Any MMs in the house? How did you compartmentalize after dDay?

[pepperbird]

It sounds like really are trying, and like I said, this yours your husband you care enough about him and value him enough to try. That is a huge gift.

 

 

Another benefit to all this hard work on yourself is that, whether you stay married or go your separate ways, you will have learned a while lot about yourself, which will both help you as an individual and make you a better relationship partner.

 

 

 

It also sounds like you check in with your husband to see how he's doing. This is another positive step.

[lucky-girl]

There was a TED talk about the science of 'love'. They say it's an addiction because it activates the same part of the brain that is activated by drugs and other addictive behaviour. (shown in MRI) So just thinking about your ex /ex-AP fires the same part and even though it hurts it's like taking another hit of the drug. That's why it's so hard to forget about him - your brain is craving another hit.

When you start to think of him, perhaps it would help to see those thoughts as a nasty drug habit you need to quit.

 

Perhaps it would also help to keep reminding yourself that your affair was a fantasy - in that it's like a romance or erotic novel where everything is amazing because they've left out all the crap of real life. It's natural - almost impossible not to compare your AP to your spouse, your affair to your marriage. Of course your affair and AP are going to look the best and make your marriage and spouse dull by comparison. You haven't lived with your AP for years, you haven't put up with his snoring, dirty habits etc. You put effort into that relationship because it's easy, because it's once a week or whatever, not 24/7. So the point is while it was wonderful and exciting, remind yourself that it was that because it was a sort of fantasy relationship, untouched by the reality of day to day life.

I guess it won't stop you missing the fantasy but perhaps it will be easier if don't see him as the one you should be with.

[Chaparral]

Did you say you cheated on your husband twice? Did you ever cheat on any other partners? When did you fall out of love with your husband? Before the first affair?

 

You should google serial cheater and see if that gives you a good road to introspection.

[YoungCandy]

I have been reading so much about affairs in the last year and it often comes up that men stay married because 1, comfort/lifestyle 2, they're able to compartmentalize and literally block out their AP after dDay. Is this true or a bunch of BS? BTW, I'm not talking about PA only, strictly after EA where the words, 'I love you' and all those acts of love were present for months/years.

 

This is almost exactly how I feel from my wife after her affairs. I've been struggling with this for over a year now. We tried almost everything you said and chemistry just didn't happen. In my case, it's my wife who wants it to stay and I got the feeling that she's staying for the comfort/kids and lifestyle. If you ask me I would call this BS because I cannot live with a marriage like that, at least not in the long term.

 

I think love needs to be mutual and love is to be loved. Both partners should have the desire for each other through some sort of physical and emotional attachment/dependence. Sometimes, each partner may express those things in a different way than what the other expects and their needs don't match. Maybe some people are okay with this situation and choose to live on the marriage. But I doubt if I can.

 

I think its best if you can get your H to start to talk and tell you about it. We're not in a perfect world and most of the time you probably won't be able to make decisions fully informed. Whatever you choose to do is not wrong. I am just sharing my experience here.

[niji]

I think in order to move on you have to come to term with why you feel the way you feel. Everyone of us wants to believe (at least women, I'm one of them so I can only speak for myself) the connection we had with person X is special, earth-shattering, etc, and it very well may be, but put it in a normal situation (where both of you are available), and I can guarantee it WILL NOT feel that way. Extramarital affairs are examples of, but not the only cases, of romance that never-can-be. The impossibility of the situation compounds your emotions many fold, simply because as humans we're conditioned to want what we CANNOT have. Without this instinct, we wouldn't be tempted to do drugs, have affairs, commit crime, etc; we also wouldn't be hungry to advance our civilization and the world would remain as it was during the caveman days. Everything has its pros and cons.

 

 

Compare this excitement of the never-can-be to your mundane marriage to your spouse. How can that ever, ever win?? I've never had affairs, but during my single days I've been infatuated with a married person before. Never in my life had I experience such profound happiness, sadness, longing for a human being. To the point of thinking if I had to jump into the ocean to be with him, I would Take this and compare it to my marriage - my husband and I have so many similarities it's eerie, we get along unbelievably well, and I would never marry anyone else. This is a person I love with all my heart, would give up my organs for him in a transplant case And yet, I've never had that intense longing to the point of contemplating jumping off a ship (I probably would if it really happened, but I don't contemplate it ) It's just stable, loving relationship. It doesn't have the spikes and dips, the highs and lows of a relationship that can't-be.

 

 

I think thinking about the nature of your relationship will help give some introspection. Then, think about the things you almost lost, but now have gained, because the affair didn't materialize into a long-term relationship. You've gained back your spouse, one who you promised to love your entire life. You've gained back your children, family, friends (unless your family and friends were supportive of the affair, which I doubt). You see, during an impossible relationship, it's so addicting that the only thing you ever care about was that person. You forget everything - and everyone - else who used to matter to you in the world. Now, try to think about those people, those activities, and be glad that you've gained them back.

 

 

Had I been engaged with the married person I was infatuated with, I highly doubt I would have been able to travel the world alone, finish a post-grad degree early, and most importantly, have a marriage that's free from any burden such affair would have brought on. And only to imagine if I had sacrificed my future for a highly adrenaline driven infatuation. OH. MY. GOODNESS.

Edited February 5, 2019 by niji