Did I do the right thing?

[SSE]

If you had a daughter in your situation what would you tell her?

 

My mother knows the entire story and gets why I hang on to him. I’ve been longing for a boyfriend for a long time. She knows the things he said to me and understands they are very confusing. One minute he says he’ll take good care of me and the next that I’ll find Mr. Right someday because I’m so funny, sweet, bla bla bla. And a week later it’s again something else. But she also thinks he’s using me as a play thing, diversion from his real life, something extra. She doesn’t like the way he treats me. But she didn’t push me to make a decision because I’m old enough to make my own. She just told me her opinion.

 

A colleague of a friend of mine left his wife and 3 young children to be with her from the moment she was single. They are very happy now and are going to buy a house together. So these stories can have an happy end. But he did leave his wife within a time spam of a few months. And my friend and him didn’t have sex before he was separated (she says). If such a situation takes too long, I would advise my daughter to break it off. It’s not healthy. But it’s her decision to make.

 

 

Yes, you will find someone again that you 'click' with, who makes you laugh, who you feel passion and desire for.

 

MM is the first one I really clicked with. It’s not easy to have that feeling, I know I don’t fall in love easily. I will have to start dating if I hope to find someone. I did for a short time before I was involved with MM and I hated it. To forced for me. But what else can I do? I go to the gym, most of the people I meet there are female. At work, most of my colleagues are married (and I’m not going down that road again). I don’t go dancing, most of my friends don’t do it anymore, and I don’t enjoy it anymore as well.

 

A friend at the gym became single at 32 and is now 42. She does everything right: dating sites, busy social life, yet she can’t find a good partner. She’s lonely and longs for a good man. However, she can’t seem to find one. And no, she doesn’t have a high standards. Some people stay single and not by choice. You just cannot know and that’s scary. I’m 28 and I can feel her pain and think that will be the same path for me because I’ve never been lucky in love. The first one to notice me was MM and I was already 25 then. I find it hard to believe I will find someone else, can’t help it. I feel like a failure if I look around me. Everyone has found love except me.

 

F*ck, I miss him.

[BaileyB]

 

A colleague of a friend of mine left his wife and 3 young children to be with her from the moment she was single. They are very happy now and are going to buy a house together. So these stories can have an happy end.

 

A friend at the gym became single at 32 and is now 42. She does everything right: dating sites, busy social life, yet she can’t find a good partner. She’s lonely and longs for a good man. However, she can’t seem to find one.

 

I feel her pain and think that will be the same path for me because I’ve never been lucky in love. I feel like a failure if I look around me. Everyone has found love except me.

 

These stories can have a happy ending? For whom exactly? You are looking at this from your point of view, defining success as “the OW got her man.” I’m just saying, that may not be happiness for the wife and their children (or maybe it is, if she discorved his infidelity and decided she wanted more than an unfaithful husband for her partner). It may not be happiness for the OW who worries constantly that he is going to go back to his wife or cheat again... talk about a trust issue. Be aware, things are seldom as they appear. And, if you are holding out hope or measuring your success in life by the “appearance” that this couple were “successful” in finding a way to be together... Well, you are probably going to be disapppointed. You are going to be the source of your own pain.

 

My friend, I completely get why you are holding onto this man. I was single for a long time, I watched my friends get married and start families, and I felt like finding love was for some reason, not for me. But - I was wrong.

 

You are holding onto this man only because you are afraid and you think he is better than nothing. But you have to realize, he was never yours to have and he will never be yours as long as he is married to another woman. You are thinking about this man, and wanting this man, and ultimately, that keeps you from being truly available to find the “right” man who can give you exactly what you want.

 

You know what I realized in my time as a sington, dating and waiting to find “the one.” It’s not to actually about the end result - it’s about the journey. As cliche as that sounds, it’s about your own personal growth. The growth that will happen if you allow yourself to be open to possibilities, learn to take risks, and find peace in being alone. The stength and resisliance that you will discover within yourself as you find your own path. The growth that will show you someday that you were a fool to waste your youth on a man who treated you badly and couldn’t give you what you want. The ability to know without a doubt that you deserve more. The ability to know without a doubt that happiness can not be found with a man, but within you. You are denying yourself the opportunity to learn about yourself, and learn about relationships, if you continue to hold onto this attachment to this MM.

 

Being single isn’t all that bad. I cultivated many wonderful friendships, built a wonderful career, and travelled the world. My partner is wonderful and he brings many new things to my life, but he also keeps me from having the freedom to do some of the things that I love to do. Personally, I’d rather be single, happy, and living my life than holding onto an unhealthy attachment to a man who has treated me badly.... I hope you get to the place where you feel that way too someday.

Edited January 19, 2019 by BaileyB

[SSE]

I can’t help it. Some days I’m fairly OK, but others, I’m like this. I cannot stop crying. I know I got the advice to do things I like, but I don’t like anything anymore. It’s a great tip to allow yourself to think of him and what has happened in a boxed timeframe, my therapist suggested it also, but it doesn’t work for me. If I try not to think of him, I think of the fact that I’m still living with my parents because I’m too scared to live alone and face loneliness. Or the fact that I have to visit a girlfriend that has given birth and I have to be happy for her. Or the fact that my younger brother makes fun of me because he has found love and I don’t. Or the fact that my dad thinks I should settle at my age… I don’t have other nice things to think about actually. So yes, I’m miserable and think of him. How easy their life must be with all that money. How they are playing with their child in the snow and thinking of making another one. Planning the next family vacation. I envy her. She has him and I don’t. Agreed, he cheated. But you don’t know if he’ll do it again. I don’t think their relationship is as bad as he made it seem.

 

I know he doesn’t love me the right way. I didn’t lose the love of my life, but he is the first man I really loved. Very intense feeling for me. And it was all a lie because he doesn’t love me. I mean, he encouraged me to get a boyfriend so I would become sexually experienced when we would have sex… At my age, I finally wanted to begin my life. You know, just be normal, like anyone else. Be in a relationship and not always be the one to attend weddings alone for example. I believed much of what he told me, because I wouldn’t say those things while not meaning them and at least not for 2 years. All I wanted was that he loved me. I’m in pain and it doesn’t seem to get better. He has her, his family and a very comfortable life and I don’t. How the f*ck do you get over that??? How do you get over wanting him?

 

How do you get over that combined with the feeling that I want love and to be loved in a right way, but not knowing if that’s in the cards for me. There’s truth in saying you should be happy on your own, but I was ready for a companion. I felt soooo nice to finally have someone that I also liked. Life is better when you’re in a good relationship. It’s the way I see it and I think so do a lot of people. Love can make you feel good. I don’t want to be alone forever. I want to have my family someday. Being single may be not bad, but it doesn’t seem like that to me. I’m the weird one in my environment because I’m the only one without a partner. People/society think something must be wrong with me. Even MM said it. He thought I was being too picky and that I should give the ugly guys (like himself) also a chance. Indeed, I got relationship advice from him

 

How did you cope with the feeling that love wasn’t in the cards for you Bailey? Didn't it bother you? Did you date a lot? How long were you single? Also at my age? And how did you meet your partner? Just curious…

[Vivir]

SSE.

You'll have to play the hand you were dealt. Some people steal cards. Some people make their own luck. Some people fold. You are heartbroken. It will take time to heal.

 

It matters what you do with this time, because you will not get this time back. If you want to feel better, and I think you do (and you deserve to feel better, too), YOU are going to have to do things and think (different) things to feel better.

 

The man and his wife have a baby that they play with. OK. Other people are in relationships. OK. Many are not. None of us can control other people, the decisions they make or what they say... but you can control what you do and what you say. You are in a relationship, too, with yourself. And this is the most important relationship of all. You will have to actively find your happiness. I have found happiness in sunshine and in good music and in taking a walk and in looking at plants or flowers. Simple. You will have to find your own.

 

On the days when you feel fairly OK, what is happening? Are you busy? Think back to the last time you felt fairly OK. Why do you think you felt this way then? Can you recreate the scenario? How bad do you want to feel consistently better? It's looking like you're going to have to fight for it. I've got some boxing gloves you can borrow.

[Missinghim17]

OP, I feel your pain and big hugs to you for being the one to end it. I've been involved with a MM almost 10 years on and off. He is the love of my life. He has ended it numerous times but always comes back. I have never been strong enough to end it. The last time he broke up with me (5 months ago) I told him i was going to block him and go NC. I bravely did and am still in miserable pain every single day. I have tried dating other men but i don't want to. I am single by the way. Im really sick and tired of him coming and going when he feels like it leaving me shattered. I find myself unblocking him now and then to check if he's reached out and he hasn't. We have sometimes gone up to a year of not talking and around that year mark, i slightly start to feel better, but then he comes back and i fell right back into his trap. It sucks!! I hope you have the strength in you to hold out and not allow him back should he try again.

[SSE]

I tried to install Tinder but I panicked and couldn’t go through with it. All these thoughts popped into my mind. What if men I like won’t like me (I’m overweight)? What if I meet someone who will hurt me again? I don’t need that feeling of not being good enough or being strung along anymore. I started crying. I want to try to move forward but I can’t. I’m too scared. And this mindset also brings me closer to the one thing I fear the most: never being loved and ending all alone… I’m stuck and don’t know what to do. Time flies. Everyone around me has love and I have to be happy for them. But I can’t anymore. I already cancelled two dates with friends because I don’t want to hear the talks about weddings and babies. I’m isolating myself while I’m already lonely… But I just don’t want to hear it anymore. I just can’t.

 

I visited an old friend yesterday who also knows about MM. She told me it was a good thing I ended things so he could work on his marriage. I was like what?? I didn’t force him to contact me, he always initiated contact, I asked to be honest with me and gave him multiple ways out. He didn’t and kept coming back. I know it was wrong of me to allow him back and I know the reasons why I did, but it’s a good thing I ended it for HIS benefit??? Because, as she told me, I’m still young enough to find someone else. This is the same thing MM told me when he discarded me previous summer.

 

I hate it when people tell me that. Ok, so I’m younger. There are more people single at my age than when I would be 40. Agreed. But I’m not looking for just someone, I’m looking for that special person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with. I have more options, more men available I guess but that doesn’t mean that the search for the right one is more easy for me than for someone who is older. I rarely click with anyone but I did click with him. It’s not easy for me to find that again if I will ever find it again. Sometimes it seems to me that when you’re a young single OW people expect you will find someone else in no time. As if my pain isn’t real because I’m young. But trust me, it is.

 

I miss him terribly. I know I did the right thing by ending it for ME because when I asked if there would be a chance for a real relationship, he said only when his current one ends. However, he doesn’t know when that will be. So that can be in 2 years, 20 years or never… And even then it's not a guarantee he would want me. I loved him and now he’s gone forever. He’s with her. Who knows working on his marriage. And I get it. There’s so much more invested in his marriage: kids, friends and money. If that relationship can improve, I would also go for it. But why stringing someone else along for almost 2 years while you do it??

 

I’m all alone. She doesn’t know anything. I’m the only one who’s hurting here. I know I deserve some part of that hurt, but damn, it’s so unfair. I know he doesn't feel guilty. I bet he thinks because I’m young I will already have someone else. Only if he knew… I have a hard time accepting all of this. I don’t know what to do and feel like I will be stuck in this mess forever. While everyone else around me has found happiness. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel for me.

[bathtub-row]

What your friend said was insensitive. Stop trying to date. You’re not ready. I wish there was a quick fix to your pain but there isn’t one. As far as being alone, it’s a temporary situation and not the worst thing in the world. If you don’t want to be around others right now, then honor that with yourself. You’ll find that you’ll eventually emerge ready to greet the world again. Give yourself time to mourn and heal. In the meantime, why not spend the time getting yourself in shape?

[BaileyB]

Do you have a counsellor that you see?

 

Reading your last post, it is very clear that you are not ready to date yet. You have a lot of work to do to get to a healthy place. This whole post is basically your fear talking. You are making decisions, justifying all the reasons why you do not want to date/want your MM back, and you are angry with your friend (who actually spoke the truth, you are just not ready to hear it yet) because you are coming from a place of fear and anxiety. And that is why you won’t be successful if you start dating now.

 

Don’t wait for this man. He is not your “one and only.” There are other men who will love you, if you are open to the possibility. Right now, you are not and that’s fine. Find a counsellor, if you don’t have one already, to see if you can move forward... this is not a fun place to be.

[TheRainbow]

Wow 2 years sounds familiar! IÂ’ve been waiting 2 years for her and nothing happened,,, What I donÂ’t get is why do they say theyÂ’ll leave their relationships but donÂ’t and then they expect us to wait?

 

They want to keep you around as long as possible. It may not be the case with all affairs. I recently found out, my former affair partner was using me as a reason to leave his marriage, where I had never intended to be with him. I didn't really like him as a person, he was intimidating. But point is, they don't want to leave their marriage, they likely have a great partner at home, I know I did. They just want a side piece, and hoping by filling their affair partner's head with hope that they'll stick around, because finding a new side piece takes work.

[FoundMyStrength]

They want to keep you around as long as possible. It may not be the case with all affairs. I recently found out, my former affair partner was using me as a reason to leave his marriage, where I had never intended to be with him. I didn't really like him as a person, he was intimidating. But point is, they don't want to leave their marriage, they likely have a great partner at home, I know I did. They just want a side piece, and hoping by filling their affair partner's head with hope that they'll stick around, because finding a new side piece takes work.

 

 

Exactly. One time, I asked a friend of mine why he had an affair versus leaving his wife. He acknowledged being unhappy in his marriage, but per his description, what kept him there was comfort/familiarity, friendship with his wife, raising his kids, a certain style of living (finances, status), and the brutal task of getting divorced, being lonely, and picking up the pieces. Unhappy or not, divorce is a scary thing. It's easier to stay.

[assertives]

I can guarantee that even if you end up alone, you will still be having a much better time than this torment you are going through back and forth with the mm. Being alone may not be a choice, but loneliness is a choice, and frankly, loneliness isn't that bad. I know the feeling of being surrounded with friends and family all welcoming their 1st and 2nd child while here I am still single. I'm 36 going on 37 this year. In the beginning, I was stressed about it too. My father once told me that because I'm fat, no one will want to marry me. Every new years' gathering, relatives would ask about my dating life. I finally got sick of beating myself up that I told my father I don't want to get married. I have since made peace with being single, but if and when someone comes along, I am open to being in a relationship too. You live your life according to your terms, and not others. You don't have to be pressurized to get married and have kids now because everyone else around you are. Everybody's "timeline" in life is different.

 

As for your post regarding how your mm must treat his wife better, you don't know. You are not her and you are not there to witness what goes on in their lives. Only she can say if he was good to her or not. What you see on social media is just the specially curated part to look good on social media. There's one thing you can confirm though, is that he is a lying and cheating spouse, one that broke his marriage vows and continues to break them.

 

The most important lesson I've learned is that we need to learn to love ourselves, even if nobody else does. I hope you can use this time to recalibrate and find out what you really want in life and you will find that you will look for more qualities in a life partner than just someone who clicks with you and likes you back. Perhaps you are not able to see this now, but what you want and look for in a spouse and life partner changes as you grow older and experience more in life.

Edited February 25, 2019 by assertives