Did I do the right thing?

[Bittersweetie]

Yes, you are doing the right thing.

 

Instead of focusing on whether you'll still be in the same place in one year, focus on healing and moving forward one step at a time. You don't have to make all of your life decisions now; right now you are making the choice to heal and focus on yourself. Maybe in a year you can see where you are and start thinking of next steps in terms of new relationship.

 

Right now you have been given a gift of time...to heal, to change, to learn from past mistakes, to rebuild your strength. Make 2019 a pivotal year and then you will be ready for all that 2020 brings!

[SSE]

Do you really want a man who could be flirting and seeking other things from another woman, while in a relationship... I wouldn't.

 

He could get a divorce and move on with anyone he wanted... And I wouldn't care. I demand more from my life partners than a man who say one thing and does another. I want to be able to trust my partner.

 

Honestly, if I would be in a real relationship with him, I would find it hard to trust him. I also would be anxious that he would dump me anytime. He has pushed me away many times without a real explanation. Or that he would go back to her and the money. I know him a bit, he would really miss his money. When you’re accustomed to a having a lot of money, it’s hard to give it up.

 

When we first started this thing, he told me he would divorce but I had to be sure I wanted to be with him, because it would cost him a lot of money (more than a million). I refused to be responsible for such a huge decision. It’s his decision to make, not mine. Also because I had the feeling I was being used to get back at his wife because she wasn’t behaving the way he would she’d behave towards him.

 

Based on the facts I know, he doesn’t seem like a good partner. But on the other hand, I only know a small part of him. I don’t know what he’s like around his wife. I assume he will treat her better than he treats me (except for the cheating and lying). He kooks for her. She does get a birthday present. He is a devoted father. He manages their businesses. And you cannot be sure he will cheat again. Once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t always right. Who says he will cheat on her again after me? Maybe their sex life will improve once the child is bigger. So that makes me think he could be a good partner, but you have to be #1. I don’t know Bailey, does this sound weird?

 

I’m terrified of letting him go, because I’m terrified of never finding someone else. Terrified that I eventually will have to settle or will be alone. But this thing is killing me and making me more anxious. So I told him to leave me alone. Do they actually still try to come back after you tell them that??? He's blocked, but messages are diverted to a spam folder which I can check. And I checked it out of curiosity...

[SSE]

This here... This nonchalance of 'you know you want me, just give in already'. I would have punched his lights out.

 

I know. I have the feeling he thinks he’s some kind of god to me because in those 2 years I haven’t had sex with anyone else despite our periods of NC. During our last conversation he also wondered if I would ever get over him…

 

I didn’t have sex with anyone else because he’s my god, but because I needed some time to heal from all his ****… Another man was the last thing on my mind.

 

But I guess it seems like that for him because I kept allowing him back in. Telling him that I missed him. I was honest with my feelings, but for him it’s probably a huge ego strike. Except that one time when I said I didn’t like something in the bedroom. He told me I really hurt his feelings then…

[elaine567]

he told me I should live my own life (after I told him I loved him), but may call him anytime if I needed my holes filled.

 

 

Is this really how "gods" talk...???

[SSE]

I want to make sure I understand this correctly:

 

You're seeing a married man (I'm not making any judgments here, just want to be clear about all of this). As such, you've recognized the fact that he's lying to another woman in his life and being massively disrespectful to her and their relatinship.

 

And yet you think that he's going to be 100% honest with you and treat you with respect? Do I have that right?

 

Do you see a problem here?

 

 

I tend to believe the things people say to me. So yes, in the beginning I thought he was honest with me. After a while I got the feeling he was stringing me along, so I tried to quit it. But he came back and I caved… Stupid feelings.

 

Delete his texts. Block his number. Cancel your Facebook (gawd, the damage that Facebook has done to both relationships and politics - to say nothing of privacy issues - is beyond words). Eliminate any trace of him from your life. Respect yourself and your integrity.

 

 

All the texts are gone, number is blocked. However, texts can come through but are diverted to a spam folder. I haven’t checked FB for a while, but I will not cancel my account. It’s my main communication tool with my friends.

 

By the way, at 28, you have LOTS of time left.

 

It doesn’t seem like that if you see everyone getting married and having babies. I feel a lot of pressure.

[SSE]

He will steal your years and life if you don’t cut him off completely and stop caving in. He is not who you think he is. Who he really is is a MM with a family and you’re a distraction from the boredom. End of story. No matter how much it hurts now, it’s going to hurt more if you don’t stop this and move on.

 

This crosses my mind very often. He didn’t care if I dated or not while being with him. Although I was allowed to date other men... As long he got his sex. In his ideal world, I would have a boyfriend, but also have sex with him.

