Newly separated man, awesome weekend... then this.

[mustanggsally]

I hate how attached I got so quickly. I don't think its him, either, just the idea of not wanting to be rejected time and time again. And every time it happens, its a spiral. Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings. Its starting to sink in how deeply this stuff affects me. I'll leave him alone.

[Versacehottie]

I hate how attached I got so quickly. I don't think its him, either, just the idea of not wanting to be rejected time and time again. And every time it happens, its a spiral. Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings. Its starting to sink in how deeply this stuff affects me. I'll leave him alone.

 

A road trip is always a good idea

[preraph]

I have a history of dating separated/divorcing guys. At the end of their divorce, they want NO obligations or commitments for awhile. They want to rest and just have sex without dating if possible, really. He hasn't felt his freedom yet, and he will still need to do that. He's been under all this stress and trying to keep all the plates in the air. He just doesn't want to take on someone else and have more obligation and more plates in the air. Part amicably, date other people. In three years, he may think of you again or be ready to commit again, or not.

 

And piece of common sense I wish someone had told me: When they're in the middle of having relationship problems with someone they built a life with, they certainly don't want any more relationship problems; hence, no real relationship. One mess at a time.

[Ruby Slippers]

I hate how attached I got so quickly. I don't think its him, either, just the idea of not wanting to be rejected time and time again. And every time it happens, its a spiral. Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings. Its starting to sink in how deeply this stuff affects me. I'll leave him alone.

This is your real issue. Get strong and clear with yourself. Then you'll be far less susceptible to the charms of unsuitable men.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings.

 

No reason? Are you at least visiting someone? That is a long way to drive just to run from feelings......which will just hitch a ride anyway....

[edgygirl]

I confess I didn’t read the whole post, I actually stopped at the below. I have a hard rule to never date separated or recently divorced people.

 

They all feel like this. I should know as I’ve been there myself after separation. We think we are ready for dating but we’re not. At least one year is needed post divorce to gain perspective. If you’re fine with something casual, go ahead...

 

Him, 38 year old divorcee: I think so..

 

I’ve forgotten how difficult dating is. I’m bad at it I’m not sure I even know what I want.

[allofme]

I confess I didn’t read the whole post, I actually stopped at the below. I have a hard rule to never date separated or recently divorced people.

 

They all feel like this. I should know as I’ve been there myself after separation. We think we are ready for dating but we’re not. At least one year is needed post divorce to gain perspective. If you’re fine with something casual, go ahead...

 

Why do people think it’s ok to date someone just out of a long term relationship (but weren’t married)? Reading the OP just makes me think I should steer clear anyone who was in a long ass relationship recently. I just don’t see how anyone can be ready so quickly to go into another relationship even if they were over their ex before they even broke up.

[FMW]

Also, for future reference, you don't want to be the transitional woman. That's pretty much a guarantee that you'll be left behind. In this case it just happened sooner than later.

[Malin889]

For 2 ppl who hardly know each other, you got very serious over text message rather quickly.

[Mrin]

I'll speak up for the OP - you had to learn a lesson the hard way. If it is any consolation, his ghosting/180 had little or nothing to do with you. It comes with the territory with recently separated or divorced people.

[edgygirl]

Lesson #1 of online dating: words mean nothing. I repeat: nothing. Specially from a stranger.

 

Believe in actions, and by that I mean CONSISTENT, over time actions.

 

Otherwise it’s what we all call it here: love bombing.

 

I hadn't had someone come on so strong and interested before; I just took him at his word. I won't reach out again, I made my position pathetically clear.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I'll speak up for the OP - you had to learn a lesson the hard way. If it is any consolation, his ghosting/180 had little or nothing to do with you. It comes with the territory with recently separated or divorced people.

 

I agree. I feel bad if OP is feeling like this is her fault. She learned a lesson about separated men, that's all. She didn't know and now she does.

[edgygirl]

This whole experience should teach you something about yourself, the guy doesn’t really matter as his situation is hopeless for the time being.

 

You have to find a way to work on your self esteem. It’s clear in your original post that you acted like a doormat... to feel loved. You wanted a prince to save you from loneliness. Sorry to be blunt, but you need a reality check. Most of us been there. We all learn it the hard way. Use this one to learn something. You will be fine. Please be careful on the road! Is it really a good idea to drive while distressed?

 

I hate how attached I got so quickly. I don't think its him, either, just the idea of not wanting to be rejected time and time again. And every time it happens, its a spiral. Heck, i'm driving from central Canada to Texas this weekend with no reason to just to run from the feelings. Its starting to sink in how deeply this stuff affects me. I'll leave him alone.

[mustanggsally]

He reached out. I responded that I didn’t want to be treated ****ty.

