Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 Well that's a whole other beast. You didn't mention being lied to in your OP. I thought I did, but I just re-read my OP and realized I actually forgot to mention that. And it's important. There was a situation with a third party that also affects me, and he didn't tell me the truth about it and sugar-coat the whole thing. Then there were a lot if inconsistencies that didn't make sense and I realized what was happening and confronted him directly about it, and he didn't like it, hence the argument. He ended up telling me the truth about the situation though and I said thank you to him for that. I understand in a way why he didn't tell me truth, because he didn't want to upset me, but it was also because he was scared of my reaction and that's NOT the proper way to be in a relationship. He should tell me things exactly as they are so I know where I stand and we can solve things together. Anyway, he was angry I confronted him and knew he was lying and decided to go away and withdraw from me, like I did something wrong. It's a good experience though for me to see how he is. Link to post Share on other sites
Kelliousme Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) I thought I did, but I just re-read my OP and realized I actually forgot to mention that. And it's important. There was a situation with a third party that also affects me, and he didn't tell me the truth about it and sugar-coat the whole thing.<snip> There you go. What you said here is a complete different problem compared to your first post. Any man who lies and beats around the bush is not worth your time. Yes it's the end of the road for you two. Move on and find a honest man who would confront his woman when there's a problem. Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 There you go. What you said here is a complete different problem compared to your first post. Any man who lies and beats around the bush is not worth your time. Yes it's the end of the road for you two. Move on and find a honest man who would confront his woman when there's a problem. Yes agree. He actually did something similar to his 15 year old son 2 months ago. We went on a 1 week holiday abroad together, he was with his son the day before we travelled and he didn't tell him he was going abroad. And then he said to me he didn't lie, he just omitted. When I asked him why he didn't tell his son, he said it was because if his son knew he was travelling abroad, he would be upset and would want to go as well. So basically, he didn't tell his son in order to avoid having to deal with his son's emotions and situation. And he was totally fine going abroad and away without letting his son know. His son has got his mother, but imagine something happens and he needs his dad? Thinking he is just 10 minutes away when in reality he is miles away in another country?? This was a big red flag to me at the time. I felt he was being selfish and avoidant and not caring a thing about his son's feelings. Because his son will eventually find out and feel upset about it and within reason! I thought at the time that if he does this to his son, he'll probably do similar things to me as well, is just a matter of time. And BAM, here it is. Link to post Share on other sites
MaleIntuition Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 You sound like someone whom almost seeks drama. How the hell is it even possible to have that many conflicts in only FOUR month?! Or for that matter even finding things to complain about? Why even date in the first place if everything is that bad? I suppose you don’t believe in the concept of a white lie? He omitted in order to avoid you getting upset. Probably because he know you get upset easily. In my world, people whom constantly bring up their own feelings are more often than not doing so mostly for selfish reason. Out of curiosity, are you constantly also telling him when you have positive feelings towards him as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Kelliousme Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) Yes agree. He actually did something similar to his 15 year old son 2 months ago. We went on a 1 week holiday abroad together, he was with his son the day before we travelled and he didn't tell him he was going abroad. And then he said to me he didn't lie, he just omitted. When I asked him why he didn't tell his son, he said it was because if his son knew he was travelling abroad, he would be upset and would want to go as well. <snip> I feel like this is more about incompatibility. There are clear differences between you two.. different beliefs and values. It's like some people believe white lies are okay, some are completely not fine with it. Personally, I don't think it's a red flag that he didn't tell his son. By reading what you said, it seems the son has his mom. Does he stay with her the majority of the time? Your boyfriend can go abroad for 1 week without telling him.. especially if he's emotional and will get upset. I actually don't see a problem with this. Like I sad, everyone think differently. Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) <snip>I suppose you don’t believe in the concept of a white lie? He omitted in order to avoid you getting upset. Probably because he know you get upset easily. In my world, people whom constantly bring up their own feelings are more often than not doing so mostly for selfish reason. Out of curiosity, are you constantly also telling him when you have positive feelings towards him as well? No I don't believe in the concept of a white lie. I believe in the concept of telling the truth, being genuine and coming from a place of integrity at any time. To me, the person who says a white lie is the one seeking drama. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) I feel like this is more about incompatibility. There are clear differences between you two.. different beliefs and values. It's like some people believe white lies are okay, some are completely not fine with it.<snip> Yes of course, everyone thinks differently. His son had his mom, but he's still a minor and deserves to know where his dad is. The son being emotional is not an excuse to not tell him anything. Being emotional is part of life. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
olivetree Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 You want a partner that will be open and honest with you even if it will upset you. I think that is totally fine and reasonable. I would want the same thing. I think you two are incompatible in this area. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 13, 2019 Share Posted January 13, 2019 What is it he lied to you about, OP? You still haven't really shared what this most recent argument was about. You mentioned something about a third party, so I am going to assume it was another woman. An ex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 13, 2019 Author Share Posted January 13, 2019 (edited) You want a partner that will be open and honest with you even if it will upset you. I think that is totally fine and reasonable.<snip> Yes absolutely. I have no problems in dealing with reality and to life the way it is. I've been through a lot in my life and have no problems with that. I also think that problems and issues don't go away with avoidance and white lies. They go away with honest and open talk and with solving things together. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 I have posted a previous thread in here about an argument I've had with my boyfriend, and how he became distant and etc. We had a conversation afterwards and now I realize what happened. It wasn't the argument itself or the issues, but the fact I texted him about it instead of talking face-to-face and he got really annoyed by it. He doesn't like to have arguments or conversations about serious issues through texting (especially the ones that last for hours back and forth), and prefers to talk face-to-face, or at least on the phone. I don' like either, and this comes from a previous relationship I've had 1 year ago that was long distance. Texting was our primary source of communication, and I got used to discuss issues like that. I wasn't even aware of this until now he told me. And now I can see how annoying it is, and how it can easily lead to misunderstandings. He asked me not to do it again and if I have anything I want to discuss, just do it when we're next together, or at least on a phone call. I feel really bad about it now, because it all led to a massive argument that nearly ended our relationship. Any advice or insight? Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 He is right, texting is a terrible way to have an argument or discuss anything important. Advice or insight? Well, you seem to have learned from the experience so apply your new knowledge in the future. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 He is right, texting is a terrible way to have an argument or discuss anything important. Advice or insight? Well, you seem to have learned from the experience so apply your new knowledge in the future. That previous long-distance guy used to me send me long texts about issues and stuff, and the thing with him lasted several months, so that became my new "normal", and now was doing it without even realizing it. Yes I have learned from it, I'm just scared now I might have damaged the relationship for good. Or is it just a question of him seeing that I have stopped. Link to post Share on other sites
doyathinkso Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Texting is good for ordering a pizza or making a dental appointment. It is a lousy excuse for communication with any depth or clarity. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Curiousroxy86 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 It would concern me that you choosing to text issues would lead to a fight that almost end the relationship. A lot of people fight but fighting and threatening to breakup should not be normal. If I were you in your shoes I would evaluate the relationship. I would honor boyfriends request to talk about issues and not text of course but at the same time I would think back on previous arguments and really see what the pattern is. Am I being toxic? If so correct. Is he being toxic? If so well that's not a boyfriend you need. Don't be afraid to address conflict and learn the truth Abuse, yelling, throwing things, name calling, dismissing the other, threats, abandoning the conflict should not be tolerated Listen and show empathy Focus on the solution and not arguing just to be arguing Ask for what you want sweetly or if it's a standard your trying to communicate then be clear just don't be ugly about it Respect his point of view Apologize for things you are truly apologetic for If he said his point and you said your point and neither agree to a solution then agree to disagree Evaluate if he shows you the same courtesy Don't be afraid to breakup if he shows himself to be toxic when trying to do healthy conflict resolution Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I'm just scared now I might have damaged the relationship for good. Or is it just a question of him seeing that I have stopped. I don't think you've damaged it for good. He said next time talk to him direct. Which suggests he is sticking around Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) It would concern me that you choosing to text issues would lead to a fight that almost end the relationship. A lot of people fight but fighting and threatening to breakup should not be normal.