 

And, btw, him contacting you and being persistent means nothing. It means absolutely nothing except that you’re giving him a reason to chase and he hopes you’ll cave in. That’s it. That’s as far as it goes in his mind. He also knows you’ll probably dump him someday and he’ll know why. He’s just going to prolong it as much as possible. Again, it means nothing other than him having someone to chase and have sex with.

 

Last time I saw him (April), I told him this situation is too painful for me. I expected that he would back off. I know I would if someone told me that. After that he contacted me 3 more times. I always responded and said the same thing. Is it because I kept answering he kept trying although I turned him down? Do they still come back after being told the same for 3 times??

 

I read you also had an affair. How did your affair end? Is this a long time ago? Are you healed?

[SSE]

Please don't make the mistake many women have made and waste your best years on a MM who will never be yours. I've read several very sad stories of women who did just this, wasted more years than you did, to suddenly find themselves in their mid or late 30s in a dead end affair.

 

This scares the hell out of me. I read the most recent thread of AngelLove and my heart broke. My MM was also terrified he would get me pregnant. There are so many other heartbreaking stories on this site. I don’t want to wake up and suddenly realize I’m mid-thirties without a partner and children of my own while being hung up on MM who could discard me any time while he goes happily on with his life (I don’t want to be rude to anyone). He wouldn't care about me.

 

I think one of the reasons we stay in this kind of relationship for so long is because of the mind games MM play. And us wanting a relationship so badly after being/feeling alone for such a long time. I remember that one time he was telling me if I would consider moving for him (we don’t live near each other) and the next minute that I don’t have to be worried that I’ll find Mr. Right. Huh? But, I thought we would try that you would be my Mr. Right? Why would you otherwise ask me if I would consider moving for you?

 

You will feel better. There are stories on here of women who felt just like you do, but have now moved on and can't believe they ever felt that way. It will suck, and it will take time (way longer than you want), but it is absolutely worth the pain you will feel now to have a life you love later.

 

I hope I will feel better. The fear that he’s gone and I maybe will not find anybody else is really big. I have never dated before. But this situation with him also makes me very anxious. It has to stop. Feeling this way has to stop. It’s not healthy anymore.

 

Hang in there and good luck. Keep coming here for support if you need it. Confide in other friends--ask them to help you stay away from this guy and move on.

 

Thanks for the support! My friends know everything about it and I think they’re tired of hearing me talk about such an ******* (their words). But they don’t know what it feels like because they haven’t experienced it. So glad I found this forum.

[Mrs._December]

This crosses my mind very often. He didn’t care if I dated or not while being with him. Although I was allowed to date other men... As long he got his sex. In his ideal world, I would have a boyfriend, but also have sex with him.

THIS is the person you're losing sleep over and wondering if you'll ever "love" anyone like him again? I couldn't help but chuckle when you said you were 'allowed' to date other men. How big of him to allow you that privilege, considering he was a married, lying cheater.

 

I PROMISE you one day you're going to kick yourself for having wasted two years of your precious life being this guys' diversion from boredom and sexual escape from his real life. And his REAL life is the one he'd go running back to the second playtime with you was over and it was time to get back to the real world.

 

Last time I saw him (April), I told him this situation is too painful for me. I expected that he would back off. I know I would if someone told me that.

But you're not a selfish lying cheater whose only concern - from day ONE - has been how HE benefited from the affair. Not you. Not anyone but himself. Come on, you know he lacks integrity, decency and honor, so this really shouldn't have been a surprise for you.

 

After that he contacted me 3 more times. I always responded and said the same thing. Is it because I kept answering he kept trying although I turned him down? Do they still come back after being told the same for 3 times??

Most of them come sniffing back around when the itch comes back and they know where to get it scratched. Historically, he's always been able to have you scratch it for him, and since you're still 'low-hanging fruit' to him, he's going to continue to sniff around. He doesn't CARE that you're heartbroken.

 

Let that sink in a minute.

 

He doesn't CARE.

 

He also knows you loved him a lot more than he loved you, so he's banking on the fact that you'll be weak enough to let him come back so he can get that itch scratched.

 

You've basically been used for two years, SSE. Used as a diversion from real life, used for sexual variety and availability, and used for the countless ego strokes it gave him to have someone acting like he's some kind of demi-god and adoring the ground he walked on.

 

There will come a day - I promise you - when you look back at this and are disgusted and incredulous that you wasted so much of your time, love and effort on someone like this. I guarantee you that that day will come.

[SSE]

Instead of focusing on whether you'll still be in the same place in one year, focus on healing and moving forward one step at a time. You don't have to make all of your life decisions now; right now you are making the choice to heal and focus on yourself. Maybe in a year you can see where you are and start thinking of next steps in terms of new relationship.