 

Ok

I know your not the girl that broke my heart. Im not treating you ****ty. This is why I don’t think it will work because you were open about being needy and that it gives you purpose to please a man. I don’t know how to take that. I don’t feel like you can manage being in a relationship that we only see each other a couple time a month. I am so career focused and focused on my kid and getting my **** cleaned up from my separation. I have so much on my plate right now I can not give you what you need. And with so much on my plate I don’t want to go back to my downward spiral I just got out of. I’m sure you think I’m ignoring you but I missed my kid and wanted time with him then I took him to sport and was going over my books and clientele during that. Then I come home and get kid organized and my horses fed and dogs looked after and haul in firewood and then I was on the phone with my folks for over an hour talking about my weekend of competitions and divorce and lawyers and accountants and other stressful ****. I haven’t had any me time yet today I haven’t even showered yet. I need to check on a friend that I think is in trouble.

 

—

 

I haven’t responded and I don’t really know how to. I want to whip up something long, like below, because I do like this dude and would love to slowly develop something, I do t think he’s screwing me around on purpose and seems open to talking about it to a point, but it’s wordy and messy and emotional. Input would be super appreciated. How the heck do I compress these sentiments; should I even bother?

 

—

You know, I actually understand that. If my words had so much weight, let me elaborate a little more:

 

I saw a man from (15000klm away) I saw him maybe twice, sometimes four times a year. I flew out 17 hours one way to see him when and if he needed me. He had two kids. It wasn’t a good thing morally, and there was a tonne of uncertainty/grey area. it was the thing that brought me out of cowardice, then forced me to leave & taught me what “consequences of your actions” & “loyalty” actually meant. Long story short, he told me what to expect as far as time and energy output went, we had no problems, 3 years.

 

Since I’ve been here, the person I dated semi-seriously lived in (8 hour drive) Saddle maker, farrier, rancher on 2000 acres - busy guy. I’d go see him when he asked, even by the time I realised he was just using me as a hand to start his colts and someone soft to lean on when his ptsd would get bad... as for sex? sex was off the table. He wanted to make sure he was seeing someone long term before he went down that road again, and he was clear too about his position in life/availability, again, no problems. completely amicable ending which had nothing to do with distance, time spent or sex. even though he nearly got us both dead, twice

 

This hurt because I thought I’d been duped after vulnerable sex. The before/after sex you were different acting guys. its is important to me, it means something - I haven’t been with many people sexually and I’m fussy about it. I think it’s something women should preserve. I told you all of that right after sex with no tact - replace “needy” with “clarity”.

 

I know life gets busy, you have priorities and you’re in the middle of some sticky stuff. “please a man” is as simple as “I want to get to know you so I can be useful in your life.”

 

I know you aren’t a full time sort of guy right now (and frankly, I’m not either), but after leaving a loveless 8 year relationship compounded by bad communication both ways, I want to be game-free and an open book. What I want is something meaningful, and to do things the right way, slowly, and see where things go.

[elaine567]

He's essentially telling you to back off, he doesn't have time for any of this.

You may think he is great and worth it, he doesn't feel the same.

Best to just listen to what he is telling you.

 

It was a fling an extended one night stand.

Move on.

Leave him alone.

[hippychick3]

He’s not treating you “*****y”. He’s being open and honest about why he’s NOT interested. I do not understand why you’re not listening to him and backing off. Leave the guy alone. Nothing is going to develop with him.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He's decided he doesn't want one more thing or person pulling him in another direction right now, no matter how much you insist you wouldn't. He's overwhelmed with life at the moment and he's decided a relationship of any kind is too much for him. He's right! So, back off completely. If you send that email it will only solidify his position.

[BaileyB]

Nothing has happened to you that you didn’t sign up for... you knew he was recently separated, and you knew you were moving really fast when you invited him to spend the weekend and have sex.

 

It didn’t work out, it happens all the time. At least he has been honest with you, and he didn’t just walk away. He clearly doesn’t have his **** together... that much should be blatantly obvious to anyone when they learn he has been recently separated. Respect the fact that he is not ready for a relationship and keep your dignity. Tell him that you enjoyed the weekend and wish him well.

[ShadeOfGreen]

He reached out. I responded that I didn’t want to be treated ****ty.

 

Ok

I know your not the girl that broke my heart. Im not treating you ****ty.

 

He lied about his divorce being final. There's a huge difference between being separated and being fully divorced. That was "****ty".

 

I am so career focused and focused on my kid and getting my **** cleaned up from my separation.

 

He doesn't have time for anything else, and that includes any type of relationship.

 

...and then I was on the phone with my folks for over an hour talking about my weekend of competitions and divorce and lawyers and accountants and other stressful ****.

