Really Struggling Today

[ABernie]

I don't think it hurts to look to see what jobs are out there. Maybe more jobs are listed after the holidays. You can see it as a promotion move?

 

Do remember that ICs do have a code of ethics. Maybe you can find a local one and go on your lunch break. I don't go every week, maybe once a month or when something big has happened. I also spend a lot of time with her talking about my kids and how I can be the best mom I can be. So it has tons of other benefits.

[FMW]

I discovered last week that my xMM might become a permanent part of my weekly "event", permanently replacing another musician. It's only 4 hours, once a week, but I was like you have to be kidding me. Why is he being shoved in my face, and even worse, why is this new OW who stays glued to him being forced on me. It's a fairly intimate setting.

 

I've decided that maybe the Universe or God or whatever you believe in is forcing me to face this and thoroughly deal with it. I don't get to just escape into complete NC. Some major lessons apparently I'm supposed to be learning.

 

I'm at a weird place where I still miss him and really hurt over him still, but at the same time I can't imagine ever being able to "be" with him again in any way. Even more confusing is my wish he would reach out to me privately again, but since I kind of torpedoed his last attempts at texting, that's unlikely. Especially since I very studiously avoid eye contact with him. I don't know why I still hope for additional private contact when I truly am disgusted by him, like I said, it's confusing.

 

It's definitely a lesson for us all to be very careful about who we give our hearts to. It seems almost impossible to really move on from these things.

[InvisibleLady]

Invisible Lady, congratulations on 6 months of NC!

________________________________________________

 

Two hours after I added my update to this thread xOM texted me. I didn't believe that would happen after so long. We have been done for over a year!!

 

I waited 3 days to reply. It was small talk, like anyone else you hadn't heard from in a while, nothing flirty or reminiscent. That was 3 days ago, nothing since. I guess he didn't get the response he wanted??

 

I don't feel any different for having 'spoken' to him...not better, not worse. The whole thing is strange after so long, I guess the fog has lifted some. I am not really the same person he had the affair with.

 

I know, I know, "why wasn't he blocked??". I guess if he reached out I wanted to know it, maybe I needed it...my ego, my self esteem...it all took such a beating. I was never certain how or if I'd respond if he reached out, I just knew I wouldn't contact him ever again. And I still won't.

 

…..Day 3 of NC.

[InvisibleLady]

Two hours after I added my update to this thread xOM texted me.

 

The above should read xMM (not xOM) - he's definitely married!

[NotADayGoesBy]

Invisible Lady, congratulations on 6 months of NC!

________________________________________________

 

Two hours after I added my update to this thread xOM texted me. I didn't believe that would happen after so long. We have been done for over a year!!

 

Holy cow I can’t believe it. I guess the old adage is true: they always come back. Like a horror movie monster.

 

ETA: I’m glad it didn’t upset you or make you feel worse. That is huge progress, right?

Edited December 21, 2018 by NotADayGoesBy

[InvisibleLady]

Holy cow I can’t believe it. I guess the old adage is true: they always come back. Like a horror movie monster.

 

ETA: I’m glad it didn’t upset you or make you feel worse. That is huge progress, right?

 

I cannot tell you how many times I read on here that "they always come back" and I was certain that would not be the case for me after so many months AND after his wife learning of my existence.

 

I think it is definitely progress that I am pretty 'meh' about the whole thing. I still think about him, but no more than before the contact. And I feel I have maintained the upper hand by not being the one to initiate, and I am the one who stopped replying when we were texting. Still, I know it's not as victorious as "ignore, delete & block".

 

Hope you are having a better day today, there is progress with time - I promise.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I discovered last week that my xMM might become a permanent part of my weekly "event", permanently replacing another musician. It's only 4 hours, once a week, but I was like you have to be kidding me. Why is he being shoved in my face, and even worse, why is this new OW who stays glued to him being forced on me. It's a fairly intimate setting.

 

I remember how you said you looked forward to your weekly jam sessions--I'm so sorry he is invading your territory. I know that feeling of the universe shoving him in your face. The last two weeks I did everything I could-practically hid in my office-to avoid OMM and OOW and still ran in to her at least once, and him almost every day (or saw him accidentally from afar). I was like: seriously? Why? In my case it's probably because I am hyper aware of him. In your case, you must have crappy luck! Seriously though, I'm sorry. It's not fair. That's how I felt when I tried out for the play in order to get my mind off OMM only to find out (unknown to me he was auditioning) he was given the lead...and we were directed by OOW (I swear you can't make this stuff up). I was like: COME ON. REALLY? Anyway, if I were you I'd try to find another place/people to play with because seeing him AND seeing new OW is just like ripping open the wound and pouring salt in it once a week. But maybe you can handle it better than I did.

 

Yesterday was hard and I thought oh good: I have an IC appointment. Only to get there and have him say, " I forgot but I have to pick up my son early from school. Is it ok that I end the session 25 minutes early?"

 

What I wanted to say: "look buddy, I took time off work, drove 40 minutes for this session, and I'm sitting here crying, and just found out I will likely not get to have a 50th birthday party next month which has totally bummed me out on top of the other crap I'm dealing with...WHAT DO YOU THINK? NO, NO IT'S NOT EFFING OK."

 

What I said: "um...sniff...ok"

[FMW]

The counselor shorting your session was not cool! You are there to talk to him about feeling rejected, etc. by the jerk and then he casually blows you off as well. Sheesh! I'm thinking maybe I'm too sensitive for counseling

 

Do you feel like it's getting any easier seeing OMM and OOW? I'm thinking (hoping) continued exposure to my xMM and his new OW will eventually lead to my being able to accept them simply as background scenery. Although last week xMM did force some minimal interaction with me that I couldn't ignore without drawing attention from others. I guess my ignoring him is just unacceptable to him. What an a**.

 

I refuse to be driven away from my Sunday afternoon thing so the only other option is to learn to deal with it. At some point surely it has to stop hurting.

 

It does help that I have a bit of a crush on another musician there and he pays me plenty of attention. It's like being in high school!

[NotADayGoesBy]

Hi everyone, how are you all doing?

 

The holidays were very rough for me. After the two week holiday vacation I was hoping to not see xMM for a few more weeks but no such luck. Every time I email him something work related, he stops by my office to respond. Despite this I was finally feeling better, until last Friday. I thought he wouldn’t be in at all, so when I turned to find him at my door after he knocked I visibly startled, enough that he commented on it. It just shook me, and I was like: that is it, enough. He even had the nerve to say “oh I missed your birthday, happy birthday.” Meanwhile, he had been to my office the day before (my actual bday) and I had a huge balloon bouquet in there from my mom. Seriously?That didn’t give it away? What stupid game are you playing? That is petty of me to mention it, but it just irked me.

 

So I got up the nerve to tell him (via phone, nicely) that I needed time to let the feelings die out and to get over the hurt over being his backup person, and to only use email or phone calls to communicate from now on. He was quiet and listened to what I said and then said ok.

 

I felt embarrassed, humiliated, and like a fool for having to come out and say I wasn’t over him, but I’m hoping it will help me move on to not have to see him as much. I get the feeling he was just A-Ok and had moved back into friendship mode and didn’t see the big deal. Maybe someday that will be possible, but not until the feelings I have are 100% gone and that is no where near happening.

[darkbloom]

I’m still knee deep in the fog. I’ve been working up the courage to go NC and mean it. I struggle with the mean it part. I don’t work with him, but we do have a lot of mutual friends. I’ve been avoiding hanging out in group settings and haven’t seen him since July.

 

My birthday was last week and he was an absolute jerk that week and didn’t talk to me. I refuse to get pulled back into a PA and am struggling to break the EA.

[NotADayGoesBy]

I’ve been working up the courage to go NC and mean it. I struggle with the mean it part.

 

^^The meaning it part is where I fail every time. I'm doing my part to stay away, but I don't want to. I make myself do it, but that's not the same as really wanting to do it.

[darkbloom]

^^The meaning it part is where I fail every time. I'm doing my part to stay away, but I don't want to. I make myself do it, but that's not the same as really wanting to do it.

 

The problem is I want to talk to him. I’m trying to convince myself I don’t and I deserve better and repeat. (It’s not working)

 

I’m not sure I deserve better. I feel like I derseeve the poor treatment since I made the poor decision to get involved in this affair.

[FMW]

Darkbloom, I think it's more than you feeling you don't deserve better BECAUSE you got involved in the affair.

