pepperbird Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) This is just my own opinion. It may not be true for anyone else. Being intimate with my spouse when I am not into it because I am hurt, angry at him, or feeling emotionally disconnected from him is not pleasurebale in any way. In fact, it's the opposite. That's not his fault though, It's just the way I am. It's also not pleasurable if I'm hurting, which unfortunately for my husband, happens a lot these days. Lucky for me, he understand that. it's not intentional on my part, and it's not a reflection on him. It just is what it is. op, please talk to your wife about this. All of us on here can speculate until the cows come home. The only real way you're going to know what's going on with her is to ask her outright and not let her wiggle out of answering. Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) Men list sex as number one, understandably since the majority of men form emotional connections through sex. Is it understandable though or is it just about sex full stop for some men? So many women seem to have trouble with men who expect and get sex yet there is little or no emotional connection in return. Are sex and emotional connection so deeply linked in men or is it just some sort of a con to get sex...? Lying about "feelings" to get sex maybe... "I only have feelings for you as long as you give me sex." That isn't very nice is it? What sort of feelings are those? Edited January 18, 2019 by elaine567 Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) Is it understandable though or is it just about sex full stop for some men. <snip> Depends on a lot of things and the man, obviously. But I can answer this for myself. With almost every sexual partner I've ever had, it was a con to get sex. I very rarely had feelings beyond "horny" for the women I slept with. Me sleeping with you is absolutely no indicator that I love you. What is, however, an indicator is me asking you to marry me. Spending my time with you (when we're not having sex). Sharing my income and life with you. Those are the "real" indicators of love from me, not sex. But, for the real monkey wrench, none of those things are going to happen without sex. It's a prerequisite for me to show you love, much like in the old days, it was a prerequisite to marry a woman before she'd give you sex. One will not happen without the other, and the two are deeply linked together. The more sex we have, the more loving things I want to do with and for you. And that sounds bad, but, I honestly think we all do this in different ways. The "Love Languages" book, IMHO, is a good explanation of this. I show love to other people through things like acts of service. If I love you, I'll do things for you (simply put). I receive love, however, through physical touch, or, more specifically sex. So me "giving you" sex isn't me "giving love" it's me "getting love". The way to tell if I love isn't "will he sleep with me" it's "will he take out the trash for me". And my wife is different still, she gives love through acts of service (as do I), but she receives love through words of affirmation. She feel loved if she took out the trash and I said "I appreciate that very much" where I'd feel loved if she said nothing and just drug me into the bedroom. Is it a con? Depends on what you're talking about. In an affair, yes, it's almost always a con; figure out what the other person needs to hear to get what you want and do that. In a marriage, it's a lot more complicated though, and it's no longer as clear as a direct exchange of "words for sex" anymore. I'm not conning you saying "I get love sexually" that's for sure. Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote and paragraphs Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Is it understandable though or is it just about sex full stop for some men. So many women seem to have trouble with men who expect and get sex yet there is little or no emotional connection in return. Are sex and emotional connection so deeply linked in men or is it just some sort of a con to get sex...? Lying about "feelings" to get sex maybe... "I only have feelings for you as long as you give me sex." That isn't very nice is it? What sort of feelings are those? Again it's a fundamental problem isnt it. At the same time I could say how can a woman expect a man to jump through hoops only to have to jump through them again tomorrow or next week. Bottom line is, too often women believe that they get to decide what is important to her husband. If she doesn't want sex then she expects him to unlock the combination if he decides it's not longer worth the effort then he doesn't love her anyways and only wants sex. It doesn't matter that he is unhappy, his feelings dont matter, that is the message I'm hearing. Example, we are rare, the opposite, being my wife has a much higher sex drive. I've made it a rule that I dont turn her down twice in a row. Its about compromise and making sure she feels desired. Too many women dont seem to have that compassion for their husbands silly need for sex and feeling desired....but God forbid he doesn't jump through her hoops anyway. It's like saying your feelings dont matter, only mine does. We do it when I want and dont when I dont. That isnt how marriage works. There is also things that are expected of men they don't want to do, I don't hear the uproar in thier defence. Most men dont need or want emotional support, we really aren't great at it, we dont really know how to give it. Wife complains about work issues we offer a solution, she complains again we get annoyed. Why should we continue to offer support? We don't feel like it, that's how it works, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Overtaxed Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 (edited) Is it understandable though or is it just about sex full stop for some men? Depends on the situation. A one night stand? An affair? Or someone I married? All very different. In most cases, I encourage women to think "it's just about sex" unless you have strong evidence to the contrary. But the strongest possible evidence you can possibly have is a ring on your finger, almost no guy marries a woman "just for sex". It's just that they also don't marry a woman expecting that sex is now off the table either. We don't feel like it, that's how it works, right? I must not have gotten that memo! "I don't feel like it" is an excuse to not do things that are important to my wife? Man, wish I'd known that before, because I've been going about this all wrong! <sarcasm intended> Edited January 18, 2019 by Overtaxed Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 So me "giving you" sex isn't me "giving love" it's me "getting love". Yes and isn't that part of the issue, where is the "giving love" part? Men are no good DKT3 says at giving emotional support, so what is there in return for the sex? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Yes and isn't that part of the issue, where is the "giving love" part? Men are no good DKT3 says at giving emotional support, so what is there in return for the sex? Men give love in many ways, I said we aren't great at emotional support, I didn't say we dont try. Link to post Share on other sites
