DKT3 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Yes that’s the complicated part Quite sure child is mine as wife and I are both Asians and the other guy isn’t Hmm, this makes this even more complicated. How traditional are her parents? Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldfuzion1978 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 Hmm, this makes this even more complicated. How traditional are her parents? Sadly her parents aren’t around anymore Part of me is so heartbroken and another part is just so angry/jealous and wanna pay her back Link to post Share on other sites
Happy Lemming Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 At some point, you are going to have to talk about the situation. What do you think her response will be?? Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Two things I posted earlier are to get a counselor and visit an attorney to learn your rights. I wasn't talking about a marriage counselor at this point. I was referring to an individual counselor. You need some support and it also seems to me you need someone to help you work through this to figure out how you'll handle it. Is there any way you can get copies of the messages you found? If it comes to the place where you confront her and want to have a convo about it, it would be helpful to have them so that she won't think she can lie her way out of it. Not that she'd convince you, but that it would mean you wouldn't have to have that discussion (her trying to convince you that you didn't see what you did, some people are that devious). Also, you may need the proof for legal reasons at some point. In any case, your wife needs to experience consequences for what she has done, even if you end up staying with her. I, personally, wouldn't allow someone who had done this to touch me or be affectionate with me in any way until the ap had been dismissed permanently and the issue thoroughly dealt with (consequences and counseling) between the two of us. She won't respect you if you allow her to continue this and if there are no consequences to her behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldfuzion1978 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 At some point, you are going to have to talk about the situation. What do you think her response will be?? I don’t have a clue and that’s what I’m afraid of The guy has invited her to visit him on several occasions Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Sadly her parents aren’t around anymore Part of me is so heartbroken and another part is just so angry/jealous and wanna pay her back I ask because it could be possible she married you because you are Asian and she feels she has to be married to an Asian. If this is possible, its likely she really wants this other guy. Trust me, at some point it will just be anger Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldfuzion1978 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) Is there any way you can get copies of the messages you found? If it comes to the place where you confront her and want to have a convo about it, it would be helpful to have them so that she won't think she can lie her way out of it. Not that she'd convince you, but that it would mean you wouldn't have to have that discussion (her trying to convince you that you didn't see what you did, some people are that devious). Yes I have emailed those messages that a bit saucy to keep as proof I’m still going through them...quite a lot dating from 2010 till now...scanning for key sexual terms I have found quite a few racy conversations between them as you can imagine! Edited January 26, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 You first course of action should be to inform his wife if he's married. Without any warning. Right after you have contacted a good attorney and filed. There is nothing to save here and trying to live on hopium will get you nothing. Life is to short to waste on worthless ventures. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I really don’t know...to add to things we have a 3 year old It would be wise to DNA the child. He may not be biologically yours. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldfuzion1978 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 You first course of action should be to inform his wife if he's married. Without any warning. Right after you have contacted a good attorney and filed. There is nothing to save here and trying to live on hopium will get you nothing. Life is to short to waste on worthless ventures. He’s divorced himself so no one to inform unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Part of me is so heartbroken and another part is just so angry/jealous and wanna pay her back Many of us here can relate to being heartbroken. And we can also relate to the desire to get some payback. I'm of the opinion that in most cases the best payback is the payback your future ex-wife gets when she sees you living well, living happily, living with a new wife who treats you the way you deserve. This might not happen for some time, but when it does your ex can stew in it and realize what she lost. Unless your future ex-wife radically changes how she conducts herself, she isn't going to have a satisfying relationship with a possible future husband. Protect yourself, financially, heath-wise, emotionally, legally. Sharing your wife with another man is not what you signed up for. And think of your three year old child. Is this situation really what is best for the child ? Absolutely not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author coldfuzion1978 Posted January 25, 2019 Author Share Posted January 25, 2019 Many of us here can relate to being heartbroken. And we can also relate to the desire to get some payback. I'm of the opinion that in most cases the best payback is the payback your future ex-wife gets when she sees you living well, living happily, living with a new wife who treats you the way you deserve. This might not happen for some time, but when it does your ex can stew in it and realize what she lost. Unless your future ex-wife radically changes how she conducts herself, she isn't going to have a satisfying relationship with a possible future husband. Protect yourself, financially, heath-wise, emotionally, legally. Sharing your wife with another man is not what you signed up for. And think of your three year old child. Is this situation really what is best for the child ? Absolutely not. Yes I’m just afraid I might lose custody of my child as usually the mother gets custody unless she’s seriously unfit to be a mother Link to post Share on other sites
The Dude Abides Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Yes I’m just afraid I might lose custody of my child as usually the mother gets custody unless she’s seriously unfit to be a mother I have known several men though the years who ended up with full custody of the kids once the legal process worked its way to completion. Your attorney might be able to convince the court or the judge that these behaviors are NOT what responsible mother should exhibit and thus she shouldn't have custody. One point of view is that while she was out running around with this other dude having illicit and ongoing hookups, she was NOT caring for her young child. IOW, the long-term pattern of irresponsibility might sway things in your favor. Contact an attorney and find out what your options are . Continue to gather all the evidence of the times she has been out running around while her child was at home, needing his/her mother. You might end up in a courtroom with a judge who takes a dim view of your wife's wavering commitment to her child. I really feel for you man. I was sick to my stomach and couldn't breath when I finally put it all together and realized my first wife was running around. I understand your pain. No one should have to go through this kind of agony. But resolve to focus your energy on finding out what your options are, especially the options for your you and your child. Link to post Share on other sites