 

Getting in to the affair in the first place means you already thought you didn't deserve better.

 

Your problem didn't start AFTER the affair began. It came before. So that's where you need to put your focus if you want to try and figure it out.

[Naivewomen]

@disappointing are u married??

[Missinghim17]

Im 5 months no contact and im miserable. Our affair has been on and off 10 years. He comes and goes. Broke it off with me because of the guilt he feels. Not the first time. He's broken up with me several times. This time felt more final. Im the OW. We never end things because we want to. We force ourselves to because of the situation.

Edited January 27, 2019 by Missinghim17

[Rayce]

I'm staying strong in NC but I miss him.

[Naivewomen]

@missinghim17. Same thing for me. His guilt was killing him. We only broke up because of the situation which makes it brutal. I almost would much rather have had a sense that we werent a good fit for another reason but it wasnt the case. The reality of our marriages was the reason. It's a very tough road ahead now.

[eastdean]

Years of NC now but I still miss her. I occasionally get weak and go on search, just to see how she's doing. She has effectively vanished from the usual sites. I think she has changed names. I'm glad for her but, very occasionally, sad for myself.

[LonelyITGuy]

I wasn't really aware I was in an EA (at least, maybe, a one-sided one) until someone pointed it out in my other thread. It sucks. I even avoid work functions in order to stay away from mine. Luckily, my office is a couple of floors above hers, so I can hide all day and minimize contact. She was just outside my office, talking to the person across from me. She didn't even say hi (again, our EA may be all on me and in my head - but still odd and bums me out she doesn't even say hi, given we've known each other so long). My heart rate climbs every time and I just feel physically shaky. It ruins my day, frankly. I'm such a mess.

[Naivewomen]

Years of NC now but I still miss her. I occasionally get weak and go on search, just to see how she's doing. She has effectively vanished from the usual sites. I think she has changed names. I'm glad for her but, very occasionally, sad for myself.

 

Why do u get sad?? Is it because u wished you had a life with her in fantasy land somewhere?

[Missinghim17]

5 months NC after a 10 year on and off affair. We are long distance so I don't have to see him at work or anything like that. I also blocked him on social media. Its not that I wanted to. Im actually very miserable without him. I had to. He thinks its ok to come and go in and out of my life at his convienience and break up with me every time he feels guilty for cheating on his wife and being secretive behind his kids backs. Then he misses me and comes back for a few months. Its a vicious cycle and he takes advantage of my love thinking i'll never leave him. He leaves me in horrible pain each time. Im hoping by blocking him for a while he will maybe see that im not ok with his crap. What do you guys think?

[NotADayGoesBy]

Missinghim17 you need to block him forever, not just a while. I know, easy to say but so hard to do.

 

Your story makes me sad..ten years you’ve been going through this? How awful. You said in another thread that you have managed to go a year of NC in the past—you’re almost half way there so why not keep going? Get on with your life this time. I know you miss him and love him, but if he really loved you he would have left his marriage long ago. Actually, he probably does love you;just not enough. Don’t you want to be with someone who loves you enough to commit to you?

 

Keep going NC. Give yourself a chance to have a new life. Keep coming here for support.

[jah526]

I stay away from him 100% except for FB. We were never friends on there, but I can’t seem to resist looking at his page. He has quite a few friends and sometimes I see people complimenting him and his beautiful family, and I think, if they only knew... He has so many people hoodwinked, he is just that good. Sometimes I wonder if I’m the only person who knows who he really is.

[TooBad]

Im hoping by blocking him for a while he will maybe see that im not ok with his crap. What do you guys think?

 

 

I think that blocking him should not be about what he thinks or will do about it, but about you really not wanting him anymore. And not wanting him to change the way he treats you, wich apparently is still what you mostly want and hope for.

[Miss Clavel]

yes, as a matter of fact i have been able to avoid my "addiction" for over thirty years. a day at a time. no contact.

 

i have also been able to work with my lover of over 5 years without getting sucked back in. when i'm done, i'm done.

 

and i wasn't done until i ...made a decision. i was able to make a decision because i can "think it through". and i think about what comes after i give in. not pretty.

 

i think of lovers and liquor as addictions. if you don't take the first "look/sip" you won't wake the dragon/obsession, which triggers the compulsion.