 

I just hate these feelings and I think they will be there for a long time. I miss him. I imagine him and her. She has the man I want. I’m left with the **** and he gets to have his happy rich life and she doesn’t know a thing. I don’t get myself, but I still like him after everything he has put me through. But I also don’t want these sad and anxious feelings anymore. Do you think it is possible to like anyone else like I like him? Can you have that with another person?

 

I don’t know when I’ll be ready for someone else. I hate it when men come close. On a New Years party, some guy put his arm around me. I immediately pushed him away. Last week a male married coworker gave me a pat on the back. I didn’t like that he touched me, although it didn’t mean anything. I don’t like men anymore. I don’t trust them. I behave differently towards them. Will that ever come back? I wasn’t like this 2 years ago.

 

 

Right now you have been given a gift of time...to heal, to change, to learn from past mistakes, to rebuild your strength. Make 2019 a pivotal year and then you will be ready for all that 2020 brings!

 

Thanks for your words! I hope it will get better... I'll give it my best.

[TooBad]

I don’t like men anymore. I don’t trust them. I behave differently towards them. Will that ever come back? I wasn’t like this 2 years ago.

 

 

 

Yes, that will come back. It always comes back. It just happens...

[SSE]

I meant this:

 

"I didn’t have sex with anyone else NOT because he’s my god, but because I needed some time to heal from all his ****… Another man was the last thing on my mind."

 

I don't see him as some kind of god, rationally I know there must be better men, but my fears tell me something else.

[bathtub-row]

This crosses my mind very often. He didn’t care if I dated or not while being with him. Although I was allowed to date other men... As long he got his sex. In his ideal world, I would have a boyfriend, but also have sex with him.

 

Last time I saw him (April), I told him this situation is too painful for me. I expected that he would back off. I know I would if someone told me that. After that he contacted me 3 more times. I always responded and said the same thing. Is it because I kept answering he kept trying although I turned him down? Do they still come back after being told the same for 3 times??

 

I read you also had an affair. How did your affair end? Is this a long time ago? Are you healed?

 

You're making the mistake of thinking that he thinks the same way you do. He doesn't. He will happily steal away your years as long as you let him. Stop telling him how this makes you feel, stop explaining. Just end it. Period. If he asks why you're ending it, say, "You know why." And be done with him.

 

Yes, I was in an affair and it was a long time ago. I thought he was my best friend, I thought he was everything I ever wanted and vice versa. He occupied so much of my time for so long. He persisted in getting me back every time I dumped him. I thought it meant something.

 

Looking back, the relationship was the single biggest mistake of my life and I would never in a million years get involved with a married man again. I'm telling you these things from experience. I know you think your situation is different but it isn't. If he was going to leave his wife, he would've done so. All the second-guessing you're doing, all the questions running around in your head - you're just hurting yourself. Maybe he loves you. I don't know. But it's not relevant. Dump the guy and save yourself years of heartache.

 

My relationship w/ex MM ended amicably but I don't see or talk to him. He has a wife and kids. I have no place in his life and any place would be inappropriate. In general, he's a good man but as for how he treated his wife by cheating on her, that was lousy. I was lousy for helping him do it. If I had married him, I wouldn't have trusted him. He's smooth and a good liar. He's amicable and friendly and smart and successful and he's very good at manipulating people.

 

I say this to women all the time and I wish more of them would listen to me - be very careful about who you invite into your home and into your life.

[SSE]

THIS is the person you're losing sleep over and wondering if you'll ever "love" anyone like him again?

 

I know. And I still like him, and I honestly don’t know why. There were some good moments, although a lot less compared to the bad ones. The tears I have already cried and the anxiety I feel for already 2 years… But I liked having someone, I liked him. This was the first time I really liked a man and he liked me back. This was a very powerful emotion for me to experience because it was the first time I felt it. I am afraid I will not experience this feeling again. I never have before I met him and I was already 25 years old then!

 

I PROMISE you one day you're going to kick yourself for having wasted two years of your precious life being this guys' diversion from boredom and sexual escape from his real life. And his REAL life is the one he'd go running back to the second playtime with you was over and it was time to get back to the real world.

 

I was honest with him but after about 1 year I realized he was stringing me along. And when I tried to quit this thing after 1 year, he knew which buttons to push. He came back 5 times since the beginning of last year. And before you know it, another year has passed. Sometimes I am already mad at myself especially for wasting that second year. But those feelings of wanted to be loved and fear of losing that were/are also very strong. And when he came back, it was nice to hear from him and somewhere you hope he has changed. To only realize again and again that he’s not.

 

Most of them come sniffing back around when the itch comes back and they know where to get it scratched. Historically, he's always been able to have you scratch it for him, and since you're still 'low-hanging fruit' to him, he's going to continue to sniff around. He doesn't CARE that you're heartbroken.

