thr1986 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I’m 32 she’s 34. We both are working professionals. We have been dating for 4 months. We’ve moved quite quickly. We’re already talking about wanting to marry one another. We have said we love each other. Things are going quite well. She has a fertility issue. Long story short, for the last 2 years (since she was 32 and found out she had a very limited time to become pregnant if she was planning on being a mother ever) she has been trying to become pregnant via IVF and be a single mother. She found out at 32 (she’s now 34) that she is nearly infertile and has only about 2-3 years to become pregnant if she desires. Given our relationship developing into something serious over the last 4 months, we now have discussed the ability for us to have a child in the future if we decided to. This conversation has come up because of the “rush” she is under to do so. She asked me to financially support (very expensive - approximately 10k-20k) her undergoing another round of IVF with the intention of me fertilizing the egg and then her freezing it for a later date when we decide we are ready for a baby. I don’t know what to think of all of this. We got into a little argument over nothing really last night and now today she is acting weird. She said she wasn’t available to see me tonight because she has dinner plans which I knew nothing about and I’m not even sure it’s true (I was assuming we would see one another and talk). I feel like if I’m going to enter into such a large financial agreement with her she would at least not make me wait to talk when our relationship is on the rocks because she has “dinner plans” which I honestly think is a lie because I think these dinner plans would have come up over the weekend if it were true Link to post Share on other sites
Wallysbears Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Woah. That's WAY too fast for this sort of conversation. You've only been dating for a few months. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Although I can certainly appreciate the pressure that she is feeling, it is way too soon to be discussing marriage and asking you to fund IVF. If you think that you may be serious about this woman, know that you don’t have years to wait to start a family. But, take the time that you need to be sure this woman and this relationship are going to be stable for the long term. It’s highly likely that she is not taking the time to do her due diligence... which puts you both at risk of making a bad decision if you are both making decisions based on the anxiety she is feeling and the infatuation that you both feel at the beginning of any new relationship... 5 Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 10-20K?? After four months? When I saw the thread title I was guessing that the dollar figure would be maybe a couple hundred, and even that amount might be a big ask. But 10-20K? Hell to the no. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
SophieG Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Look, I’m gonna be honest here, it sounds like she’s looking for a sperm donor. 4 months is clearly not enough to be starting that whole process. I mean, sure you can talk about kids for the future and everything, but you’re still in the honeymoon phase. What if you split 3 months down the line. She’ll still have only 2-3 years left of fertility and will use your sperm no matter if you’re with her or not. You’re just starting to know each other... you shouldn’t, under any circumstances, be thinking about having a child soon, or paying 10-20k. If she can’t see how it doesn’t make sense, it’s her problem. I get that she’s under a clock and everything, but it is no excuse to rush having a child or spend that much money after a few months of dating. Don’t do it! That’s my opinion 4 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Noooooo way. Money aside, what happens if a year from now you've broken up, she decides to use that fertilized embryo without telling you, and now you're a dad on the hook financially for the next 18 years? Or, alternatively, a messy lawsuit. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 You'd have to be nuts to go through with what she wants. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 I love her. I feel totally comfortable telling her that I love her and talking about the future with her. But, it just feels weird for her to ask that of me. It makes me worry she’s trying to just get money. She’s already under a lot of stress paying off debt she has from her previous failed attempts at IVF. Whose to say she wouldn’t take my money and just use it towards that debt and then tell me he New attempt didn’t work again or something. Link to post Share on other sites
ShadeOfGreen Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 This all feels way too fast. Four months in, people are still trying to get to know each other. Talking about having a baby together and committing $20k towards that goal is something best saved after you've had a lot of time together, and successfully resolved some other problems together. The fact that you are so concerned over dinner plans should be an indicator that slowing down is a great idea. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Noooooo way. Money aside, what happens if a year from now you've broken up, she decides to use that fertilized embryo without telling you, and now you're a dad on the hook financially for the next 18 years? Or, alternatively, a messy lawsuit. Yeah, I missed that element of the story when I read the original post. 10-20K may be nothing compared to 18+ years of child support. IVF typically uses anonymous donors who are shielded from legal liability for the child. In your case, and even if for some unfathomable reason you're willing to consider this, you'd better be talking to a lawyer to sort out potential liability issues. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 I’m a little worried now that this whole thing has been a lie on her end and she’s looking for someone to find her IVF Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 It makes me feel a little used and also very nieve 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I love her. I feel totally comfortable telling her that I love her and talking about the future with her. But, it just feels weird for her to ask that of me. It makes me worry she’s trying to just get money. She’s already under a lot of stress paying off debt she has from her previous failed attempts at IVF. Whose to say she wouldn’t take my money and just use it towards that debt and then tell me he New attempt didn’t work again or something. Exactly. At this point, you don't know her well enough to know she wouldn't do something like that. You love what you know about her, sure. But you are still getting to know who she truly is. Making this investment this early is plain foolish. And what are you going to do if you break up and she still wants to use the embryo you fertilized? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 She said if we broke up she wouldn’t use the embryo. I’m getting an “Erie” feeling about her. I’m worried this whole thing is a way to get someone to fund her IVF. I feel like I need to end it ASAP to be safe 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 She's lying to you about not using the embryo. Are you willing to get married & have a child with her conventionally? Seriously, right now with all that entails, would you go down to the Courthouse with her this afternoon or as soon as your state allows & tie the knot? If the answer is an unequivocal resounding "hell yes!" carry on. If there is any hesitation on your part about being tied to this woman forever, through a shared child, then politely decline her offer / request. You are both putting the cart before the horse here & any child she bares will suffer as a result. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 She said if we broke up she wouldn’t use the embryo. I’m getting an “Erie” feeling about her. I’m worried this whole thing is a way to get someone to fund her IVF. I feel like I need to end it ASAP to be safe So? At this point, again, you don't know her well enough to take her word for it. She can say literally anything she wants right now and you have no real frame of reference about her character to trust what she says. And who brought up the marriage talk so soon, if I may ask? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Dude this has WRONG written all over it. Don't fall for her BS. Oh my gosh run for the hills, she's using you...seriously this is a scam. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JuneL Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I think that, technically, you might be able to write a contract with her specifying that the embyro cannot be used before you’re married, and that she’s required to pay you half of the money back if you’re not married within, say, 2-3 years. That said, personally, I would stay away from this desperate woman, even if everything she said was genuine. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Hm if I were you I would say "Honey as much as I love you I am not investing any of my money into any kid making efforts until we are actually married. Surely you can understand that." If she takes issue she is more than welcome to leave the relationship if she begins to become distant and stop seeing you instead of communicating with you then if I were you I'd break up with her and count my blessings that I didn't marry the woman 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs._December Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 You actually ALREADY fertilized an embryo???? Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Things are going very well. My only complaint with her is that I hVe sometimes felt like she is unwilling to pay for anything. I’m always buying everything and it has, at times, made me feel a little used. Now, after the inquiry to contribute financially to her doing another round of IVF, I’m unsure about her actual motives and it makes me a little bit uncomfortable. So, I guess the answer to that is no I’m not ready to commit to a child with her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 So, I guess the answer to that is no I’m not ready to commit to a child with her. Then don't give her money. She will never pay for other stuff in your relationship because all her money is going to doctors for the IVF. That future baby is her priority not some man who may or may not give the child to her. She has science for that & has decided she doesn't need a man / relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author thr1986 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Do you think I should end the relationship? I’m worried that she may try to do something shady if she’s just after someone to get her pregnant and take care of her. She could try to keep my sperm or something and use it to get pregnant via IVF... Link to post Share on other sites
Juha Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 She is using you to fund her IVF. It is plain as day So not let your emotions get in the way, does not seem like she is as invested in this relationship as you are. You are paying for everything? Totally wrong!!! She is under the gun and desperate to have a kid, who she has it with I feel is not important SHe needs someone to pay for it as she has run out of money. She is a user. Dump this woman and find someone who wants to be with you I wish you the best 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChatroomHero Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Noooooo way. Money aside, what happens if a year from now you've broken up, she decides to use that fertilized embryo without telling you, and now you're a dad on the hook financially for the next 18 years? Or, alternatively, a messy lawsuit. This right here. You have to remember, she is looking to have a baby regardless of you, not necessarily with you. Not that it's a malicious plan, but it might turn out that way in the end. If her reaction is what you expect, cutting you off and saying she is too busy to discuss, imagine what it will be like when she holds all the card, has a kid you are responsible for and doesn't pay you back but instead goes after your paycheck and assets. If everything goes ok, it would be great. But if things went south, you would be in a world of hurt for probably the next 2 decades. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts