Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 (edited) Perhaps, he'd been stringing the AP along with the promise of divorcing you and then marrying her, but he doesn't really want to do that yet, if at all . . . He told you he wanted one to give the impression that he was getting that ball rolling to appease the AP, but doesn't want it to get too real If that theory is correct, I'll bet money that he's telling her that you're the one dragging it out . . . Edited February 15, 2019 by Redhead14 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 Perhaps, he'd been stringing the AP along with the promise of divorcing you and then marrying her, but he doesn't really want to do that yet, if at all . . . He told you he wanted one to give the impression that he was getting that ball rolling to appease the AP, but doesn't want it to get too real If that theory is correct, I'll bet money that he's telling her that you're the one dragging it out . . . I have considered that possibility. If that’s the case he has to feel like he’s in such a mess. He tells anyone who will listen that he has no feelings for the AP and it will never be anything. So he’s not laying good groundwork for them to suddenly be engaged etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 I have considered that possibility. If that’s the case he has to feel like he’s in such a mess. He tells anyone who will listen that he has no feelings for the AP and it will never be anything. So he’s not laying good groundwork for them to suddenly be engaged etc. He's probably feeling overwhelmed and just dissociating from the whole thing. He needs kick in the rear end. Subpoena the financial institutions directly - duces tecum, and get your lawyer to get on his lawyer to get on his client. And, I would up the ante on what you are "going after" if he doesn't start cooperating. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 He's probably feeling overwhelmed and just dissociating from the whole thing. He needs kick in the rear end. Subpoena the financial institutions directly - duces tecum, and get your lawyer to get on his lawyer to get on his client. And, I would up the ante on what you are "going after" if he doesn't start cooperating. He won’t even hire a lawyer. Intends to stay pro se he says. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Is it possible that he's been involved in things that are seriously illegal and is dragging his feet to either try to cover things up better and/or simply forestall being outted???? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 He’s most likely doing it to be vindictive. That could be the same reason he cheated on you. This is what men do sometimes because they see divorce as failure and they don’t like to be perceived that way. Even if they brought it on themselves. They control and irritate through passive means. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 He won’t even hire a lawyer. Intends to stay pro se he says. File for the divorce and let him drag his feet until it goes to default . . . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 Is it possible that he's been involved in things that are seriously illegal and is dragging his feet to either try to cover things up better and/or simply forestall being outted???? I sure hope not because he’s in the financial industry and something like that could mean really bad news. But not gonna lie, the thought has occured to me. I think it’s more likely he gave the AP money. She works for him. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 File for the divorce and let him drag his feet until it goes to default . . . I did but when he was in default we asked him to file an answer because we need to be able to do discovery. Because there is money that isn’t where it belongs. Link to post Share on other sites
Redhead14 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 (edited) I did but when he was in default we asked him to file an answer because we need to be able to do discovery. Because there is money that isn’t where it belongs. Ok, then he's doing illegal things??? Bring in investigators. Subpoena third parties. "Hey listen, Xname, you're hiding stuff. This can go easy or it can go hard. If you cooperate and fill us in on everything, we might overlook some stuff. If you force us to bring in investigators and subpoena third-parties, you're gonna have to deal with a higher power regarding whatever is found". Edited February 15, 2019 by Redhead14 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 Ok, then he's doing illegal things??? Bring in investigators. Subpoena third parties. "Hey listen, Xname, you're hiding stuff. This can go easy or it can go hard. If you cooperate and fill us in on everything, we might overlook some stuff. If you force us to bring in investigators and subpoena third-parties, you're gonna have to deal with a higher power regarding whatever is found". I don’t know that he did anything illegal. I know that there are some transactions where I think he gave the AP money and he had an annual bonus deposited in an account I can’t access. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Man the indifference is painful! It’s really hard knowing that I was married to someone who literally could not care less about me now. Yes, it is painful and I'm very familiar with that feeling. However, the line between indifference and contempt is rather thin, and contempt is very dangerous and quite insidious. As others have suggested you need to move the divorce along with or without his cooperation. "Pro Se" in this context means he's not willing to be accountable to anyone - and that's not going to turn out well with respect to hidden assets and money he has spent on Schmoopie. Your stbxH sounds like my stbxW and my divorce is still languishing 2 years and over a half-million dissipated dollars later. "No action" should be translated to mean "covert action." You couldn't trust him to be faithful and you shouldn't trust him to be honorable either. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 16, 2019 Author Share Posted February 16, 2019 Yes, it is painful and I'm very familiar with that feeling. However, the line between indifference and contempt is rather thin, and contempt is very dangerous and quite insidious. As others have suggested you need to move the divorce along with or without his cooperation. "Pro Se" in this context means he's not willing to be accountable to anyone - and that's not going to turn out well with respect to hidden assets and money he has spent on Schmoopie. Your stbxH sounds like my stbxW and my divorce is still languishing 2 years and over a half-million dissipated dollars later. "No action" should be translated to mean "covert action." You couldn't trust him to be faithful and you shouldn't trust him to be honorable either. This is terrifying to me. I read one is your other posts where you talked about how she liked the idea of you instead of you....that’s something my husband said to me during one of our conversations about the split. And my therapist said she believed most of what he said during that conversation was projection which is why I felt like he was talking to me about a marriage other than the one I was in....makes me wonder if he’s the one who just liked the idea of me. Or at least has rewritten history to be that so that it justifies chalking our marriage/family up as a mistake. Sorry you have dealt with your situation, sounds like hell. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) This is terrifying to me. I think the fact that you're already separated, living in separate residences, and sharing the kids, indicates you've got a lot more safety. If it's true that he only loved the idea of you, then it appears he's able to at least let go of that idea. Truly abusive people don't do that. They will cling to you like tar until they're content to have destroyed you. They cannot accept anything less than the dominance of their own phony narrative. They do a lot of projecting to cover you with that tar. Obviously he's passive-aggressive, but if he's still even mildly sympathetic to his "idea" of you - then you should press forward before the sun sets and he awakens with a new idea that exploits an adversarial legal system. Edited February 18, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 I think the fact that you're already separated, living in separate residences, and sharing the kids, indicates you've got a lot more safety. If it's true that he only loved the idea of you, then it appears he's able to at least let go of that idea. Truly abusive people don't do that. They will cling to you like tar until they're content to have destroyed you. They cannot accept anything less than the dominance of their own phony narrative. They do a lot of projecting to cover you with that tar. Obviously he's passive-aggressive, but if he's still even mildly sympathetic to his "idea" of you - then you should press forward before the sun sets and he awakens with a new idea that exploits an adversarial legal system. I don’t think he wants anything to do with me at all. That’s why I don’t understand why he isn’t more motivated to finish the divorce because I think he’s eager to move completely past anything to do with me or our life. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) I don’t think he wants anything to do with me at all. That’s why I don’t understand why he isn’t more motivated to finish the divorce because I think he’s eager to move completely past anything to do with me or our life. Well, he may have nothing to do with you now that he's separated but, he's clearly not ready to move past your share of all of the assets he still controls and that is where you are vulnerable. I believe you that he's not doing anything right now - except figuring out how to keep those assets. I learned the hard way that despite what the courts imply about contempt of the ATRO - they really don't do jack sh** about it. They make hiding and dissipating assets sound like a big deal but, most of the time you just get screwed over. The burden of proof will be on you to to prove that he didn't need those 4 brand new cars in the last 3 years, or the $100k of retirement money he liquidated for "household expenses." He told you he wants NOTHING to do with you - think about that !!!! When it comes to those assets what have you gotten? NOTHING! Don't wait to be contacted by Mr. Pro Se's new lawyer who's job it is to give you NOTHING more. Edited February 18, 2019 by Turning point Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 Well I guess I take back that he wants nothing to do with me, I think he actually wants to be friends but he’s so conflict avoidant that he just leaves me alone because I am not friendly. He told me when we separated that our relationship didn’t need to change at all because we were already just roommates. The money thing does scare me. That’s why I was so frustrated when he wouldn’t respond to my divorce petition, I want to lock things down. Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 I don’t think he wants anything to do with me at all. That’s why I don’t understand why he isn’t more motivated to finish the divorce because I think he’s eager to move completely past anything to do with me or our life. Chryssy My first wife played this game as well, although (Thank God !) we didn't have children as part of the problem. She refused to try to work things out. She refused to help pay any of our outstanding bills. She refused to share any of our possession with me. She refused to sign the divorce papers. She refused to participate in any way with the attorneys or the court. She refused......