 

I don’t get why men are so persistent for getting sex. The last time we had sex was in April! He also once told me he’s a sex addict (don’t know if it’s true). He’s in his forties, but wants to have sex every day. He uses his right hand a lot apparently. I don’t know if this is abnormal? He once told me that when we’re a couple, I will have to provide him with sex everyday… I don’t think it’s a joke, he said this several times. Made me feel like this is a condition to keep him when we would be in a real relationship.

 

He doesn't CARE that you're heartbroken.

 

Let that sink in a minute.

 

He doesn't CARE.

 

He also knows you loved him a lot more than he loved you, so he's banking on the fact that you'll be weak enough to let him come back so he can get that itch scratched.

 

You've basically been used for two years, SSE. Used as a diversion from real life, used for sexual variety and availability, and used for the countless ego strokes it gave him to have someone acting like he's some kind of demi-god and adoring the ground he walked on.

 

These are some hard words because I know they are true. I don’t fully realize it yet. He indeed doesn’t care that this is a really painful situation for me. I expressed this to him several times, only to be ignored every time. I have to be careful if/when he comes back sniffing. I hope he doesn’t. Why does he see me as easy? I never considered myself as easy.

 

I don’t know why some men don’t seem to realize the damage they are causing with such kind of behavior. I was always good and kind to him. He once told me that himself. I was a good girl. Why keep treating me this way then even when I want out? What did I do wrong to you? My self-image and worth is really low at this moment. I also don’t want to be near men right now. I don’t trust them and I want them to leave me alone. Not good if you want to have a boyfriend someday…

 

They don’t realize or don’t care that this experience is really painful. I often felt unimportant and unloved. Not worthy of his love. Those are heavy emotions. And I know I have a responsibility in this situation as well. And I am glad you help me see it. Please keep giving me advice. But why keep pushing a girl’s buttons even when she’s in pain? I will need some time to heal from his. I even sometimes feel suicidal. But he can go on living his life without any heeling time. He doesn’t feel guilty, because “I’m still young and will have another lover soon”. **** that! It's not because I'm still young that it's justified to treat me this way. I also feel pain and need time to heal.

 

I also wonder what that future lover will find from the fact I had sex with a MM? I would tell him honestly, but maybe he will not want me anymore? I don’t know how men would react if their girlfriend had such an experience.

 

There will come a day - I promise you - when you look back at this and are disgusted and incredulous that you wasted so much of your time, love and effort on someone like this. I guarantee you that that day will come.

 

Did you have a similar experience?

Edited January 13, 2019 by SSE

[SSE]

You're making the mistake of thinking that he thinks the same way you do. He doesn't. He will happily steal away your years as long as you let him. Stop telling him how this makes you feel, stop explaining. Just end it. Period. If he asks why you're ending it, say, "You know why." And be done with him.

 

My friends tell me the exact same thing!! You and he don’t think the same way. If I was the MM, I would leave the OW alone. She’s in pain and I wouldn’t want that.

 

Everybody tells me to be alert. He can come back. Indeed, there is no explanation necessary anymore. I already tried to end it 5 times from which 3 times I told explicitly to leave me alone. He has no idea how difficult it was for me to reject him every time.

 

 

Yes, I was in an affair and it was a long time ago. I thought he was my best friend, I thought he was everything I ever wanted and vice versa. He occupied so much of my time for so long.

 

I felt really comfortable with him, especially in the beginning. That was something new for me. I read you also worked with him. I am so glad I don’t work with him anymore, because otherwise it would be so easy for him to reel me back in.

 

Looking back, the relationship was the single biggest mistake of my life and I would never in a million years get involved with a married man again.

 

I also will never get involved with a married man (or a man in a committed relationship) ever again. It’s not worth the pain. Why didn’t your xMM wanted to divorce? He also agreed with stopping the affair? That's odd. How long was your affair? Did she found out?

 

All the second-guessing you're doing, all the questions running around in your head - you're just hurting yourself.

 

I’m struggling with this and I would like your opinion: based on the facts I know, he doesn’t seem like a good partner. But on the other hand, I only know a small part of him. I don’t know what he’s like around his wife. I assume he will treat her better than he treats me (except for the cheating and lying). He kooks for her. She does get a birthday present. He is a devoted father. He manages their businesses. And you cannot be sure he will cheat again with another woman. Once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t always a right assumption. Maybe their sex life will improve once the child is bigger and then no other woman is needed anymore. So that makes me think he could be a good partner. I think he is a good partner for her. But you have to be #1. This idea makes it difficult for me to let him go. I mean, he cannot be such a bad partner, they are together for 7 years! I wonder what he’s like at home. I make an assumption and I don’t know if it’s the truth. It would make me feel better if she also got some ****ty treatment. To know it’s in his character to treat people this way and that I don’t have to take his ****ty treatment of me personal. But I think she does get treated better in general.

 

He can be a good partner, but not to me. Do I have to look at it this way? That’s a very painful realization, especially when he claimed to miss me, wanted me to move etc. He cares about her and not about me. But he knows I love him. Why treating me then this way? I’ve never felt so unloved and unworthy. He has no idea the damage this has done to me. All I wanted was to be loved by him. Stupid stupid SSE. And all the time he can go back to his family while I'm left alone. Stupid stupid SSE.

 

How do you get over that feeling? That you were only good to be a back-up, someone to play with and not #1? While I never treated him that way?

 

If I had married him, I wouldn't have trusted him. He's smooth and a good liar. He's amicable and friendly and smart and successful and he's very good at manipulating people.

 

I have the same feeling. But I also struggle with the facts that I stated above. My mind plays games with me. But my gut screams to me for more than a year now to get the hell out. And I try. Even if he did divorce and came to me, I think he would use me for comfort and sex until he finds some other girl he wants a real relationship with. He doesn’t see me as girlfriend material and I don’t know why. Probably because I had sex with him while he is married. But I only gave in after he kept persisting for months! I guess his image of me will never change. And I find this really hard to accept because I think I have a lot of qualities that make me girlfriend material.

 

I say this to women all the time and I wish more of them would listen to me - be very careful about who you invite into your home and into your life.

 

Thank you for sharing your experience!! I need it to keep moving away from him. To stop from damaging myself further. Please keep sharing your experience! Can you say you’re completely healed? How long did it take you? Did/Could you allow another man back into your life?

[Overtaxed]

I don’t get why men are so persistent for getting sex. The last time we had sex was in April! He also once told me he’s a sex addict (don’t know if it’s true). He’s in his forties, but wants to have sex every day. He uses his right hand a lot apparently. I don’t know if this is abnormal? He once told me that when we’re a couple, I will have to provide him with sex everyday… I don’t think it’s a joke, he said this several times. Made me feel like this is a condition to keep him when we would be in a real relationship.

 

LOL. Sorry, I'm not LOLing at your situation, just your first sentence above. I guess the only thing I can say, you don't understand it because you're not a man. It's an extremely potent motivator for some of us; men used to go to war and die for a shot at some sex when they got home (women used to love GI's), you think he won't pick up the phone and call you over and over for a shot at it? Men lose positions of power all the time for sex, they pay women for sex; a lot of men spend their lives in pursuit of it. Yes, we can be persistent; it's because to some of us, it's very valuable and worth the effort. And picking up the phone/writing some e-mails is pretty darn "low effort" anyway.

 

I'm in my 40's. If you asked me my preferred sexual frequency, if I had a partner who was interested and up for it, it would probably be 2X a day, good morning, good night sex. And then maybe a nooner on the weekends. Most of my friends I'd say are about the same, 1-2X/day I suspect would be the most commonly given answer.

[SSE]

It's an extremely potent motivator for some of us; men used to go to war and die for a shot at some sex when they got home (women used to love GI's), you think he won't pick up the phone and call you over and over for a shot at it? And picking up the phone/writing some e-mails is pretty darn "low effort" anyway.

 

It is indeed low effort to send me a text or call me, but would you still try when the girl tells you to leave her alone because she’s in pain? I know he doesn’t care, but how about other men? Or do you think I’m overreacting? I told him from the beginning I wasn’t looking for a fling. What do you think as a man of my situation? Did I make the right choice? Do you think he will cheat again?

 

I'm in my 40's. If you asked me my preferred sexual frequency, if I had a partner who was interested and up for it, it would probably be 2X a day, good morning, good night sex. And then maybe a nooner on the weekends. Most of my friends I'd say are about the same, 1-2X/day I suspect would be the most commonly given answer.

 

Thanks for your male point of view. I really had no idea if that frequency is normal or not. I guess it is.

 

I would like your opinion about something else. I have a medical condition which causes me to have pain during penetration, especially in the beginning. I can have vaginal sex but not 100% pain-free. I am under medical treatment, but so far nothing is really working. Having vaginal sex every day would be too painful for me. You think men would take that into account and not go cheating on me? That’s something I’m really afraid for as well. MM was gentle with me, but I wasn't in a relationship with him.

[Overtaxed]

It is indeed low effort to send me a text or call me, but would you still try when the girl tells you to leave her alone because she’s in pain? I know he doesn’t care, but how about other men? Or do you think I’m overreacting? I told him from the beginning I wasn’t looking for a fling. What do you think as a man of my situation? Did I make the right choice? Do you think he will cheat again?

 

Would I? I like to think that I wouldn't, but, I really don't know. It certainly sounds like something I might do in the right (wrong!) situation though. Yes, there are a LOT of men out there who do care, and who won't do this to you. But, here's the thing, approaching 0% of those men are married already! You've self-selected into a group (cheating men) where the incidence of "I don't give a s**t about SSE's pain because she's not my W" is wildly high. No, not all men are going to be like this, but yes, most married men having an A are going to be exactly like this. Your role in an A is to provide sex and be a fling. His role is to say things that make you feel good and keep coming around. If you don't want that, then, don't have an affair. But it's not the "dating a man" that's the problem, it's the "having an A with a married man" that's leading to this problem. Also, what you tell him matters a lot less than what you do. "I don't want a fling" but then entering into an A, by definition, almost always a fling? As a guy, I'm going to read that as "Doesn't want to say she wants a fling, but wants one because otherwise, why would she be here". When actions and words don't match, ALWAYS believe the actions!!

 

Thanks for your male point of view. I really had no idea if that frequency is normal or not. I guess it is.

 

No idea. I suspect it's on the high side of normal. Maybe abnormally high, I really don't know, maybe other men will weigh in. It's also going to be very age skewed, as men age, they desire sex less (in general). So a 20 year old might see my number and think "You're crazy, I'd like 2X an hour!!" where a 70 year old might see and think "Once a week would be all I can handle".

 

I would like your opinion about something else. I have a medical condition which causes me to have pain during penetration, especially in the beginning. I can have vaginal sex but not 100% pain-free. I am under medical treatment, but so far nothing is really working. Having vaginal sex every day would be too painful for me. You think men would take that into account and not go cheating on me? That’s something I’m really afraid for as well. MM was gentle with me, but I wasn't in a relationship with him.

 

First off, sex all the time will not stop someone from cheating. It might help prevent it, but, a determined cheater will cheat, ALWAYS, no matter what you do.

 

I'm going to say this gently, but I'll probably still be torn up for it. Vaginal sex is not the end all be all for male sexual pleasure or desires. A lot of guys (including me) prefer oral sex to vaginal sex. Others prefer anal sex to vaginal. Just because you can't have vaginal sex 2X a day doesn't mean your doomed to a life alone/cheating or anything else. There are a lot of men who don't want sex 2X a day. And if you do meet and fall in love with someone who's high drive, there are a million ways to keep him begging for more that in no way involve your vagina. Don't sweat it, and, just so you know, you're not at all alone. Very few women are up for vaginal sex multiple times a day every day for years. When I said my preferred "sex" frequency was 2X per day, it was all encompassing, that could be mutual masturbation in the morning and a BJ and oral sex that night. It could be sending me dirty pictures and asking for a reply when I "finished" of a picture for her. A million things, some of which don't even involve touching your body. I wouldn't worry about this, you're more normal than you think here.

[Bittersweetie]

SSE...you are never going to understand why he did what he did. I know you want to understand, but at some point (hopefully soon) you will have to let the whys go in order to move forward and heal.

 

When I was 22 years old, my best girlfriend, someone I considered a sister, suddenly and painfully stopped talking to me. One day she was in my life; the next she refused to be. To this day I still don't know why. It was so hurtful and I carried the pain for years...for over 15 years I thought about it and tried to understand and wondered what did I do? Why did she act that way? Holding on to that pain affected new friendships, affected me deep inside, like a cut that wouldn't heal.

 

After xAP ghosted me the second time, I again started wondering why. Why did he do that? Why did he say what he said? Why why why? Then one day I realized, I may never know why, and THAT IS OKAY. I thought, do I want to hold on to these whys from xAP for another 15 years, like I did with my best friend? And the answer was NO. So while it was hard, I let go of the whys. Why my best friend dumped me. Why xAP ghosted me.

 

In life, some questions we are never going to know the answer to, and that is okay.

 

I wanted to understand why because I thought that would make the pain go away. But the only person who controls the pain is me. Once I let go of the whys, then the pain started to fade. It wasn't overnight (especially with the pain from my friend, which I had held on for years) but it happened.

 

I know this is a long story, I hope it helps you start to reframe some things in a different way. Good luck.

[SSE]

Yes, there are a LOT of men out there who do care, and who won't do this to you. But, here's the thing, approaching 0% of those men are married already! You've self-selected into a group (cheating men) where the incidence of "I don't give a s**t about SSE's pain because she's not my W" is wildly high. No, not all men are going to be like this, but yes, most married men having an A are going to be exactly like this. Your role in an A is to provide sex and be a fling. His role is to say things that make you feel good and keep coming around. If you don't want that, then, don't have an affair. But it's not the "dating a man" that's the problem, it's the "having an A with a married man" that's leading to this problem. Also, what you tell him matters a lot less than what you do. "I don't want a fling" but then entering into an A, by definition, almost always a fling? As a guy, I'm going to read that as "Doesn't want to say she wants a fling, but wants one because otherwise, why would she be here". When actions and words don't match, ALWAYS believe the actions!!