CollinW Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Yes I’m just afraid I might lose custody of my child as usually the mother gets custody unless she’s seriously unfit to be a mother Are you using the child as an excuse for codependency? To be honest that should be the least of your worries, it's better to raise your kids happily single than miserable married. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I guess I was the safe bet...the good man who will take care of her...classic case of I love her more than she loves me I guess... From reading through the messages it does appear the other guy isn’t the sort looking for a long term committed relationship. They fight over this constantly and then kiss and make up over and over. I'll just point out this is really isn't an affair, as it predates your marriage it's basically a double life. Wife and mother with you, lover and temptress with him. You're doing the work, he's reaping the benefits. coldfuzion1978, other than custody issues, what could possibly be behind you desire to stay married to her? Yours is one of the more egregious stories of spousal betrayal I've seen here, and trust me, there's been plenty posted... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
smi11ie Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Sorry you find yourself here. First things first, DNA your kid, get checked for STDs, back up all evidence and secure it, consult with a lawyer. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Orokotikki Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Tap into your inner strength! Secure your finances before confronting! (Get her name off joint accounts etc, cancel joint cards) Do you live in the US? See a lawyer for your options right away! EVEN if you do want to save your marriage, YOU NEED TO BE WILLING TO LOSE THE MARRIAGE TO SAVE IT. You need to be willing to go through with a divorce to stop the affair. Best of luck and my heartfelt prayers are with you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 The messages started before we got married but we were exclusive by then and were living together. It continued even after we got engaged and married. So basically your marriage was built on a lie. It's your life, but don't you want to know what is going on? Now there's trust issues and those won't get any better as time goes on. Don't be afraid to tell her you know that she's having an affair. It's worse for you to sit and do nothing all the meanwhile she's sneaking around behind your back, lying to you and pretending everything is okay at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Chaparral Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Sounds like if he snaps his fingers she will be gone . Protect yourself and see a lawyer now. In your heart you know where this is going. Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 It's pretty simple. Which do you prefer: sharing your wife's heart and body with another man or ending your sham of a marriage? You can see which side I'm on. Your child will survive a divorce just fine -- loads of kids do. Link to post Share on other sites
Buckeye2 Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Quite sure child is mine as wife and I are both Asians and the other guy isn’t I have friends where the husband is Asian and the wife is white. They have three kids that all look Asian. I don’t know where you live but in the US you can buy a DNA kit at almost any drug store. Just swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s. Then send the kit to a lab. Link to post Share on other sites
notbroken Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 You can't 'unknow' what you found out. This will affect you and your relationship in ways you can't yet fathom. You can't/won't/don't trust your wife the same way ever again and that will take it's toll on your relationship, you personally, and your kid. You have no choice but to confront her really. Your future is dependent on that. Honestly, under the circumstances you - and your kid - would most likely be better off splitting from her. She's not the person you thought you married. I'm so sorry, but that is the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Lewhawk Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 I’m sorry for your pain but I have to be your Vito Corleone. You can be a man, this guy has done things with your wife that you aren’t allowed to do and you’re willing to accept that?! Damn it get mad dude, you won’t lose her by confronting, because based on the timeline you never had her to begin with. She’s played you your entire marriage and you need to be willing to divorce her if you want any chance of having a normal life. Your child deserves better from you, and you deserve better from the person you would call your wife. Don’t accept this, hell I’m pissed off just reading it and it’s not even my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Simple Logic Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 Hi all Not really sure where to begin but I was helping my wife back up her old phone and transferring stuff she’s got into her new phone. Whilst doing that I stumbled across several archived WhatsApp messages dating back a few years with a guy. Without delving into too much details it appears thery have been interesting and connecting on both an emotional and physical level. The details aren’t explicit but I can tell she’s really connected with him emotionally and also she really enjoys sex with him to the extent of doing thing like anal which she wouldn’t normally with me. She doesn’t know that I know and I don’t know what I should do next. I’m scared that if I confront her...I will end up losing her which I can’t bear to! How long have you been married? Link to post Share on other sites
Turning point Posted January 25, 2019 Share Posted January 25, 2019 (edited) CAUTION! With respect to confronting her, I would take time to protect yourself. I know that you want to keep this marriage and there's nothing wrong with that. This is a very serious deception however, and she has been operating it for a very long time. Consider the possibility that you may have never seen the true character of this person. It is possible that her reaction will be shockingly hostile and discarding. You are at serious risk financially, personally, and emotionally if it turns out the her true nature is nothing like the character she has portrayed. Once the ruse ends - there's no telling who will emerge from behind that mask. Edited January 25, 2019 by Turning point 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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