boyfriend being distant after saying I love you **Updated**

[hope18]

My boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me last week and I am trying to figure out what his recent actions could mean.

 

If you want the full story you can read my previous thread but I wanted to start a new one here now that this is a post-breakup situation.

 

We have broken up once before in October, basically when things got serious both times or his feelings got too intense he cuts it off and says he "lost feelings".

 

We broke up last wednesday, I didn't hear from him until I got a random snapchat yesterday (sunday). Our mutual friend also just told me last night that she hungout with him and our other friend on Friday and he was miserable, they asked him what was going on and he said "I broke up with Hope," and when they asked him why he did that he got all defensive and said "there were a lot of reasons, I'm going to bed" and stormed off. This was obviously satisfying to me because I convinced myself he truly lost feelings this time and was living his best life, already forgetting about me and moving on.

 

This morning I get a text from him asking to meet up. I say yes because I'm curious what he has to say, but I only have 30 minutes before class. He ends up coming to my dorm and gives me back a couple of my things, so I do the same and expect him to leave after. But he doesn't, he just sits down and makes small talk. There's an awkward silence for a bit and I ask him if he had anything on his mind. He said he felt bad because he never answered the text I sent him after we broke up (basically it just thanked him for the memories, told him there were no hard feelings and that I cared about him a lot and I said I hoped we could be on good terms). I told him I didn't really expect a response because he's never been great with words. He went back to small talk after that but didn't really say much. Then he asked who I've told about the breakup and I said a few friends, he seemed hurt by this so I asked him who he's told and he said just his roommate who asked why I hadn't been over lately. Then we went back to silence as I was walking around the room packing my bag for class and I could feel his eyes on me the whole time. He finally had to go and I expected him to just leave, but he walked over and hugged me and said he'd see me around, he is not a hugger.

 

I am so confused as to how to handle this. It's so obvious by his behavior that he still has feelings, and it hurts that we broke up because of his intimacy issues. I want to be friends with him, we got along great and I do feel like I have the upper hand now. But I wish I knew what was going through his head, why he told me he just lost feelings when apparently he's telling our friends there were "a lot of reasons". I miss him and part of me wants him to come back, but I also don't want to waste energy on something that will likely be a cycle. I just can't help feeling like this isn't over, especially because this has happened once before.

 

My friends say to keep moving on, to be friendly when I see him but to let him miss me and have him figure out what to do on his own. It's obvious to everyone else that he just got scared of his feelings (we broke up 3 days after he told me he loved me for the first time), and that hurts more knowing we could have had something great and the feelings are still there. I'm just so lost on what to do honestly and I don't know where to go from here.

[hope18]

He knows he left you for the wrong reasons - out of fear / protecting himself.

I think it's hard for him to be close to you.

 

You don't need that.

Let him fix himself up and get his crap together or he will do this again.

He's probably going to need more experience with other relationships to realize that he has a problem/pattern.

 

It sounds bad but take comfort in knowing he is sad and it's not really about you and then try to focus on yourself and heal.

 

I just can't help missing him and feeling like this isn't over. When I heard he wasn't doing well it made me happy, but then seeing him so sad and quiet in person just made me feel worse. I love him and I want him to be happy and it hurts that he can't just let himself be happy with me, that he has to run from his feelings instead of confronting them.

[stillafool]

The majority of people who break up with someone usually has residual feelings. It means nothing. Just keep it moving and go forward to heal from the break up.

[PRW]

It isn't that hard to figure out how to deal with this. He dumped you, so he has to be the one to approach you and try to make another date as a way to "re-start". So you just be friendly, don't block him out, and if he offers a new date you just say yes or no depending on what you want at the time. No big deal. Yes you are the one with the power at the moment.

[hope18]

I guess so, I just feel so lost right now. I miss him and I want him to come back again but I don't want to fall into that trap of convincing myself he will. Because yes he obviously still has feelings and is hurt and upset but that doesn't mean he's going to be able to set aside his pride and ask for another chance.

 

I just feel completely lost and confused because the breakup happened so abruptly when everything was going amazing for us. I just feel this need to be with him and I have to work on that because he may never come back and even if he does these issues aren't going away any time soon.

[ExpatInItaly]

The likelihood that you two will successfully reunite after a second breakup is just about nil, OP.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but it's true. You two might wind up getting back together for a bit, but the odds that you will stay together and develop a healthy and long-lasting relationship on a third attempt are extremely slim.

 

It's more likely you will do this back-and-forth with him and your own emotions until one of you tires of it altogether and moves on for good. In a couple years from now, he will be but a blip on the timeline of your romantic life. A guy who is actually boyfriend material for you will come along; this one isn't it.

Edited February 11, 2019 by ExpatInItaly

[hope18]

I know, I'm trying to handle the situation but I just don't know how. I know I should just forget it and move forward but I literally feel like my world was flipped because everything happened so abruptly. I know that even if he came back we wouldn't last, yet that doesn't change how I feel and I'm mad at myself for that.

 

I just can't stop trying to analyze everything. For example, our mutual friend ran into him again a few hours ago and said that he told her he's "not sure what to do now that he's single." So I automatically get hurt assuming that means he's just bored and ready to move on. But it could also mean he's lost right now too where we used to spend so much time together. I overthink everything when in reality I shouldn't give a damn.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just can't stop trying to analyze everything. For example, our mutual friend ran into him again a few hours ago and said that he told her he's "not sure what to do now that he's single." So I automatically get hurt assuming that means he's just bored and ready to move on. But it could also mean he's lost right now too where we used to spend so much time together. I overthink everything when in reality I shouldn't give a damn.

 

Tell your friends to stop updating you about him, for starters. It's not helpful.

 

Most dumpees feel the way you're feeling now when the break-up was unexpected and not mutual. It's very disorienting and painful. But with time and space away from the ex, it does fade.

 

You haven't let go yet because it's so fresh. Be patient with yourself in your healing. But do put as much distance there as possible, starting with your friends who keep telling you what he's up to and what he's saying.

[PRW]

Get out with friends. Maybe even a casual date would help. You need to practice dating where you don't get invested in the guy right form the start anyway. Practice makes perfect.

[Minneloa]

I am sorry you are hurting, OP. This situation is very fresh, and it doesn't help that you are in a small college setting. Do you have any friends or family nearby? If so, perhaps getting off campus this weekend would at least give you some distance & distraction.

 

Sending good thoughts,

M.

[hope18]

Thank you everyone,

 

I am feeling a bit better and I've been keeping myself busy with friends, living my life as much as I can.

 

Obviously he's still constantly on my mind, but he doesn't need to know that. Every time I start to wonder where his head is at, if he's regretting this, if he'll come back, I try to redirect my attention to myself i.e how am I feeling? Have I eaten today? How can I ease my anxiety in this moment?

 

Because the truth is, I think anyone can agree he's just a 19 year old boy who has never had feelings like this before and got scared/overwhelmed so he cut and run. And whether he comes back like last time or not, I need to stop making it all about him and just live my life. And hopefully in the process I realize I don't want him to come back.

 

I'm still hurting, still just as confused, and still wondering, but I'm managing. It does selfishly help knowing he's lost and having a hard time too, but I've asked my friends to stop updating me.

[hope18]

Hi everyone,

 

I was doing pretty well but now I'm down again. I think mostly because it's Valentine's Day. One of his friends approached me yesterday and asked how I was doing. She said she had asked him about me a few days ago and he told her about the breakup. I guess he told her he's not telling people because he isn't ready yet. She said he was really upset about it so she asked him why he broke up with me and he used the same excuse, that he lost feelings.

 

I just don't buy it, at all. If you lose feelings for someone you don't hide the breakup and get upset when people find out. You aren't miserable as if you're the one that was dumped. You don't go out of your way to change your schedule and avoid seeing the person you broke up with. It's like he can't even look at me. He has no reason to avoid me, I handled the breakup very well and we split on good, amicable terms. Obviously I cried, but there was no begging or pleading or nastiness or anything like that.

 

I really want to move on, but so much of my gut is telling me to hold on, that he'll be back. All of his actions indicate he hasn't actually lost feelings and that hurts because nothing adds up anymore.

[hope18]

How do you let go when your gut tells you they'll be back?

 

We dated for 6 months and split on good terms, he broke up with me because he got scared of how serious he was about me where we're both in college and I was his first serious gf.

 

Now he's showing signs of regret, his friends have told me he's miserable and not telling anyone about the breakup unless they ask because he's not ready. They said he won't talk about it. We split on good terms but now he can't even look at me or say hi when we pass each other.

 

I am trying to move on because he may never come back. But so much of me tells me that he will. This also isn't the first time this has happened, back in the fall we broke up because he got scared as well, he said he lost feelings but was back 3 weeks later saying he never actually lost feelings and wanted a second chance.