<snip> Don't be afraid to breakup if he shows himself to be toxic when trying to do healthy conflict resolution There were no toxic things, no yelling, throwing things, calling, dismissing the other, threats, etc. Nothing like that. I think what happened is that he was triggered by past stuff that happened in his last relationship years ago and was affraid of going through all the same again. At least he is conscious about it. It was also our first argument so it came as a bit of a shock to both after we have been in a kind of honeymoon phase since we met. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 All you can do is consider his request - that you speak about issues over the phone or in person - and show him that will respect that. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Not your fault because you didn't know. This is on him....all he had to do was text you "Can we please discuss this over the phone and not over text?" Simple as that, but he was the one that just let it fester. He's the jerk here not you. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 Any advice or insight? Put down your devices & communicate in person. It's always the best way. You have had the discussion about his expectations regarding communication. Simply abide by them. No further rehash needed. Save texting for quick things like: Have a nice day. I miss you. I think you're sexy. I love you. Please pick up milk. I'm by the west entrance etc. If it needs meaningful back & forth, at least use voice. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Not your fault because you didn't know. This is on him....all he had to do was text you "Can we please discuss this over the phone and not over text?" Simple as that, but he was the one that just let it fester. He's the jerk here not you. Actually he did say that... I just didn't stop because I wasn't going to be with him soon and wanted to say a few things. Of course he continued to respond, but he did indeed ask me that. Link to post Share on other sites
edgygirl Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 (edited) Lesson learned? Texting has been killing many relationships as we can clearly see on LS. Next time learn to control your anxiety and don't text back. I also have a hard time with that, but the world won't end if you wait a few days to discuss something. It's better because you would have more time to think things through and won't say things on impulse. Edited January 28, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact quote of prior post Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted January 28, 2019 Author Share Posted January 28, 2019 Lesson learned? Texting has been killing many relationships as we can clearly see on LS. Next time learn to control your anxiety and don't text back. I also have a hard time with that, but the world won't end if you wait a few days to discuss something. It's better because you would have more time to think things through and won't say things on impulse. Lesson learned and noted! Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted January 28, 2019 Share Posted January 28, 2019 I get it you want him to feel your disappointment in him lying to you...how furious it makes you and you want him to bleed over it BUT you can never get your point across getting cray cray. Link to post Share on other sites
Author sweetgirl2019 Posted February 15, 2019 Author Share Posted February 15, 2019 (edited) I have posted here before about this guy I was dating, we broke up but kept texting. So basically yesterday he came to mine and we had a conversation where he apologized, said how much he misses me and wants to make things work with me, etc, and we decided to give it a try. He is travelling abroad for work tomorrow for a week, and today is still in town at work. So basically yesterday after we decided to get back together, he said he doesn't want to stay over at mine, that he prefers to wait until he's back from the business trip, because otherwise he would have to rush in the morning next day to go to work and he doesn't want to do that. I said ok, that's fine. Then we started kissing and things started to heat up to the point he was already touching me intimately and etc. It got to a point that was just ridiculous and I asked him if he wants to go to the bedroom. He stopped and said no, that although he wants me a lot he wants to wait until he comes back, so we have more time together and make it something special. Please notice that this is not the first time we would have sex, he had sex many times before. I was surprised that he still wanted to stop at that point, and said ok and that he should go now then. So he did and went back to his. He even said to me ‘yes I know is frustrating’... I was left confused and not knowing what to think about this. I even felt a bit stupid for asking him if the wanted to go to the bedroom. Why let ourselves stay frustrated when it could have been a chance to reconnect before he goes away!? Although it seems he's being nice not wanting to have to rush in the morning to go to work, I don't think it was nice to continue at mine kissing me and touching me to a certain point and then stop. It felt to me that it was on purpose. Like he is affraid I'm not here for him when he comes back from his trip, so he did this to keep me on edge and wanting him, know what I mean? This sounds manipulative. I have a different way of thinking, and to me that moment there with him was special in itself, even if he has to rush to work next day. So what? When he comes back from his trip we would have more time together. I just feel that if he wanted to wait he should have left before all the kissing started and don't do that to me in the end. I didn't like it. And am feeling confused. What do you think about his? Edited February 15, 2019 by sweetgirl2019 Link to post Share on other sites
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