Timshel Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 Yes and isn't that part of the issue, where is the "giving love" part? Men are no good DKT3 says at giving emotional support, so what is there in return for the sex? The ideal is a balance of emotional support for both men and women. My husband is amazing with listening about my day or my contempt for our current potus. Yep. In the same regard, he has plenty of opinions and talk about his day and politics as well. I'm sure both genders would appreciate being heard. I guess it is the willingness to listen and feel a part of a team, regardless of any discrepancy. If a person is not with a partner who get's, I totally think your idea atm is crap but lets use that protrusion in your pants as a gateway to world peace...hello! Then they aren't with the proper partner. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 what is there in return for the sex? I'd think most women in good relationships would have a pretty simple answer to your question... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 I really don't understand why men stay married to women like this. I see sex as a part of "marital contract". For women, desire doesn't need to be there. Desire to please her partner should make her compromise. This. Unless there is an illness, wives and husbands should be sexually available to each other. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 18, 2019 Share Posted January 18, 2019 The ideal is a balance of emotional support for both men and women. My husband is amazing with listening about my day or my contempt for our current potus. Yep. In the same regard, he has plenty of opinions and talk about his day and politics as well. I'm sure both genders would appreciate being heard. I guess it is the willingness to listen and feel a part of a team, regardless of any discrepancy. If a person is not with a partner who get's, I totally think your idea atm is crap but lets use that protrusion in your pants as a gateway to world peace...hello! Then they aren't with the proper partner. Balance can only come through compromising. In the real world, there is no such thing as a soulmate. All relationships are made up with two individuals who have different views and ways of doing things, some maybe wider than others. The only way to close this gap and truly stay connected and happy is realizing that you too have to compromise and do things that may not be what you want in that moment or maybe not in your best interest, yet your union will benefit from it in the long run. In most situations, your partner will pick up on your efforts and then return those efforts in areas where its maybe not in thier personal best interest. Some like this...oh I don't feel like sex tonight, how about some quick oral or manual therapy. Efforts recognized and stored for later repayment. Instead you get two months of not tonight then the back of their head. Once again efforts recognized (of lack of) and stored for later repayment. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 The only way to close this gap and truly stay connected and happy is realizing that you too have to compromise and do things that may not be what you want in that moment or maybe not in your best interest, yet your union will benefit from it in the long run. My wife says there's 3 entities in our marriage - me, her and the relationship itself, which has needs that can trump those of the participants. For instance, she always wants to have sex soon after we have an argument, I'm slower to come around. If I ask petulantly "why should we?", her answer is that we'll feel better and our marriage will be better for it. In other words, it's what the relationship needs. This way of thinking was completely alien to me after my first marriage, which was a pitched battle based on selfishness and individual needs. I can guarantee you, this way is more fun ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
pepperbird Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 (edited) Well, after reading the responses to this thread, I'm beginning to get the feeling I should just chuck my whole marriage in because, according to the majority of men responding to this, taht's what will happen anyway. Right now, anything but "quickies" are off the table. It's my fault and I know that. If I'm to follow the advice in this thread, I should just "play through he pain" and give my spouse porn star sex. Once he's happy, then we can move on to why I wasn't in the mood, he can take me shoe shopping and I can have fun while I spend his hard earned money. Honestly, that would make me feel like he didn't even care at all. Please tell me I am misunderstanding the point here. I probably am and I'm overreacting. If I am, I apologize. That wasn't my intention, and I am prone to misinterpreting the point people are trying to make. Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing 1 Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 Pepper bird, what we are saying is there has to be balance in the marriage. Wives shouldn't just ignore thier husband's need because she doesn't deem them as important. Worst yet, when he withdraws there is no understanding of why. Low sex or no sex is only excusable for health reasons and not because one just unilaterally decides it to be so. Now with that said, of course both reserve the right to refuse sex, however they should expect consequences for their decision. They should not expect the other to continue to on as if everything is ok. You cant expect unhappy unfulfilled people to make much effort to fulfill your needs and make you happy when you're the cause of them being unhappy and unfulfilled with the marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 Honestly, that would make me feel like he didn't even care at all. I don't know your backstory as to why you're not participating sexually more. But if it's for other than medical reasons, your approach would eventually make me feel you didn't even care at all. An impasse, no? And one in which many marriages waste years with both partners waiting for the other to "fix it". Or one (or both) partners eventually cheats, looking for what's missing. Not what I'd want... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
manfrombelow2 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 In short, your wife fell out of love with you. What is the cause / reason, you might be asking? Well, I know this sounds harsh, but when a romantic relationship goes downhill, most of the time (>99,99%) it's the guys' fault. One of the most common mistakes guys tend to make is to allow themselves become complacent and lazy when they have successfully "had" their women. The "courtship" should never ends in your relationship just because the two of you are married. And I'm not surprised if your wife stopped having sex with you a long time ago. Well, better late than never. I strongly advise you buy and read the book "How To Be A 3% Man" by Corey Wayne as soon as possible (You can easily find it on Amazon). The book helped open my eyes and better a lot of my later relationships. Best of lucks. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 Low sex or no sex is only excusable for health reasons and not because one just unilaterally decides it to be so. Seems to me that the message being purported here by some men, is that "men" need sex and without it they have no love to give, any feelings they do have for a woman are dependent almost totally on getting sex. Without sex the woman needs discarded like a dirty dishrag... So surely health reasons for refusing sex are not going to be any different as the outcome is the same, no sex = no feelings. If a woman unilaterally decides her vaginal walls are so raw, that sex is off the menu is that acceptable? Or does she need to put up with the painful sex otherwise she will have to face the "consequences" of not providing sex for her man... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 (edited) Seems to me that the message being purported here by some men, is that "men" need sex and without it they have no love to give, any feelings they do have for a woman are dependent almost totally on getting sex.<snip> Again, the hamster wheel spins. I have a friend who has a horrible back and lives in a great deal of pain. So by your reasoning he shouldn't have to go to work to earn money. He should just stay home and force his wife to figure out a way to cover the bills. No he seeks medical treatment to make his pain bearable so his wife doesn't carry the burden alone. Needs being met cant be a one way street, you cant decide what the husbands needs are. Now, I'm guessing that the reason most refuse sex is a combination of things that (let's be honest) wives simply not enjoying sex with her husband. But the sore vagina thing doesn't really work, sex is more then p in v. Simply put, many women dont enjoy sex because they don't all orgasm they then place it as a lower priority and unilaterally decides it's off the table but just expects the husband to agree, I mean if he loves and values her then he doesn't need sex, because she said so. Edited January 19, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 If a woman unilaterally decides her vaginal walls are so raw, that sex is off the menu is that acceptable? Or does she need to put up with the painful sex otherwise she will have to face the "consequences" of not providing sex for her man... You have a limited view of all the ways physical intimacy can be achieved in a relationship or marriage. As, I'd guess, do many of the women with sexually disconnected husbands... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 You have a limited view of all the ways physical intimacy can be achieved in a relationship or marriage. As, I'd guess, do many of the women with sexually disconnected husbands... Mr. Lucky It's an example and a pretty common example, but health issues take many many forms and whilst it may seem "easy" for a woman to give BJS or hand jobs or any other number of Non PIV tricks to please her man, the truth is they may be off the table too due to health issues... So it seems with no sex, we are then just supposed to forget "in sickness and in health..." Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 I have a friend who has a horrible back and lives in a great deal of pain. So by your reasoning he shouldn't have to go to work to earn money. He should just stay home and force his wife to figure out a way to cover the bills. No he seeks medical treatment to make his pain bearable so his wife doesn't carry the burden alone. Apples and oranges. Bad back, no sex, all too painful, so according to your reasoning his wife is within her rights to withdraw love and affection and dump him... Forget years of marriage and shared experiences, all that work he put into the marriage. No sex, so he has to face the consequences... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 Its actually not apples and oranges isn't the same thing one spouse not showing compassion for the other. We hear women come in here and complain about how her husband isnt doing that or understanding this, so why dont these same posters jump in and tell her to suck it up, that she should love him and be all in despite any of that. That is exactly what any guy that complains about a lack of sex get told time and time again. Lastly, come on with the health issue, most of those women are perfectly healthy, just dont want to have sex because they dont desire the husband as a lover, only the guy that fixes the sink and takes out the trash. No desire doesn't equal health issue. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 The health issues are completely valid here as the OPs wife has health issues and the theme has been underlined by Pepperbird's input too, which is why I chimed in in answer to your claim that no sex = no love from men and that health issues are somehow OK but not really either surely?... if no sex still = no love... Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 She has a thyroid condition, hardly something that hinders her comfort with sex physically. As I said, most of these ladies simply don't desire sex with the husband. Why should one be forced to live sexless? Even love has its limits. Again no woman is allowed to dictate what is important for her husband Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted January 19, 2019 Share Posted January 19, 2019 She has a thyroid condition, hardly something that hinders her comfort with sex physically. Wrong. https://www.verywellhealth.com/sexual-dysfunction-thyroid-disease-3231814 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts