Ex’s new girl is 20 yrs younger. He said he will take me back if they break up

[Twizzlestick]

Yes he proposed to me , we were engaged but I never set a wedding date. I'm not sure why, however things happened in life- I was going to university and graduated, we had 2 deaths in my extended family and then life was just busy- which was no excuse really, but i'm not sure why I didn't set a date. I now regret not doing so..

 

Hold on. Why are you carrying around all those bags of guilt over this? It’s not for you to set a date on your own. You were engaged. You set dates together. Sounds like life was busy, but here’s the thing. Reles are two people. If someone is engaged to someone, they don’t just sit as an observer, a passenger and say “oh she’s not pulled her finger out, I’m off”.

 

Naaah. If you’re engaged you’re in deep. You should be at the pinncile of working together as a couple, after all that’s what you’ll get told at Pre wedding counselling. What was your ex doing to commincuate with you, to work with you? You could’ve moved forward from this, but it would’ve taken both of you.

 

Weddings aren’t targets to reach, and once you past the hurdle all is great and suddenly you switch into two people with empathy and dedication. Sounds like your ex failed miserably in working with you on why you both hadn’t set a date.

 

Life happens, and if all it takes is the stresses of life for someone to bail, then the fault does not lie solely at your door.

 

Set those bags down now. What people tell you (your ex) is often blame shifting and incredibly simplified regarding the truth that led to the position you’re both in. And you’re only too happy to carry those bags of guilt. Stop it. You’re not the only one to blame. There was no cheating, no triangulating moment of singular blame on one party.

[PegNosePete]

Look, he has told you everything you need to know in order for you to make an informed decision on what to do next.

 

He is living with another woman and is not going to change that any time soon.

 

You have no option but to move on with your life without this jerk.

[nolanola]

OP, I so feel you. I really do. I know how hard it is to see your ex with someone new. You feel like they must be so much better than you or prettier or better in bed, or whatever. You'll do anything to stop that pain. Trust me, I get it. My ex is with someone new and these are all the thoughts that I have. Feeling like I must have meant nothing. Feeling like he threw me away like a piece of garbage and moved on like it was so easy. Now he gets to be happy and WTF about me?!?

 

Please listen to Twizzlestick, you didn't do anything wrong here. We all bring our own flaws into a relationship, but a person that wants to be with us, that really is invested will work with those flaws. An engagement takes two people to work.

 

Right now, he's being so selfish. He's looking to you as his back up option, or his cushion. This doesn't make him the devil, but I just want you to honestly ask yourself if that's good enough for you? I would say no. You should have been the love of his life, the woman that he couldn't wait to marry, not the one he's keeping on the side in case his fling (and it will definitely be a fling) doesn't pan out.

 

Boundaries are so hard. I'm terrible at them. But every time you let someone walk through a boundary, you let them trample on your heart, you diminish their respect for you little by little, and you teach them that it's ok to be careless with your heart. Stand up for yourself. Try to let him go. I know how hard it is. I think about my ex so much it's maddening. I want the thoughts to stop. But the best thing you can do is to set some boundaries. Because then at least you can respect yourself while you start to heal.

 

Hugs to you. I know how hard it is.

[Jamess1]

Men become way more attractive when they move on with other women, when they show that they have other options, younger ones for that. The younger and more attractive she is, the stronger your competition is. He didn't cheat on you, you broke up and he moved on, you are the other woman, you are the mistress trying to cheat with another woman's man.

 

You wouldn't marry him because you felt you could do better someday (feminine hypergamy), when you he moved on with a younger woman, you thought, maybe he was the best I could do; women hate to lose to other women : in fact when you went to his place to tell him you want him back, you already knew he had moved on with another woman, lol, lets be honest now ...you had heard that he had moved on with another woman - lol, don't you tell me you didn't know and were surprised to see another woman on his bed.

 

You wanted him back when you realized he had moved, to what extend depends on how younger and more attractive the new girl is relative to you. If he wants to he can easily cheat on her with you (you would,it would validate you) as his mistress..the seks would be even feel better; the anxiety of fuuking a man to win him over from the competition.