 

MM was the first one to make a move. Told me he wanted to kiss me. I felt the same way, but was doubting to meet him because of all of the stories you hear. I gave in due to my curiosity. I was 25 and never even had kissed a man! And now the opportunity was presenting itself: a man that wanted to kiss me and I wanted to kiss him. This is new! Even though it was wrong, we met and kissed. He immediately wanted to go all the way, but I didn’t. The kisses were great, but I told him this wouldn’t go any further. And then the chase began… He would divorce, but it would take a while, he doesn’t want a fling, he wants something serious, he wanted to make my happy again, etc. I have zero experience with men, and if you keep hearing such things, you start to believe them. Especially because he was somebody I trusted. He was a great coworker before this thing started. Feelings took over from ratio and after several months of persisting, I gave in and had sex with him.

 

I get that it was wrong of me to meet and kiss him, because that probably triggered something in him to chase me. But his persistence really wasn’t necessary. He knew before he told me he wanted to kiss me that I was unhappy and looking for a serious boyfriend. He was supportive and told me I would become happy again after I found Mr. Right. And then you do this to me? I shouldn’t have met him in the first place, but me that had to keep saying no to his attempts was really exhausting. I thought we were friends. I thought he was honest. He spoke about moving, about me becoming friends with his child etc. Those lies hurt. The stringing along hurts. Discarding me hurts. But all the while he gets to keep his lovely family.

 

Since April my actions match my words. Still he kept trying. Playing on my emotions for him. Also really not necessary. What do you think of this situation? Am only I responsible for all the pain I’m in right now? MM once said to me it was always also my decision to have sex with him, he didn’t force me. Correct, but he did keep persisting until he got me to change my mind. And I am the one who feels bad about it. Not he. Even now when he contacted me the last time, he made me doubt for a bit to meet him again… I hope I will be strong enough to keep saying no or ignoring him.

 

Sometimes I wonder what he thinks of me. One of the last times he told me we’re friends… Euhm, no. Just no. I’m really not a fan of the male species right now. Besides MM, 2 other married coworkers on my previous job also tried to hit on me. I kept my distance from those men. I really wasn’t interested. But MM was another case… Last week, a friend of my brother who is in a committed relationship with a child told me he would do me if I would be ok with that… Seriously. Sometimes I wonder if all men (will) cheat. Maybe I sound ridiculous, but all this makes me not want to have a relationship. I would be so hurt if my partner cheated on me. But on the other hand, I don’t want to be alone the rest of my life :s

 

I'm going to say this gently, but I'll probably still be torn up for it. Vaginal sex is not the end all be all for male sexual pleasure or desires. A lot of guys (including me) prefer oral sex to vaginal sex. Others prefer anal sex to vaginal. Just because you can't have vaginal sex 2X a day doesn't mean your doomed to a life alone/cheating or anything else. There are a lot of men who don't want sex 2X a day. And if you do meet and fall in love with someone who's high drive, there are a million ways to keep him begging for more that in no way involve your vagina. Don't sweat it, and, just so you know, you're not at all alone. Very few women are up for vaginal sex multiple times a day every day for years. When I said my preferred "sex" frequency was 2X per day, it was all encompassing, that could be mutual masturbation in the morning and a BJ and oral sex that night. It could be sending me dirty pictures and asking for a reply when I "finished" of a picture for her. A million things, some of which don't even involve touching your body. I wouldn't worry about this, you're more normal than you think here.

 

You're right, there are other ways to please each other than vaginal sex. Nothing wrong with you saying you prefer oral sex. Everyone has his or her preferences.

 

One of the reasons I’m afraid of letting MM go is that I won’t find anybody else like him. And with that I don’t mean the cheating and lying part, but the MM that made me laugh. We have the same stupid humor. I want that “click” back but it has to be with someone else. Is that possible? Will I love again? Or are all the good ones taken already?

 

Maybe this question is too personal, but did you ever cheat? Or had to deal with infidelity?

[bathtub-row]

I told him from the beginning I wasn’t looking for a fling. What do you think as a man of my situation? Did I make the right choice? Do you think he will cheat again?

 

IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE WHAT YOU SAY TO HIM. WHAT HE HEARS, THE ONLY THING HE RECOGNIZES, IS WHAT YOU DO.

 

Please read that over and over again until it sinks in. Your mouth says one thing to him, your actions say another. Guess which one he believes.

 

Stop worrying about what kind of man does this or that, why he's not paying attention to what you say or how you feel, how he treats his wife -- none of it matters!!!

