Author CantGetEnuff Posted March 18, 2019 Author Share Posted March 18, 2019 I'm trying to figure out how to put as much distance between me and my past as possible, but I feel like I have hit a wall now. I haven't spoken with any of my RL flings for six years. Burner phone (for sexting) was tossed shortly after I got on this site. All chat accounts, etc., have been deleted. No contact with ANYONE since I got on this site. I wish there was another "wall" I could put up between me and the temptations, but I can't figure out what it is. Accounts and burner emails are so easy to set up, I feel like in the back of my mind I know, "I could have it alllll set back up again in like 15 minutes." Anyone have any tips from staying away from long hanging fruit like chat sites and such? (My plan thus far as been: Stay busy! and Come here!) Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Therapy to get to the “why” behind your compulsion. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artdeco Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Therapy to get to the “why” behind your compulsion. I agree. If willpower doesn’t solve it, more work needs to be done on the inside. You’re either dissatisfied with your marriage, which you say you’re not, or you are satisfied with your marriage, but unable to control the “urge”. It’s great that you have the willpower, though, to get rid of all the tangible temptation (phone, numbers, names, etc), but if you’re still itchy on the inside, it means you’re suffering to some extent, missing something. I mean it was a pattern in your life for so long, and I’m sure it’s hard to “give it up”, but if all the logical approaches don’t solve the problem, you need some extra help I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
Beakered Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 From a purely physiological standpoint, you're going through withdrawal, your brain wants its happy chemicals back, and it can only get those through new relationships (Article: The Neurochemistry of Love - Psychology Today). If you give in now, you're back to square one, so try to fight through this by reminding yourself that you've been extremely lucky you haven't been caught so far. Every time you're tempted to reboot your burner phone/accounts, imagine the consequences instead: the look on your kids' faces if they were to discover the chats between you and these other women. Your wife finding out and and tearfully demanding a divorce. The embarrassment you'd feel if your friends and colleagues saw any pictures you might have exchanged with these women. And remind yourself that any one of your online APs (or their SOs) could ruin your life if they decide to tell. So instead of your brain anticipating reward chemicals for renewing contact with other women, you'll retrain it to avoid contact by replacing those happy chemicals with downers and negative consequences. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Anyone have any tips from staying away from long hanging fruit like chat sites and such? (My plan thus far as been: Stay busy! and Come here!) I'm going to assume blinders and ear plugs are out of the question. CantGetEnuff, I was thinking of your situation in relation to the diet thread in the Marriage forum, where a husband essentially blames his wife for undermining his weight-loss success by not religiously sticking to the diet herself. The obvious truth is self-indulgent temptation is all around us, whether it's fattening foods or illicit relationships. Impossible to plan your day to avoid it when a movie trailer, billboard or (Heavens!) LoveShack thread might be a trigger or reminder. I'd guess the best approach would be to continue to replace bad with good. Time with family and connecting with your spouse would help you value them more, with the past life looking pale in comparison. I know you've been hesitant to participate, but you might also find a group setting with peers to have motivational value in keeping boundaries up. And for whatever it's worth, I'm sure we'll continue to beat you up here ... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 18, 2019 Share Posted March 18, 2019 Can't, I get the sense you're not big on IC, but maybe that IS taking it to the next level as far as getting a tighter rein on the self control aspect of this. So, as others have suggested, consider as one option... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted March 19, 2019 Author Share Posted March 19, 2019 Thanks everyone for the supportive responses. I was definitely having a weak moment yesterday but it passed. And as someone mentioned, yes I've been mentally focusing on all the negatives that could have happened had I continued or been found out. That has helped. The last few weeks have been extraordinarily busy with work and family stuff, and I've thought a few times "How the hell did I even have time for these women??" And I would be open for some in person IC, but as I've said before, it will be very dicey to schedule without my wife knowing, and if I tell her about it, then I have to lie about why I am going, so it's fraught with peril either way. I don't want to backslide, but I also don't want to open a can of worms with "Why are you going to therapy?" and having to add yet another lie to my list. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 "Why are you going to therapy?" What about, "Just general struggles trying to be the best that I can be, every day." (?) You could also add, "It's really more preventative than anything else; me being proactive...no need to worry." That is all true, even if not 100% honest. In the meantime, hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 And I would be open for some in person IC, but as I've said before, it will be very dicey to schedule without my wife knowing, and if I tell her about it, then I have to lie about why I am going, so it's fraught with peril either way. I don't want to backslide, but I also don't want to open a can of worms with "Why are you going to therapy?" and having to add yet another lie to my list. I don't think "I'm trying to improve myself and be a better husband and father" would be a lie... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 19, 2019 Share Posted March 19, 2019 You could say work stress is making you anxious or similar. Maybe more of a lie, but maybe not such a bad one given the intent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted March 22, 2019 Author Share Posted March 22, 2019 I want to thank all the folks who have chimed in with constructive and supportive feedback! It's been much appreciated. I've been making good choices for almost two months and I think I'm going to wean myself off this site. I'm not sure there is much more for me here, as everyone here has some issues of their own, and at some point there's just not much more to say about a topic. I might pop back in a few weeks but I don't want to use this site as a crutch or anything. Everyone, try to make smart, healthy decisions! I'll be doing the same. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantGetEnuff Posted May 23, 2019 Author Share Posted May 23, 2019 I plan on this being my last message. I've been in a healthy spot for the past few months and hadn't really thought about this site for a while. I know everyone's different, but for me, staying here would be the opposite of healthy. Constantly listening to other peoples tales of woe (the same thing over and over and over) isn't compatible with moving forward. It keeps you spinning your wheels, either focusing on how you wronged someone in the past, or else how they wronged you. Contrition is good, but at some point I think you have to let it go. I've lost 25 lbs, down to almost my college fighting weight, exercising, spending tons of time with family, enjoying the sun, and focusing on being the best version of myself that I can be, which I think is all any of us can do. To anyone who's pondering their own next step, I'd really encourage you to toss your baggage and start a new page. We have limited time on earth, and wallowing in pity for yourself or even others won't get you where you need to go. Be awesome. Be positive. Move forward. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BreakOnThrough Posted May 24, 2019 Share Posted May 24, 2019 Six months is nothing for an addict, just remember that... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tickpop Posted May 25, 2019 Share Posted May 25, 2019 I must say that I can relate to your problem. I too needed to go online, use those apps and adult sites just to have that bond for which I don't really know what I am getting at. The only difference was that I never do anything physically with any kther women except my wife. I do have this fake relationship online whom I talked to more than anyone.. I understand why you can't tell your W. I can't too. I do not have any plan to leave her. She's still the one I want to grow old with and be with for the rest of my life. I know she will be hurt if she found out about this that's why I am being very careful. I just can't really shake off. Link to post Share on other sites
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