Turning point Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 The Op has stated she is not looking for advice on how to get divorced she just wants to know why he doesn't want to get divorced. Because it's not in his self-interest to do so. He has a girlfriend, all his assets, continued secrecy, and a hesitant wife to fall back on. Life is good. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I wasn’t the one who wanted the divorce, I filed to protect our assets. I can’t move the investments without his permission because we are joint owners on the accounts. And I wouldn’t get support following a 6 year marriage where I make more than enough to cover my expenses. Eventually he will pay child support but right now I just spend what he makes if I feel like it. How would involving the court be better for me? My question wasn’t how to get the divorce to move, it was why doesn’t he have any motivation to do it? Be sure you have a sharp, hard lawyer (hell more than one if it suits you). I'm no legal expert but even if you have 'enough to cover your expenses' depending on where you live, and disparity in income between you two (sounds like he made more) you may get a ruling for alimony to maintain your lifestyle (EG lifestyle of a houselhold where ostensibly you had half ownership of a joint income) not the exact dollar amount perhaps, but domicile type, etc. Don't get some easy breezy lawyer who can't do anything which isn't a rubberstamp or pre-made form because he hasn't the time or will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 Be sure you have a sharp, hard lawyer (hell more than one if it suits you). I'm no legal expert but even if you have 'enough to cover your expenses' depending on where you live, and disparity in income between you two (sounds like he made more) you may get a ruling for alimony to maintain your lifestyle (EG lifestyle of a houselhold where ostensibly you had half ownership of a joint income) not the exact dollar amount perhaps, but domicile type, etc. Don't get some easy breezy lawyer who can't do anything which isn't a rubberstamp or pre-made form because he hasn't the time or will. I was referring to temporary maintenance while the divorce is pending, which would just be ordered if I couldn’t meet my needs/the kids’ needs while the divorce was pending. My attorney and I started the divorce anticipating that he would be in a hurry since he was cheating and he was so eager to sell the house. I didn’t expect that things would just sort of languish. I’ll call the attorney tomorrow and see what he thinks the best options are. Financially it’s better for me to stay married longer because then there is more money to split, but there is also the risk like someone mentioned that he gets into trouble at work or something. And now it seems like he’s trying to hide some money. Plus I would like to be able to move forward and buy a house and have finality at some point, too. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 I was referring to temporary maintenance while the divorce is pending, which would just be ordered if I couldn’t meet my needs/the kids’ needs while the divorce was pending. My attorney and I started the divorce anticipating that he would be in a hurry since he was cheating and he was so eager to sell the house. I didn’t expect that things would just sort of languish. I’ll call the attorney tomorrow and see what he thinks the best options are. Financially it’s better for me to stay married longer because then there is more money to split, but there is also the risk like someone mentioned that he gets into trouble at work or something. And now it seems like he’s trying to hide some money. Plus I would like to be able to move forward and buy a house and have finality at some point, too. Get it finalized - waiting gives him time to hide more income and pay you less after time goes by. Submit the last three years of income tax returns...for proof. Remember if money is combined - he has access to take ALL of it at any given moment! Protect yourself/your future. - don’t leave yourself at the mercy of him being fair! And he’s not in a hurry because when the D is final - that means a gal may expect him to be capable of commuting to marriage - so as long as he’s married now he has a valid excuse to any gal making demands. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Have you heard the saying that a man who represents himself has a fool for an attorney? The way I heard it, a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. Subtle but distinct difference. I’m an attorney so I know I can get a default, the problem is that he will just get it set aside and we will be married again. That’s a waste of my time and our money to pay the attorney to do the divorce twice. Did your lawyer tell you this, or are these your own thoughts? If you want to get divorced then you can get divorced, you don't need your ex's permission, cooperation or even his signature. If you want it, tell your lawyer to get it done without your ex's cooperation. he’s not in a hurry because when the D is final - that means a gal may expect him to be capable of commuting to marriage - so as long as he’s married now he has a valid excuse to any gal making demands. Yeah, that could well be his reasons. He is probably complaining to his gf that you're not progressing the divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 The way I heard it, a lawyer who represents himself has a fool for a client. Subtle but distinct difference. Did your lawyer tell you this, or are these your own thoughts? If you want to get divorced then you can get divorced, you don't need your ex's permission, cooperation or even his signature. If you want it, tell your lawyer to get it done without your ex's cooperation. Yeah, that could well be his reasons. He is probably complaining to his gf that you're not progressing the divorce. Yeah I realized I got the quote thing wrong but I couldn’t get it to edit on my phone. *shrug* Link to post Share on other sites
Normm Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Did your lawyer tell you this, or are these your own thoughts? If you want to get divorced then you can get divorced, you don't need your ex's permission, cooperation or even his signature. If you want it, tell your lawyer to get it done without your ex's cooperation. ^This. I've never heard of a default divorce being "set aside". He doesn't respond, you get everything you ask for, end of story. No clue why you'd think otherwise. But again, we're off topic here, she just wants to know why he doesn't want to divorce not "how to get divorced". Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 But again, we're off topic here, she just wants to know why he doesn't want to divorce. As has been established, the answer is clear - there's no upside for him in participating or moving forward with the legal process... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Hello OP Sorry you’re going through all of this. It might just be that your husband is doing this just because he can. Just to be difficult. Maybe for no rational reason. Nearly 30 years ago my first wife did the exact same thing. It drug on much longer than it had to, simply because she wouldn’t cooperate. She wanted the divorce and yet wouldn’t do anything to help out with the process. I suspect it was all because of her desire to continue to be nasty to me. Typical of her personality , when time came that she needed action on something (ex: filing tax returns, she was like a rabid dog while demanding immediate action and answers to her questions). Nothing rational at all about her decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 6, 2019 Share Posted February 6, 2019 Chryssy83, I apologize if my previous posts sound flippant, my intention was to assign more urgency to your self-interest than you presently seem to have. You're not being honest with yourself. He's not the one who wanted the divorce. He wanted a co-worker he can screw on the side while he displays his wife at the company picnics. He told you point blank: "he wasn't even going try to fix things." All you heard was "divorce" and mistakenly presumed he would suddenly man-up and do the honorable thing for you. Do you see the disconnect here? Nothing you have told us describes a man who gives a sh*t about what is best for you, or even convenient. Divorce is a gift you give yourself not because you want it, because you need it. Girl, you need this now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 ^This. I've never heard of a default divorce being “set aside”. I have seen many default judgments set aside although I don’t do family law. Talked to my attorney again today and he advised again that the default route was likely a waste of money because getting a default with significant assets and kids would likely lead to him hiring an attorney and getting the judgment set aside. Anyway maybe jurisdictions differ somewhat. I had my attorney email him which prompted texts from husband asking me whether he should hire a lawyer and saying he’s not really sure he knows what he is doing. I bet he hires an attorney when he realizes that this requires some work on his part. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 6, 2019 Author Share Posted February 6, 2019 Chryssy83, I apologize if my previous posts sound flippant, my intention was to assign more urgency to your self-interest than you presently seem to have. You're not being honest with yourself. He's not the one who wanted the divorce. He wanted a co-worker he can screw on the side while he displays his wife at the company picnics. He told you point blank: "he wasn't even going try to fix things." All you heard was "divorce" and mistakenly presumed he would suddenly man-up and do the honorable thing for you. Do you see the disconnect here? Nothing you have told us describes a man who gives a sh*t about what is best for you, or even convenient. Divorce is a gift you give yourself not because you want it, because you need it. Girl, you need this now. Thank you. I appreciate this perspective. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 I agree based on my own case experience that a default judgement where there are significant assets could be set aside. It's also in your own best interest to compel discovery and find out what those assets truly are. It's unlikely you'd be limited simply to your own earning and living capacity. At 6 years time, you were indeed working toward something and there is some level and expectation of a partnership. Perhaps you can simplify things with a one time alimony payment ("severance pay") rather than fighting over other assets? To get to your original question, no one but him could explain why he's so disengaged. All I can say, is that as a man I would be lost if I found myself where he is. Here's my $0.02 - and it may be greatly overpriced: Sure, he wanted the affair because it was easy - but, if he's not married it's not an affair it's a relationship which is what he tried to step out of in the first place! Neither he or the OW likely gave any thought to a reality beyond their dirty little secret. He's also burned his bridges because he wants what's 'easy' and recovering from infidelity is extremely hard work. Divorce is equally hard work as well, and he's probably not not cut out for any of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 7, 2019 Author Share Posted February 7, 2019 @ turning point I think that makes a lot of sense. The first time anything remotely difficult came along in our relationship (which was a health issue for me) was the first time he checked out. He told lies and complained his needs weren’t getting met. Because of a medical problem. Which wasn’t my fault and also was not permanent. My plan is to try to negotiate where I get more of the assets up front to avoid alimony. He initially said he would agree to that so we will just have to see if he changes his tune. Any my attorney also advised that we do our due diligence on assets. So that’s the plan. I think he really doesn’t like hard work, even his job is super easy (though high paying) and it made it hard for me to respect what he does when I couldn’t really see that he was DOING anything to get all this money. My job is relatively high paying but lower paying for legal work. But I work hard and do very big impressive things. He isn’t impressed by what I do, even though it’s literally the stuff best selling novels are made of! It’s always been treated like a hobby because it’s not that lucrative. I’m excited to get a settlement and buy a house and start my new life, even though I’m sad to give up on the dream of what I wanted. I just need to get there and I don’t know why he’s not more motivated! Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 He hasn’t done anything because he’s a lazy a-hole who doesn’t want to make effort. Do the default avenue. He hasn’t performed and you will get whatever you requested. I hope you asked for outrageous and unreasonable things in what you filed. Stop allowing his inability to take action keep you from moving forward. You need to be free from this narcissist... and begin a new future without him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 7, 2019 Share Posted February 7, 2019 But I work hard and do very big impressive things. I’m excited to get a settlement and buy a house and start my new life, even though I’m sad to give up on the dream of what I wanted. You're fortunate to have work you're passionate about, and a forward looking optimism. Life has a way of exceeding our dreams if we're open to it. What you're giving up right now doesn't sound like the stuff dreams are made of. Hang in there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 11, 2019 Author Share Posted February 11, 2019 He finally filed an answer now we can serve discovery. He’s still pro se. Even though I filed, it still sort of hurts to see his signature on a document asking to dissolve the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 12, 2019 Share Posted February 12, 2019 Even though I filed, it still sort of hurts to see his signature on a document asking to dissolve the marriage. Yes, but the hurt is about letting go of something that's not what we believed it to be. You are not changing - the situation is being changed by you, and for you, because you deserve better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 13, 2019 Author Share Posted February 13, 2019 Yes, but the hurt is about letting go of something that's not what we believed it to be. You are not changing - the situation is being changed by you, and for you, because you deserve better. Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
skriti659 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 The same thing happened with my cousin as well. She was in an abusive marriage. She filed for divorce. But her husband didn't receive summons from the court for 12 years. He married some other woman with 2 kids. Now he faced problems while registering his kids to school as his kids can't have his surname. So now he agreed for divorce with my cousin. Link to post Share on other sites
Acacia98 Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Maybe his reasons for not cooperating have to do with finances or something like that. If that's the case, I'm not in a position to say much on the subject. If, on the other hand, he's just stonewalling to annoy you (passive aggression), then I can certainly speculate about that. Maybe his main goal is to piss you off. If you wanted the marriage, he'd have asked for a divorce. Since you want a divorce, he's doing his best to slow the process down and inconvenience you. Sometimes people are jerks like that. You would be best placed to say whether that was the sort of thing he was likely to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 (edited) Maybe his reasons for not cooperating have to do with finances or something like that. If that's the case, I'm not in a position to say much on the subject. It might be because he just doesn’t want to put in the effort to do it, or maybe he’s using the time to try to hide some money. We can afford attorneys etc. that’s not the issue. He does not want the marriage, and I did want the marriage. He just said he wouldn’t make any effort anymore, several times over a few weeks. And he was cheating and won’t admit it. So I filed. It just seems like what he wants right this instant is to act like we are divorced but not actually deal with getting a divorce? I don’t know. He also won’t participate in deciding whether to do preschool or kindergarten for our son next year or weigh in on what to do about our taxes. When we moved out of our house he didn’t help me pack or divide things up. Or clean etc. All he wants to do is play with the kids and be super dad, he doesn’t take care of any of the business of ending the marriage. Edited February 15, 2019 by chryssy83 Clarify something Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 He sounds lazy as hell. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 15, 2019 Share Posted February 15, 2019 Yes, he sounds extremely selfish and there's always a chance of that being tied to a very spiteful personality you've never been a full witness too. Stay on top of things, and where you get no response and need to take action on your own document it carefully, keeping a journal of how he was solicited, informed, and made aware of needs and deadlines. etc. His lack of response means he's indifferent to you and when he pairs that lack of empathy with the right attorney things could turn extremely hostile and drag on for years. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 His lack of response means he's indifferent to you and when he pairs that lack of empathy with the right attorney things could turn extremely hostile and drag on for years. Man the indifference is painful! It’s really hard knowing that I was married to someone who literally could not care less about me now. Link to post Share on other sites
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