 

Inter-seksual dynamics.

[elaine567]

When you split, did you tell him you did not want to get married and have his children or did he use the fact that you had not arranged the wedding as an excuse to dump you.

The onus is not on you to arrange a wedding, so I guess he already had designs on this young woman before you split.

He saw an opportunity and took it.

Now he gets to be all moral as the blame is shifted onto you.

 

Do not stick around. Even if she dumps him tomorrow I doubt he will come back to you for any length of time and before you know it he will have made up some other excuse to leave.

 

BTW how old are you?

[Dreamer2017]

Dear Lostlove,

 

I’m sorry you found yourself in this situation. Many here are blaming your ex for this dilemma. It’s not your ex fault nor yours; it’s life. After reading all of your posts, I have come to some conclusions. You can correct me if I’m wrong. Your ex proposed to you, and you accepted. He wanted to set a date for the marriage and start a family, but you weren’t ready. After 7.5 years, both of you decided to split because of differences of opinion.

 

After some months, he found someone else, and you had a change of heart. He is no longer available, and you do need to move on. This doesn’t mean you won’t reconnect in the future, but at this moment in time, it’s not going to happen.

 

Life is about choices and decisions, and there is a consequence for every decision we make; some good, some bad and some neutral.

 

Best,

Dreamer

[Lostlove11]

When you split, did you tell him you did not want to get married and have his children or did he use the fact that you had not arranged the wedding as an excuse to dump you.

The onus is not on you to arrange a wedding, so I guess he already had designs on this young woman before you split.

He saw an opportunity and took it.

Now he gets to be all moral as the blame is shifted onto you.

 

Do not stick around. Even if she dumps him tomorrow I doubt he will come back to you for any length of time and before you know it he will have made up some other excuse to leave.

 

BTW how old are you?

No I didn’t tell him that I didn’t want to get married or have children. We didn’t even break up properly we just stopped talking, then saw each other a few times and that was it. I don’t even know what date we broke up.

I’m 31.

Why do you doubt he will come back to me?

Men become way more attractive when they move on with other women, when they show that they have other options, younger ones for that. The younger and more attractive she is, the stronger your competition is. He didn't cheat on you, you broke up and he moved on, you are the other woman, you are the mistress trying to cheat with another woman's man.

 

You wouldn't marry him because you felt you could do better someday (feminine hypergamy), when you he moved on with a younger woman, you thought, maybe he was the best I could do; women hate to lose to other women : in fact when you went to his place to tell him you want him back, you already knew he had moved on with another woman, lol, lets be honest now ...you had heard that he had moved on with another woman - lol, don't you tell me you didn't know and were surprised to see another woman on his bed.

 

You wanted him back when you realized he had moved, to what extend depends on how younger and more attractive the new girl is relative to you. If he wants to he can easily cheat on her with you (you would,it would validate you) as his mistress..the seks would be even feel better; the anxiety of fuuking a man to win him over from the competition.

 

Inter-seksual dynamics.

She is younger but I don’t think she is attractive. Her attraction is her age. However I’m not that old I’m 31, but compared to a 20 year old I am “older”.

No, I didn’t want him when I realized he moved on because I honestly didn’t know he moved on with someone else. I went there to tell him how I felt and work things out.He dosn’t have social media etc and I had no way of knowing he moved on as we don’t share any mutual friends.

Yes I was surprised to see a woman in his bed, do you think I would have gone there if that’s what I expected to find??

She is not competition she is cheap and nasty. A 20 year olds plans or intentions with a 40 yr old man are definitely not sincere as his are with her. He is blinded and the only way I can comprehend this situation is that he has reached a mid life crisis!

He is not a player and dosn’t sleep around, I was his first serious long term partner.

I’m not trying to cheat with another woman’s man! He was my man and I just went to reclaim what was mine! (Not knowing he moved on with someone cheap and nasty)

[Lostlove11]

OP, I so feel you. I really do. I know how hard it is to see your ex with someone new. You feel like they must be so much better than you or prettier or better in bed, or whatever. You'll do anything to stop that pain. Trust me, I get it. My ex is with someone new and these are all the thoughts that I have. Feeling like I must have meant nothing. Feeling like he threw me away like a piece of garbage and moved on like it was so easy. Now he gets to be happy and WTF about me?!?

 

Please listen to Twizzlestick, you didn't do anything wrong here. We all bring our own flaws into a relationship, but a person that wants to be with us, that really is invested will work with those flaws. An engagement takes two people to work.

 

Right now, he's being so selfish. He's looking to you as his back up option, or his cushion. This doesn't make him the devil, but I just want you to honestly ask yourself if that's good enough for you? I would say no. You should have been the love of his life, the woman that he couldn't wait to marry, not the one he's keeping on the side in case his fling (and it will definitely be a fling) doesn't pan out.

 

Boundaries are so hard. I'm terrible at them. But every time you let someone walk through a boundary, you let them trample on your heart, you diminish their respect for you little by little, and you teach them that it's ok to be careless with your heart. Stand up for yourself. Try to let him go. I know how hard it is. I think about my ex so much it's maddening. I want the thoughts to stop. But the best thing you can do is to set some boundaries. Because then at least you can respect yourself while you start to heal.

 

Hugs to you. I know how hard it is.

Thanks nolanola.

Yes I was the love of his life, the woman he couldn’t wait to marry now his choosing his fling over me! It’s very disheartening, dissapointing and humiliating.

I feel so hurt and all my thoughts are consumed by this situation, it literally driving me crazy and my emotions are out of control.

Thanks for your advice, best of luck to you, I hope in time you start to heal too xo

[central]

You may have blown your chances when you didn't move ahead with marriage plans. He moved on, as he should (but maybe too quickly for his own good). He found a girl half his age - nothing wrong with that. She's probably just a rebound relationship that won't last, and he probably knows it. Just as he doesn't want to hurt her by suddenly breaking things off, he's probably also throwing you a bone to avoid hurting your feelings, since you seem to want him back. Or, maybe he's conflicted, and doesn't know if he really wants you back, since you might disappoint him again, for all he knows.

 

In hindsight, you realize you missed out on a good thing. It may be recoverable, but you'd both have to get over his current relationship first, and rebuild what you two had before. It seems like that would be difficult, and maybe not worth it.

[stillafool]

She is younger but I don’t think she is attractive. Her attraction is her age. However I’m not that old I’m 31, but compared to a 20 year old I am “older”.

No, I didn’t want him when I realized he moved on because I honestly didn’t know he moved on with someone else. I went there to tell him how I felt and work things out.He dosn’t have social media etc and I had no way of knowing he moved on as we don’t share any mutual friends.

Yes I was surprised to see a woman in his bed, do you think I would have gone there if that’s what I expected to find??

She is not competition she is cheap and nasty. A 20 year olds plans or intentions with a 40 yr old man are definitely not sincere as his are with her. He is blinded and the only way I can comprehend this situation is that he has reached a mid life crisis!

He is not a player and dosn’t sleep around, I was his first serious long term partner.

I’m not trying to cheat with another woman’s man! He was my man and I just went to reclaim what was mine! (Not knowing he moved on with someone cheap and nasty)

 

Whether you consider her cheap and nasty doesn't matter as he wants her. I'm glad you don't consider her competition but you're not acting like it. You have no idea how she feels about her boyfriend as she may be head over heels in love for all you know. Also there are women in their 20s in love and married to 40 year old men. Men typically don't move flings in with them.

[elaine567]

My guess he has a thing for women in their early twenties. You were 22-23 when he first dated you, despite him being 9 years older than you.

Now he has just replaced you with another women in her early twenties...

[Lostlove11]

Hold on. Why are you carrying around all those bags of guilt over this? It’s not for you to set a date on your own. You were engaged. You set dates together. Sounds like life was busy, but here’s the thing. Reles are two people. If someone is engaged to someone, they don’t just sit as an observer, a passenger and say “oh she’s not pulled her finger out, I’m off”.

