion in our lives through various means, but to be honest, I've been disappointed every time. So, I am working through the realization that in order to keep a marriage that is wonderful in many other ways, I will have to learn to live with the percentage that isn't and I'm finding it hard to accept because the genie is now out of the bottle. I'll keep trying, but this may be how it is no matter what I do, and that hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 @nadgb. R u still physically attracted to your spouse??? This seems to be my biggest problem at the moment! Link to post Share on other sites
Lotus_Luna Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) Yes, you have a point. I have been trying to dig deep, but there is probably more there. One of the things I found is this: my marriage has always lacked passion, in particular, physical passion--from day one. <snip> Could it be your lack in passion is a lack of excitement, connection or romantic intimacy? Just because someone turns you on doesnt mean they’re good for you. Sometimes we react strongly to someone who triggers our traumas. Edited February 14, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotADayGoesBy Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 @nadgb. R u still physically attracted to your spouse??? This seems to be my biggest problem at the moment! I am, he is attractive and I've always thought so. He's more fit and attractive than xMM. Maybe like LL said, it's a lack of connection/intimacy...that could definitely use some work. Link to post Share on other sites
Naivewomen Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Okay that's a good sign. I am struggling too with the same which caused me too loose physical attraction and my MM was very attractive that didnt help.matters. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Hi, NADGB. Just my person opinions, but: Well, enter MM and we had such a physical chemistry it all came roaring back It's a difficult situation. As gets pointed out a lot around here, the "illicit" nature of affair sex tends to make it more exciting. Maybe try something with your H that is socially inappropriate but not actually illegal such as making out (but NOT actual nudity/sex obviously) in public? Light BDSM (at home, w/ requisite safety precautions)? So, I am working through the realization that in order to keep a marriage that is wonderful in many other ways, I will have to learn to live with the percentage that isn't Well, we ALL gotta do that. Just part of married life... I'm sure the only answer to this is time, but if anyone has any ideas I'd love to hear them. I'm so tired of being an emotional mess Agree about time. Unfortunately seeing this person is probably continuing to trigger your residual limerence/other feelings. You had the right idea in changing jobs, as making it basically impossible to see the AP helps the most IMO. But if you can't quit for other reasons, you are probably stuck with it. Some MMs at least have genuine feelings for the OW. Reminding yourself that this person was seeing your other friend all along (which must make you feel resentful) might help a little. Just a user IMO... Link to post Share on other sites
Author NotADayGoesBy Posted February 14, 2019 Author Share Posted February 14, 2019 Hi Mark, thanks for your input. I think the fact that he was already seeing someone AND it was a friend who I already struggled with feelings of jealousy about, made it all the worse. Easy to say now I guess, but I feel like I'd be handling it better if he broke things off to repair his marriage, especially since I had no intention of leaving H. This whole thing has just completely messed with my head, which I guess is part of the package when you get involved with an affair. Being a level headed person, I just can't believe I'm still so broken over this after months. But like you said, having to see him all the time keeps reopening the wound. Link to post Share on other sites
Aloha123 Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 Oh gosh can i relate to the depression and let down that comes from having your sexuality reawakened in a way that never even existed with your spouse to begin with,and to the MM being sexier and better looking and more charismatic etc than your husband ever was, etc.. And then having to go back to that bleak pre-existing reality. I think that may be one of the factors that makes breaking away from or getting over a MM so difficult for us OW who are married. There is a hopelessness to going back to your "old life", especially with this "new knowledge" that can become overwhelming. In my case it's particularly pronounced because I know that MM and his wife have a great sex life. So that's like, an extra slap in the face. To know that she is experiencing the life I want, WITH him, in a parallel universe that I wish I could be magically transported to but know I can't. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 14, 2019 Share Posted February 14, 2019 (edited) I am trying my best to get some passion in our lives through various means, but to be honest, I've been disappointed every time. If you want to feel passionate about your husband then you are going to have to find ways to see him when he is in his "element" and to do that from some kind of distance. Odds are, you mostly connect with you husband in his down time when he's focused on the mundane and less energizing parts of daily living. Your window to the other man I suppose is when he's working and at his most engaged and powerful state of being - you are also distanced from him by the setting and secrecy. I think we all feel passionate about someone when we can watch them being passionate about something else. Edited February 14, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
misspalmy Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 i have to deal with him cos i have son to him. hes behaving himself so i dont think he will cheat in her a 3 time. she has people there to watch him too Link to post Share on other sites
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