 

He didn't mention a major portion of his weekend...his time with you. People who are excited about someone generally talk about it with others. This is another indicator about how he feels about you.

 

I haven’t had any me time yet today I haven’t even showered yet.

 

His life is such a mess that he can't even take care of himself.

 

These hard truths suck, but use them as motivators to move on from this person. There are much healthier situations out there. Block him from your phone, and/or delete any contact information. The sooner you stop communicating with him, then the sooner you can mentally and emotionally move on.

Edited February 6, 2019 by ShadeOfGreen

[Versacehottie]

Um, do not send that ^^^^. What don't you get? He is repeatedly telling you he doesn't have time and the emotional openness to be in a relationship, yet you are pressing for one. In your actions and the newest message you want to send, you are acting like a lovesick person who has been in a relationship for significant amount of time with this person. It's a bit delusional in a way.

 

He hasn't treated you "sh*tty". Which btw, i think you only really responded that deep down because you knew it would keep the conversation going, even a bad convo is better than none. No conversation is the RIGHT thing.

 

IF he had a moment of weakness and reached out (if is a a big IF...sorry i find it weird that you detail ALL the other words but fail to say what he said when he reached out---much like the beginning of your post, i think you leave things out when it really is you being needy or delusional). Well anyway, let's say he reached out in a moment of his weakness, all you SHOULD say is: "i understand what you said yesterday and if that's your position we don't need to be in touch, best of luck."

 

I know you think you will get somewhere by being in touch with him little bits here and there and over time his situation will change and you will be the chosen one. Really more than likely you will be the transitional person as someone mentioned above. In addition, you won't get anywhere romantically with him by accepting table scraps while at the same time you are claiming you don't want to be treated sh*tty--see how those are two OPPOSING things. He will see right through it and know you are willing to be treated sh*tty and table scraps are fine, it's just sometimes a lot of hassle for him with you over-the-topness, which if this keeps going on, he will tune out and come and go as he wishes. And FFS, stop with the lovesick melodrama, it's not attractive in the slightest. Sorry, you need really tough love right now. go on the road trip and forget this guy.

[Artdeco]

Don’t send it. It sounds really bad and desperate. Especially the part where you explain that you would come out to see him and make an effort to travel quite a bit, on his own terms - not yours - and based on his schedule. Why would you share that with a man who just told you that he’s not available for a relationship. Bad idea.

[olivetree]

DO NOT SEND THAT!!!

 

That is oversharing and waaaaay too much.

Way too heavy, too soon.

You are too intense.

Plus it makes you sound super needy and like your whole purpose in life is to be with a man, any man.

 

I read a thread recently about a woman who met a war vet with PTSD online and immediately stayed at his ranch like they were married, he wasn't that into sex and she was doing his laundry and he was shooting at a dog chasing horses.. is that you?

[Gretchen12]

He wants casual dating, have fun twice a month, have sex, focus on work and kids. He wants basically a fwb or escort, not a relationship.

What you thought was coming on strong, was what he considers flirting.

If anything you might look at his dating profile and you may find he tells you this. Usually it says something like "looking for fun, companionship, maybe more".

Actually a lot of divorced men want that, fun female companionship on-demand with no obligations. And ideally she's pretty, healthy, funny, cheerful, flirty and happy to satisfy when he calls!

[Redhead14]

Oh, heck no, do not send that. This guy is being completely and totally honest with you. You just don't like what you're hearing and transferring the "dislike" to him.

 

It's not about fault on either of you really. It was just a matter of finding out what pages you two were on in terms of current dating goals. He doesn't want a serious relationship and you do. So, keep dating until you find a guy who has that same goal at least to start with. Newly separated or divorced men simply can't put enough into a new relationship to make a new partner happy.

 

And, you mentioned how strongly he came on to you in the beginning. That doesn't translate into a committed dating arrangement or promise of any kind.

Dating is a process, not an event.

 

If you send that message, you will be later referred to as the "bunny boiler" he dated before the next girl . . .

[Versacehottie]

And, you mentioned how strongly he came on to you in the beginning. That doesn't translate into a committed dating arrangement or promise of any kind.

Dating is a process, not an event.

 

 

Totally agree with the above^^^^

 

Lots of people will come on strong for various reasons (some would say you did the same to him--which is "wrong" just depends on your perspective from where you are sitting when things don't go your way). So he is not necessarily treating you sh*tty (why would want to be with someone who did that anyway??!??!).

 

You have your own responsibility to YOURSELF, OP to do your due diligence on ANYONE that you let into your life from any walk of life, from any situation. You can only blame the other person so much when it is your errors as well that have caused you to end up in the situation. And to further it like you are trying to do is all on you. Look out for yourself--no one is responsible for that but you. Good luck