Mr. Lucky Posted February 2, 2019 Share Posted February 2, 2019 OP has a burner phone Which he's obviously monitoring since he's aware of the volume and source of texts... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 Good Day #2 I just need to stay busy. As luck would have it, the wife is sick, so my options for release are limited. Very frustrating. Thank you to the fine people who bring us internet porn. Its been almost 72 hours since any sexting\chat. Other than while on vacation, this is my longest period of abstinence in years. Do you view your wife as a sort of receptacle that is there to please you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I’ve had my husband read this. His prediction is that the OP will eventually turn to finding women via this forum to chat with and use to have the ego boost he craves. Should be interesting to see if that plays out. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 This is a bottle rocket I don't need to follow. We all know how it ends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 3, 2019 Author Share Posted February 3, 2019 Good Day #3 All I can do is ignore the negativity. I’m starting to feel more clear headed, and I’m almost 96 hours into no sexting. And I’m telling the truth, regardless of what some choose to believe. I feel like there is a lot of bad energy in some of these responses, like you want me to fail. I have no interest in that. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 I feel like there is a lot of bad energy in some of these responses, like you want me to fail. I have no interest in that. CantGetEnuff, will you watch the Super Bowl today? At some point, the offense will line up and the defense, having called the wrong play and caught in the wrong formation, will give up a touchdown. The reverse will also happen, the offense will not be prepared for what the defense has done, wrong play call or formation and the result will be a loss or turnover. No one here wants you to fail. Many of us here, myself included, think you're consistently calling the wrong plays... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 No one here wants you to fail. Many of us here, myself included, think you're consistently calling the wrong plays... Right, exactly! I'd love to hear about the (self) insights that OP has come up with thus far, after making the effort and spending the Energy, to contemplate Mark's suggestions (post #86). We know that he did have the time, because his wife is/was sick. Certainly we are dealing with a very fragile ego, but that does not mean that we have to cater to it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted February 3, 2019 Share Posted February 3, 2019 The real value of a forum like this lies in its ability to present contrary points of view, forcing you outside your comfort zone, an important part of problem solving. You don't need more "attaboys", I have the feeling you get plenty of those when you look in the mirror each morning. And if you see suggestions you take responsibility for your actions and treat your wife with respect and consideration as "insults", then you're simply defending the values behind your dysfunction. I think it all comes back to this brilliant post. What you are hearing as “negativity” OP is actually the accountability that you say you are seeking by posting on this website... Accountability, and a hearty dose of scepticism because you are rather arrogantly and selfishly insistent that you will be successful despite the fact that we can all see, you have a much bigger problem than you are willing to acknowledge right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 (edited) Good Day #4 Almost 5 days with no texting, phone sex, etc. I feel like I have turned a corner. I'm in a much better mindset after spending the weekend taking care of my wife and spending time with my kids. If I can get it through this work week with no relapses, I'll feel like I've successfully torn the Band-Aid off. (and the burner phone is gone) Posting here has helped, even with all of the negativity and skepticism. I'm actually alright with the skepticism, as I'm a natural skeptic myself. Proof requires action. Edited February 4, 2019 by CantGetEnuff 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Ah yes, people that are blunt and don't tell you what you want to hear are full of negative energy. The reality is they have become skeptical of you. Day three of a grown ass man behaving the way one should in a marriage, I guess you deserve a prize. I don't care if you fail but I know you will. You lack sincerity and still own a burner phone. What's to take seriously? Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 I take that back about the burner phone, good to see you can at least eliminate that. Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Information given here is designed to help you look within - to dig deep... to find a better version of yourself...for your benefit as well as your wife and kids. Look at it as negativity if you wish - but it appears that you want to avoid fixing the problem (you)... and completely changing who you are at your core. One must change to get a different outcome. Have you given therapy any further consideration? Without looking within and digging deep - this issue is likely to just continue resurfacing. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Right, exactly! I'd love to hear about the (self) insights that OP has come up with thus far, after making the effort and spending the Energy, to contemplate Mark's suggestions (post #86). We know that he did have the time, because his wife is/was sick. Certainly we are dealing with a very fragile ego, but that does not mean that we have to cater to it. Ronni, to be fair the approach I mentioned takes time, at least for me it did. I remember it taking about 3 months before I felt fully normal again. You can feel like you've made a lot of progress at first, but that's really just the first 25%. In a way it feels like "rewiring your brain" a bit. So, sustained effort is needed to get you all the way, IMO. Maybe its different for different people, not sure. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 4, 2019 Author Share Posted February 4, 2019 loversquarrel, I don't expect a medal for tossing my phone, but trust me it felt like a big deal to me when I did it. I was going to eventually cave if I kept it around. I recognize that. I didn't even toss it away here where I could have maybe changed my mind and retrieved it. I walked down to the lobby of our building, took a walk, and chucked it in a trash can like a block away. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Hi, Can’t – Glad you liked my previous post. Here’s something else to think about. All is my personal opinion FWIW only: Consider two adult men, “A” and “B”. Both are smart and have good jobs. A keeps himself well-groomed and attractive. He dresses sharp. Plenty of friends. At social events he’s quite skilled at “working the crowd” and chats freely with both men and women, esp. women. He’ll stay late socializing and enjoying himself. B is a lot lower-key. He dresses appropriately to the occasion but nothing too special. He gets regular haircuts, etc. but normally doesn’t bother with eyebrow and ear trimming and might let his hair grow out a couple of weeks if he’s busy. Has a good number of friends. Socially he also talks with whomever and occasionally has a longer conversations, but without the intensity and fluency of person A. So, the question – out of these two, who has a self-esteem issue? You’re gut reaction might be that, if anyone, it’s B. But this is a case where your gut sense probably wouldn’t be right. Consider who’s putting so much energy into maintaining and managing other people’s perceptions. Who’s soaking up all the resulting social attention? What’s driving the need for that? It seems person A isn’t “content unto themselves” and has a real internal need for sustained external social approval. You might be thinking, ok but there are some real benefits to A’s approach. I think there’s a LOT of validity to that. A’s efforts might get him more friends, better opportunities, promotions, and more attractive/higher status jobs and women. A’s wife might even be “more into” him than B’s. One could even say that A is in some ways more alive than B and B could actually use some of A’s “juice” in their life. I think there’s real truth to that. But what does A need? I think A needs self-awareness. Awareness of what’s driving/motivating his behavior. With awareness, there’s no reason for him to stop doing what he’s doing and reaping the benefits (for himself and for those around him). But without self-awareness, he and the happy medium he’s reached with his limbic system are really quite vulnerable. I think A might not fare well against unscrupulous people with high emotional intelligence. Consider how he might run into problems with: The con man who recognizes A for the easy mark that (without self-awareness) he isAn attractive woman (with her own esteem issues) who instinctively knows she can get A “wrapped around her finger”, to the possible major detriment of his family life and finances A boss, colleague, or business partner who “gets” A, and thus is able to manipulate him to their advantage I’m not saying that everyone around A is out to get him. Most people won’t have the ability or interest in doing him harm. But the few who do can do a LOT of damage. Consider how many people “knew” they’d never get tricked out of their life savings. And ultimately A is vulnerable to his own brain. His limbic system will gradually need more and more reinforcement to get the same satisfaction. If he doesn’t recognize his needs for what they are, this drive could eventually push him past what he’s actually capable of. After burnout comes the big emotional drop when he’s no longer able to “feel good about himself” by continually obtaining external reinforcement. With the letdown comes depression, defeatism, possibly even thoughts of suicide. In summary, I think A has a lot to gain and little to lose with self-awareness and recognizing the inner need that “makes him tick”. It doesn’t have to stop him doing all the positive things he does. Hope this was thought-provoking and helpful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 4, 2019 Share Posted February 4, 2019 Ronni, to be fair the approach I mentioned takes time, at least for me it did. I remember it taking about 3 months before I felt fully normal again.Hi mark. I totally get that; believe me, I've had to rewire so many different pre-programmed and self-inflicted false notions, ideas and beliefs, and illusions and delusions, that I've lost count... ...and it's an ongoing process. The point is that one has to actually start doing it. Contemplate and journal about one thing. OP did have the time to do that over the weekend, or, quite frankly, should have made the time. As he himself said, the proof is in the action. I am sure that most everyone here is just waiting for the proof, so that we can applaud and continue to support as best we each, individually, know how. CantGetEnuff, that was a huge step to get rid of your burner phone! Congrats and well done. :bunny: . Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 Good Day #5 is down I really do feel like I've turned a corner. I'm just focusing on keeping my phone hidden away during the work day as much as I can, and hitting work with 100% energy. I'm the type to go from addiction to addiction (not using that word in a technical sense, necessarily), so I really need to find other things to obsess about. Right now I'm obsessing about kicking ass at work. I might also get back into my monthly poker games with friends. I love the combination of math and social skills involved. Thanks for all the positive feedback. Oh and Mark, that was a very interesting analysis. Yeah I'm probably Guy A. I recognize that. You gave me a lot to chew on. Gracias! Also, thanks Ronni! Yes I much prefer to re-program myself than have some cult or quack do it. I have low opinions of most people's intelligence (for good reason). 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Also, thanks Ronni! Yes I much prefer to re-program myself than have some cult or quack do it.CantGetEnuff, Just to be clear, while a LOT of my work was/is self-directed, I was intelligent enough to also use professional help as needed; but, even so, almost all of the actual work gets done outside of sessions. If you can do it on your own, great; but I'd offer the caution to also be willing to recognize if/when you do need a professional external appraisal to give you a clear, accurate, unbiased, honest picture of what is truly going on within your psyche and its psychology. It's difficult, if not impossible, to do this for oneself. Obviously, yes, you do need to use your own discernment when selecting a professional; it's the same whether that's a doctor, lawyer or therapist. I have low opinions of most people's intelligence (for good reason).. Only you know if you're basing your opinions on people's actual IQ scores, or on whether they agree or disagree with your own worldview and personal philosophy. You may or may not agree with me, but obviously one makes more sense to do, than the other. Wishing you another successful day! Link to post Share on other sites
Rayce Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 (edited) Great Job! The 1st week is the hardest of quitting anything cold turkey and there are lots of folks who can quit an addiction using the cold turkey approach so I know you can do this too! Keep up the good work! Edited February 5, 2019 by Rayce Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I have a sense of what you are going through, a combination of obsessive compulsion tied into esteem issues and fantasy, overall it can be a very destructive recipe. Finding the monotony of life and possible lack of challenge can accentuate this behavior. Do you find your life challenging and hence rewarding? What you are essentially doing is creating alternate realities, trying to compensate for lack of control/reward in your real life, you can control your alternate reality, do so in a manner that is rewarding, which then leads to compulsion. You more than likely need professional help to flip the script. "White knuckling" is not conducive to long-term success unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 Can't, FWIW I think finding new/different interests to replace this is a wise move. It's probable that after multiple years of this, being "that guy" (who has extramarital relations/fluency with women) has become part of your identity. So, you'll want other engaging activities that replace it to avoid feel "disrupted" at the change. Not going to recommend any specific activities. Obviously avoiding what is harmful/potentially harmful is usually wise. Hastas, Mark Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I have low opinions of most people's intelligence (for good reason). OP, are you a narcissist? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted February 5, 2019 Author Share Posted February 5, 2019 Damn I am on a roll. Didn't even think about these issues all day. But I'm sorta training myself to 'check in' here around lunch just do double down in my mind that I'm staying on track. And yes, I think to stay busy as hell. I have plenty of social outlets to use for that. And CautiouslyOptimistic, I mean I'm not a shrink, but if I had to answer that question, I'd say "Absolutely." 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 , but if I had to answer that question, I'd say "Absolutely."CantGetEnuff, My oversight for not having asked you earlier -- so that I could tailor my responses to your actual wants and needs, instead of just making up my mind (assuming that *I* know) what you actually want and/or need: Are you interested in making permanent, deep-down changes? Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted February 5, 2019 Share Posted February 5, 2019 I'm just focusing on keeping my phone hidden away during the work day as much as I can If you had a burner phone for extracurricular activities, what's the danger from your personal cell? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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