( you get the picture). Reasons why? Who knows? I finally realized she was living in a different world from where I lived. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 He told you he wants NOTHING to do with you - think about that !!!! When it comes to those assets what have you gotten? NOTHING! Don't wait to be contacted by Mr. Pro Se's new lawyer who's job it is to give you NOTHING more. He didn’t ever say that. He said he wanted to be friends and spend Sundays together as a family and that he would give me most of the money because he can make plenty more. And he keeps telling everyone else (his family and friends) that he’s basically just going to lay down and let me have what I want because he’s such a good guy and only cares about the well-being of the kids. I’m not saying he will actually do that, but he didn’t say he wants nothing to do with me. I’m the one who refuses to speak to him except about business of child raising and divorce. And what should I do as opposed to waiting? I can’t settle the divorce by myself and I need his discovery responses to draft a settlement agreement anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 Well I guess I take back that he wants nothing to do with me, I think he actually wants to be friends but he’s so conflict avoidant that he just leaves me alone because I am not friendly. He told me when we separated that our relationship didn’t need to change at all because we were already just roommates. The money thing does scare me. That’s why I was so frustrated when he wouldn’t respond to my divorce petition, I want to lock things down. If the time line has run (that waiting period between filing and finalizing any divorce) simply petition the court to finalize it. Then it’s over. Ask for everything you want or need - he may not even notice it’s being finalized and go along with whatever you have requested. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 I know procedurally how that would work. I also know that (as stated above) he could have had it set aside. He has filed an answer now so that’s not an option any longer but I have a good attorney and he did not think a default judgement was a good idea. Again, my question isn’t how to get divorced, it’s why is he acting this way? Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 How would anyone here know why he's acting this way? The point is he is acting that way and all people know here is you don't need him to get your divorce if you want one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 How would anyone here know why he's acting this way? The point is he is acting that way and all people know here is you don't need him to get your divorce if you want one. I didn’t want one. He did. So now I have to do all the work to make it happen because he won’t participate. I just don’t understand and I guess I wanted some support or some idea how I get out of this mode of thinking all the time that I don’t understand what has happened. I believe he had an affair, he has physically and emotionally neglected me, he didn’t make an effort in our marriage to do anything I needed or to share his emotional needs with me. He lied about money, he lied about how he spent his time, he told me over and over that my needs (like that he talk to me at the end of the day, that he reassure me when I was upset about something, that he help me figure out what to do about a problem at work or with the kids, that he physically interact with me) were all unreasonable expectations of him. He denies all of that even happened. The only reason I “want” a divorce now is because I can’t do anything to move forward in life until it’s done. I can’t date, I can’t get a house. I don’t know why he isn’t more concerned about sorting out the logistics of the divorce since he was the one who needed it because it was the only way he could be happy. He has always identified things I need to do to make him happy and here we are not in a relationship, not hardly even in contact and I’m still having to do all the work to make things the way he wants them. Meanwhile, he says over and over that he is working to provide the financial information I need to draft the settlement agreement and instead does nothing for months. At this rate it will be the end of the year or later before the court system moves to the point that we can just get this done and I have no idea why he is okay with it just dragging on like this when I expected ending the marriage would be a priority for him. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 18, 2019 Share Posted February 18, 2019 (edited) my question isn’t how to get divorced, it’s why is he acting this way? This has been answered many, many times in this thread already. Which one of the answers is accurate? Is it a combination of all of them? We have no way of knowing. Edited February 18, 2019 by PegNosePete 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 18, 2019 Author Share Posted February 18, 2019 This has been answered many, many times in this thread already. Which one of the answers is accurate? Is it a combination of all of them? We have no way of knowing. I know people answered it but I assume those who give me advice on how to procure a divorce in court when IÂ’ve already said 1) I am an attorney in the jurisdiction where I live 2) I have an attorney who already explored the options and helped me choose a course of action that is least likely to result in a costly do-over and 3) that wasnÂ’t my question.... didnÂ’t actually read the rest of the thread. I know I can just guess what the assets are worth if I want. Link to post Share on other sites
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