 

How do you move forward and stop longing for someone you have to see every single day and feel will be back?

[nolanola]

I empathize with you, because I've had the same thoughts. I just think you run the risk of getting stuck in a situation where you're putting your own life on hold until you either find out he's dating someone else or something else (like him coming back). It sounds like you're pretty young, so it might not seem like as big of a deal to wait and hope for months, but now that I'm older I'm very aware of how much time is passing by while I'm struggling.

 

This is not to say that it's easy to let go of hope because it's not. I still hope to someday get some further communication from my ex. As time passes though (it's been 3.5 months) and I don't see him, don't talk to him, don't see anything about him, he does start to fade a little bit in my mind.

 

It's harder for you, because it sounds like he's more physically present than my ex. Honestly, I would recommend that you try to avoid seeing him as much as possible (you might have to force yourself to walk different ways to class or to leave at different times), try to stop talking about him or hearing about him, and to insert some new things into your life (join a new group, go to a new class at your gym, etc). You will start to think about him less.

 

I think the other thing that happens is that we don't want to let go. We know it's the right thing to do, to try to move on, but there is a part of us that doesn't want to let go of that person. The hope is one of the last things we have left tying us to that person. But it's not a real connection to them, it's just our fantasy. I'm writing this as much to myself as to you because this is something I've struggled with and I understand how tough it is to let go.

[nolanola]

@hope18, I just commented on your thread about hope and then I saw this one.

 

Here's the thing: he doesn't have to be sad or moping around or whatever you're seeing in him. He could have just not broken up with you!! This is a "crisis" of his own making. Don't feel bad that he is upset and sad. HE SHOULD BE. He should miss you. He should feel like a jerk for hurting you. But the thing is, despite how sad he is and how much he's moping around, he has not tried to get back together with you. He's going on with his life. And even better for him, you're sitting here waiting for him to decide to change his mind.

 

He's really young and probably kind of immature, especially about relationships. He might think things are moving too fast and I'm sure he does care about you. BUT, he is still choosing to break up with you. Please don't let him have his cake and eat it too - he doesn't get to be single and keep you around as his backup plan too. Sorry if that sounds harsh - I don't mean that he's some kind of devious jerk, but I think a part of him is hoping he can go out and have his fun and then come back to you when he needs emotional support or stability. This is how you treat someone not to respect you, by letting him do it. Don't do that. Don't set that precedent.

 

I said this in my other post to you, but I think you need to avoid him at all costs. Also, ask your friends to not update you about him for right now. Go out with your girls, dress up and feel pretty. Do something new to shift your perspective and maybe meet some new people.

[hope18]

After a few days of not hearing from him at all and him completely avoiding me, he came and sat with me at breakfast out of nowhere today. I asked him how everything was going and he was like "it's going". He seemed quiet, but we made normal conversation for like 15 minutes. I held myself together and was as upbeat and smiley as I could be and acted like everything was fine.

 

I'm trying not to read into his sudden approach but it's hard. If this was weeks or months later I could see maybe him just wanting to be friends after healing and getting past his feelings, but it's barely been a week so I feel like the feelings would still be here.

 

I'm so confused and I don't know what to think of this.

[nolanola]

@hope18, I think you need to stand up for yourself here. He broke up with you and you're feeling bad because he's sad? That is some major BS. He's sad because of something he did and can easily undo. He can ask you to get back together or apologize. Instead of doing that, he's just orbiting around you and keeping you in limbo.

 

I know you love him and it's tough to see things clearly. But you're letting him walk all over you. This is how people learn how to treat us: by what we let them get away with. You have choices here. You're not completely at the mercy of his behavior.

[hope18]

I don't know what to do after his sudden reappearance yesterday.

 

I already mentioned the breakfast part but just to recap:

In the morning I was sitting in the dining hall reading and eating breakfast and he randomly came and sat with me for a good 10 minutes. He seemed pretty quiet, but still engaged in conversation. I asked him how it was going and he shrugged and was like "it's going". We made small talk and I was as upbeat and positive as I could be.

 

But then I saw him again at dinner sitting by himself, I had to walk right by him to get to my table where my friends were and we made eye contact so I stopped and said hello, we had another quick conversation, all just normal things again about the day and what was for dinner etc, but again he was pretty quiet/down compared to his usual self.

 

Then at night he popped into a party I was at (it was in the dorm room next to his so he was walking by and a friend called him in). He saw me and didn't really say anything because a few of his friends were talking to him, so I said hey and then he said hey. He didn't say anything else, but we were pretty much leaning against each other for a second in the doorway before he left to go back to his room. Our mutual best friend saw him again later and I guess she asked him why he broke up with me. She said he refused to open up, just kept saying "there were a lot of reasons". She said he went to bed after and stayed in the rest of the night by himself. This selfishly made me happy that he wasn't just out partying and having a great time lol.

 

I haven't heard from him since, which I didn't really expect. But on last Sunday before all of this he did restart a snapchat streak with me which he had broken after our breakup that wednesday. (for those who don't know what a streak is: it's a number that appears next to his name representing the number of days we've consecutively sent each other at least one snapchat within a 24 hour period). He hasn't sent me a snapchat since yesterday morning and the streak is about to "die", which makes me wonder if he decided to stop snap chatting me after yesterday, even though we would only send each other one a day. I'm trying not to read into it, guys don't really care as much about that stuff as girls do.

 

I'm just really confused by his actions. I'm happy we're on good terms, but I don't know what this means or if now he's going to stop talking to me again. When we broke up in October, the same thing happened. We didn't talk and then he randomly sat with me one day at breakfast and things started up again from there. Except that time we had only been together a month before we split so the feelings weren't as deep, and it was also like 3 weeks before I heard anything from him.

 

I would say this is just him trying to be friends since we agreed to be on good terms, but up until yesterday he was COMPLETELY avoiding me, literally would pull out his phone and walk the other way if he saw me coming. It's also barely been a week since the breakup. If this was weeks or months later I could think "ok yeah maybe his feelings have faded and he's ready to be friends after having time to heal" but this just seems too soon and it's obvious based on our official goodbye on monday (see previous posts in the thread) and his avoidant behavior this past week that he still has feelings. Plus when we broke up he told me the only reason was that he lost feelings, yet to his close friends he's saying there were "a lot of reasons"??

 

I don't know, I'm just so confused. It's also important to note that he's been the one initiating this stuff, I stayed NC and he started the snapchat streak again last week, he sat with me at breakfast yesterday. I was the one to approach him at dinner but it was because we made eye contact and he gave a head nod and I would have felt bad just walking right by. I don't plan on reaching out to him, I just don't know what to think of all of this or if it means anything. So much of me still wants him to come back.

[stillafool]

Hi everyone,

 

I was doing pretty well but now I'm down again. I think mostly because it's Valentine's Day. One of his friends approached me yesterday and asked how I was doing. She said she had asked him about me a few days ago and he told her about the breakup. I guess he told her he's not telling people because he isn't ready yet. She said he was really upset about it so she asked him why he broke up with me and he used the same excuse, that he lost feelings.

 

 

I thought you told your friends not to update you on him anymore. You need to make it clear that you do not want updates from them and not to talk to him about you or your break up. The same ones who are bringing you info are carrying it back to him. Put a stop to it so you can get him off your mind and heal.

 

Nolana is correct that he is the one who broke up with you not the other way around. If he is so sad (about you) it is an easy fix for him because all he has to do is apologize, tell you he made a mistake and ask you back. He hasn't done that. He just may be sad about his life in general, an ex or who knows. You need to stop feeling sorry for him.

[hope18]

I did tell my close friends not to update me anymore, this was a girl who I don't really talk to but knows me through him so she approached me the other day to ask how I was because she had just heard about the breakup.

 

He also doesn't have any exes to be upset over, I was his first gf.

 

Also see above update for what he did yesterday.

Edited February 16, 2019 by hope18

[Minneloa]

Sorry you are struggling, OP. As much as possible, try to focus less on what he is doing/thinking/feeling and more on taking care of yourself. Seriously, he created this situation, and if he is hurt by it, that's his problem.

 

Can you get off campus this weekend, even for a few hours? I think some distraction would do you good, as the hothouse environment is only exacerbating your hurt.

 

M.

[stillafool]

Part of the reason he's engaging with you is guilt. Dumpers feel a lot of guilt when they know they are hurting someone. I've been there. It's something you have to do but it's really hard on the dumper. Once he told you he had lost feelings for you that is what should be stuck in your mind to help you get over him. Guys don't say that unless they mean it. Also he told your friend there were a lot of reasons; so some he didn't even voice to you. Don't give him access to your friendship and kindness. Stay away from him. If he wants you back make him work for it by coming to you and asking for you back.

[nolanola]

@hope18, I fear you are going to get absolutely crushed in this situation. You are spending so much time focused on him and what he is or is not doing. I know how hard it is in the first few weeks after a breakup. Your mind is obsessing over every tiny detail, looking for answers, wanting it to make sense, looking for comfort. I totally get it. I have been there, believe me.

 

We don't know what his reasons are, how he is feeling, or what he will do next. He probably doesn't even know. He's 19 and has no experience with relationships apart from you. So all we can do is work with what we do know. Right now, he is choosing, every day, to wake up and not be with you. This is his choice. If it's so hard and painful and whatever, he can undo it by calling you and asking to get back together. I would suggest to you to value yourself, know that you are worth a man that knows he wants to be with you and won't put you through this mess.

 

I would suggest you avoid him as much as possible and try to move on as much as you can. I know it's so hard. But do you want to be still pining for him a month from now? A year from now? When he has a new girlfriend? Do not let yourself be devalued. Right now, he knows he can snap his fingers and you'll be there. Do not be that person. I guarantee you will regret it.

 

Listen to what people on this thread are saying. If he wants to be without you, let him be without you. Let him see how life is without you in it.

[ExpatInItaly]

@hope18, I fear you are going to get absolutely crushed in this situation. You are spending so much time focused on him and what he is or is not doing. I know how hard it is in the first few weeks after a breakup. Your mind is obsessing over every tiny detail, looking for answers, wanting it to make sense, looking for comfort. I totally get it. I have been there, believe me.

 

I would suggest you avoid him as much as possible and try to move on as much as you can. I know it's so hard. But do you want to be still pining for him a month from now? A year from now? When he has a new girlfriend? Do not let yourself be devalued. Right now, he knows he can snap his fingers and you'll be there. Do not be that person. I guarantee you will regret it.

 

I totally agree with the above.

 

He's not as broken up over this as you are, OP. He feels guilty, and probably hopes you'll still be Plan B for him, but he wanted to be single more than he wanted to be with you. Don't forget that.

 

You need to stop assuming any sad behaviour you perceive from him is all about you. Your perception might be off, and if he is sad, it might have nothing to do with you.

 

If he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. You're over-complicating it by attempting to analyze every interaction he has with you and others.

[hope18]

@hope18, I fear you are going to get absolutely crushed in this situation. You are spending so much time focused on him and what he is or is not doing. I know how hard it is in the first few weeks after a breakup. Your mind is obsessing over every tiny detail, looking for answers, wanting it to make sense, looking for comfort. I totally get it. I have been there, believe me.

 

We don't know what his reasons are, how he is feeling, or what he will do next. He probably doesn't even know.

 

I'm trying really hard to turn my attention back on myself whenever I wonder what he's thinking or feeling or what he's doing. I'm so tired, like physically and mentally exhausted, from trying to work through this. I just try so hard to understand his actions when I'm trying to learn that I don't need to and the only action I need to understand is that he broke up with me and whether he has feelings still or not he's still not with me.

 

It's just hard because I'm not the kind of girl who can just let things go. I always see the good in people, always put myself in their shoes, and I never want to give up on a person if I feel like there's still a chance. And this usually results in me waiting around/hoping they'll come back until I find out they've moved on and I'm crushed all over again. I don't really see him moving on or finding someone new soon, he's not the most attractive/sought out guy on campus (all of my friends say I'm way out of his league, but I still found him perfect lol). But the fear is still there. I don't want him to move on, I want him to hurt/miss me, but at the same time I love him and want him to be happy. And I think what's really making this so hard is the identical situation from October where he got scared, said the same things he said this time (he "lost feelings") and then was back 3 weeks later. I'm stuck with the hope/expectation that this will be like last time and he'll come back, and that hope was only heightened the other day when he reapproached me.

 

I think his actions on Friday just really really confused me. Completely avoiding me for an entire week, being miserable and refusing to tell anyone about the breakup, and then popping up again out of nowhere initiating conversation and sitting with me at breakfast barely a week after the break up? I was diving into my books/classwork, I didn't even see him walking over to me so it's not like he felt obligated to sit with me.

Those interactions on Friday gave me hope. But now he's avoiding again and has completely stopped snapchatting me so naturally I'm stuck on what the h*ll happened??? I wasn't at all needy or emotional or sad or anything like that the few encounters we had on Friday. So he really had no reason to pull away again.