 

Walk. Away. End of story. He is not the guy for you. Period.

[NotADayGoesBy]

Once again: listen to Bathtub. You are WAY over thinking this. If you had a daughter in your situation what would you tell her?

 

Yes, you will find someone again that you 'click' with, who makes you laugh, who you feel passion and desire for. I can tell you from experience, because I did not marry until I was in my mid 30s. I fell in love with a number of men, 'clicked' with many men. But one important lesson I learned: just because I love and feel passionately about a man, doesn't mean he is a good long term partner. Just because you love them, doesn't make them right, or good for you.

[bathtub-row]

I fell in love with a number of men, 'clicked' with many men. But one important lesson I learned: just because I love and feel passionately about a man, doesn't mean he is a good long term partner. Just because you love them, doesn't make them right, or good for you.

 

Amen, Sista. No matter what the adage, love is not always enough.

[whatcomesnext]

Pretty sure Patty Smyth wrote a song about this. I think often when we are asking why MM did certain things it is really asking - “why universe did this happen this way?” “Why universe did you bring this person into my life if he was only going to hurt me?” etc. I understand that feeling of just wanting something to work out the way you want it to so badly. And you don’t have to be 25 in your first relationship to feel it. I’m older than you, but had never been in any relationship prior to my mid-twenties either. I understand the feeling of wanting your life to start, wanting love, wanting to feel wanted, feeling like you’ll never feel it or get it. Then even if you do find it, as these boards can attest, sometimes you are still vulnerable. I ultimately married a wonderful man and thought I was happy. Then MM came into my life and upended all of my emotions, turning me into a complete wreck in the process, probably in large part because that girl who in another life felt unloved/unwanted still exists though was buried deep down. Something was triggered by this person and it’s like opening Pandora’s box. That’s why the most important thing you can do now is to try to put him behind you, grieve the loss, and focus on healing from these toxic beliefs you have about yourself and your value/worthiness for love.

 

Amen, Sista. No matter what the adage, love is not always enough.

[findingnemo]

It's almost a month since I decided I didn't want to continue this. He's gone forever and that really hurts. All I seem to be doing is crying. I have a pain in my chest. I think of him and his family and me all alone. >snip>

 

It will start to fade as you begin to live your life. By this, I mean start doing things that interest you. Things that make you happy. Try to be busy doing something beneficial at all times.

 

How to deal with the feelings? Allow yourself a short time every day to think about him. Put him in a boxed timeframe. During that time you can cry, try to remember things you did together, etc. Just feel the loss. But do it for say 10 minutes, not more than 30 minutes. I know that it sounds odd but it actually works. Our minds are the starting point and our thoughts colour everything. If you allow yourself to have painful thoughts for hours on end, you will be miserable for the most part. If you fill your days with good things, like a drink with your girlfriends, a massage once in a while, a hike in a park, etc., you will be happier.

 

I commend you for making that decision. It is not easy to make it and living with it can be hard mainly because you know that you chose the pain. But here is the thing. You love him. Sure. Do you know that he didn't love you right? That his "love" for you isn't the kind of love that you need? It was nice. It was lovely. What you need is for love to be fulfilling, uplifting, all-consuming...for the both of you. So perhaps you can change how you perceive the situation. What did you really lose? You lost a love, yes. But that love was not the right one for you. The fact that MM is married and chose to stay that way is a reason why it was not right for you. For someone else, she may love someone who just isn't ready to commit for another reason. Sometimes two people in love just can't be together. Still, it hurts like crazy and everyone must move on. It is the same for you. So change how you see the problem. Start to look at it in a different way. Appreciate it for what it was but cease to give it a significance beyond what it was...in your life and in your mind. Find any and all ways to minimise what you lost.

 

I know it will be hard at first but soon you will find yourself thinking less and less about him. You will keep your memories but they will become less painful.

 

Oh. And please...do go out on dates. Or just nights out. Get out to the gym, have your hair and nails done, buy a nice LBD and start going out on the town. You will not believe how many great men are out there. Tons! Millions!

Edited January 15, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[findingnemo]

I know. I have the feeling he thinks he’s some kind of god to me because in those 2 years I haven’t had sex with anyone else despite our periods of NC. During our last conversation he also wondered if I would ever get over him…

 

I didn’t have sex with anyone else because he’s my god, but because I needed some time to heal from all his ****… Another man was the last thing on my mind.

 

But I guess it seems like that for him because I kept allowing him back in. Telling him that I missed him. I was honest with my feelings, but for him it’s probably a huge ego strike. Except that one time when I said I didn’t like something in the bedroom. He told me I really hurt his feelings then…

 

This chap is not a nice fellow at all. Nope. He has emotional issues. Serious ones. You did the right thing.