 

Naaah. If you’re engaged you’re in deep. You should be at the pinncile of working together as a couple, after all that’s what you’ll get told at Pre wedding counselling. What was your ex doing to commincuate with you, to work with you? You could’ve moved forward from this, but it would’ve taken both of you.

 

Weddings aren’t targets to reach, and once you past the hurdle all is great and suddenly you switch into two people with empathy and dedication. Sounds like your ex failed miserably in working with you on why you both hadn’t set a date.

 

Life happens, and if all it takes is the stresses of life for someone to bail, then the fault does not lie solely at your door.

 

Set those bags down now. What people tell you (your ex) is often blame shifting and incredibly simplified regarding the truth that led to the position you’re both in. And you’re only too happy to carry those bags of guilt. Stop it. You’re not the only one to blame. There was no cheating, no triangulating moment of singular blame on one party.

 

 

Thanks Twizzlestick. You made me feel better.

I agree weddings are not targets to reach and I believe that love shouldn’t need to be validated through marriage.

Yes we were engaged and in a long term relationship it wasn’t just a fling

[S2B]

You offered to be his backup plan?

 

No no no!

 

Start dating - new guys!

 

This guy isn’t leaving her and you begging isn’t right!

[preraph]

it wasn't a year, we broke up in the middle of last year. The last time i saw him was 2 months ago.

Yes he moved on, however with a girl 20 years younger? What could they possibly have in common? He tells me he loved me more then anything in the world and couldn't live without me and ill always be his true love, now he can live without me?

 

He doesn't care if they have anything in common. 40 year old guys just like chasing 20-somethings if they can get them for mainly sexual purposes. It won't likely last, but she may get pregnant or something like that and bind them together forever. You should ask if he's wearing condoms. Can't trust a 20-something to always do birth control right. Chances are he won't be done even if she leaves. If he got one 20 year old, he will go after another.

 

I have a great idea! Why don't you just start actively dating? It will drive him crazy and he certainly can't have anything to say about it given what he's doing. Best thing is if he cares about you, it will give him some urgency to make up his mind. Worst case scenario is you find someone else to love! Please take that suggestion seriously. It's the only thing you can do to maintain your dignity in this situation and it's common sense not to sit and wait for him. You're single.

[Purepony]

Why can’t I find a sweet girl like the op

Op it’s really not your fault he’s just using that as an excuse and he knows what he’s doing because let’s face facts ...!

 

1. You came back and are trying and willing to get over this

 

That’s a huge wow for anyone who’s serious about someone and a serious step... I know I would really appreciate that

 

2. He’s pounding a 20 year old and he can’t possibly think it will work out long term however he gave her a key so he’s either really lonely or really into her but you never really know

 

3. Remember things happen for a reason and for the best. I know you invested almost seven years but it seems like it means more to you tha it does to him

 

4. Let him fall flat on his face. At least you tried do you can walk away with your dignity and your respect

 

5. You deserve better op don’t forget that

[ElKay]

You don't want him back and yet you ask him for kisses after you found out about them? I think you might be in denial as your words don't match your actions.

[preraph]

I think the very fact you were his first is why he felt he should explore. I wouldn't count on him coming back. He might, but you should date.

[nolanola]

Thanks nolanola.

Yes I was the love of his life, the woman he couldn’t wait to marry now his choosing his fling over me! It’s very disheartening, dissapointing and humiliating.

I feel so hurt and all my thoughts are consumed by this situation, it literally driving me crazy and my emotions are out of control.

Thanks for your advice, best of luck to you, I hope in time you start to heal too xo

 

I do understand. I really do. Many, many of us have been in similar situations.

 

You will see a lot of people on here inferring things or jumping to conclusions about you or your relationship -- clearly none of us know exactly what happened with someone else or is happening. No stranger on the internet knows exactly what you're going through or why things happened. It's all just speculation based on your post. Please don't also read what other people post about how she's better because she's 20. 20 year olds are also immature and can be very annoying to someone who's older.

 

The best thing I think you can do is walk away with your head high. Stop talking to him. I can almost certainly guarantee this fling will flare out. Don't know how long it will take, but I'd be amazed if it last a year. And that is incredibly tough to take, imaging someone you love in this situation. But there is nothing else you can do. Walk away and let him live with his choice to be with her. I have a feeling he will come to second guess himself, but right now he's being selfish in wanting to sow his oats with her and keep you as an option. And that is NOT good enough for you.

[Orokotikki]

Stop being the Plan B for a gross cradle robber. Ew.

You are worth more and can do better.

See an IC about why you can't move on!

[Lostlove11]

You offered to be his backup plan?

 

No no no!

 

Start dating - new guys!

 

This guy isn’t leaving her and you begging isn’t right!

 

No I didn't offer to be his backup plan!

He suggested it.

[Lostlove11]

I do understand. I really do. Many, many of us have been in similar situations.

 

You will see a lot of people on here inferring things or jumping to conclusions about you or your relationship -- clearly none of us know exactly what happened with someone else or is happening. No stranger on the internet knows exactly what you're going through or why things happened. It's all just speculation based on your post. Please don't also read what other people post about how she's better because she's 20. 20 year olds are also immature and can be very annoying to someone who's older.

 

The best thing I think you can do is walk away with your head high. Stop talking to him. I can almost certainly guarantee this fling will flare out. Don't know how long it will take, but I'd be amazed if it last a year. And that is incredibly tough to take, imaging someone you love in this situation. But there is nothing else you can do. Walk away and let him live with his choice to be with her. I have a feeling he will come to second guess himself, but right now he's being selfish in wanting to sow his oats with her and keep you as an option. And that is NOT good enough for you.

 

I hope the fling flares out, however I don't think it will.

The girl was living with his mother and who knows how long this has been going on for.

He loves attention and I think being with another woman is boosting his ego too much for his own good.

I gave him a lot of freedom, I trusted him, and whilst I was upset about the whole situation he couldn't wait to sleep with a 20 year old girl.

Thanks for your advice.

[Lostlove11]

Whether you consider her cheap and nasty doesn't matter as he wants her. I'm glad you don't consider her competition but you're not acting like it. You have no idea how she feels about her boyfriend as she may be head over heels in love for all you know. Also there are women in their 20s in love and married to 40 year old men. Men typically don't move flings in with them.

 

She loves him for what he has not who he is.

How come he dosn't have other 20 year old's falling head over heels in love with him?

I bet if he met her randomly there would be no chance that they would be together.

How come he hasn't told his friends about this girl if shes not just a fling?

She would have moved herself in,making sure she makes herself comfortable in case I came back.

[Lostlove11]

You deserve better op don’t forget that

 

Thanks.

 

I'm not even sure why I told him what I was there for when I came to visit when I saw a 20 year old there. He referred to her as "seeing someone" He didn't call her his girlfriend despite her sleeping and living with him.

 

Yes even though I feel so hurt about the whole situation I was willing to work together with him to get over this and move on, I must be crazy!!

When I saw him he excitedly commented to me that he his neighbour would be seeing two girls chasing after him now & would wonder what's going on.

It's like he is loving the attention and ego boost of being chased and sleeping with a young girl.

 

Yes things happen for a reason however if you truly love someone you don't just give up on them like that.He has hurt me many times in the past(not to this degree) however I was loyal and stuck around because we were engaged and I was in love. We weren't just bf and gf. We were in a long term serious relationship.

Despite what has happened I still love him, and if he truly loved me like he said he did, how could someone just move on so easily?

 

Thanks for your advice.

Edited February 9, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Lostlove11]

You don't want him back and yet you ask him for kisses after you found out about them? I think you might be in denial as your words don't match your actions.

 

I didn't say that I didn't want him back.

I went to his place to work things out, I wanted him back, that's why I went there.

I had no idea that he had find someone else. I didn't go there because he had someone else. I didn't know he was sleeping and living with a 20 year old girl.

[Lostlove11]

I think the very fact you were his first is why he felt he should explore. I wouldn't count on him coming back. He might, but you should date.

 

I don't feel like dating again.

He has made me feel so dissapointed in men & life.

I thought he had morals and was a decent person, never in my wildest dreams did I even imagine he would find someone 20 years younger. His 40 and she's 20.