BC1980 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 This guy sounds wishy washy. Inconsistency is a bad sign in relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 (edited) OP, this isn't the first time he's broken up with you. It's time to forget him, for good. "I love you" doesn't mean much to him; I don't think he's got intimacy issues. I think he's young and fickle and his feelings were just not as deep as yours, and he used big words without sincerely meaning them. It won't be easy, but you need to remove him from your life as much as you can. He isn't the right boy for you. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 3 Link to post Share on other sites
lana-banana Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 Aren't you both in college? I'm not being dismissive, but it's so, so different when you are so young. He doesn't have any concept of what it means to love someone in a mature way. You are learning and practicing adult relationship behavior, figuring out what works and what doesn't. You will learn how to break a heart, how to recover from a broken one of your own, how to make up from fights, how to communicate respectfully, how to work towards a goal, and all that. It will come in time. Your ex is not an actor or a liar or a sociopath. He is young and exploring feelings, like you are. Don't be too hard on him or yourself. You are both going to go through such dramatic changes over the next few years you'll hardly recognize the person you are today. Trust me, that's a good thing. Keep going to your therapist, spend time with friends, and try to keep your chin up. It's fine to hurt; it's part of being alive. If you ever catch yourself spiraling down (which you don't seem to be) then lean on your loved ones for help. But be proud of who you are and get excited for what life will show you next. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
abotha5 Posted February 8, 2019 Share Posted February 8, 2019 He said that he lost feelings for me. But that makes absolutely zero sense. How do you lose feelings for someone days after saying I love you for the first time? I could understand if he had been distant for weeks or we were Sounds like he has an Anxious/Ovoidance Attachment style. Comes from his childhood. Ask him to see a therapist and if he doesn't want to , be done with him. He will make your life miserable Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) I agree but sometimes I can't tell if I'm just making up stories because somehow him having intimacy issues hurts less than him losing feelings for me over the span of 3 days after 6 months. I'm just having such a hard time processing all of this right now and it hurts and I feel like he's totally fine. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 This. OP, this isn't the first time he's broken up with you. It's time to forget him, for good. "I love you" doesn't mean much to him; I don't think he's got intimacy issues. I think he's young and fickle and his feelings were just not as deep as yours, and he used big words without sincerely meaning them. It won't be easy, but you need to remove him from your life as much as you can. He isn't the right boy for you. The thing is I love you means a lot to him which is why he took so long to say it and he said he felt it but didn't mean to actually say it to me yet because he was afraid of something happening and not being able to take those words back. He's never loved anyone before and those aren't words that a guy like him who has so much trouble opening up just throws around. I agree that it's time to move on, I just wish I knew what was going through his head and if this is like what happened in October when things got serious and he ran the next day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 I'm telling you. You have to take a mans "I love you" with a grain of salt. Not saying this dude lied to you but the fact of the matter is many men say it without really understanding the meaning. I know this hurts. Focus on moving on and judge a guys actions towards you over time hun. He definitely takes those words seriously though. He has such a hard time opening up/expressing emotions that he would never be the type to just throw that around. And that's what hurts, I know he meant them and I've known for a while he loved me, it showed through his actions, the way he looked at me, the little things he did and the way he wanted to spend every second with me up until the end. I watched the way he slowly started letting me in over the months, the way he built this relationship with me, the way he began to trust me and let me love him when no one else ever really has. And I think that's why it hurts, knowing he loves me but would rather run from it when things get serious and label it as loosing feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) I just wish I knew what was going through his head and if this is like what happened in October when things got serious and he ran the next day. That should be all the confirmation you need that he isn't the guy you're meant to be with. Whether he's got intimacy issues or whether you don't know him as well as you think you do and he's just not that into you - it doesn't change the bottom line for you. A relationship isn't what he wants. Take it from those of us who have been there and done that with this type of boy: they're rarely ever the ones you will go on to have a happy future with. They will break your heart again and again, if you let them, and then they'll bail for good. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 But what I mean is men say I love you and really believe it at the time they say it and really have those intense feelings. But many don't understand what love really is. They are speaking off how they FEEL. When you treat love as a feeling well feelings can change easily. anybody can have really great "loving" moments together because at the time the person feels really good. but you don't judge a guys love for you by how he looks at you or what he says or how long it took him to open up. You judge a guys love by how he treats you OVER TIME. Time and good treatment together is the only true test of anybody's love, loyalty, and commitment. becsue anybody can say it today and is gone tomorrow and that's what literally happened to you. It doesn't matter what he said to you. Atleast Accept the fact that he did NOT love you enough to stay with you or love you the way you wanted to be loved. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) That should be all the confirmation you need that he isn't the guy you're meant to be with. I know he's not the guy I'm meant to be with, and I think I've known that for a while. It just hurts because I put so much time and energy into making it work, trying to get him to let me in. And he finally did, things were great, and then he was gone. I'm just trying to manage the grieving and processing at this point. The wondering how much of it was real, if he's hurting right now or if he's already thinking about seeing other people. It hurts and I just feel lost going from building my life around him, spending every second of free time together, to acting like we don't even know each other. And it's such a small campus so I see him everywhere and it sucks and I'm so scared of seeing something that I don't want to see. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator edited quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 One thing I would advise you not to do in the future is building your life around a guy, spending every free second with him, and working this hard to demonstrate your value. This is especially critical when a relationship is this new, and already has been ruptured with a prior and relatively recent split. Centering your world around a boyfriend creates too much imbalance in your life and leaves you feeling utterly lost and gutted if it doesn't work out. Any healthy relationship entails spending time together, and time pursuing your own interests and social lives. Being joined at the hip is not generally a good idea, and suggests you may have issues of your own surrounding attachment and anxiety. It's true that it won't be easy to see him, but with time, that sting will fade. Don't spend too much time in your therapy sessions trying to ascertain what is wrong with him. It's pointless, it might entirely off-base, and it would be better use of your time to develop healthier boundaries for yourself and better coping strategies in the face of pain. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) I definitely regret how much I began to depend on him. Due to many factors in my life, I have attachment issues. And in this relationship his lack-of attachment only heightened those issues for me and made me more anxious to be with him. So every time he would ask to see me (which was literally every free second he had) I would jump at the chance. It was also so easy to see him all of the time because we share mutual friends so even while we were doing other things with other people we were still together. I know I'll be okay and I'll look back and think wow what the hell was I doing letting myself be treated this way, I've survived really rough breakups before. I just have no clue how to cope in the mean time because so much of me wants him to come crawling back which is pointless because this is a vicious cycle that would never end. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 For the future, you need to exercise some self-discipline and maintain boundaries of balance in any potential or real relationship. Don't give more than they do. Don't declare yourself first. Don't act at all until there is real reciprocity and you know they're as interested as you are and willing to put in as much as you are. Don't overdo it. It makes you look desperate and will only make them disrespect you for not having better standards. You don't have to be tit for tat, but you need to restrain yourself from being the only one who tries and does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 9, 2019 Author Share Posted February 9, 2019 (edited) It's not like I was the only one trying or showing interest though. In fact, I hardly ever looked desperate or anything like that because he was the one always calling me, always asking to hangout, always wanting to be talking to or around me. He even jokingly mentioned me moving in with him just last week when I was having roommate issues because I "basically live with him already". If I was ever the one to ask him to hangout it would be when I haven't heard from him if he was in one of his distant moods, which only happened 3-4 times for a few days over the 6 months. I did give more on the emotional end, but it's not like I was sitting there loving on him and getting nothing back. He was very affectionate the majority of the time, it's just when things got really deep and we reached a new level that he pulled away. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 9, 2019 Share Posted February 9, 2019 Girl I know that's going to be hard that your on the same campus. Just a few breakup tips I would like share. Just my 2 cents: Don't contact him Don't look him up on social media Don't try to run into him on purpose Get rid of anything that remind you of him If there are places you know he is going to be avoid them for now If y'all just so happen to be in the same vicinity don't look his way Why? It's hard to move on from someone when they still in your face. You can better move on when you purposely keep him out of sight. If he talks to you in person be polite Refrain from music. Music is bad about reminding you of the person lol Do what feels easy and enjoyable that's not too destructive. Then slowly pick the pieces of your life back together and establish a routine that's enjoyable and productive. Don't try to push yourself to be this all star. Take it one day out of time. I stress enjoyable. Make this all about your happiness and you feeling better. Do whatever you got to do (that's not too destructive I stress) lol. Key during a breakup is don't feel guilty for days you are sad unproductive and utterly selfish lol. Feel how you feel WITHOUT guilt and cry when you need to cry. Don't try to be all hard like a soldier. Let that sh*t out. But then redirect to wisdom. So like next time you think "why did he do this when he told me he love me?" (Feel what you feel) then check your feelings with wisdom and think "the love I want is a love that doesn't leave". Then eventually when you feel up to it DATE OTHER MEN. Life is too short to get hung up on a guy that would leave like that. Rinse repeat till one day you will wake up and realize your not thinking about him as much or at all. Good luck hun 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) Girl I know that's going to be hard that your on the same campus. Thank you so much. I'll definitely try all of this, the biggest one for me has been avoiding music lol. I tend to get so caught up in what he's thinking i.e. "is he hurting? does he miss me? will he come back? will he regret this?" that I forget about my own healing. Because at the end of the day even if he comes back like last time, I can't be with him. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 I haven't heard from him since we broke up on wednesday, he wanted to talk again to end things on better terms but then never ended up reaching out. He completely stopped snapchatting me, didn't look at me when I saw him Friday in passing, and then an hour ago I just got a snapchat from him. I'm trying not to read into his motives, he probably just decided he wants to be friendly now or maybe he even accidentally sent it (which I find hard to believe). Unless I hear anything else I'm going to assume it doesn't mean anything. It's just weird to me that he's been going out of his way to avoid talking to or seeing me and then all of a sudden I get a casual snapchat? Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) I need to read all the pages but I've read this last one. Don't read into the snapchat. Just like you are feeling regret and doubt so is he in his way, his timeframe. You will get a better result of having him back (if that's what you want in the end) by doing nothing, reading nothing into it. Go on with living your life. He is trying to probably make sure in some way that he can have you back when and if he decides to (with the fact that you are still willing to talk to him being how he will "know"). So you don't want him to think he can't just come in and out of your life. He's either in or he's out. You don't tell him, you show him. If he asks directly, you can let him know. But don't go out of your way for anything. Since you are in college, two things: You have the same friend group so try to make the best of it. Distance yourself a bit by hanging out with your girlfriends and not the mixed group, make new friends, and if you must be where he is, just say a quick hi, to the group in general and then keep away from him. I think while sometimes people have college relationships that are long-term and very steady, a lot of guys (and girls) particularly use this time to be free and with their friends, growing themselves. So don't feel bad, i'd say it's more normal than not that he may really care for you but want to be a single guy. That said, you should completely and utterly enjoy your single freedom. Hello, such a fun time! I know it doesn't feel that way right now but you really should enjoy it. Gravitate toward your single girlfriends, single guy friends that are friends, and make some new friends and new hobbies. *as for the music (good tip btw) you could listen to uplifting, fast-paced, fun, more aggressive songs but try to avoid slow, sentimental ones Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) Thank you for this. I'm trying so hard to process everything and I'm trying not to think anything of the snapchat it's just so weird to me that he goes out of his way to avoid me after saying he wanted to be friends and then all of a sudden pops back up a few days later? I just can't stop thinking about how this is what happened in October, things got deep, he broke up with me the next day saying he lost feelings, and then he popped back up again and after I admitted I still had feelings and therefore wasn't ready to be friends he said he still had feelings too and never really lost them just didn't know how to handle the situation. It's just the not knowing that drives me crazy. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted February 10, 2019 Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) it's not weird at all. I'd say it's pretty standard. He's conflicted about wanting to be a single college guy who can do whatever he wants or wanting to be with you who he probably genuinely likes. I can't actually think of a friend of mine who WASN'T in a situation like this a some point during college. I think you don't fight it at all which is just torture for you anyway. It's when he hits the deep feelings that it conflicts with how he sees his life going while in college or at this point of his life. Don't hang onto that like it's a good thing. While it nice that he has good feelings about you, if he is wavering or unsure about them at all you don't want to stick around for this sh*t Live your life, act like you don't care & are going to do what's best for you if he is unsure and do your very best to make that exactly how you feel. It's possible that you could end up back together when HE has processed his feelings. But right now for your own sake which is all you should care about, proceed like he doesn't want to be with you. BTW, he says "friends" to keep that option open in the future, dating open in the future, and to make it more comfortable around the group, probably save face. All options FOR HIM. You should do that on your own terms and what you told him before was good (too soon to be friends). If you let him into your life in ways that are on his terms, he doesn't lose much from this new arrangement, only you will. You will have hope every time he pops back up with some minor insignificant snap or a weak "hello". Nah, don't accept that. I think a good example you can look up is when Kate who is married to Prince William (and i'm not into this stuff in particular) but he wavered on her and she was like "bye!!!!" and then went on being super single and out (in a ladylike way of course). He sure wanted her back. From my friends that have done this, most of the time it can work--though sometimes in the meantime they realize they don't want HIM back or find someone they like much better. Don't waste another minute of college life hoping you will get back together. Have fun and see what happens in general. Good luck Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator removed quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 10, 2019 Author Share Posted February 10, 2019 (edited) Yeah I don't mind being friendly with him, I want to be on good terms because for me being on bad terms for no real reason makes moving on so much harder. My issue is no matter how much I tell myself he isn't good for me, he needs time to figure out his intimacy issues, at the end of the day part of me still wants him to come back. I will never understand how you can spend 6 months with someone, wanting to spend all day every day with them, finally tell them you love them, and then breakup with them/lose feelings days later... I didn't see it coming and I'm trying so hard to cope and process. Edited February 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Quote removed Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 This is more just to vent because I am feeling so satisfied right now lol. One of our mutual friends hungout with him this weekend and said he was grumpy and miserable and when they asked what was going on he just said "I broke up with Hope" and when they asked why he got all upset and ended up storming off saying "I'm going to bed". That was all I needed to hear to feel 20x better. I convinced myself all weekend he was out having the time of his life forgetting all about me and even moving on. Good to know he feels like sh*t, I selfishly hope he regrets his decision because I won't be taking him back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 This is more just to vent because I am feeling so satisfied right now lol. One of our mutual friends hungout with him this weekend and said he was grumpy and miserable and when they asked what was going on he just said "I broke up with Hope" and when they asked why he got all upset and ended up storming off saying "I'm going to bed". That was all I needed to hear to feel 20x better. I convinced myself all weekend he was out having the time of his life forgetting all about me and even moving on. Good to know he feels like sh*t, I selfishly hope he regrets his decision because I won't be taking him back. Lmao *high five* Link to post Share on other sites
Author hope18 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 This morning he sent me a text asking to meet up. I only had like 30 minutes before class but I said sure, I wanted to see what he had to say. He came over and gave me a couple of my things back, I did the same. I expected him to leave after, but he sat down and stayed. He seemed really quiet and sad and I asked him if there was something he wanted to talk about. He said not really, then continued to make small talk. At one point he asked me who I've told about the breakup, and I just said three of my close friends but that obviously word spreads. He seemed kind of upset and said he only told his roommate after he commented that I hadn't been over in a while. It was really weird, I kept expecting him to leave but he just stayed. I was walking around the room packing my bag for class and I could just feel him watching me. After like 20 minutes he had to go, I expected him to just say bye and leave, but he walked over to me and gave me a hug which is really unlike him. He left and that was that. I'm just so genuinely confused after hearing how upset he was this weekend and seeing him so down, why is he doing this? It's obvious to me now that he still has feelings and I just wish he would talk to me about what really happened. Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted February 11, 2019 Share Posted February 11, 2019 He knows he left you for the wrong reasons - out of fear / protecting himself. I think it's hard for him to be close to you. You don't need that. Let him fix himself up and get his crap together or he will do this again. He's probably going to need more experience with other relationships to realize that he has a problem/pattern. It sounds bad but take comfort in knowing he is sad and it's not really about you and then try to focus on yourself and heal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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